I grew up on a steady diet of Hong Kong cinema focused on the most chop-sockeyest of the genre. Saturday afternoons on Philly UHF were packed with every Bruce Le, Bruce Li, Dragon Lee, Bruce Lai, and Bruce Lo movie you could imagine. But I don’t recall getting a whole lot of the Hong Kong horrors of the era. It wasn’t until the days of video stores and grey market tape trading circles that I saw things like INFRA-MAN (1975), WOLFEN NINJA (1982), or BLACK MAGIC 2 (1976), even in their worst forms.
THE OILY MANIAC (1976) has long been talked about by my friends as one of the wildest flicks of an era where Hong Kong martial arts cinema intersected with the new wave of 70s horror after the success of flicks like THE EXORCIST.
They were not wrong.
Danny Lee (THE KILLER, DR. LAMB, INFRA-MAN) stars as Shen Yuan, a downtrodden, polio-afflicted office worker in a sleazy law firm. His boss makes a fortune working both sides of business deals and pushing clients into pursuing phony cases.
When a coconut oil plantation owner is forced to sell his business AND ends up killing someone, he’s sentenced to death. Yuan visits him before his execution and traces a talisman tattooed on his back. Despite the crippling polio that forces him to walk with crutches, Yuan follows the talisman’s instructions, uses a pickaxe to dig a hole in the middle of his home, chants an incantation, and emerges as The Oily Maniac, a sort of proto-Toxic Avenger who dispenses justice to rapists, would-be rapists, sleazy lawyers and their mistress, kung-fu henchmen, unlicensed plastic surgeons, and more.
It’s as nutty as it sounds, with Yuan hopping into vats of bubbling goo and dousing himself with gasoline to transform into the titular “hero”. Nobody in the flick is all that defensible, the cops are idiots (as usual), and the whole thing is a chaotic mess.
But who cares?! You’ll love the ripped-off JAWS theme, Dollar Tree transformation sequences, Asian Bill Hader, regenerating limbs and head (!), and more T&A than your typical slice of Asian cinema. – Dan Taylor
Since I was a pre-teen trash-hound, I’ve spent my days (and nights) scouring video stores, scanning cable listings, and thumbing through mags and zines looking for that next elusive fix. You just never know where it’s going to come from.
So, when my trash-loving pal texted me about the 1960s Japanese sci-fi monster flick he was watching, I had to check it out.
Akira, an astronomy-obsessed teen, discovers that the planet Icarus is on a collision course with Earth. When the local observatory nerds don’t believe him, he’s abducted by some nefarious-looking types who work for a secret UN-funded organization led by Dr. Yamatone (Sonny Chiba) and the inexplicably British Dr. Pearl (Andrew Hughes). The pair explain that Icarus will destroy the planet unless they find the special lens they need to complete their laser cannon.
The search for the elusive lens brings them into conflict with Nazo, a claw-handed villain in what appears to be an aardvark costume kinda like what they wear in BETTER OFF DEAD. Though he looks like he should be entertaining at a kid’s birthday party, Nazo is instead bent on destroying Earth and ruling the universe.
While on the run from Nazo’s inept henchmen, the team of scientists resurrect The Golden Ninja (originally The Golden Bat), a baton-wielding, skull-faced superhero who has been waiting 10,000 years to save the planet.
What follows is a bonkers adventure complete with evil sidekicks named Jackal (who looks like a reject from TIME OF THE APES), Piranha, and Keloid (a scarfaced lunatic who likes to choke little girls while he cackles like a cross between the Joker and Riddler from the 1960s Batman tv show); a human replicator; kids in peril; and dialogue like “face my silver baton!” and “we can’t conquer the universe with that thing around!”
If you dig Ultraman, Space Robots, Super Inframan, and its ilk, set aside 75 minutes to spend with The Golden Ninja! My only disappointment is that there's not a dozen more GN adventures to enjoy. — Dan Taylor
Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and The Hungover Gourmet. He is not embarrassed to call this his favorite watch of 2026 so far,
So, I turn 60 (gasp!) next year. Whenever I reach one of those nice round numbers, I always look to undertake some sort of movie-viewing project (even if I don’t complete it). This time I’ve decided to dedicate my ‘60-for-60’ to my beloved genre of horror.
My introduction to horror came, oddly enough, at the hands of the great Abbott & Costello. Their movies aired after church every Sunday on one of the local Philly UHF channels (I believe it was WKBS-48) and their wonderful monster-mash ABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN (1948) was my gateway horror film. It remains, to this day, my favorite horror-comedy.
My mom, the true movie nut in our household, said that if I liked that, I should probably start sampling the classic Universal horrors that ran every weekend on the local stations. (Thank you, 1970s television!) THE GHOST OF FRANKENSTEIN (1942) was next, and I was hooked.
Universal led to Hammer, which led to trashy cable viewings, VHS rentals, and spending afternoons cutting classes in Philly to go catch Lucio Fulci’s 7 DOORS OF DEATH (1981), watching NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES (1980) with out-of-order reels at the drive-in, consuming copious amounts of beer along with ALIEN: CONTAMINATION (1980) at my buddy’s house, or hopping around area theaters soaking in every moment of DEMONS (1985), EVIL DEAD 2 (1987), DAY OF THE DEAD (1985), LIFEFORCE (1985—which I’m seeing on the big screen again tonight!), and more while scribbling notes for our trash cinema zine.
My goal isn’t to focus on new viewings, though I hope to lean into stuff I haven’t seen as well as flicks that are crying out for a rewatch. But I hope you’ll forgive me if a certain year rolls around and I just can’t help indulging in a JAWS (1975) or a RE-ANIMATOR (1985). — Dan Taylor
Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and The Hungover Gourmet. He used to think 60 was old.
When the body of a villager turns up sans bones on remote Petrie’s Island off the coast of Ireland, local physician Dr. Landers travels to the mainland to enlist the help of pathologist Dr. Stanley (the always reliable Peter Cushing). Stymied by the situation, the pair draft Dr. David West, an expert on bone diseases, to assist them. West’s girlfriend Toni tags along, and they use her father’s helicopter to return to Petrie’s Island.
It isn’t long before Landers, Stanley and West stumble upon the castle laboratory of Dr. Phillips, who has been researching a cure for cancer with his team of scientists. There, they find the boneless corpses of Phillips and Co. and grab the team’s notes in order to get to the bottom of the mystery.
Turns out that Phillips had a breakthrough in his research and created a life form that would attack the cancer.
Unfortunately, the resulting “silicates” inject a bone-dissolving enzyme into their victims and replicate by dividing every few hours. The scientists soon realize that the creatures will take over the island in a few days if they don’t figure out a way to kill them.
There’s a decent movie at the core of ISLAND OF TERROR, but it’s nothing you haven’t seen before. Director Terence Fisher (who also directed the same year’s DRACULA: PRINCE OF DARKNESS) keeps things tense, and Cushing acts his bony ass off, making you believe that the slow moving, ridiculous looking creatures (who ooze Lipton chicken noodle soup when dividing) are the height of terror. I’m sure this would have played great had I seen it in my formative years, but at this point it feels pretty by the numbers.
I'm a big fan of Brett Piper's THEY BITE, a funny, slightly gross take on 50s killer creatures from the sea flicks. In that low-budget crowd-pleaser, the director piles on the jokes, coaxes a very funny performance from porn icon Ron Jeremy, and ups the ante with a faux trailer for the unforgettably titled INVASION OF THE FISH FUCKERS.
So, it's no surprise that the presence of Piper's name on the credits pushed BACTERIUM to the top of my 'To Watch' stack. And while it lacks the laughs or sly B-movie references of THEY BITE, it's not a bad entry in the mutant-organism-on-the-loose-meets-government-conspiracy sweepstakes.
Opening with a sinister car/helicopter chase through the underdeveloped backwoods of the mid-Atlantic (much of the flick was shot at Fort Totten, Bayside in Queens, NY), Piper sets an ominous tone that kicks the flick off nicely. As the car careens through the countryside, the driver's face pulses and melts away while the helicopter pursues its prey. As the contamination-suit-clad chopper occupants close in, one makes the tragic mistake of touching the "sample", a vial of green liquid that will surely lead to no good.
Meanwhile, a group of paintball-playing kids stumble upon what appears to be a deserted house in the woods. Thinking it'll be a good hiding place they enter, only to encounter the crazed scientist who has created a mini lab in an attempt to contain a mutated super virus. (One glance at the stack of ancient, low-fi Macs in the background might explain his utter failure at his mission.)
From this point BACTERIUM plays out like you'd expect from a low-budget version of THE BLOB. (And, in case you missed that reference point one of the characters shouts, "Don't do that! Didn't you see THE BLOB?!") The big tube of glowing fluid turns into an oozing, attacking, face-eating, chest-bursting mass that likes melting faces, flesh, and lab rats.
Will the teens and government scientists escape from the organism? Will the government decide to use a nuclear strike or even a black hole bomb that will deliver localized destruction and eradicate the creature ... not to mention everything else in the area?
If you've seen THE CRAZIES, THE BLOB, OUTBREAK, or any other mutant organism/government conspiracy/virus-on-the-loose flick, BACTERIUM won't hold a ton of surprises. But Piper and Co. manage to ring every dollar from the flick's budget thanks to some fun miniature and model work as the creeping bacterium divides and divides and grows stronger and larger.
And don't be fooled by the PG-13 rating. About 15 minutes in, star Alison Whitney treats us to a healthy dose of full-frontal nudity, complete with perky boobs and a nice landing strip. Couple the surprising nudity with the melty face effects and BACTERIUM is an entertaining, if not all that memorable (or original) monster flick. – Dan Taylor
Dan Taylor is the editor of Exploitation Retrospect and has no idea why there isn't a three-disc special edition of THEY BITE available.
The first teaser trailer for SHIN GODZILLA (GODZILLA RESURGENCE) filled my inner ten-year-old with raging excitement. Hearing it was coming to theaters for a limited run in the States made me guaranteed to give work the shaft – I was hellbent on seeing the Big G's latest adventure! In the theater, I was giddy with excitement and anticipation. When I walked out, my soul was crying with disappointment.
A leak in Tokyo Bay's Aqua Line tunnel sends government officials speculating on the cause. Was it some kind of underwater eruption? Or is it Godzilla? If you guessed the Big G, you're correct. Soon, Godzilla emerges from the water and begins trashing everything in sight en route to Tokyo. Will the Japanese government be able to stop Godzilla? Or will he turn Japan into a graveyard?
Let me tell you, my heart literally skipped a beat when Godzilla's stomp and roar were heard during the Toho logo. And I have to give SHIN GODZILLA credit for dispensing with the bullshit in the beginning and getting right down to business.
However, things go downhill from there.
First off, Godzilla's new look is sure to inspire more laughs than frights. G's look in GODZILLA VS DESTROYAH is an obvious influence here, minus the menace: those big eyes and TOO disproportionate arms make him look more like Godzilla's retarded cousin, Derpzilla. And that's not even the worst part: the first time we see Godzilla he looks more like the degenerate offspring of Zilla and Anguirus. Why? Simple: because Godzilla's still evolving. It isn't until nearly halfway through that we see him looking more like his normal self. Maybe Derpzilla is one stop along the way to Godzilla. Only sequels will tell.
Godzilla also has some new special features, which include: an atomic ray instead of radioactive breath, a lower jaw that splits, a tail that likewise shoots an atomic ray and a laser light show that erupts from his back (I wonder if he's available for raves?).
Call me a luddite, but I'll take a dude in a rubber suit smashing models over CGI any day. However, the CGI in SHIN GODZILLA is actually pretty good. For the most part anyways. While objects look nearly lifelike, there are instances when Godzilla looks pretty dodgy. Also, Godzilla's animation is real stiff at times and makes him look more like an action figure being moved by a little kid as opposed to an organic being.
But enough about Godzilla himself. How does the rest of the movie fare? I'm not shitting you when I say Godzilla falls asleep halfway through the movie. That tells you quite a bit.
A lot of people bitched and moaned that 2014's GODZILLA didn't have enough monster action in it. This is true. However, the action it DID have was rousing and exciting. In SHIN GODZILLA, the action is barely half-mast. Godzilla does very little except trample things, knock down buildings and smash shit, none of it very exciting. Then it's nap time for the remaining hour until he is stopped in an unexciting and limp-dicked finale.
A good chunk of the movie is taken up by board meetings, political squabbles and bureaucratic inefficiency – all of which are, supposedly, digs at the Japanese government's inadequate responses to the 2011 Tohuku earthquake and the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster. I have no problems with genre films tackling "big issues," but not at the expense of entertainment. Which is exactly what SHIN GODZILLA does.
And for a film that choses to focus more on the human drama than the monster action, the characters here are pretty lifeless and one-note. And there are way too fuckin' many of them. Half the time I didn't know who was who. The only one who stands out is Kayoko Patterson (Satomi Ishihara) because she speaks English at times and is nice to look at.
And another thing I have to bring up is the film's constant need to tell you WHO everyone is (no matter how minor a part they play) and WHAT everything is (no matter how insignificant) and WHERE everything is (once again, no matter how insignificant). Text constantly appears on the screen telling you the who, what, when, where, why, and how. It's acceptable to tell me the location is the Prime Minister's residence. You DON'T need to tell me when we're in an elevator. Or in a hallway. Or that a helicopter is some kind of helicopter. Or that a tank is some kind of tank. Or that a character in one scene for ten seconds is Mr. Of No Consequence. It's just distracting. And annoying.
At the end of the day, SHIN GODZILLA disappoints - and disappoints big. While it has its moments, there is very little to recommend here and should only be seen by Godzilla completists. All others are advised to play Kick the Can instead. – Evan Romero
Evan Romero is a regular contributor to the pages of ER and spends much of his time reading morally questionable books and watching movies no sane person would touch. He is the vocalist/bassist for the punk band Porno Holocaust (you can find them on Facebook and listen to some demos if you’re inclined). You can read more of his reviews at ReelAtrocities.com or at PopHorror.com. He last wrote about GORGO. SHIN GODZILLA is currently in cinemas.
The Japanese have GODZILLA and its numerous sequels, reboots, remakes and whathaveyou. The Americans have KING KONG and all its sequels, remakes and a crossover with Godzilla. The British have GORGO, one of the better giant monster flicks not in the previous two franchises. The Brits may have a reputation as a stuck up lot, but GORGO proves this doesn't apply to the destruction of London.
A volcanic eruption off the coast of Ireland unearths a giant monster. Joe (Bill Travers) and Sam (William Sylvester) see only dollar signs in their eyes and decide to take the monster back with them and sell it to the circus. But, in a plot device not utilized before, they discover that the 65-foot-tall monster is only the infant - with the parent being over 200-feet-tall! Soon, the parent emerges from the ocean and begins trashing London in search of its offspring. Will the army be able to wipe out this creature? Or will parent and child be reunited?
What makes GORGO such an excellent film is that, despite appearances, the monster is not the villain here. Instead, villainy is placed at the feet of Sam and Joe, whose greed and opportunism is the catalyst to London's destruction. Unlike, say, GODZILLA, where the monster, though created by human meddling, is the villain and we are to root against it, GORGO asks audiences to sympathize with the monster. It's not out to harm anyone. It just wants its child back. Essentially, GORGO is TAKEN with a giant monster instead of Liam Neeson. Awesome.
But what's a giant monster movie without some destruction? GORGO has plenty of that. Watch as Big Ben, Waterloo Bridge and Piccadilly Circus are trashed, smashed and thrashed! The model work is exemplary, especially for its time. One awesome shot has Gorgo taking a huge chunk out of Waterloo Bridge: looking closely, you can see people falling out of it to their deaths. The blue screen might be a bit dodgy here and there, but it's better than many productions from the same era. GORGO even contains a small homage to the original GODZILLA: the army attempts to stop him with powerlines, much like the Japanese did in GODZILLA.
And I just have to mention how cute Gorgo and Son look when they wiggle their ears like a small puppy.
Overall, GORGO is an excellent time at the movies. With stuff like SHIN GODZILLA threatening your insomnia (Editor's Note: stop back tomorrow for Evan's review of the latest Toho monsterfest meets bureaucratic primer), why not spend some time with something that ISN'T gonna put you to sleep? Something like GORGO, one of the best giant monster flicks out there.
This review is Gorgo Approved. – Evan Romero
Evan Romero is a regular contributor to the pages of ER and spends much of his time reading morally questionable books and watching movies no sane person would touch. He is the vocalist/bassist for the punk band Porno Holocaust (you can find them on Facebook and listen to some demos if you’re inclined). You can read more of his reviews at ReelAtrocities.com or at PopHorror.com. He last wrote about NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES. GORGO is available from Amazon.
Trying to put the finishing touches on a mammoth 30th anniversary issue and stay on top of our 31 Days of Fright blog feature may have been biting off more than I could chew.
In fact, it'd probably be for the best if we just moved Halloween to sometime in November.
Everybody cool with that?
Well, assuming that's going to get about as much traction as #repealthe19th I better put on my big boy pants and get back to work on both things!
But first, I wanted to dash off a few quick capsules of some of the movies I saw in the theater this week. That's right! I actually made it out to not one, not two, not three, but FOUR honest to goodness movies this week which throws my whole theatrical screenings average for a total loop. (Okay, so one was that MIDDLE SCHOOL movie which I saw with the wife and daughter but hey, it meant putting on presentable clothing and venturing into the outside world.)
First up was a trip to Silver Spring, MD for a couple screenings at the American Film Institute Theater. I'm pretty embarrassed that I've lived in this area for close to 16 years and last weekend was my first trip down there. Considering the number of revivals and their annual Spooky Movie Festival (which was the reason for the trip), I should probably have my "Movie Lover" card revoked. Bonus points for the burger, tots and Double Duckpin at the Quarry House Tavern around the corner, even if they did charge per can about what I pay for a six pack.
Up first was MY FATHER DIE (2016), the debut feature from Sean Brosnan, son of that guy who played James Bond. Chester (Chester Rushing of STRANGER THINGS) is best buds with and protector to his younger brother Asher (Gabe White). But when he crosses the line with their biker father, Ivan (an impressive Gary Stretch who looks like Norm McDonald's impression of Burt Reynolds coupled with Barry Bonds' steroid regimen), it results in Chester's death, Asher's hearing loss, and a long stretch in the slammer for dear old dad. Fast forward two decades when a grown, but still deaf, Asher (now played by Joe Anderson from TV's HANNIBAL) discovers that Ivan has been released early and he must ramp up his plan for revenge. A swirling, sweaty Southern gothic stew of preachers, porn, stomped cops, torture sessions, car chases and gun battles ensues as Ivan and Asher head towards their inevitable showdown. Maybe a touch long at 102 minutes, Brosnan's debut is nonetheless riveting and explosive, with plenty of humor to offset the revenge-driven mayhem. And yes, that's John Schneider as the grizzled cop following the trail of blood and bodies.
Shifting gears completely was the Spooky Movie followup. Tim Reis' BAD BLOOD: THE MOVIE (2016) is an ooey gooey love letter to all those mad scientist VHS flicks we rented in the 80s. Making her feature film debut, Mary Malloy stars as Victoria, a young woman home from college to find herself. Unfortunately, she finds herself living with her mom, meddling stepfather (Brian Troxell) and reptilian stepbrother. Out for a night with friends she ends up attacked by a slimy creature and is reported missing, presumed dead by Stensland (Troy Halverson), the investigator hired by her stepfather. When she turns up weeks later it's assumed she's hooked on some kind of designer drug which stepdad Wade quickly smashes so that she can get clean. Unfortunately, the "drug" was actually an antidote designed to keep her from turning into a hideous "werefrog". Calamity ensues. Reis, who also wrote the script, deftly juggles both horror and comedy, making BAD BLOOD feel like any one of a hundred similar flicks I rented over the years. Halverson practically steals the show as the deranged ex-cop on the werefrog's trail and though the ending never went as far as I hoped the whole slimy affair has me in search of THE DEMON'S ROOK (2013), an earlier flick Reis worked on.
Last but not least I had a chance to hit the theater last night for a screening of SHIN GODZILLA (2016), the latest Tokyo stompfest featuring The Big G. I'm neither a Godzilla fanboy nor a purist, so I wasn't bothered when friends whose opinions usually track with mine mentioned that the flick was maybe a tad talky and even, well, boring. These lowered expectations probably served me well and with a Bobby Flay Crunch Burger and Onion Rings in my gut and a Flying Dog Snake Dog IPA in hand (oh how I love modern cinemas!) I settled in for 120 minutes of wanton destruction. Unfortunately, it's more like 20 minutes of wanton destruction, Godzilla evolution and laser tails coupled with a solid 100 minutes of meetings, meetings about meetings, subtle digs at the US, not so subtle digs at the US, charts, origami, copier setup and did I mention meetings? Seriously, the BluRay should come with a 30 Day free trial for GoToMeeting. I'm thinking that having Godzilla TAKE A NAP (?!) in the middle of the movie probably wasn't the best plot device and the whole thing felt pretty anti-climactic, but any night that includes burgers, brews and a stompfest can't be all bad. – Dan Taylor
Dan Taylor is the editor and publisher of Exploitation Retrospect. He's pretty sure his recent case of writer's block is over. He should really get back to work on the 30th Anniversary issue of the zine.
On Friday, July 29th The Big G returns to Japanese cinemas with GODZILLA RESURGENCE. And for those of us who complained that Gareth Edwards' 2014 GODZILLA featured too much crying Bryan Cranston and not enough, you know, Godzilla, this new flick seems to solve that problem. To celebrate the return of the big guy to the big screen Evan Romero takes a trip to the VHS vault with a look at GODZILLA 1985.
The first Godzilla flick I watched was 1998's GODZILLA. Though I often caught bits of the originals on television, I'd never been able to actually sit and watch them for whatever reason. At first, I enjoyed the 1998 version. But my cousin, who was a huge Godzilla fan, told me I needed to watch the originals and that they were far better. I asked for a suggestion; he offered GODZILLA 1985 (the Americanized version of THE RETURN OF GODZILLA). After watching it, I was hooked, and the 1998 version began fading from memory...
Godzilla is back and just as pissed off – and is making a beeline for Tokyo. His destruction of a Russian submarine makes the Russians furious and intent on using nuclear weapons against Godzilla. The Americans are here – with journalist Steve Martin (Raymond Burr) in tow – to make the film marketable in America. However, the Japanese don't need no help against Godzilla as they have a secret weapon: Super-X, an attack plane that blows shit up. Now, Godzilla must contend with this pesky metal fly while trampling Tokyo and its citizens. Will Godzilla succeed in leveling Tokyo? Or will the Japanese utilize legit science to lure Godzilla to yet another grave?
GODZILLA 1985 was billed as a direct sequel to GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS, ignoring all the installments in between. Here, Godzilla returns as the villain and as a metaphor for nuclear weapons. But we don't really give a crap about the metaphorical aspects of Godzilla: we just wanna see The Big G destroy some shit. GODZILLA 1985 delivers on this. He destroys buildings, melts tanks, stomps on pesky humans, and blows shit up with his radioactive breath. The little child in each of us will be going bonkers with glee.
Watching this as an adult, I noticed just how out of place the American-made footage is and it how much it impedes the flow of the movie. Really, the American footage is here for no reason other than marketing purposes. Hell, the only productive thing they do is stop a Russian-launched nuclear missile (this subplot was slightly altered for the American release). Other than that, it's just them tossing about ideas or making lame wisecracks or spouting hammy dialogue – or all three at once! Raymond Burr is here only to shoot down the military's ideas, look intense, and wax poetically about Godzilla. Oh, and to collect a paycheck.
The Japanese footage, on the other hand, flows smoothly and feels natural. While the characters are little more than cardboard cutouts for Godzilla to stomp on, you might actually find yourself caring about one or two of them and hope they survive Godzilla's Tokyo vacation (the one I wanted to survive, sadly, doesn't).
Despite its flaws, GODZILLA 1985 provides solid entertainment guaranteed to make you feel like a kid again. Even as an adult, it still ranks as my favorite Godzilla flick and I'll cherish it forever.
And, finally, THE RETURN OF GODZILLA is making its Blu-ray debut this September thanks to the fine folks at Kraken Releasing. Sadly though, due to legal issues, GODZILLA 1985 won't be coming with it. Still, fans should be excited to finally be able to view the original in all its Big G glory. I know I am. – Evan Romero Evan Romero is a regular contributor to the pages of ER and spends much of his time reading morally questionable books and watching movies no sane person would touch. He is the vocalist/bassist for the punk band Porno Holocaust (you can find them on Facebook and listen to some demos if you’re inclined). You can read more of his reviews at ReelAtrocities.com or at PopHorror.com. He last wrote about SGT. KABUKIMAN NYPD for Troma Tuesday. GODZILLA 1985 is available from Amazon and THE RETURN OF GODZILLA is available for pre-order.
"This place is older than time. It's just the wood settling..."
Of all the movie monsters that populate the horror landscape, I'd have to say that mummies have to be my least favorite. Give me a bloodsucking vampire, stitched up monster, drooling werewolf, horny sea creature, teen-stalking killing machine or any variation on the above and I'm pretty happy for the next 90 minutes. But throw down some dross about a sack of ancient sawdust shambling after its victims and it's like a big old cinematic shot of diphenhydramine.
So when ISIS RISING: CURSE OF THE LADY MUMMY hit my mailbox it should have gone right into the pile reserved for other reviewers.
However, I am a simple man and one look at Priya Rai on the cover convinced me that maybe it was worth a look. Not familiar with Miss Rai's um, body of work? I'll give you a minute to check out her filmography, though you might not want to use your employer's computer. Or the one in your family room.
The star of such adult offerings as MOMMY GOT BOOBS 2, TITTY SWEAT and BRA BUSTERS, the tiny but top heavy Indian (by way of Minnesota) stars here as Isis, an Egyptian princess who swears vengeance on her hubbie's brother after he has her lover's body cut into pieces and cast about green screen Egypt.
Cut to present day as a professor, an Egyptologist and six students out of central casting (Jock, Rocker, Trashy Babe, Busty Skank, Asian Nerd, Dork) set out to spend the night in a museum on an archeology project, unaware that the centuries old resurrection incense is going to, you know, resurrect Isis.
What follows is a slow, surprisingly talky horror flick in which Isis possesses the female members of the team while the dudes get their comeuppance. Luckily, the ancient Book of the Dead – which looks suspiciously like a dictionary – holds the key to surviving the night.
Shot with the same bright SOV porn vibe as Bruno Mattei's THE TOMB, ISIS RISING fails to deliver on whatever promise the box held. Priya Rai is in the film for maybe five minutes and while I don't know if she has the acting chops to pull off a feature-length performance, her other assets could have made the 80-minute running time not feel like it was soaked in molasses.
What might have been a good opportunity to crank out a sexy, bloody, low-budget mummy movie is instead wasted on masturbating security guards, oral sex gags and meatheads who say things like "what's up, Reading Rainbow?"
Yo! Reading is stupid! – Dan Taylor
Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and really should be working on the new issue instead of watching stuff like ISIS RISING. You can get all the latest about new reviews and the upcoming issue by following ER on Facebook and Twitter or keeping tabs on this blog and our website.
Fall is here which means we'll be kicking into 31 Days of Fright, Exhumed Horrorthon IX and Halloween 2015 mode at any moment.
But before we do that – and begin finalizing Exploitation Retrospect #53 for its Fall/Winter publication date – the ER website at Dantenet.com was overdue for some updating.
While work continues on a master review index for the website (as well as some other housekeeping issues) I did take the opportunity to add some new reviews and a couple popular blog reviews that you might have missed.
SKINLESS (2013)
Dr. Peter Peel has a few problems. There's Dr. Alice Cross, the roommate/researcher he's carrying a torch for and Neil the Financier who wants results from the research he's been funding since the pair were fresh out of college. Oh, yeah, and there's that personal pan pizza-sized melanoma growing on his shoulder. But things are looking up. He's had a breakthrough in his cancer research and plans to synthesize the enzymes of a cancer-eating parasite in order for the serum to attack and eat cancer cells. What could go wrong...?
NYMPHO DIVER: G-STRING FESTIVAL (1981)
Now there's a title for a skin flick, one that conjures up Sapphic ménages, perhaps some bush league money shots... which, given that this is an early '80s Japanese skin flick probably won't materialize (despite the noble membership in the Nikkatsu Roman Porno Collection). It's still a pretty little ditty however, one that Japanese Film Scholar Jasper Sharp informs us in the liner notes belongs to that "most curious" of genres, "the ama or 'girl diver' film." And it's about...
THE LICKERISH QUARTET (1970)
As convoluted as THE LICKERISH QUARTET is, and Roger Ebert certainly pointed it out in his original review, it's still a delectable piece of surreal family drama sandwiched between two slices of bare-chested erotica. It flourishes in its own logic and makes its own broken rules. In short, it's superb.
ZOOM UP: THE BEAVER BOOK GIRL (1981)
ZOOM UP: THE BEAVER BOOK GIRL isn't structurally complex. The characters don't develop exponentially. The revelations aren't mind-blowing. Yet, almost every scene remains surprising. It's as if you don't expect to see any of it and when you do, you still don't believe what you just saw.
SCOOBY-DOO AND THE RELUCTANT WEREWOLF (1988)
1988's tv movie SCOOBY-DOO AND THE RELUCTANT WEREWOLF emerged at a time when the Scooby-Doo franchise was at a bit of a crossroads. Fans of the original series were all grown up, ironic appreciation of the series was a few years off, and newer fans had boosted flagging ratings only after the introduction of Scrappy-Doo, the brave, energetic and highly annoying nephew of the star pooch. RELUCTANT WEREWOLF jettisons Fred, Daphne and Velma in favor of Shaggy (voiced by the one and only Casey Kasem) and his "adoring but liberated girlfriend" Googie. Now an accomplished race car driver (?!), Shaggy becomes the object of desire of none other than Count Dracula himself.
SCREAM PARK (2014)
Cary Hill's SCREAM PARK takes the time honored (shopworn?) premise of the throwback slasher film for a spin with an entertaining 90 minutes that features masked maniacs, unleashed breasts and the occasional special effect to liven up the ride. While it may not be the 5 Star Octopus Loop-Dee-Loop of modern slashers, it steers clear of ending up in the spinning tea cups section as well.
THE LITTLE DRUMMER GIRL (1984)
The 1980s was definitely an age of best-selling novels being adapted into major motion pictures – with varying degrees of success. For every THE SHINING (1980) there's a FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC (1987). For every THE NAME OF THE ROSE (1986) there's a BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY (1988). For every THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP (1982) there's a trip to DUNE (1984). In other words, what happens when you yank the printed word from a reader's hands and splash it up on the big screen isn't always pretty. Or successful. George Roy Hill's boring 1984 adaptation of John Le Carre's 500-plus-page international bestseller THE LITTLE DRUMMER GIRL is no exception.
ADAM CHAPLIN: VIOLENT AVENGER (2011)
When Adam discovers that his wife has been killed by the local crime boss he sets out on a mission of revenge, hell bent on killing anyone that stands in his path. But what separates ADAM CHAPLIN from the endless stream of flicks with similar stories is that we're treated to an almost non-stop parade of insanely hyper-stylized supernatural action gore in which our frequently shirtless vigilante "hero" roams the fictitious town of Heaven Valley literally pulverizing anyone even remotely involved in his wife's demise.
CHINA AND SEX (1994)
I can save anyone that is not a hardcore fan of either director Joe D'Amato or a worshipper of Chinese nipples a little time right here. CHINA AND SEX may not be for you. However, this is a nice piece in the later career of D'Amato as he moved away from Filmirage cheap shockers such as CRAWLERS and into his final and ultra-prolific career as a full-time porn maven.
While Facebook may have popularized the "Throwback Thursday" concept, the idea has spread to other on-line outlets as well. So, why not this one?! Exploitation flicks certainly aren't immune to employing a throwback now and then, whether it's a remake or retro homage. Exploitation film legend Jim Wynorski's GILA! seems to fall into both categories as you'll see in Jay Kulpa's review of the surprisingly wholesome entry in the director's bodacious filmography.
The Fifties were a wonderful time for toxic waste. How could anyone hate something suspected by movie-makers everywhere to make everything bigger and super-powered? If it had that reputation today, we'd put it in a pill for “male enhancement.”
Now if there's one thing THE GIANT GILA MONSTER proved back in 1959, it's that while some things were fearsome when writ large, a small, lethargic lizard wasn't one of them. Jim Wynorski's playful and surprisingly wholesome remake doesn't try to alter that legacy. GILA!shows the monster in the first two minutes, but its heart is firmly on-sleeve before that, a romp faithful to the can-do spirit and containable menace of that era's monster movies.
Our plot features the nefarious and improper disposal of that aforementioned toxic waste, leading to a giant, cave-dwelling mutated Gila Monster that can only be brought down by a plucky band of hot-rodding, yet wholesome, heroes... but not before he makes short work of a barn, a train, and a couple townspeople in pursuit of what must be a two-million-calorie-a-day diet.
The setting is a dreary, chilly-looking rural America we can assume is the Fifties, or at least a “TWIN PEAKS-ish” approximation, invoked mostly by the wealth of vintage cars on display. You can practically picture the nervous owners chewing their nails off camera. Costumes vaguely evoke the period, with extras clearly given only the loosest wardrobe directives and nary a beehive in sight. Flat sunlight and soggy, bare trees (outside of train segment B-roll clearly from a different film) evoke a specific “Indiana Winter” flavor and an unintentional “ebbing optimism, but before crystal meth” coal country atmosphere. Yet this is directly contrasted by a sense of place and time established almost in spite of itself. People and events “feel” right, and the surprisingly large cast could win over the hardest of hearts. Rumpled Sheriff Terence Knox and lovely (though anachronistic) Deputy Kelli Maroney team up with hot-rodding Brian Gross and his pals to turn our meager monster into 10,000 future lizard skin belts, shoes, and purses. The plot is simple, characters behave somewhat rationally, and the pacing breathes without sagging.
Overall, GILA! feels fast and loose, though rarely sloppy. The time-period touches and competent cast win you over to lousy CGI, with a low budget belied by the amount of material that makes it on the screen. Wynorski reminds here that he's a pro through and through. This is a callback to his Eighties output more than the POPATOPOLIS era of single-location weekend shoots where the only special effects are a couple of rack-focused racks (such as HOUSE ON HOOTER HILL). Still, would one sorely needed can of hairspray have broken the budget?
With any Wynorski film, the actresses must be mentioned. From his BIG BAD MAMA IIdays, he brings back two actresses most welcome to any B-movie lover, the always charming Kelli Maroney and Julie McCullough. They certainly seem to be enjoying themselves, though their screen time is far too brief. Christina DeRosa makes the strongest impression of the remaining cast, packing delicious personality into every closeup. She's more than just the pretty face and magnificent chest so signature of Wynorski's work.
Who doesn't love a giant monster? Much less classic cars and pretty girls? Is GILA! great? No. Is it a pleasurable way of whiling away an afternoon when the weather outside equals that in the movie? Absolutely. You can even share this retro monster movie with the kids, and you might even crack a smile in the process.
(A note of the DVD: it has some of the worst menu screens in the history of DVDs. If you can read gray on gray, though, you should be fine. The box art seems to want one to mistake Brian Gross for Channing Tatum, and the copy gives the entire plot away.) – Jay Kulpa Jay Kulpa is a longtime contributor to ER and the head honcho at BigLugLand.com. He recently wrote about BONG OF THE DEAD, DISCO EXORCIST and others in the pages of Exploitation Retrospect #52 (available from our website). GILA! is available from Amazon.
As the air turns crisp and leaves begin to blanket the once green grass, certain autumnal images spring to mind... pumpkins, candy corn, trick or treaters, inept victims being chased by unstoppable killing machines... you get the picture. So you'd think that 2009's THE SCAR CROW would fill the bill for frightful viewing thanks to its bevy of busty babes and an iconic Halloween image – the scarecrow – taking a villainous turn. But, as longtime ER contributor and Divine Exploitation editor Douglas Waltz found out, sometimes boobs and gore just isn't enough.
In the year 1709 a woman is hanged as a witch, leaving behind three full grown daughters and a husband. The husband burns all of her belongings and has his way with the daughters. Well, two of them. He crosses the line when he attacks the youngest, Primrose, and is killed. They hide his body as a scarecrow, but he's not quite dead. He has time for a final curse upon them all. They shall never perish as long as he is the scarecrow. They attempt to bury his body, but every morning it hangs where they left it.
There is no escape from the curse.
Or is there?
Flash forward to 2009 where four buddies are on a team building exercise for their company when they stumble upon the farm where the sisters are still very much alive and looking for men to help them abolish the curse and free them forever.
Not looking too good for these fellas.
THE SCAR CROW reminds me of an old Hammer Horror film. The girls are all of ample bosom and not afraid to show them off. The blood runs red throughout the film from the first guy losing his penis to someone being gutted. The effects don't look too bad.
So, why is this thing so damned dull?
It just plods along to its inevitable, albeit bizarre, conclusion. I'm not even sure exactly what happened there.
The plot is overly simplistic so when they try to more with it you just nod and say, "Yeah, I get it." I said that a lot in this movie.
The DVD has a trailer that is pretty much the movie in short form. It gives away what plot there is along with all of the surprises as well. There is a behind-the-scenes featurette that I decided to skip as the movie did nothing to hold my interest.
And, finally, why THE SCAR CROW? I don't think it made much sense. It was a scarecrow in the flick, why not call it THE SCARECROW? I realize that there are a lot of scarecrow flicks out there. A quick glance at IMDB shows 16 of them. So what? Maybe it could have been GHOST OF THE SCARECROW or SCARECROW: RITUALS? Anything but THE SCAR CROW. It looks like they just forgot to put the 'e' in there.
In the end even the gore and boobs can't really make me recommend this movie – under any title. – Douglas Waltz
Douglas Waltz is the editor of Divine Exploitation and you can get the new issue by visiting the CreateSpace store. He is a longtime contributor to ER and recently wrote about REPLIGATOR, MOLD!, DROPPING EVIL and more in issue #52 (available at our website, CreateSpace and Amazon).
Now that ER #52 has been put to bed it's time to turn our attention to the flicks, zines, books and comics we were not able to get into the latest issue. Stay tuned to the blog as we'll be ramping up the pace with plenty of junk culture and fringe media reviews as summer draws to a close. Today's review comes courtesy of David Zuzelo (Tomb It May Concern) who took the plunge and tested the waters of the new Retromedia TV with the cool looking ZOMBIE PIRATES...
ZOMBIE PIRATES could not have been better targeted than directly at me. Let's see... a kick ass poster of (not surprisingly) ZOMBIE PIRATES? Yep! A description that includes a tribute to THE BLIND DEAD? OK, now I have to buy it. And gore? Oh, sure... there is some gore! What isn't to like? Well, I found ZOMBIE PIRATES to be an entertaining enough micro-budget film that looks sharp and contains a few nifty tributes to the undead Templar titans as well as a few good performances from the leads, though it has so much padding that I think long time trash cinema fanatics will feel like the original GHOST GALLEON plays as fast-paced as a fight from ONG BAK comparatively. While things meander a bit, and I feel like I could now close up a tattoo parlor, right down to changing the paper towels, I really liked it overall! So, recap time...
Linda (Sarah French/Scarlet Salem) is obviously one tough cookie. We meet her as she heads home with a bullet in her shoulder and a grimace on her face. Why? Well, it turns out she has robbed and killed a finder of artifacts (oh oh) and taken not only money, but some other things of mystical import. Enter the ominous, mustachioed Grant (J.C. Pennylegion), who takes a lot of time explaining that she has come into contact with a Necronomicon-esque book that contains the method to feeding flesh to undead pirates in return for silver and other treasures. AS LONG AS YOU DO IT RIGHT! Well, of course...
Linda gets forced into being said skin salesman or footage of her robbery will be sent to the police. She jumps right in, killing dudes left and right with a little seduction or even a sneaky kill a la the opening of HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY... and in comes the mossy maven of malevolence... CAPTAIN LASSARD (Eric Spudic). He looks cool as hell, though the HD video doesn't do the costume many favors in some ways. This all continues until a bothersome officer of the law, Detective Knofke (Denman Powers) makes the scene and seems to have a fun obsession with using STAYING FOR COFFEE as a strong arm tactic. Make this guy a cup, even after he quits, because he has DNA evidence to hoodwink you out of, ladies. Pretty slick...
The Zombie Pirates have arrived!
But what happens when the cop gets hip, the sacrifice goes late and the ZOMBIE PIRATES lay siege to a rather nice little home on the water? Gore! CGI! FUN!
While it runs too long with many repetitive scenes as Linda drags her white-bagged victims out to sea, or folds and unfolds a chair in her bathing suit, there is a lot to like for the low budget fan. The monster suits are really nice and I was especially impressed by ZOMBIE PARROT as well as a tiny ship shot almost exactly like the Ghost Galleon that Amando de Ossorio forged for The Blind Dead. I think the tiny budget and extremely high quality video camera dents the atmosphere that they were going for when Lassard shows up at the door, but the boat sacrifices and nomnomming are very well done. It's hard to hang a movie on just those sequences however.
A Ghost Galleon by any other name.
Thankfully, the actors do a good job with the material. French pulls off her character's various moods and "take no shit" attitude nicely and her scenes with Powers as the chatty cop are great fun fodder. Something about cops in Retromedia presentations is always fun. While not going for comedy in most instances, the two gel nicely and even I wanted to smack the detective in the head.
Most notable for me is the score is a perfect example of keeping a film flowing even in the dead spots of running time filler. An electronic score that hums beneath the entire film, it's got enough creep to keep my attention even when it starts to wander. Director Steve Sessions knows how to shoot a zombie attack AND score it at the same time. I'm impressed!
Overall, it would take a seasoned micro-budget fan to really love ZOMBIE PIRATES, but it's a serviceable slab of schlock for Blind Dead fanatics to take a look at.
Zombie Pirate nomnoming on a victim.
Another thing of note: this was my first purchase at the launch of RETROMEDIA.TV, a new service from Fred Olen Ray's company. Available through Vimeo, the movies are available to rent (for $3.99 a week) or purchase. Never having tried digital purchasing through Vimeo, I was really pleased with the quality of the product. For $7.99 you get an MP4 file that looks incredibly sharp. While you can stream through Vimeo, it is currently not on the Roku that I use. I simply put the file on a USB stick and played through my blu-ray player. The service could be a huge boon to Funky Cinefiles ready to accept medialess purchase (I'm very hesitant, personally). With the promise of items like an uncut TOMB OF THE WEREWOLF ahead, I'm sure it will be something to watch.
While I can't comment on the DVD release of ZOMBIE PIRATES, I did notice that the Retromedia disc contains HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES/GHOST GALLEON as an extra. Now that is a great flick and will certainly help anyone befuddled by the main feature as to what the tribute mentioned on the box was all about.
Definitely a decent sign of things to come, the Retromedia empire is about to enjoy some digital dominance I hope!
Zombie Parrot says... OUTTA HERE. SQUAAAAAK!!! – David Zuzelo
Baltimore filmmaker Chris LaMartina's old school horror comedy CALL GIRL OF CTHULU gets both the "horror" and the "comedy" spot on in this gory riot inspired by the works of H. P. Lovecraft.
A virginal artist falls for an escort, unaware that her butt cheek birthmark is her ticket to being the bride of Cthulu. Chock full of gore, grue, boobs, blood and laughs, CALL GIRL harkens back to the days of plucking a classic like BRAIN DAMAGE, THE CONVENT, FRANKENHOOKER or one of the BASKET CASE flicks off the video store shelves.
Coming to video (hopefully later this year according to the filmmakers) but try and see it on the big screen with a raucous, trash-loving crowd. Look for a full review in Exploitation Retrospect #52.
Made in that more serious time known as "the 1970s" when everybody was ginned up on post-Watergate suspicion of the government and environmental causes like "no nukes", PROPHECY was one of those flicks I'd always passed on in favor of something more, well, fun-sounding. Plus, I'd never heard anybody rave about it, John Frankenheimer seems like an odd choice for a monster thriller, it's rated PG, the cast of minor-league all-stars doesn't exactly inspire enthusiasm (Armand Assante aside), and I'd always kinda confused it with THE MANITOU. So there you have it.
But when a copy turned up in a box of DVDs I was sorting through I knew it was time to finally break down and give it a watch.
Rob (Robert Foxworth) and Maggie (Talia Shire) are the world's most depressing couple to hang out with. He's a permed, self-righteous do-gooder doctor that treats inner city babies and wants to punch out landlords for the crappy conditions of their buildings. She's a sour-faced orchestra cellist who recently discovered that she's pregnant but is afraid to tell Dr. Perm because he's anti-bringing-children-into-this-horrible-world.
When his buddy (Graham Jarvis) offers an opportunity to do a nebulous-sounding environmental survey in Maine, Rob jumps at the chance for a getaway (despite the fact that Maggie has to come along for the ride). Arriving in the secluded Northeast forest, the pair find themselves in the middle of a land rights tussle between the paper company with designs on logging the shit out of the forest and the original people (or "OP") who want to protect the land... possibly at all costs. This leads to things like Armand Assante – armed with an axe – taking on a logger with a chainsaw and Foxworth wondering why the fish are so damn big.
After a lot of talking about land rights (from the mill's mouthpiece played by Richard Dysart) and OP rights (from the aforementioned Assante as a downbeat American Indian named John Hawks) we eventually get down to business when a gaggle of characters and their pilot get stranded and stumble across some kind of mutant bear cub. Naturally, this brings out the mama "bear" who begins chasing the survivors through the Maine wilderness.
Despite a preachy, heavy-handed and talky first hour, PROPHECY eventually ramps it up and delivers some solid PG action including an exploding sleeping bag, decapitation, multiple inside-out-mutant-bear attacks and some Grade A "He's Gone Apeshit" acting from Foxworth and his perm. (The perm is especially spectacular.)
It's too bad the first part of the flick is such a downer, with lots of talk about mutant babies, Foxworth looking at everyone disapprovingly, Assante pontificating and Talia Shire screaming lines like "You were too busy playing God to be a HUMAN BEING!" and doing The Talia Shire Face she perfected in the ROCKY movies.
Complaints aside, the last half hour is classic "nature run amok" with bonus points given for the Inside Out Mutant Bear and my guess is that PROPHECY would probably play pretty good with an enthusiastic crowd. – Dan Taylor
If you think Full Moon flicks can be hard to follow and occasionally incoherent even at feature length, wait till you get a load of them "re-edited and re-energized from past classic films" down to anthology-sized chunks!
Eschewing any kind of wrap-around and simply plunging us right into the re-titled mini-features, TOMB starts off with 'Ascent from Hell' truncated from the 1994 feature DARK ANGEL: THE ASCENT directed by Linda Hassani and starring Angela Featherstone as Veronica, the beautiful but misunderstood demon girl who just wants to see what it's like in the world up there. It's kinda like Disney's THE LITTLE MERMAID if Ariel had wings and devil horns and instead of King Triton her dad was Nicholas Worth in bondage gear who spit-screams lines like "I'll teach you what it means to SCOFF AT THE LAW!!!" like only Nicholas Worth can. Unable to resist the call of the mortal world Veronica climbs out of a sewer into somewhere in Europe (who knew?!) and your typical "cute but demonic vigilante out of water" tale ensues. She kills some baddies, torments the town's mayor (whose major misdeeds must have been left on the editing room floor) and falls for hunky doctor Max (Daniel Markell) who doesn't think it's weird that his hot new girlfriend has no heartbeat, calls television "the magic box" and sprouts horns and claws while they're getting it on.
In the middle segment, genre vets Ashley Laurence (the HELLRAISER flicks) and Jeffrey Combs unite in the horror/heist tale 'Infinite Evil' which has been carved from the HP Lovecraft-inspired feature LURKING FEAR (1994). When parolee John Martense (Blake Adams) discovers that his father and Vincent Schiavelli stuffed a cash-filled corpse in a graveyard, he heads off to Leffert's Corners unaware that a trio of bad guys who know about the cash are hot on his trail. It all comes to a head in a graveyard church where Dr. Haggis (Combs), Cathryn (Laurence) and a handful of locals have taken refuge from the family of cannibalistic underground dwellers who emerge during rainstorms to feast, unaware that the mysterious John is more closely connected to the subterranean monsters than any of them realize.
Wrapping up our little trio of tales is 'Eternal Damnation' (which the box also calls 'Evil Never Dies'), a refreshingly gory little morsel snipped from the millennial horror tale THE TALISMAN by director David DeCoteau (under the name Victoria Sloan). Elias (Billy Parish) is the new kid at the sinister sounding Gornek International School for Boys, a dumping ground for rich American brats like Burke (Jason Adelman), a blonde thug who makes other kids do pushups in their underwear and fantasizes about making it with Elizabeth (Ilinca Goia), the daughter of the head mistress. Meanwhile, Theriel (Constantine Barbulescu), an Uncle Fester lookalike with glowing red eyes, is going around yanking out the hearts of stunned, blood-spattered students. I bet that's gonna hurt enrollment! Can Elias find out who's behind the disappearances and thwart their evil plan... before it's too late?
I'm not exactly sure who the intended audience for TOMB OF TERROR was. Even the best movie would likely suffer from having two-thirds of its running time chopped out and the "re-edited and re-energized" shorts offered here all start out okay but eventually become incoherent messes. DARK ANGEL's straightforward (ie, predictable) storyline probably survives the cuts the best while THE TALISMAN – despite the gore provided by Uncle Fester – veers closest to being unwatchable. C. Courtney Joyner's LURKING FEAR, while jumbled beyond belief at points, is definitely (okay, maybe?) the one I'll track down in its full-length form, but I'm a sucker for crucifix-fu, horror-action hybrids and anything with Combs.
Strangely enough, all three segments deal with issues of family... Victoria defies her parents in order to explore the world of the mortals while Demon Mom and Demon Dad must learn to let their little demon go; John struggles with the loser legacy of his father and must fight the monster within; and, Elias – orphaned as a youngster – longs to find out what happened to his older sister. I'm not sure anybody at Full Moon had the foresight to thematically collect these tales, but if they did would it have killed them to come up with a better title or at least some kind of goony linking device?
If anthologies are your thing this one is easily skippable and if you dig Full Moon (and I pity you if that's the case) you're probably better served seeking out the original features.
Stop me if you've heard this one before: a group of friends in a van (most of whom look a little long in the tooth to be talking about borrowing daddy's car) travel to the woods for a little r&r only to experience weird goings on and encounter an ancient evil. Bonus points if you anticipated dialogue like "he's coming right back", "I swear it's going to be okay" and/or "is there anybody out there?".
Yes, EYES OF THE WOODS is yet another riff on the same genre tropes we've seen trotted out in an endless parade of slasher/demonic possession/zombie flicks over the last four decades – and, despite a wealth of material to draw from (ie, rip off) it's not executed very well.
Opening in the 1500s (in sepia no less, though all resemblances to THE WIZARD OF OZ end there), EYES begins in a small village where "medicines are scarce" and an evil force has been taking the children despite the local minister's attempt to heal the kids with the power of prayer. When one villager makes a pact with the devil – complete with pentagram and shape shifting – the townsfolk take their period Party City costumes and confront the beast (played by Walter Phelan), only to end up with a bunch of cracked skulls and slashed up flesh. Actually, I shouldn't mock... by the end of the flick I was looking back on this first fifteen minutes with fondness. It's the highlight of an otherwise tedious experience.
Fast forward to "PRESENT DAY" and our aforementioned "students" are headed into the woods, though it's a bit unclear as to why. In place of any actual characterization we simply get cardboard cutouts like Goth Girl, Tough Chick, Egghead (she reads and wears glasses!), and rather than giving a crap about them you simply end up wondering how or why these people even became friends. After the requisite encounter with the creepy local at the gas station ("How much we owe you for the gas?" "How much you GOT city boy?!") they reach the woods where things soon begin going wrong as Kelly (Lira Kellerman) wanders off in the middle of the night, bodies of water seem to appear and disappear, watches and phones stop working and the remaining "students" get separated.
It's here – at the 45 minute mark – where EYES crosses the fine line from disinteresting (my notes include mentions about making a cheese sandwich or having "another beer") to laughable as the remaining characters spend approximately 25 minutes wandering through the woods shining their flashlights through the fog and shouting each other's names. How many times do they shout each other's names? I'm glad you asked. Let's just say that if you plan on turning it into a drinking game you might want to have poison control and/or 911 on speed dial.
The monster from the first fifteen minutes eventually returns but by then it's too late to salvage much interest in what the box has the chutzpah to call "an edge-of-your-seat fright-mare destined to become a cult classic ... in the tradition of The Evil Dead and Jeepers Creepers". (Jeepers Creepers?!) Played far too straight for its own good, EYES is neither fun nor scary and despite a mere 79 minute running time draaaaggggs its characters and the viewer to the what-I-guess-is-supposed-to-be-shocking conclusion.
With three directors (including one who gets the dreaded "Completion footage directed by..." credit) it's easy to see why EYES OF THE WOODS feels disjointed and occasionally haphazard. Too many chefs – and not enough original ideas – conspire to doom the project. – Dan Taylor
