VHS WEDNESDAY: SKATEBOARD (1978) with Leif Garrett, Allen Garfield, Orson Bean

Allen Garfield is one of my very favorite character actors of all time. He's one of those guys whose very appearance, however brief, will enliven any movie. (I think my favorite Garfield performance was as Fishbine, the owner of the ambulance company in 1976's MOTHER, JUGS AND SPEED.) SKATEBOARD (aka SKATEBOARD: THE MOVIE) is a rare starring vehicle for him and he makes good use of his inflated screen time. He really milks his lovable loser character for all its worth but you only wish that the screenwriters (one of whom is future Law & Order czar Dick Wolf) gave him better material to work with.

Garfield plays a talent agent who owes his ex-wife a lot of money and a notorious gangster even more. Desperate for some quick cash, he cooks up a scheme to promote a skateboard team after he witnesses their ringleader jump over his car while riding a board. Garfield takes the kids up and down the coast performing in skateboarding exhibitions under the moniker "The Los Angeles Wheels". When his top skater leaves the team abruptly, the youngster Brad (Leif Garrett, yes, Leif Garrett) steps in at the last minute for the big downhill race.

This was made a few years before guys like Tony Hawk and the Bones Brigade made skating cool. Because of that, most of the skateboarding scenes showcase the skaters doing more freestyle types of tricks. Still, the shots of kids skating on downhill courses, in drainage pipes, and in empty swimming pools aren't bad for what they are.

That pretty much sums up the movie.  It's okay for what it is.  It's amiable for the most part, but ultimately it's harmless and forgettable.

Garfield's performance carries the film a long way.  It seems like THE BAD NEWS BEARS was probably the inspiration as it features a foul-mouthed loser in charge of a bunch of kids (except for the fact that these kids, unlike The Bears, are all good at what they do). Garfield's exasperated kvetching while bossing the kids around is good for a few laughs on its own. If only he actually had some legitimate zingers to toss out, the flick could've been a real winner.  espite the weak script, Garfield plays the role as well as you'd expect him to, and most of the kids are naturalistic and appealing.

Since it's a definite product of its time, you can have fun watching it and knowing that they would never be able to get away with some of this stuff nowadays.  or a kid's movie, there's a surprising amount of drug talk early on (a drug dealer tries to sell Garfield some Maui Wowie while he's in the unemployment line) and there's a subplot about Garfield having to keep his star skater from messing around with a younger teammate (you know, because nothing sells a kiddie flick like a couple of statutory rape jokes). I also got a laugh from the scene where the star skater was arrested for drinking and skating. (I'm not kidding.)

As a sports film, SKATEBOARD is predictable and formulaic. Even within that genre, it comes up short as the skateboarding scenes get a bit repetitive after a while. (Future Direct to Video star Chad McQueen was one of the skaters.) Thanks to the detailed vans, short-shorts, and bellbottoms it almost (pardon the pun) skates by on pure '70s nostalgia alone. I mean no matter how patchy and overlong it was, I can't completely hate any movie in which Orson Bean plays himself. – Mitch Lovell

Mitch Lovell is a frequent contributor to the print version of Exploitation Retrospect. He is also the editor of The Video Vacuum and author of several film books including the recent Double Vision: Hollywood vs. Hollywood. He last wrote about THE DOGFIGHTERS for VHS Wednesday.

SKATEBOARD is available from Amazon.

VHS WEDNESDAY: Kickin' Off the Season with THE LAST BOY SCOUT (1991) starring Bruce Willis, Damon Wayans

There was a time – back in the early 90s – when the events of THE LAST BOY SCOUT (1991) seemed ludicrous. Entertaining, yes, but ludicrous all the same. But with each passing season and its corresponding murder convictions, suspensions for domestic abuse, PED scandals and extravagant, choreographed primetime intros, are we that far away from a player pulling a gun on another player on the field? In other words, the NFL season starts tomorrow night so it's a great night (or day) for football and Evan Romero's look at this Sleazy Sportsman Hall of Famer. Take it away Evan – with a little help from Bill Medley... 

Ah, football season. The time of year for arguments to break out on Facebook over whose team is better and for football fans to get drunk and kill each other. It happens to coincide with our Fearless Editor hitting me up and desperately begging for VHS action film reviews. "Action! Action! I need action! Bullets, explosions, manly men with manly egos doing manly things! What have ya got, Evan?" Hmmm... Football season, manly men, bullets flying, shit blowing up... "How about THE LAST BOY SCOUT?" I say. His joyful scream sounds like a wolf with ragged vocal chords attempting a falsetto. "Yes, yes! Bruce Willis! Damon Wayans! Bullets and football! Stuff goes boom! Send it on over!"

Private investigator Joe Hallenbeck (Bruce Willis) is given the task of watching an "exotic dancer," Cory (Halle Berry), who's been having some problems with some goons. Sounds pretty routine. But when Cory ends up a victim of a professional hit, Joe knows somethin' ain't right. Further investigation shows that Sheldon Marcone (Noble Willingham), owner of the L.A. Stallions, put the hit on Cory – who may have been blackmailing Marcone. Teaming up with ex-L.A. Stallions quarterback Jimmy Dix (Damon Wayans), Joe sets out to solve the murder and put the goons on the bench.

When people do the HIGH FIDELITY list shit and ask me for my Top 5 Action Movies to Watch on a Sunday Afternoon, THE LAST BOY SCOUT is amongst them. To me, the film has it all: fun heroes, despicable villains, exciting and rousing action sequences, lots of violence, one-liners aplenty, and solid comedy. Revisiting the flick after all these years, I expected to find myself jaded and on the verge of falling asleep. Nope. This film still rouses feelings in me that not even the anticipation of great sex can do. I just sit there on the edge of my seat, eyes wide and glued to the screen, spasms of elation racing through my body that make me look like a man with Parkinson's having a seizure.

Willis and Wayans are perfect in their roles. Their chemistry is so great it's hard to believe they hated working with each other and actually despised each other (so much for a sequel). And how can we forget about slimy ol' Milo, played with sleazy perfection by the late Taylor Negron? Hell, ALL the actors here, even those in bit parts, create memorable and fun characters you just can't help but love or hate. Even that "pimp-lookin' motherfucker with a hat" shines in his very brief time on screen.

The action scenes had me on the edge of my seat the entire time – even though I already knew what was coming. The final confrontation between Milo and Joe still ranks as my favorite scene, one that I often rewind and watch again. My only major gripe is that some of the violent scenes are trimmed after it was originally rated NC-17. Imagine just how bloody Milo's demise would have been had the scurvy cocksuckers at the MPAA left their hands off it! Bastards!

But the comedy is where THE LAST BOY SCOUT truly shines. It has more wit and one-liners than any action flick has a right to have and they are guaranteed to have you running to the end zone with laughter, "and then some."

THE LAST BOY SCOUT scores a touchdown in every aspect and is guaranteed to be enjoyed by all. So grab a beer (preferably a craft beer) and your football buds and check it out. I mean, it's better than going to a game and risking death at the hands of drunken, enraged fans... – Evan Romero

Evan Romero is a regular contributor to the pages of ER and spends much of his time reading morally questionable books and watching movies no sane person would touch. He is the vocalist/bassist for the punk band Porno Holocaust (you can find them on Facebook and listen to some demos if you’re inclined). You can read more of his reviews at ReelAtrocities.com or at PopHorror.com. He last wrote about THE TOXIC AVENGER PART III for Troma Tuesday.

THE LAST BOY SCOUT is available from Amazon.

The Fix is In! For the First Life or Death Ballgame in World Series History!

While shopping for men's adventure novels at the big local used book sale this spring I stumbled upon Don Kowet's The 7th Game, a 1977 paperback thriller from Dell. How could I not be hooked by a book whose cover featured a baseball with a burning fuse?! Throw in explosives and a gambling / kidnapping plotline and I was all in. Plus, I figured, with the Phillies poised to roll their way at least to the World Series it would make for a great post to coincide with their return to the Fall Classic that starts this evening.

Oops.

In The 7th Game, Jim Pallafox is a left-handed rookie pitcher for the Oakland Golds who has set the baseball world on fire. With the Golds in the World Series against the legendary New York Patriots, the club is relying on the red-haired, flame-throwing southpaw to anchor their attack in games 1, 4 and – if it goes that far – game 7. But what his teammates and the media don't know is that Pallafox is hiding a secret that will rope him into a big-money World Series fix with more than money on the line. The life of a 3-year-old girl hangs in the balance.

I'll admit that I'm no longer a big baseball fan by any stretch. I spent many days and nights watching and listening to the Phillies of the 1970s and early 80s with my Dad, but when the team of my youth was broken up by trades, free agency and retirement my interest in the game started to wane. That and the fact that the season is interminable, games have gotten longer, players switch teams like they change wives and, oh right, I have a life all contributed to my drifting from the "national pastime".

Though I was intrigued by The 7th Game's late 70s setting, Kowet paints a glum picture of what's going on behind-the-scenes at the ballpark: black and white ballplayers appear to be self-segregated and frequently at each others' throats; casual drug use (black players) and booze (white players) are rampant; when players aren't cheating on their wives with floozies they're using their friendship with stars to lure unsuspecting jail bait to their sleazy townhouses; and, the only real reason to own a team is for it to lose money so you can write it off against your real business ventures.

I'll pause while Abner Doubleday rolls over in his grave.

But I don't mind a picture of professional baseball that's probably fairly accurate for its time (I'll have to dig up a juicy, salacious tell-all from the era). Unfortunately, Kowet's book is laugh-out-loud funny, not only due to its half-baked tv-movie-of-the-week story, but also because of an avalanche of implausible plot points, hysterical descriptions and flimsy attempts at disguising franchises and people:

• Pallafox, a rookie, not only won 30 games during the regular season (30!) but also came out of the bullpen in the fifth game of the National League Championship Series to record the final out;
• Somehow, Pallafox – a rookie sensation who, I'll remind you, won 30 games (!) – has kept it secret that he has a three-year-old daughter from his college days;
• Golds owner Walter Kelly not only has a cozy relationship with the owner of a sleazy Vegas casino but also places a $500,000.00 bet on his team... to lose;
• The Golds' opponents in the Fall Classic are the legendary New York Patriots, a so-thinly-disguised version of the NY Yankees that Kowet doesn't even bother to come up with names besides Ruth, Gehrig and DiMaggio when describing the plaques that line the Patriots' stadium;
• and, a Golds player and his hypno-therapist (both with casino ties!) are brutally killed prior to the seventh game while enough signs point to Pallafox and/or the team's owner fixing the outcome of two games that even numbskull columnists are floating rumors of a fix in their columns!

Were The 7th Game simply implausible and outrageous it might have been a fun read. But, Kowet's style is so dry and bland – more befitting a non-fiction retelling of a post-season than a pulse-pounding thriller – that when the dull prose is occasionally livened with lines like "a groin-tingling spectrum of pulchritude", "As usual, Willie had a coven of svelte sex-witches in tow", or my favorite, "Up the plank-covered steps she went, her high heels rapping, she reflected, like ghost knuckles on a table at an eerie séance" they stick out like sore thumbs.

Naturally, The 7th Game couldn't be written today (especially since Bud Selig would probably send an army of suits to prevent the use of the names "World Series" and "St. Louis Cardinals"). So, from the standpoint of a pre-internet, pre-ESPN, pre-sports-talk-radio, pre-24-hour-news-cycle cultural time capsule it has its moments. (As I read the supposedly tension-packed description of Golds owner Walter Kelly placing a bet on his team to lose with Harry The Sleazy Casino Guy, I pondered just how long it would take that news to break on say, Sports by Brooks or Deadspin. Over or under three-and-a-half hours?) Oh yeah, I also enjoyed the fact that one of the "heroes" of the book is a freelance writer.

But if I really want to relive that era, back when baseball was still tenuously hanging on to its place as the nation's favorite sport, I'll dig out my trove of Phillies yearbooks and Larry Bowa baseball cards or blow the dust off the Strat-O-Matic box that's sitting in my attic.

Snow Days and Filippino Stick Fights

As you might have heard, the Northeast got popped with another snowstorm yesterday, though this was the first one that really affected us here in Baltimore. After dodging a bunch of Mother Nature's best shots over the last couple months we took a quick kick in the shins in the morning and then a rapid-fire series of blows to the solar plexus around evening rush hour.

So with my better half snowed in at work and not in the mood to follow something closely enough to seriously review it I shuffled through my Netflix Instant View queue until I found ARNIS: STICKS OF DEATH aka STICKS OF DEATH.

This 1984 Filippino actioner (which looks like it was made around 1975) stars Roland Dantes as a muscle-bound street hustler named Johnny who learns the ways of arnis from his wizened old grandfather after some slightly better-dressed thugs try to rub him out when he doesn't want to join forces. (Arnis is a form of self-defense employing sticks and is the Philippines' national martial art and sport.)

After the obligatory "training sequence" and a fight with some over-matched poachers (despite their use of machetes and a chainsaw!), Johnny heads home and joins the police force (?), woos a local mobster's daughter, and teams with an Italian INTERPOL agent to capture an American mobster staying at a Holiday Inn. All while training for and winning the big Arnis Invitational.

STICKS OF DEATH has the all-over-the-place plot shenanigans one comes to expect from martial-arts-inspired low-budget action but there's a schizo charm to it that makes the time pass quickly, sorta like a decent Bruceploitation flick.

But don't be misled by the poster shown above which features the tagline "The Ultimate Killing Machine". Yes, there are helicopters, an explosion, handguns and several stick fights, but I have NO IDEA who the guy featured in the center of the poster is nor do I recall Johnny doing a lot of killing. Certainly not enough to be labeled "The Ultimate Killing Machine".

As a bonus, the opening slum basketball sequence – between The Slumboys and Visitors according to the chalkboard scoring system – is up there with the "tennis" scenes from PIECES as some of the most poorly-executed, seemingly-irrelevant "sports" action in exploitation cinema.

Fun and like the trailer (below) says, you have to see it to believe it!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

That's the tune that's being sung here in Baltimore.

No love for John Harbaugh as Coach of the Year (on a team that could have openly revolted given the veteran leadership and the fact that Rex Ryan wasn't named head coach). Joe Flacco gets zero votes as Offensive ROTY (all he does is go 11-5 for a team expected to finish in the cellar after he was expected to be third string behind Troy Smith and, gasp, Kyle Boller).

And, in the most egregious display of media bias against the Ravens, Ed Reed leads the league in INTs, returns two for TDs, plays hurt all year and anchors one of the best D's in (channeling my inner Jaws) The National Football League and he gets 8 votes for Defensive Player of the Year and finishes third?

I pity the fools. My prediction for the Ravens/Titans game? I'll let Clubber Lang weigh in...

Farewell Old Friend

I won't lie to you. Watching Veterans Stadium implode was a bittersweet moment for me. While it was great to see Philly getting stadiums for the Eagles and Phillies, I loved that old stadium, warts, steel, concrete, funky smells and all. Like a little kid said the day Chris and I attended the penultimate Phils game: "This place makes me want to boo."

Thoughts of The Spectrum being leveled bring up completely different memories for me... watching the Sixers and Flyers battle at the top of their division for what seemed like an eternity... going to Phantoms games when the Flyers moved to the bigger arena (and out of my price range)... sharing season tickets to the Wings indoor lacrosse with good friends... getting moved from the back of the floor at a Springsteen show to the fifth row because they'd put the soundboard where out seats were supposed to be... Dr. J's tomahawk dunk over a cowering Laker (I think it was Michael Cooper) that literally shook the building to its core (and broke Doc's wrist if I remember correctly)... and countless Ice Capades and Ringling Bros. shows as a kid.

Though usually said with tongue firmly in cheek, in this instance I really mean it when I say "Good times, good times."

Awe. Some.

As if The Return of Favre story couldn't get any better now comes this bluff call from Packers management. Your move Brett.

Is This Any Way to Decide a Championship?

The Beer Snob and I partake in some good-natured ribbing about sports, namely futball vs football. He loves the former while I love the latter, though recent developments make me wonder just how much I care.

So yesterday I decided to give his sport of sports a try and watch the UEFA Championship, which pitted Chelsea vs. Manchester United. Everybody was making a big deal about how this was the first all English final in some time (maybe ever) but I believe one team is owned by Tampa Bay Bucs owners the Grazers and the other is owned by some Russian dude, so how "all English" can it be?

Admittedly, when I say "watch" what I really mean is that I hooked up our new DVR cable box (the old one stopped pausing and playing recorded programs and live stuff) and had it on while I was running around the house doing other stuff like taking pictures for eBay and the Kinski blog. Naturally, this meant that I missed not one, but both goals that took place during the game's meandering running time. (I still don't understand the way soccer futball is timed, but whatever.)

So here's my question... is a penalty kick contest really the best way to decide a championship? I've read comments on other blogs about how "exciting" this was but it basically comes down to a guessing game between the goalie and kicker. In most cases the kicker is shooting the ball into an open net because the goalie is sucking turf twenty feet away from the ball. How exactly is this deciding which is the better team?

The only equivalents I can think of would be if you decided the Super Bowl with a field goal kicking contest, the NBA Finals with a free-throw shootoff or the World Series with a game of home run derby.

Soccer. Just don't get it.

Go Phightin Phils!

I'm not the baseball fan I once was. Those days died when the Phillies team I grew up with – Mike Schmidt, Steve Carlton, Bob Boone, Greg Luzinski, Garry Maddox, Bake McBride and, most importantly, Larry Bowa – was dismantled after the team won the 1980 World Series.

By the time the Phils reached the Series again in 1983 – where they lost to my current hometown hopefuls, the Baltimore Orioles – the team featured aging ex-Reds in place of my beloved Phils and things were never really the same.

I've casually followed baseball since then, largely due to the influence of my Dad, a lifelong baseball fan and Phillie fanatic. I was born when Dad was nearly 50 so we didn't see eye-to-eye on lots of things. But sports, especially the national pastime, was something we could always bond over. Even when our relationship in other areas was at its nadir.

Times have changed. Dad's gone. And baseball is even further removed from the game I grew up watching, playing and loving. But a new season officially starts today and when 3 PM rolls around I'll grab my daughter, pop on her Phils hat and we'll settle in to watch the Phils battle the Washington Nationals.

It has been nearly 25 years since a major Philadelphia sports team has won a championship. Twenty-five years. Do I think the Phils can reverse that trend, defy the odds, repeat their success of last year and maybe even win a World Series? Not really. But that's the beauty of sports, especially one with a grinding season like baseball. On March 31, the possibilities are endless.

Unless, of course, you're an Orioles fan.

Where Was I 16 Years Ago?

Wow, I can't believe it was that long ago, but 16 years ago tonight I was sitting in the Philadelphia Spectrum right behind the basket where Christian Laettner hit The Shot. And I mean right behind the basket. My brother Dennis scored tickets in about the sixth row on the floor behind the basket and I'm in that sea of people that rises up and goes berserk when he hit the basket to send Kentucky home. I'm no Duke lover but it's still a moment that brings a smile to my face and a chill to my spine each and every time I watch it unfold.

Live Blogging the NCAA Tournament at Bracket Boys

Forget the NFL Playoffs, World Series or any other sporting event. For my money, the opening weekend of the NCAA Men's Hoops Tournament is the best four sporting days of the year. Quickly followed by next weekend's regional wrap-up and the following weekend's Final Four. In other words, I like college hoops.

In fact, my brothers and I like it so much we've got a blog to celebrate the tourney and I'll be live-blogging today's afternoon session of coverage over at Bracket Boys. Hope to see you there!

Divisional Playoff Picks 2007

Last week I went 3-1 and I still can't understand why Tampa didn't start pressuring Manning when he got off the bus, since that's the book on the guy and they had weeks to prepare.

But enough about that, on to this week's games...

Seattle at Green Bay: If anybody knows Brett Favre and how to beat him it's Mike Holmgren of the Seahawks. Unfortunately for him this game is in Lambeau Field and Seattle is a different team on the road (terrible) than they are at home (mediocre). The Lambeau mystique is gone (1-2 in last three home playoff games) but Favre didn't come all this way for one and done in the playoffs. He knows they have a good shot at a home NFC Championship game next week and he'll do everything he can to get them there. Which scares me a little but I also expect every borderline call to go the Packers' way. Somebody needs to check Shaun Alexander's pop-up timer because I'm *pretty sure* he's done and Hasselbeck still doesn't impress me. Green Bay's your winner.

Jags @ New England: An interesting turn of events has taken place this week. Apparently, the Jags are a better team than the Pats. At least that's what every talking head on TV seems to be suggesting, in the hopes they'll look good if the Jags pull a stunning upset. Which they won't. Nobody wants to give credit to the Pats, saying they got six gimmes against the weak AFC East (which is somehow their fault) but they went on the road to beat Indy, Baltimore and Dallas, not to mention a home win against San Diego. In all 6 of their wins were against 2007 playoff teams, most of them in convincingly lopsided fashion including a 52-7 drubbing of a Redskins team that plays a similar style to... you guessed it, the Jags. All week it seems like the Jags were doing all the talking (big surprise) while the Pats party line was how they're 0-0. Were weather going to play a factor in this one I might buy into the idea of the Jags keeping it close with a ground control, smashmouth type of game. Nope. It's gonna be cool and clear with no wind, so expect Brady to hookup alllll night with Moss, Welker and Stallworth. This one might be 38-3 Pats.

San Diego @ Indy: This is another one that looks like a no-brainer to me. San Diego beat Indy earlier in the season by two points thanks to: terrible weather conditions, injuries to key players, a rare missed FG from Adam Vinatieri, and six picks from Peyton Manning. Yet they were still in a position to win the game at the end. This week the rematch is in Indy and the way Norv Turner was acting after last week's win over an over-matched Titans team that still led at halftime you'd have thought they won the Super Bowl. Indy will stop Tomlinson and make Phillip Rivers try and beat them. Won't happen. This game wouldn't surprise me if the final score was 44-10 with Indy scoring on their first six possessions.

Giants @ dallas: I'm still stymied as to why the Bucs didn't bring pressure alllll day on Manning. That's the book on Twitchy McPickoff but somehow the great minds in Tampa overlooked it. On the other side of the ball you have a dinged up TO (but he says he'll play), the Romo Cabo distractions, the Jason Garrett/Wade Phillips distractions, and well, Wade Phillips as your head coach. Of all four games this is the one where I could see the road team coming in and winning. New York's on a bit of a roll and I know everybody wants to anoint them as some great road team (only one of those regular season wins came against a playoff team), plus they're crediting Manning the Younger with some great maturation against a Bucs team I think we all overrated. So do I go with a Giants team that has been hot of late or a dallas team that has been much cooler? I'm going to go out on a limb and take the Giants for a couple reasons: 1) I have to pick a road team to win, it's just unlikely that all the faves are victorious and this and the other NFC game seem the most likely candidates for an upset; 2) I think that how you go into the playoffs has impact. The Giants played hard against the Pats and though they lost got it in their heads they could play with the big fellas. They can't but they think they can. dallas, on the other hand, went in soft, lost 2 of their last 3 (scoring just 32 points in the process) and dealing with off the field drama like injuries and who Romo's banging. The pressure's all on them, especially after a 13-3 regular season, and I think they crumble, setting up a home NFC championship game for Favre (and a giant hard-on for the league office) next weekend.

Belichick Cooks!

Back before he was the evil genius behind the dynastic success of the New England Patriots, Bill Belichick was busy being run out of Cleveland after compiling a 36-44 record and benching beloved local-lad-made-good Bernie Kosar in favor of Vinny Testaverde (who – ready for a reality check? – won the Heisman Trophy 21 years ago).

During his tenure, though, Belichick did what any new head coach had to do in those days in order to increase visibility and show the organization he was trying to be a team player... he appeared on local TV shows to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I'm not sure if the robotic monotone delivery is intended to be schtick or if we're just sensing the coach's seething disdain for this moronic segment.



Thanks to Awful Announcing for the link.

Is It Appropriate...?

Is it appropriate to wear green to a funeral? That's what I'm pondering this AM as I get ready to put on my Jaws throwback and drive down to FedEx Field for today's Eagles/Redskins game. At least the sun's out, temps should be in the high 40s, and we'll be tailgating with some chicken, cold cuts, cool beverages, homemade potato salad, chips and dip.

Each game brings us closer and closer to the end of the McNabb Era (and Reid Era?) in Philly and a loss today could put a final, resounding nail in the coffin of the Eagles' season, dropping them to 3-6 and no wins through four division games. With a second half schedule that includes three "winnable games" (and I use that term loosely) at home against Miami, Seattle and Buffalo and four potential disasters against Dallas, Giants, Saints and (shudder) the Patriots on national TV, I fear the Eagle Faithful is in for a long, unpleasant remainder of the season.

My Phillies Phever Has Broken

I'd forgotten how soul-crushing it can be to see your team thoroughly and completely dominated in a playoff series. I can still remember watching the Eric Lindros-led Flyers get swept in the Stanley Cup Finals by the Detroit Red Wings and thinking, "Well, that was a real letdown."

Since then the Sixers have lost in the NBA Finals (though they did steal a Game 1 victory while I was on a plane, so I didn't even get to enjoy it) and the Eagles lost in the Super Bowl (or if you're to believe the conspiracy-theorists, had it stolen from them by the sign-stealing Pats), not to mention a handful of NFC Championship games.

That's pretty much been it for Philly sports fans and made the recent, swift departure by the Phils from the MLB playoffs so, well, disappointing. How do you fight that hard all season, only to come up so short in the post-season?

Ah well, at least it's good to know the Mets and Yankees are also on vacation and I have three teams to root for in the next two rounds. Please, please, please baseball gods, let it be anybody but Boston. I don't know that I can take a year where the Sox win the World Series (again), the Celtics look to have one of the top teams in the East (and should finish somewhere around 22 games ahead of Philly), and the Pats should end up somewhere around 14-2 on their way to another possible Super Bowl berth.

The one good thing about the baseball playoffs is that they've moved from TBS to FOX. Granted, as somebody from the (grrr) Boston Phoenix pointed out, this does mean we have to put up with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, but at least we won't have to suffer through more of those hideously unfunny FrankTV ads.

Unfortunately, not all the world is as right thinking. Sports Illustrated scribe Peter King might want to sit the next few plays out after writing this in his Week 5 NFL column:

I could watch the Frank Caliendo stuff about a hundred more times. He's funnier today than Belushi was 30 years ago. He's even got George Bush's facial expressions down pat. I mean, they're perfect.

Seriously? Belushi? One of the great comic actors of this or any generation?

He Knows Pre-Season Doesn't Count, Right?

We have now entered a vast sports wasteland as far as I'm concerned. The NBA playoffs and Stanley Cup are done and there are no Olympics this summer. Yes, Wimbledon is upon us but the dominance of Roger Federer makes this feel like another two-week march towards the history books for one of the most dominant players we'll ever see in any sport.

Hell, when I'm actually planning to watch the NBA Draft you know things are slow. (And yes, for the record, I know there's a baseball season in full swing but I can't get really excited about it until the Phillies have created an insurmountable deficit for themselves in August.)

So it was with great delight that I found myself actually reading a story about Jon Kitna and the Detroit Lions yesterday. Seems that Kitna, the God-loving, buzz-cutted QB who lost his starting job to Carson Palmer when he was with the Bengals, looks at the Detroit Lions – who went 3-13 last year – and sees good things. Very good things.

During a recent radio interview, Kitna said that though he remarked in March that he thought the Lions would win 10 games, he's now adjusting that prediction. Not down, like any right-thinking human being, but up.

"I'll keep to myself what I think we actually will win. But it's more than 10 games," Kitna was quoted as saying.

By all accounts Kitna seems like a nice, fairly humble, God-fearing individual. Sorta like Kurt Warner without the breakout season and annoying, spotlight-hogging wife. But I never realized that he was clearly insane.

Yes, the Lions drafted the incredibly gifted Calvin Johnson and Mike Martz's offense could be fun to watch. But 10+ wins? The team's schedule for the upcoming season features the usual divisional matchups with Green Bay, Chicago and Minnesota. Even at my most generous I'm not seeing them go better than 4-2 in the division but I think 2-4 or 3-3 is a more likely scenario.

Even if they match my best case scenario and win 4 games in their division, that means Kitna sees them winning 7 or more games against the following teams: Oakland, Philly, Washington, Tampa (H), Denver, Arizona, Giants (H), Dallas (H), San Diego, Kansas City (H).

In all likelihood you're looking at a sweep at the hands of the NFC East as well as losses to Denver and San Diego (both on the road). Maybe you win at Oakland in Week One (and that's really a toss-up game in my mind at this point), beat Tampa at home, and possibly beat Arizona (though I think the Cardinals will be a playoff contender this year) and the Chiefs (who will be well in to their "late season, just missed the playoffs due to Herm Edwards' cement-headed coaching" funk).

In other words, my best case scenario... one that would land Rod Marinelli a Coach of the Year trophy... has them finishing 8-8 in a highly-competitive division where the Bears are the best team and everybody else is floundering at the same level of mediocrity. But hell, that'd be more than double the number of wins they had last season!

Yes, I know. It's not even July and I'm debating the Detroit Lions season schedule. Great ain't it?

Worst. Conference Finals. Ever.

Now that the Spurs have dispatched the upstart Jazz in impressive fashion (think we can temper those Boozer/Williams-Malone/Stockton comparisons for a bit?) the focus of the NBA Playoffs is now squarely on the Detroit Pistons and their opponent, LeBron James, er, I mean the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The Sports Guy does a good job of deconstructing the series – and tonight's crucial Game 5 – in his blog, and I pretty much agree except for his suggestion that Bron Bron (worst sports nickname ever?) was in fifth gear for "every minute" of Game 4. No he wasn't. He, like the rest of the Cavs, took the third quarter totally off.

As for this Pistons team, I'm surprised by their almost collective no show in this series. Hell, if not for the plays at the end of Games 1 and 2, the Cavs could be going for the win tonight, or already be home figuring out if they should book their vacations to start after Game 4 or Game 5 of the Finals. The fact that the Cavs are realistically playing for a shot to go home up 3-2 is astounding. Detroit's not good enough to coast and try and flip the switch like this.

I guess the biggest question is, if we had a hidden camera in David Stern's house tonight do you think he's wearing a Cavs jersey?

Death of a TV Pioneer

I was disappointed to hear about the death on Wednesday of TV sports pioneer and B-movie jiggle and guns god Andy Sidaris. Best known to trashhounds and ER readers as the genius behind such films as RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH, MALIBU EXPRESS, GUNS and many more, Sidaris was also a pioneering television sports producer and director who won multiple Emmy Awards for his work on the Olympics and other sporting events.

Most notably, Sidaris, who once called himself "the best television director that ever lived", invented what he called "the honey shot" which focused the camera on cheerleaders and hot chicks sitting in the stands at a sporting event.

Who knew one man could be responsible for such disparate parts of my pop culture upbringing?

NFL Playoffs... Divisional Matchups

As much fun as Wild Card Weekend can be in the NFL Playoffs, it's usually a bit of a dud. LAst week, for instance, the home teams won all their games with the wild card teams biting the dust, sometimes in spectacular fashion. I didn't see the Colts/Chiefs game, but from all accounts I didn't miss anything. Then again, what do you expect when Herm Edwards is on the sidelines?

This weekend has the potential to go down as a great one in NFL playoff lore. You have great storylines for ever game including: a great offense facing off against a great defense; the hottest team in the playoffs versus the best story in the league this season; a potential team of destiny against the shakiest #1 seed in recent memory (with the possibility of crappy weather looming); and, the three time champs going against the upstarts from out west.

First up we have the Ravens/Colts game, which here has become the Battle for Baltimore. Could be Ravens by 10 or more, though I think they'l use a steady diet of Lewis and Anderson to pound the ball up the middle and keep Manning on the bench. I predict at least one defensive TD for the Ravens. Ravens win and cover.

Any Eagles win from here on out is gravy for me. They won the division against all odds and got further in the playoffs than Dallas and NY. The loss of Shepard is going to hurt and the Saints have a ton of weapons. If Garcia bounces back from last week's so-so performance and has another 300+ yard, mistake free game they can get the win. Remember, they went in there earlier this year and lost on a last second field goal when the defense allowed an 8:00 drive at the end of the game. The play of the defense is what has really fueled this turnaround but my head still tells me the Saints have too many weapons and win this one. Saints win and cover.

The Bears are notorious playoff chokers and play in one of the worst divisions in a crappy conference. Since their hot start the defense hasn't been all that impressive and if the weather is as bad as they say I see a lot of frayed nerves in Chicago... a low scoring game lets the Seahawks stay in this one. I think the Bears win (but fail to cover) this week but will lose to the winner of the Saints/Birds game in the NFC Championship, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

On paper the Chargers should win handily. But they don't play the game on paper. Only two of San Diego's eight home wins came against teams with winning records. Rivers has never played in a playoff game. Schottenheimer has a horrible postseason record (5-12 I believe) and has a penchant for blowing it with poor play calling and clock management despite having superior talent.

My guess is that Belichick will focus on bottling up Tomlinson and put the game in Rivers' hands. Since losing in Miami in week 14 the Pats have put up more than 35 points per game and their defense was second only to the Ravens (one of two teams to beat the Chargers), giving up less than 17 points the last four games. With The Football Jesus (10-1 postseason, 3 rings) taking the snaps on the other side, I'll take the proven winners any day given that San Diego isn't much of a home field advantage (nice field, great weather).

So my picks are:
STRAIGHT UP: Ravens, Saints, Bears, Pats
AGAINST THE SPREAD: Ravens, Saints, Seahawks, Pats