TARANTULAS: THE DEADLY CARGO (1977)

After reading the story about the tarantula escaping from a plane in nearby Baltimore, I knew it was time to give the furry stars of the 1977 tv movie TARANTULAS: THE DEADLY CARGO (Frematle Media) some exposure.

Filmed before he became a tv star via WKRP IN CINCINATTI, TARANTULAS briefly features Howard Hessman and dependable Tom Atkins (NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, THE FOG, HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH) as a couple of gringoes with heads full of get-rich-quick dreams. So when they pour out of a taxi at a South American airport looking drunk and hanging all over some slatterns, the Federales eye them up as easy marks for an “export tax” on their cargo of Ecuadorian coffee beans.

In an unfortunate turn of events, Detective Cameron listens to Johnny Fever and his plan to get the money they need to get back to the States. And that’s the first sign of trouble. Well, that and the tarantulas that have crawled into the bags of beans. Oh, and the three illegals who get on board and promptly fall ill and get bitten by the spiders that spring from the bags during a storm. Other than that it’s a great plan.

After the plane crash lands in a small town filled with orange groves, the tarantulas – actually the Wandering or Banana Spider – make life a living hell in very JAWS-esque fashion, threatening the local industry (oranges instead of tourism) and turning Pat Hingle into Roy Schieder’s character.

Unfortunately, TARANTULAS is as slow moving as the titular characters and nowhere near as much fun as DISASTER ON THE COASTLINER, a 1979 made for tv flick also co-starring Hingle that I caught via Netflix earlier this week.

Oh sure, there are minor moments of hilarity like the woman who mistakes a tarantula for her boyfriend (in her defense his chest was pretty hairy) and lines like “hey you punk kid, get away from there” but most of the 96-minute running time is devoted to watching 70s tv stars wander around a warehouse shoveling up spiders – did I mention they’re motionless spiders – while wasp sounds buzz through the speakers.

If that sounds like your idea of a good flick then by all means run out and grab TARANTULAS from the cheapie DVD rack at your local supermarket. If not, do yourself a favor and watch the genuinely creepy KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS instead. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor and publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and The Hungover Gourmet (where this review originally appeared in a slightly different form). Spiders give him the heebie jeebies, but not as much as eye violence.

Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo is available from Amazon.

This is Almost Enough to Make Me Subscribe to the PLAYBOY Channel!

Did you love John Waters' commentary track on the CHRISTMAS EVIL DVD and Blu-Ray?

Wouldn't you love to sit down and watch a bunch of movies with the PINK FLAMINGOS director and get his take on them?

The PLAYBOY Channel – which I didn't know still existed – is going one better and has hired Waters to host screenings of a series of vintage porn films that will air on Saturday nights beginning this month. (Unfortunately, this received so little press that we've already missed the first week!)

Waters is slated to host screenings of such groundbreaking and legendary skin flicks as DEEP THROAT, THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES, CANDY STRIPERS, TELL THEM JOHNNY WADD IS HERE and DEBBIE DOES DALLAS.

CALL GIRL OF CTHULU (2014)

Baltimore filmmaker Chris LaMartina's old school horror comedy CALL GIRL OF CTHULU gets both the "horror" and the "comedy" spot on in this gory riot inspired by the works of H. P. Lovecraft.

A virginal artist falls for an escort, unaware that her butt cheek birthmark is her ticket to being the bride of Cthulu. Chock full of gore, grue, boobs, blood and laughs, CALL GIRL harkens back to the days of plucking a classic like BRAIN DAMAGE, THE CONVENT, FRANKENHOOKER or one of the BASKET CASE flicks off the video store shelves.

Coming to video (hopefully later this year according to the filmmakers) but try and see it on the big screen with a raucous, trash-loving crowd. Look for a full review in Exploitation Retrospect #52.

Auction Adventures with Vincent Price

The Vincentennial – the 100th birthday celebration of the life of actor Vincent Price – is going on in St. Louis through May 28th. In addition to screenings of some of the actor's major works, the celebration included appearances by Price's daughter Victoria and Roger Corman, whose famous Poe adaptations featured Price in starring roles. Alas, no mention is made of Price's role as a true "celebrity chef" who toured the world with his wife Mary in search of great food and drink. The article that follows originally appeared in the pages of The Hungover Gourmet: The Journal of Food, Drink, Travel and Fun.

Regular readers of THG are well aware that my interests are pretty far flung. Besides eating, cooking, drinking, traveling, self-publishing, writing and having fun I have nearly-lifelong penchants for both movies (my first zine was the drive-in movie newsletter Exploitation Retrospect) and music (years spent as a college radio DJ and record collector will do that).

What many folks don't know about me is that I'm also a collectibles nut. Though the job of cleaning out the house my parents lived in for four decades cured me of some of my hoarding tendencies, you can't cure it all in the span of a couple weeks.

My interest in collecting started out innocently enough with things like the Hardy Boys books when I was an adolescent. Atari 2600 video games came after that. When my parents decided to have a garage sale in the early 90s I thought little of it. Until I saw that they were essentially giving away large chunks of my childhood for what I thought to be insanely low prices.

I was incredulous that you could write "50 cents" on a vintage James Bond Board Game in permanent black marker (oh Dad...) but happily filled my car with games and toys my parents were delighted to see me haul off.

Since these were the days before eBay, I found myself selling and trading the items over now-ancient bulletin boards and at toy shows set up in Holiday Inns. Success had me hooked. Sales meant money and money meant replenishing inventory, so I would spend my weekends hitting garage and yard sales, flea markets, and thrift stores.

But there was always one thing that spooked me and that was (cue dramatic music) The Auction. Dun-dun-dun-duh!

I'd seen enough bad 60s sitcoms to convince me that an auction was no place for the likes of me. An auction was where high society gathered to bid on paintings by the masters, fragile statues and furniture sat upon by the people who shaped our nation's history.

And, as any sitcom will tell you, you can't attend an auction without accidentally bidding on something because your ear itches or you have a hair in your eye. Though I'm not a twitchy individual by nature an auction just didn't seem like a good idea.

Fast forward a dozen years and you can barely keep me away from an auction. I'm not sure when the transformation occurred, but I'm pretty sure my wife had something to do with it. I'd been to an auction or two before we started dating, but they became a fun way to spend a weekend morning and I got hooked. Especially on box lots. I loves me some box lots.

So, when the postcard arrived from one of the area auction companies I frequently patronize, I gave it my usual cursory glance before sticking it up on the fridge. And then it jumped out at me... TREASURY OF GREAT RECIPES cookbook signed by Vincent Price.

For those who only know Price from his roles in William Castle flicks, Roger Corman Poe films or as the ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES, Price was actually a renowned chef who traveled the world with Mary, his wife, eating at some of the most famous and legendary restaurants of the day.

TREASURY OF GREAT RECIPES: Famous Specialties of the World's Foremost Restaurants Adapted for the American Kitchen was the result of some of those trips. In its pages, the Prices gathered menus and recipes from a far-flung assortment of eateries in France, Italy, Holland, Scandinavia, England, Spain, Mexico and here in the USA. Trust me, this is not some moronic celebrity cookbook featuring cocktail franks and BBQ dunking sauce. (Not that I have anything against that.) It's just that when you use phrases like "celebrity chef" Vincent Price literally wrote the book.

And I wanted that book.

I'd attended an auction from the same company a week before and had come away grossly disappointed. An advertised Batman bank from 1966 (oh yeah, I currently collect vintage Batman memorabilia) was listed but never materialized and I assumed the fragile statue of The Caped Crusader had been either lost or broken.

Though bidding wasn't slated to begin until 5:00 P.M. I arrived an hour early to scope out the goods and size up the competition. Oh yeah, and eavesdrop on the chatter, which is often the most fun to be had at these things.

It was many of the same faces as the previous week but the nice weather had brought some new folks thanks to the lure of items being auctioned both inside (collectibles and furniture) and out (tools and miscellaneous). Walking around before the auction starts is often the best part since you get to hear the bitching and moaning about how there's nothing good... yet these are the same people I see week in and week out at this auction house and others. There must be some reason they attend.

While searching for the Vincent Price cookbook I overhear that some of the items, including the cookbook, are left over from an estate sale held about a year ago. The source of the item is supposedly Hans Kramm, a chef who served as a cook for Adolph Hitler and various Nazi higher-ups before he emigrated to Maryland and opened a restaurant.

Who knows how much of the stuff you overhear at a sale is on the up and up and how much is utter bullshit, but it's an interesting story nonetheless. While searching for – and finding – the book I also locate a few other lots both outside and inside that I want. Most are items targeted for resale on eBay, but last week's missing 1966 Batman bank has surfaced! It's in a box with a bunch of sellable items and I get the whole lot for my maximum bid of $15. (Note... I've never been able to part with the Batman bank, even during the current spike in popularity due to THE DARK KNIGHT. In fact, it's sitting on my desk right now.)

The bidding outside is focused on tools, so it'll be a while before they get to the bag of games and puzzles that has caught my attention. Inside I snag another box of toys – including a Kellogg's 1992 Dream Team in-store premium – for a whopping $5.

The rest of the night is spent darting from the outside of the hall to the inside, trying to calculate which will go up first – the cookbook or the bag of games and puzzles. The sun goes down and a chill sets in as they finally hit the row with the bag of games. Desperate to move along they combine it with another box of stuff – including some creepy tobaccoiana – and I walk away with everything for less than $10. (The item I thought would bring the best dough is an Avalon Hill Gettysburg Board Game which I sell on eBay for about $25.)

Outside purchase accomplished I move inside and wait and wait and wait for the cookbook. For all I know it's going to go for way more money than I can/want to pay, but something tells me this crowd couldn't care less about The Host of Haunted Hill. As they start picking items off the furniture near the book I go into my usual auction mode. In other words, my palms start to sweat and my heart begins racing like I've just spent the last 30 minutes on a treadmill.

A poker face I am not.

$40 is about my limit and I'm praying that I won't get caught up in some kind of bidding frenzy. Last time I did that it cost me $125.

In the end Vincent Price is mine, mine, all mine for $20. Almost had it for $10 but somebody jumped in at the last minute. Who cares? I love the inscription as well as the backstory (true or not) and it makes an amazing addition to my bookcase-straining cookbook collection!

Louis Fowler's DEVASTATOR Tour '09: THG Style

Ever wonder what it's like to spend a day eating your way around Baltimore with yours truly?

Louis Fowler does a pretty great job of capturing the high and low lights of his all-too-brief visit to Charm City including going to Attman's Lenny's for lunch, a visit to the one and only Atomic Books, and breaking crabcakes at Michael's Steak & Lobster House with yours truly and Smile Hon editor Patrick Tandy (aka The World's Most Prolific Zine Publisher).

As my daughter would say, "Check it!"

FANEX at the Senator

As some of you may know, Baltimore's single-screen movie house The Senator has fallen on hard times and "the end" was supposedly at hand. I'm not sure what's happening at this point... there had been talk of the city taking over the historic theater to avoid the auction block but I'm not sure what the latest is.

The good part about the current problems has been that it has forced the powers that be to re-examine just what the hell they've been doing and for the first time in the eight years I've been here somebody finally got the idea that maybe plunking first-run features in there wasn't the best use of the building.

Anyway, recent weeks have seen a wide range of flicks hit the screen at The Senator and I just found out that our old friends Gary & Sue Svehla of Midnight Marquee and FANEX fame are going to program the schedule the weekend of May 1. Here are some of the highlights...

Friday, 5/1
------------
ALIEN FACTOR @ 7 PM
SUSPIRIA @ 10:30 PM

Saturday, 5/2
--------------
THE INVISIBLE GHOST @ 10:30 AM
BASKET CASE @ 1 PM
FANEX FILES: HAMMER FILMS @ 3 PM
HORROR OF DRACULA @ 5 PM
SUSPIRIA @ 10:30 PM

There are some additional, locally made, low-budget flicks playing as well. For more check out the Midnight Marquee website.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

That's the tune that's being sung here in Baltimore.

No love for John Harbaugh as Coach of the Year (on a team that could have openly revolted given the veteran leadership and the fact that Rex Ryan wasn't named head coach). Joe Flacco gets zero votes as Offensive ROTY (all he does is go 11-5 for a team expected to finish in the cellar after he was expected to be third string behind Troy Smith and, gasp, Kyle Boller).

And, in the most egregious display of media bias against the Ravens, Ed Reed leads the league in INTs, returns two for TDs, plays hurt all year and anchors one of the best D's in (channeling my inner Jaws) The National Football League and he gets 8 votes for Defensive Player of the Year and finishes third?

I pity the fools. My prediction for the Ravens/Titans game? I'll let Clubber Lang weigh in...

Go Phightin Phils!

I'm not the baseball fan I once was. Those days died when the Phillies team I grew up with – Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton, Bob Boone, Greg Luzinski, Garry Maddox, Bake McBride and, most importantly, Larry Bowa – was dismantled after the team won the 1980 World Series.

By the time the Phils reached the Series again in 1983 – where they lost to my current hometown hopefuls, the Baltimore Orioles – the team featured aging ex-Reds in place of my beloved Phils and things were never really the same.

I've casually followed baseball since then, largely due to the influence of my Dad, a lifelong baseball fan and Phillie fanatic. I was born when Dad was nearly 50 so we didn't see eye-to-eye on lots of things. But sports, especially the national pastime, was something we could always bond over. Even when our relationship in other areas was at its nadir.

Times have changed. Dad's gone. And baseball is even further removed from the game I grew up watching, playing and loving. But a new season officially starts today and when 3 PM rolls around I'll grab my daughter, pop on her Phils hat and we'll settle in to watch the Phils battle the Washington Nationals.

It has been nearly 25 years since a major Philadelphia sports team has won a championship. Twenty-five years. Do I think the Phils can reverse that trend, defy the odds, repeat their success of last year and maybe even win a World Series? Not really. But that's the beauty of sports, especially one with a grinding season like baseball. On March 31, the possibilities are endless.

Unless, of course, you're an Orioles fan.

I Don't Know What Reunion I'm More Excited For...

Apparently I've reached that age where bands I once loved return to the scene after a lengthy absence. While I once viewed comebacks of aging rockers as cash-grabs deserving of pity and dismay I must admit that two upcoming shows have me intrigued and even a bit tingly.

April 28th brings Urge Overkill – or, simply, UO – to the Ottobar for the first time in many, many years. (I think they played the Hard Rock Cafe down by the Inner Harbor three, maybe four, years ago.) Though their rock star pose got a bit tiresome and 'Exit the Dragon' didn't end their major label stay on a high note, I'll go to my grave believing that 'Saturation' remains one of the great guitar rock classics of all-time. Unfairly lumped into a grunge scene they certainly didn't belong in, the album never received the support it needed but remains in heavy rotation on my iTunes.

I'm not sure what the band has been up to of late. Nash Kato released a solo LP that seemed to come and go without much attention, and there were always rumors about personal demons that haunted the band. But I still recall the first time I saw them when they blew the roof off Philly's Khyber Pass back when 'Supersonic Storybook' was just out and that night they made a fan for life.

On the flip side of UO's 70s schtick power trio coin sits Tesco Vee and the mighty Meatmen, authors of the brilliant 'War of the Superbikes'. A showman of the highest order, Vee not only fronted the Meatmen and Tesco Vee's Hate Police (whose t-shirt almost got my ass kicked in a South Jersey bar) but he also hosted the greatest show in the history of MTV, the totally ahead of its time punk-travel-food program 'Way USA' which lasted, um, two episodes. One of which MTV never aired.

Vee and his crew bring their act to the Ottobar on May 13.

Nothing Says Xmas in Baltimore Like a Natty Boh Tree

Just a quick note to wish all a happy and safe holiday season, or in the immortal words of Krusty the Klown, "have a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a kwaazy Kwanza, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified, Ramadan. And now a word from MY god, our sponsors!"

We rang in the holiday season last night with a holiday dinner at Paper Moon Diner and visit to Hampden's annual lights-travaganza featuring more low wattage bulbs, animatronic Santas, and stuff that screams "It's Freaking Festive!" than you can shake a stick at. For the full effect check out our Flickr set from the evening. But here are some of my faves...

That's our daughter Ryan doing her best Cindy Lou Who impression.

Ryan deep in conversation with THG contributor and Smile Hon, You're in Baltimore editor WP Tandy. Oh yeah, the new issue of Smile Hon is out now and looks fabulous, so get on over to Eight Stone Press HQ for all the ordering info.

Admittedly, my mind tended to wander during Catholic school religion class. But I definitely don't recall Mary and Joseph having Jesus in a gingerbread house.

Yes, that's a giant projection screen on the rooftop showing Bob Clark's seminal holiday fave A CHRISTMAS STORY. Overhead while walking past: "As soon as I heard my new boss didn't like that movie I knew I wouldn't like working for him."

And, yes, those are Schlitz Beer Can holiday lights hanging from the porch.

But nothing says Christmas Baltimore-Style like a Natty Boh and Old Bay Xmas tree.

From all of us here at The Hungover Gourmet, Exploitation Retrospect and The Klaus Kinski Files, best wishes for the holiday season!

Waters to Make LAST STALL ON THE LEFT?

One of the best things about living near Baltimore is the possibility that you could run into the great John Waters while walking around Hampden or hanging at one of the local art museums.

These days, Waters is on the road with his one-man show 'This Filthy World' and giving interviews about things like stuff you hear in Baltimore and his idea for a film about the Larry Craig airport bathroom scandal.

THG and Smile Hon Nominated by Utne

Utne Reader has officially announced its nominees for the magazine’s 2007 Independent Press Awards, which honors the very best in independent media from the pool of more than 1,300 sources Utne uses to cull its content. Among the 111 nominees selected were old favorites as well as a number of newcomers.

I'm thoroughly pleased to announce that both The Hungover Gourmet and Smile Hon, You're in Baltimore (edited and published by good friend and frequent THG contributor Patrick Tandy) have been nominated in the category of General Excellence for Zines.

Congrats to all the nominees! Utne will announce the winners in January/February 2008.

City Paper Profiles THG Contributor

WP Tandy has been a longtime contributor to the pages of The Hungover Gourmet, not to mention one of our most reliable tipsters when it comes to bizarre and offbeat stories for the blog (see yesterday's story of a man, his smoker, and a human leg).

Tandy is also the editor/publisher of Smile Hon, You're in Baltimore, a popular zine that's been gaining national attention thanks to its latest issue, Criminally Yours (published in conjunction with Atomic Books' Mobtown Shank). Check out the Baltimore City Paper website for a profile of our good friend.

Short Notice is Better Than None

Sorry for the short notice but I'll be pinch hitting and taking part in tomorrow's zine panel at Baltimore's City Lit Project Festival. The panel takes place from 11:00 AM to 12:30 PM at the Enoch Pratt Free Library. I'll be joined on the panel by Jill Strass from the Baltimore County Public Library's Zine Collection. Come on out, join the discussion, ask questions. I'll also be bringing tons of free zines with me!

Of Waters and Zombies

After spending most of the day yesterday working on the house, it was nice to get out and head down to the MD Film Fest. I've always been underwhelmed by MD's three day event, which usually seems to rely too much on art house bullshit and experimental wanking with the odd documentary or horror flick thrown in to satisfy the curious. This year they were doing a "tribute" to area low-budget filmmaker Don Dohler, but said tribute appeared to be a single showing of one film, outdoors and a documentary made by a local film student.

Anyway, films weren't my reason for going. Atomic Books, a local indie book/comic/pop culture store that carries The Hungover Gourmet invited me down to hang at their booth in the fest's new "arts village" and sign copies of THG for lucky buyers. It turned out to be fun as some people actually did buy copies and had me sign them. I felt like such a celeb.

My signing was scheduled right before and during the festival's annual John Waters Presents screening, in which the local hero screens a favorite film of his selected just for the fest. This year it was Bobcat Goldthwait's new flick, SLEEPING DOGS LIE and the SHAKES THE CLOWN director was also joining Waters for the screening. Though I didn't get to attend the screening – I was busy dealing with my adoring public – it did my heart good that I talked to a half dozen or more teenaged kids who were there with their parents to attend the Waters event. I had to laugh because *my parents* had a bit of a coronary when a local newspaper profiled me when the first issue of Exploitation Retrospect came out and they mentioned my love for PINK FLAMINGOS, in which a fat transvestite ate dog excrement. Good times, good times.

Last but not least, I also picked up a copy of ZOMBIEMANIA: 80 MOVIES TO DIE FOR by Arnold Blumberg and Andrew Hershberger. Though both are Baltimore area residents, the book is published by Telos in the UK. The nearly 500 page work serves as a guide to the incredibly popular walking dead genre, with looks at everything from WHITE ZOMBIE and BOWERY AT MIDNIGHT to RE-ANIMATOR, THE BEYOND, NIGHT OF THE COMET, NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES and much more. From what I've read so far the book treads that fine line between reverential and tongue-in-cheek.

Save Our Senator Update... 4 Days to Go

Just to update everybody, the Senator Theater has raised about $63,000 worth of donations with four days to go until the deadline imposed by the bank. Ironically, the bank that is threatening the theater with foreclosure -- First Mariner -- is a Baltimore owned and operated institution that has been running ads trumpeting its dedication to Baltimore.

Granted, they're a business and thus in it to make money and not give a handout to every charity case. One wishes that they could meet the theater owner on common ground to try and prevent the theater from biting the dust.

In other news, sales of The Hungover Gourmet combined with my own donation should contribute $100 or more to the cause. Thanks to everybody that has helped spread the word, purchased an issue or donated to the cause.

There's still time to buy a copy of THG with all proceeds going to the Save Our Senator fund.

Help Save Baltimore's Senator Theater

Baltimore's Senator Theater, the last of the area's grand old movie theaters, may be facing its final curtain. The theater has 10 days to raise the $93,000 it owes its lender or the majestic, nearly 70 year old building will be sold at foreclosure auction.

I'm not here to ask you for a donation but if you do feel so inclined every little bit helps. A groundswell of grassroots fund-raising efforts has been under way for a few days, helped along by articles in the local media (you can read the articles at the site link below) and the theater promises a fundraising "progress bar" to let people know how close they are to achieving their goal.

More than just a theater, the Senator is also a key component in the recent revival of the city's Belvedere Square area and brings substantial foot traffic to the restaurants and small businesses that have helped turn the area around. A donation to help the Senator is a donation to help continue the revitalization of Baltimore itself.

100% of all purchases of The Hungover Gourmet made through our store between now and February 19 (next Monday) will go directly to the Save Our Senator fund. If you can't make a purchase or donate please help spread the word about the fight to Save Our Senator.

Read more or make a donation.

Purchase an issue of THG and Help Save Our Senator.