A BLADE IN THE DARK (1983) directed by Lamberto Bava

“This is all the whiskey you possess?”

Originally conceived as a four-part miniseries for Italian television, Lamberto Bava’s late-to-the-game giallo A BLADE IN THE DARK debuted in Italian theaters in 1983 after being deemed too gory for the masses.

The plot is pretty textbook giallo with composer Bruno (Andrea Occhipinti) hired by Sandra (Any Papa) to score her thrilling new film. He retreats to a secluded villa owned by Tony (Michele Soavi) and it’s not long before he’s hearing mysterious sounds and encountering Katia (Valerie Cavalli), the kooky neighbor who discovered a secret about Linda, the villa’s previous occupant.

Before you can say “Creepy Caretaker”, Katia and other beautiful women start falling prey to a box cutter-wielding killer while Bruno wanders the grounds looking for clues. If you’ve seen pretty much ANY of the genre’s previous entries you’ll piece together the story long before the episodic script gets you there, but Baby Bava’s flick is packed with enough flourishes to make it an entertaining ride. There’s memorable music highlighted by creepy laughter; a price of admission bathroom slaying that is among the most brutal of the genre; red herrings galore; some hysterically poor dubbing; and, a parade of 80s babes. There’s even an appearance by Bob The Annoying Kid from HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY in the movie-within-the-movie.

As a Baby Bava fan my mileage is probably greater than yours when it comes to flicks like A BLADE IN THE DARK and 1987’s DELIRIUM (starring Serena Grandi hubba hubba). But you could definitely do worse. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and Lamberto is his favorite Bava.

A BLADE IN THE DARK is streaming on Amazon Prime and available on DVD and Blu-Ray.

31 Days of Fright Feature 2: Troma Does Giallo with EYES OF THE CHAMELEON

It wouldn't be the final day of 31 Days of Fright without a post from longtime ER contributor and tireless curator of trash, Doug Waltz. Be sure to check out the latest issue of Doug's zine Divine Exploitation at CreateSpace.

EYES OF THE CHAMELEON starts with a psychotic older man screaming at a boy in a pit. We are informed that it is the 70s. The man is so foul that you really feel for the kid even though he never comes in to the pit after the kid.

Flash forward to the present where we meet Sara who has a dead end job in a casino in Vegas. She feels like her life is a waste of time so she spends a lot of time drinking, smoking dope and snorting cocaine.

Then a bizarre, violent encounter with a gypsy palm reader starts sending Sara's world out of control. Casual sex coupled with increasing drug use would be enough to bring anyone down that spiral, but Sara has a kicker to all that.

Someone is slaughtering everyone she knows: from her boyfriend to the corner deli guy. A person, hidden from view, is cutting them all to ribbons. And Sara could be next.

EYES OF THE CHAMELEON gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling when someone gets it right. This flick would fit into the Something Weird catalog without missing a beat. It shows us a grimier side of Vegas and Anne Teal (Sara) takes over the screen whenever she's on it. But, she does it in a clever way. At the beginning of the flick we just see this girl, but as the film goes on she becomes this unstoppable presence.

The fact that this micro-budget flick has some of the hardest softcore sex scenes I have seen in quite sometime is amazing. And when the movie is over it leaves you with a 'What did I just watch?' feeling. I'm still not sure and I might have to go back and check it out with the commentary.

The gore effects are well done. Anne Teal makes this her picture and Vegas looks more down to Earth than ever before. This isn't about what happens on the strip. This is about the people who inhabit the tourist trap and how things can be a little rotten beneath the shiny veneer.

The only extras are a slide show and a commentary by director Ron Atkins which I will definitely be listening to on a second viewing. Troma puts their usual block of fun filled nonsense on the disc and they designed the DVD case to make it look like an old school giallo, which I thought was cool.

EYES OF THE CHAMELEON is one of the sexiest, goriest, kinkiest flicks I've seen in recent years and Ron Atkins is a guy who gets the most out of a tiny budget and a very well done script. – Doug Waltz

Doug Waltz is a longtime contributor to Exploitation Retrospect and contributed a variety of reviews to ER #52 (available from our website).

EYES OF THE CHAMELEON is available from Amazon.

31 DAYS OF FRIGHT: "You Stupid STUPID NURSE!" or A Look at X-RAY and SCHIZOID

Lately I've been taking the opportunity to catch up on some horror flicks that have flown under my radar through the years. Maybe it's something I flat out missed (The Asylum's enjoyable slasher riff HALLOWEEN NIGHT), something I avoided based on rep (the underrated PROPHECY), or a flick that I had a bad vibe about, only to have that gut feeling confirmed (the pointless FRIGHT NIGHT PART II).

And while their recent spate of releases has been causing a lot of wallet-emptying on my part, Scream Factory has also been making it far easier to dip into the past thanks to discs like this X-RAY/SCHIZOID double feature blu-ray.

I can't tell you how many times I picked up the oversized HOSPITAL MASSACRE box (X-RAY's more common VHS title), turned it over in my hands, thought about it... and then moved on to something else. But after watching Boaz Davidson's delightfully goony slasher the other night I have no idea what I was thinking!

A still-in-her-prime Barbi Benton stars as Susan, a buxom divorcee who needs to swing by the hospital and grab the results of her physical for her new insurance coverage. While her dicky ex-husband takes care of their kid and her new beau nods off in the hospital's loading zone, Susan finds herself smack dab in the middle of Freak City Central.

Unable to locate her doctor – who has been dispatched by a crazy killer decked out in full surgical gear – Susan finds herself at the mercy of creepy Dr. Saxon (John Warner Williams) and the worst nursing staff in the history of cinema. Fooled by the faux test results planted by the killer, Saxon and his minions keep Susan confined to the hospital, talk about how her condition is tantamount to a "death warrant" and even subject her to a topless medical exam that eventually crosses the line into uncomfortably creepy.

On the surface X-RAY has all the earmarks of a traditional, potentially forgettable 80s slasher flick: the "19 years ago" opening (featuring two of the killer tykes from BLOODY BIRTHDAY!); holiday-themed decorations throughout the hospital; and a gaggle of suspects (including, but not limited to, the ex-hubby, Dr. Saxon and Harry the internist).

But Davidson – who directed from his own story – elevates the familiar material by populating the hospital with a freaky cast of characters and making this ostensibly safe environment feel anything but secure. Peeping Tom drunks wander the halls, Amazonian nurses keep patients from leaving, leering doctors ask busty patients to strip to their panties, x-rays are swapped (hence this version's title), and Susan gets stuffed in a room with a trio of creepy old ladies who spout venomous lines like "her blood is as malignant as slime". As a fan of Davidson's later work on films like US SEALS II, MANSQUITO, UNDISPUTED II: LAST MAN STANDING and NINJA, it's no wonder I found this to be such an enjoyably daft – if not indispensible – slice of slasher history.

Alas, the disc's second feature doesn't fare quite as well.

I last saw SCHIZOID a few decades ago when we originally published our "Complete (sic) Guide to Klaus Kinski" in ER #26 (Winter 1989). At the time I thought it was a pretty low-grade attempt at an American giallo made oogier by watching Klaus take long looks at a semi-naked Donna Wilkes (who co-stars as his unhinged daughter). Accusations about Kinski's relationship with his actual daughter do nothing to alleviate the creepiness that permeates the proceedings.

Written and directed by David Paulsen, SCHIZOID (aka MURDER BY MAIL) comes off like a poor man's attempt at emulating the shocking thrillers of Dario Argento and early Brian DePalma, yet without any of their skill. Kinski – in what could be viewed as an extension of his psychiatrist character from SLAUGHTER HOTEL – stars as a suave group therapist who dresses sharp, makes smoking look super cool, and is banging a handful of his patients (including a stripper against a water heater... smooth).

When the patients start turning up dead, a couple cops (character actor Richard Herd and a pre-'Murphy Brown' Joe Regalbuto) start focusing their investigation on the person sending cryptic notes to group member Julie (Marianna Hill), a newspaper advice columnist and Kinski's girlfriend.

Is it the sharp-dressed psychiatrist? The group's weirdo boiler repairman (Christopher Lloyd)? Alison (Wilkes), who bitches that her father spends too much time talking to his patients? I won't spoil it, but if you've seen more than a handful of flicks featuring a black-gloved killer stalking a group you'll ID the culprit the minute they turn up on screen.

SCHIZOID is just as tedious as I remembered and Kinski doesn't even elevate the surroundings with any of the loonies that sets apart most of his more enjoyable 80s work. He's pretty sedate and unmemorable here, though it wouldn't be long before he was letting his freak flag fly in flicks like VENOM, ANDROID, CRAWLSPACE, TIMESTALKERS, NOSFERATU IN VENICE, CREATURE and CODE NAME: WILDGEESE. To be frank, any of those would be a better use of your time than SCHIZOID.

Released in a DVD/Blu-Ray combo pack, I believe Scream Factory's X-RAY/SCHIZOID Double Feature marks the first time since VHS that either of these flicks have been available. In addition to the widescreen presentation of both titles, bonus features include interviews with SCHZOID star Donna Wilkes and X-RAY helmer Boaz Davidson.

Not as "must have" as some of Scream/Shout Factory's other releases but worth picking up for X-RAY alone. – Dan Taylor

X-RAY/SCHIZOID is available from Amazon.

Eurotrash Weekend Viewing: ALIEN CONTAMINATION and CAT O' NINE TAILS

Busy weekend of painting the kitchen here at Casa Taylor, but I did manage to squeeze in a couple Eurotrash views.

While trawling through the Amazon Prime streaming listings on Friday night I discovered Luigi Cozzi's ALIEN CONTAMINATION, a favorite from the 80s rental store era. I still have fond memories of sitting on my buddy Lou's living room floor, stashing empty beer cans under the sofa as we heard his dad come in from a night on the town. Rather than head to bed he proceeded to drop into a chair and relentlessly bust our balls about how a bunch people sit in a room in Italy coming up with movies these two goofballs in New Jersey will rent.

Even though it was the cut US version distributed by Cannon, it's still a funky and fun explodey sci-fi/horror/action hybrid. No matter how many times I see it that exploding lab rat always gets me and when it veers into the mind-control cyclops territory, well, I'm all in. Would make fun double bill with LIFEFORCE.

After watching the first half hour of CAT O' NINE TAILS on Saturday night I was able to polish it off on Sunday evening, and as ER contributor John Grace opined at the ER Facebook page it is "creaky and dull". It starts off nicely enough with Karl Malden as the blind puzzle lover overhearing bits of blackmail talk and other audio clues, but then it turns into the James Franciscus show with him running around as a hot shot reporter trying to solve the rash of mysterious murders and what they have to do with the break-in at the genetic research facility.

Malden's character disappears for long stretches and the audio-centric REAR WINDOW riff concept sorta gets tossed out the, er, window. Long and drawn out, the flick has a few fun moments and Argento stages several strangulation murders as brutal affairs, but the whole thing left me feeling very "who cares?".

I've come to the conclusion that I enjoy the period of Argento flicks from SUSPIRIA through OPERA but everything before or after that era sorta leaves me cold. I still have to work my way through some 90s and early 00s titles like SLEEPLESS, TRAUMA and STENDAHL SYNDROME (not to mention, shudder, DRACULA) though I'm not even sure why I'm doing it at this point!

What did you watch this weekend?

Complete (I Think) 2012 Viewing List and Faves

Despite inexplicably not having a few months worth of viewing lists, I think this is a pretty complete snapshot of what I watched in 2012. As always, I don't see enough new stuff in theaters (or even on video) to put together a "Best Of" list for that calendar year so I'll just stick with a list of Ten Favorite New Views as well as some Honorable Mentions (also new views). Big shout-outs, though, to getting to see both HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH and Stuart Gordon's FROM BEYOND on the big screen this year. Those flicks have long topped my theatrical bucket list (along with NIGHT OF THE CREEPS), so even though I'd seen them a ton of times on video it was great to see 35mm prints of both the way they were meant to be seen.

Top 10 Favorite New Views

BLOOD & BONE

THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS: PART 1

DRIVE

THE EXPENDABLES 2

FDR: AMERICAN BADASS

GOON

THE MAN FROM HONG KONG

THE RAID: REDEMPTION

[REC]3

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Honorable Mentions

CAT RUN

COLD WAR ON ICE

THE COLLECTOR

THE EVIL CLERGYMAN

JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK

MAXIMUM CONVICTION

MURDER OBSESSION

NINJA

PIRANHA 3DD

SLAUGHTER HIGH

New Viewings

1. THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN
2. AGAINST THE DARK
3. THE AGGRESSION SCALE
4. AIRBORNE
5. ALIEN OPPONENT
6. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN
7. ARACHNOQUAKE
8. THE AVENGERS
9. BARE KNUCKLES
10. BARREL FULL OF DOLLARS
11. THE BARRENS
12. BASKET CASE 3: THE PROGENY
13. BIG ALLIGATOR RIVER
14. BLOOD & BONE
15. BODY PUZZLE
16. BRAIN DEAD (2011)
17. BRAVE
18. THE BURNING MOON
19. THE CABIN IN THE WOODS
20. CASABLANCA EXPRESS
21. CAT RUN
22. CELLULOID BLOODBATH
23. COLD WAR ON ICE
24. THE COLLECTOR
25. COMIN' AT YA! 3-D
26. CROSS MISSION
27. THE CUTTER
28. DARK HOUSE
29. THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS: PART 1
30. THE DARK KNIGHT RISES
31. DEAD SEASON
32. DEADLIER THAN THE MALE
33. DEATH WEEKEND
34. DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS
35. DRACULA: SOVEREIGN OF THE DAMNED
36. DRAGON EYES
37. DRIVE
38. ELF-MAN
39. THE EVIL CLERGYMAN
40. EXPENDABLES 2
41. FDR: AMERICAN BADASS
42. FEAR IS THE KEY
43. FINAL DESTINATION 5
44. FRANKENFISH
45. FRIGHTMARE (1974)
46. GOON
47. HALLOWEEN 2 (ROB ZOMBIE)
48. HOSTEL II
49. HOSTEL III
50. HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA
51. HUMONGOUS
52. I AM BRUCE LEE
53. IF YOU MEET SARTANA, PRAY FOR YOUR DEATH
54. JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK
55. JUSTICE LEAGUE: DOOM
56. KILL SQUAD
57. LARGO WINCH: HEIR APPARENT
58. LET THE BULLETS FLY
59. LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD AND THE MONSTERS
60. THE LORAX
61. THE LOST BLADESMAN
62. MADAGASCAR 3
63. MADHOUSE
64. THE MAN FROM HONG KONG
65. MANBORG
66. MAXIMUM CONVICTION
67. MITCHELL
68. MONEYBALL
69. MOUNTAIN OF THE CANNIBAL GOD
70. MURDER OBSESSION
71. MYSTERY TEAM
72. NEW YEAR'S EVIL
73. THE NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE
74. NINJA 
75. THE NO MERCY MAN
76. OUR IDIOT BROTHER
77. OUT OF REACH
78. PIGHUNT
79. PIRANHA 3DD
80. PIRANHACONDA
81. THE RAID: REDEMPTION
82. RAMPART
83. RANGO
84. THE RAVEN
85. [REC]
86. [REC]2
87. [REC]3
88. RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION
89. RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
90. SANTO IN THE TREASURE OF DRACULA
91. SCOOBY-DOO AND THE LEGEND OF THE PHANTOSAUR
92. SCORPION WITH TWO TAILS
93. SCREAMERS
94. SENNA
95. SHANGHAI KNIGHTS
96. SHARK NIGHT
97. SHERLOCK HOLMES 2: GAME OF SHADOWS
98. SILENT NIGHT
99. SLAUGHTER HIGH
100. SNOW SHARK
101. SON OF BLOB
102. STEEL & LACE
103. THEATRE BIZARRE
104. TITANIC II
105. TODAY YOU DIE
106. TORSO
107. TRANSIT 
108. TWILIGHT
109. THE UNITED
110. UNKNOWN
111. US SEALS 2
112. VAMPIRES NIGHT ORGY
113. A VERY HAROLD & KUMAR CHRISTMAS
114. WIPEOUT!
115. WOLVESBAYNE
116. WU XIA
117. YOUNG ADULT

Rewatches

1. ALL THE COLORS OF THE DARK
2. CHUD
3. DR BUTCHER, MD
4. DRILLER KILLER
5. THE ENFORCER
6. THE EXTERMINATOR
7. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 3-D
8. FROM BEYOND
9. THE GATE
10. HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH
11. HANDS OF STEEL
12. THE HIDDEN
13. HUMANOIDS FROM THE DEEP
14. ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS
15. THE INCREDIBLE MELTING MAN
16. KINSKI/PAGANINI
17. LIFEFORCE
18. NIGHT OF 1000 CATS
19. NIGHT OF THE CREEPS
20. PRAY FOR DEATH
21. PSYCHO KICKBOXER
22. Q
23. ROCK 'N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL
24. SHANGHAI NOON
25. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT
26. STAR WARS
27. SUSPIRIA
28. TRANCERS
29. VICE SQUAD
30. XTRO

Four Kinski Flicks Crack Top 20 Spags at Hollywood.com

I'm curiously uninspired about Quentin Tarantino's new flick, DJANGO UNCHAINED.

There was a time when you couldn't keep me from the theater when a new QT opened, but I've yet to see INGLORIOUS BASTARDS (or however he spells it) and despite largely positive feedback from folks I trust, I'm pretty sure I can wait till DJANGO hits Redbox before I even consider it.

But at least when Tarantino apes a genre it ends up generating articles like 'The Top 20 Spaghetti Westerns' which I read this morning.

Any longtime ER reader knows that Spags aren't really my thing. I find them overly long, cliched, dull and repetitive, but as a Klaus Kinski Kompletist I've had to watch more than my fair share.

That said, I was glad to see four Kinski flicks make the list (FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE, the underrated THE RUTHLESS FOUR, the overrated A BULLET FOR THE GENERAL and Sergio Corbucci's brilliant THE GREAT SILENCE, which clocks in at a well-deserved #2).

Frankly, I feel like the list is complete without at least one Sartana flick (even if I have yet to see one that's all that spectacular) and I'd have thrown the unique 3-D Spaghetti Western COMIN' AT YA! on there, especially after seeing the restored version earlier this year at ActionFest. I bet ER contributor John Grace would argue that some Tony Anthony flicks belong on there and for my money the overlooked Spaghetti giallo THE PRICE OF DEATH also belongs on any such list, as does the gory CUTTHROATS NINE.

But hey, at least they didn't include KEOMA.

What Spaghetti Westerns do you think got snubbed? Answer in the comments section below.

Scream Factory to Go SCHIZOID in 2013!

If you haven't noticed, the folks at Scream Factory have been knocking it out of the park lately, thanks to releases like HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH, the upcoming THEY LIVE Special Edition and recently announced titles like THE ISLAND, THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN and PHANTASM 2. 

And today comes the news that they'll be releasing three Cannon titles on DVD (possibly Blu-Ray depending upon the elements) next year, including 1980's SCHIZOID (aka MURDER BY MAIL) starring Klaus Kinski as a suave psychiatrist.

Here's the lowdown from their Facebook page...

** EXCLUSIVE SPECIAL "Halloween Weekend" ANNOUNCEMENT**  

Cannon films X-RAY (1981 - aka: HOSPITAL MASSACRE with Barbi Benton), SCHIZOID (1980 - starring Klaus Kinski) and THE GODSEND (1980 - starring Donald Pleasence's daughter, Angela) are on tap for a release late in 2013! All three have never been out on DVD before.  

As mentioned yesterday, these films will not show up on our schedule until later in 2013 so we cannot confirm they will be on Blu-ray as we have not seen the masters yet. We say this only to manage expectations. More details on these fun flicks will be presented next year.  

Have a great "Trick or Treat" filled weekend!

I haven't watched the flick in years so I'll be anxious to see how it fares. Here's my review of SCHIZOID from the special Kinski issue of ER.

31 DAYS OF FRIGHT: Riccardo Freda's Got a MURDER OBSESSION

A version of this review originally appeared in Weng's Chop #0, now available from Amazon.

In recent years I've been pleasantly surprised to discover that despite what my once-cynical self believed, I have definitely not "seen it all". Not only am I constantly getting turned on to new flicks, genres and stars, but an entire spate of 80s trash cinema that somehow flew under my radar for decades has made its way to my DVD player.

To wit, flicks like FACELESS (1987), DELIRIUM (1987) and BLOODY MOON (1981) have all become favorites that would have blown my mind had I seen them at the time they originally snuck onto these shores. Thanks to Raro Video you can add MURDER OBSESSION, Riccardo Freda's mind-boggling genre mash-up to that list.

Unleashed on an unsuspecting public in 1981, MURDER OBSESSION (aka Follia Omicida) stars Stefano Patrizi as Michael, a film actor who harbors a dark secret involving the death of his father, a famous maestro frequently referred to as "The Maestro". After finishing his latest film – and nearly killing co-star Beryl (Laura Gemser) while in a homicidal trance – Michael and galpal Deborah (Silvia Dionision) retreat to his family estate for some rest and relaxation. After an uncomfortable night spent with Michael's supposedly-ill mother Glenda (Anita Strindberg) and Oliver The Creepy Butler (John Richardson), they're joined by director and shutterbug Hans (Henri Garcin), his assistant Shirley (Martine Brochard) and Beryl, the near-strangling victim from the opening.

Any expectations that Freda has simply set the stage for a paint-by-numbers giallo entry are quickly dispatched as the flick zigs and zags between murder mystery, haunted house flick, lingering incest and nightmare fantasy highlighted by Deborah's recounting of an over-the-top bared-titty dream sequence that is easily worth the price of admission. Played excruciatingly straight, MURDER OBSESSION will have you watching with slack-jawed amazement right up to its blasphemous ending.

The only other Freda work I'd previously seen was his late 60s thriller DOUBLE FACE starring Klaus Kinski and Margaret Lee. I recall being duly unimpressed by that flick when I saw it twenty years ago, but MURDER OBSESSION has me itching to break out my copy of LIZ ET HELEN, the film's longer and supposedly sexier cut. Sadly, MURDER OBSESSION would turn out to be the director's swan song, as it was for the still hot Strindberg who would supposedly settle down with an American millionaire and leave the film world behind.

The Raro Video standard DVD release features a sharp-looking transfer with occasionally muddled audio that one hopes has been corrected on the flick's Blu-Ray release. Two Italian-language scenes with English subtitles have been inserted back into the flick, though only one really adds anything to the story. Other extras include a full-color booklet and an interview with director Sergio Stivaletti who assisted with the flick's oft-crude special effects.

Though the end drags out a bit longer than necessary, MURDER OBSESSION is a top-notch example of everything that makes off-the-wall Eurotrash – or unique cinema of any heritage – such a worthwhile and rewarding treat. Pair it with John Philip Law's crazoid BLOOD DELIRIUM for an 80s double bill that will leave you babbling for days.

MURDER OBSESSION is available from Amazon.

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September 2012 Mixed Bag of Viewings

Before we jump feet first into Halloween horrors, here's a little bit of September bookkeeping to take care of. I felt like I watched more last month than I actually did, though that's probably due to stretching a couple of these flicks over multiple days (something I'm usually loathe to do). Anyway, it's a pretty mixed bag of action, horror, action-horror and Eurotrash.

PRAY FOR DEATH (1985)

Sho Kosugi actioner with the martial arts legend playing a peaceful immigrant who just wants to run his family restaurant but gets sucked into a war with some local mobsters. Schizophrenically shifts gears between ass-kickery and juvenile comedy courtesy of the Kosugi kids who play, er, Kosugi's kids. Best known for that scene where Kosugi leaps over an oncoming car.

THE COLLECTOR (2009)

Torture trap horror isn't usually my cup of tea but I dug this heist-flick/horror mash-up from the guys behind the FEAST flicks, PIRANHA 3DD and a bunch of SAW entries. A shady handyman/thief discovers that the house he's broken into is rigged with booby traps and inhabited by a masked killer named The Collector.

GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK (1978)

My Chuck Norris Edumacation kicks off (get it?!) with this leisurely-paced actioner starring Chuck as a 'Nam vet turned professor/race car driver (?) who discovers that the remaining members of his elite military squad are being hunted down by an unknown killer. Highlighted by Chuck (or, probably his brother Aaron) jumping through the windshield of a speeding car.

CASABLANCA EXPRESS (1989)

It's Martino Time! Jason Connery and Francesco Quinn star as WWII operatives assigned to protect Winston Churchill from the Nazis as he makes his way from Algiers to Casablanca in 1942. The Indiana Jones-inspired action-adventure flick is light but entertaining with occasional flashes of Martino's trashier roots.

THE NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE (1971)

I'd been hoping to see this for some time but was pretty disappointed it was much more of a run-of-the-mill giallo than supernatural Eurotrash. Alan is a crazy aristocrat haunted by the death of his redheaded wife Evelyn. He stops his hooker/stripper-killing ways and marries after a quick fling, only to find that the hauntings and ghastly goings-on are increasing. Convoluted and over-plotted but highlighted by some fabulous 70s Eurobabes.

WOLVESBAYNE (2009)

Puffy Jeremy London stars in what feels like a pilot for a SyFy channel tv series. When a douchey land developer is bit by a werewolf, he's enlisted by a descendent of Van Helsing to help stop a re-animated vampire queen from enslaving the world. Yancy Butler hams it up - and saves the flick from itself - as the queen and Mark Dascascos wears dialogue-obscuring prosthetics as a kung fu vampire.

DEVIL (2010)

With a story by producer M. Night Shyamalan you get pretty much what you expect from this mercifully-short, set-in-Philly horror flick. A group of strangers trapped on an elevator get picked off one by one by the Devil while a cop tries to figure out what's happening. Predictable but not horrible time-waster plays like a film school version of NIGHT GALLERY.

April 2012 Viewing: Revenge, Trash and... Hockey?

I've been working on my April 2012 viewing recap for more than two weeks, which should tell you a couple things. One, I saw a buttload of movies last month and, two, life has been busy! As you'll see from the write-ups below the majority of the flicks I saw came thanks to two film festivals: ActionFest (which took place early in the month down in North Carolina) and the 12-hour Exhumed Films exFest 2 in Philly at the end of the month. This is probably as many flicks as I'll see in one month at any point this year and only three were rematches. Read on...

RAMPART
Not an official ActionFest selection but as has become tradition we ended up taking in a movie on Thursday night after the post-travel dinner at Tupelo Honey Café. Luckily, the Sofa Theater was deserted for this 10:10 PM showing, leaving us free to cackle at every putdown, berating and un-PC action delivered by Woody Harrelson's dirty cop character. I'm still not sure if James Ellroy intended for us to think he was the hero of the flick or not. (Theatrical)

LET THE BULLETS FLY
Entertaining but far far far too long action comedy about a criminal who assumes governorship of a small province, much to the dismay of the local crime lord (Chow Yun Fat). Jiang Wen steals the show as the bandit-turned-politico and the escalating war of wits between the two stars is fun to watch but eventually turns exhausting. (ActionFest)

GOON
Not sure how this sports flick/romantic comedy fit into the "film festival with a body count" mantra but I'm glad it did because GOON was the undisputed cinematic highlight of the weekend. Seann William Scott stars as a lovable, if dense, bouncer who attracts the eye of a minor league hockey team in need of an enforcer to protect a gifted player in danger of flaming out. The flick has all the sports-rom-com tropes but is also so fiercely profane and hilarious you'll have to see it twice to catch all the jokes you missed while you were laughing. (ActionFest)

COMIN' AT YA! 3-D
I remember when this flick premiered in the 80s and being barraged with tv ads that made it look like a goofy western spoof of sorts. While the flick is packed with gratuitous 3-D gags from start to finish, the tale is actually more of a straightforward spaghetti western than you might expect. Tony Anthony stars as a gunslinger whose fiancé was stolen from him at the altar and he spends the next 90 minutes tracking her down. In 3-D. Rejiggered with RealD 3-D technology for a flick that's fun and looks fantastic! (ActionFest)

TRANSIT
One of two flicks screened courtesy of the After Dark Action series and the only really serious dud of the festival. Jim Cavizel stars as a recently-released con/dad out with the family on a trip he hopes will make things the way they were. When a gang of incompetent, bickering thieves stash a satchel of cash on the family's SUV the stage should be set for a tense thriller pitting the two fracturing groups against one another. Unfortunately, TRANSIT sinks down into a swamp of suckdom as the action becomes repetitious and predictable while the acting becomes more atrocious and histrionic. And, no, Diora Baird does not take off her top. (ActionFest)

MANBORG
More than one festival organizer type hyped this spoof as "this year's HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN". Luckily, that wasn't the case as this spoof of Empire-esque 80s action/sci-fi is genuinely funny and has a real affinity for the source material. Unfortunately, the joke wears a little thin after awhile and it would have felt more like genuine 80s-ploitation with less green screen, but I'm curious to see what the folks at Astron-6 do with an actual budget. Plus, we got to see the amazing LAZER GHOSTS 2: RETURN TO LASER COVE short. (ActionFest)

THE RAID
A pre-dawn raid on an impregnable safe house goes horribly awry when the criminal inhabitants are turned loose on the invading cops. Guns, knives, refrigerators, fists, feet, light bulbs and more are turned into lethal weapons as a young cop fights for survival while seeking answers. I can't wait to see what's next from director Gareth Evans (and I'll be sure to avoid an upcoming Evans-free US remake that will probably both suck and blow). (ActionFest)

THE LOST BLADESMAN
One of two Donnie Yen flicks playing the fest (along with WU XIA), this retells the Romance of the Three Kingdoms tale, with Yen starring as Guan Yu, whose exploits were critical to the collapse of the Han dynasty. If that's your thing you'll probably dig this but these period swordplay epics always leave me cold and BLADESMAN is no exception. Aside from a fight in an alley I can barely remember a single highlight, though Jiang Wen again steals the show as a rival general Guan Yu isn't sure he can trust. (ActionFest)

THE AGGRESSION SCALE
A crime boss looking to beat a murder rap sends a gang of thugs out to retrieve a half-million in stolen cash. The killers – led by former TWIN PEAKS bad boy Dana Ashbrook – make their way down the list of potential thieves, finally zeroing in on a newly-relocated family complete with psychotic adolescent, grumpy jailbait step-sister and parents who may have stolen the mobster's cash. Unlike TRANSIT, AGGRESSION SCALE is at least in on the joke and has the sense to showcase the low-budget charm and high-concept plot (frequently described as "HOME ALONE with a psychotic kid"). I wish they'd taken the concept a bit further than they do but if you keep your expectations low this one is worth a watch. (ActionFest)

DRAGON EYES
MMA fighter and rising action star Cung Le teams up with director John Hyams (who did the kick-ass UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: REGENERATIONS) for this low-budget, inner city neo-western. Le stars as the strong, but silent, ex-con who rides into town in a vintage car, determined to clean up the streets ruled by rival gangs and a hammy crime boss played by a scene-stealing (and chomping) Peter Weller. Jean Claude Van Damme turns up in a small role as Le's wizened prison sensei in this After Dark Action installment. (I think I would have preferred EL GRINGO with Scott Adkins or STASH HOUSE starring Dolph Lundgren, but whatever.) Entertaining but predictable, DRAGON EYES is devoid of any of the flourishes that made Hyams' UNIVERSAL SOLDIER reboot such a blast and aside from Weller it's largely unmemorable. (ActionFest)

WU XIA
More Donnie Yen! This time out we get another period piece, but it's a surprisingly entertaining martial arts/crime thriller hybrid that's desperately in need of a better title. Yen stars as a married paper maker who kills two thugs attempting to shake down an elderly shop keeper. Though the townsfolk champion their humble hero the investigating detective isn't so sure. When the detective's recreations of the crime scene reveal truths about the event (and Yen's character), he and his suspect must face truths that were probably best kept hidden. MAN FROM HONG KONG star Jimmy Wang Yu co-stars as the ruthless leader of a gang of bloodthirsty criminals. A well-done blend of martial arts action crossed with CSI thrills. (ActionFest)

BARE KNUCKLES
TV guest star vet Robert Viharo stars as Kane, a tough-as-nails bounty hunter in this gritty, low-budget actioner from ILSA director Don Edmonds. A masked serial killer is stalking the streets and between working out, smoking and bedding a lovely socialite, Kane tracks him down with help from BLACK SHAMPOO's John Daniels as a rival bounty hunter named Black. Rough, tumble and unapologetically 70s, BARE KNUCKLES is like a violent tv pilot or men's adventure novel adaptation. (Netflix Streaming)

THE CUTTER
Fun actioner with Chuck Norris as an ex-cop-turned-PI, Bernie "Sigfried" Koppel as an Auschwitz survivor/master jeweler and Joanna Pacula as Koppel's niece/biz partner. When an excavation in the Sinai desert yields legendary stones of Biblical origin, they end up (naturally) in Spokane, Washington where Dirk (Daniel Bernhardt) kidnaps Koppel and forces him to cut the stones. When Shep Shepherd (Norris) saves Elizabeth (Pacula) from a diamond heist he ends up helping find her uncle. Director William Tannen (FLASHPOINT, THE HERO AND THE TERROR) keeps the flick moving and the action snappy. Unlike Steven Seagal's recent flicks, Norris knows his limitations and doesn't make his character some sort of indestructible superman who can't be hurt by the younger, flashier Dirk. (Netflix Streaming)

BODY PUZZLE
A bizarro late-in-the-game giallo from Lamberto (DEMONS, DELIRIUM) Bava starring Tomas Arana and Joanna Pacula. After Tracey's husband's corpse is stolen from the local cemetery a vicious killer begins hacking up victims and leaving body parts for her. Arana is great as the increasingly-frustrated cop who is desperate to unravel the mystery and track down the killer - when he isn't bedding the hassled but hot widow. Unfortunately, Bava plays the first half of the movie predictably straight and only allows it to really run off the rails in the latter stages. Had the whole flick hewed closer to the crazy bits I might hold it in higher regard, but it was still fun to see genre vets Gianni Garko, Erika Blanc and John Morghen in supporting roles. (Raro DVD)

MURDER OBSESSION
Every filmmaker should aspire to put a period on their cinematic legacy like Riccardo Freda did with MURDER OBSESSION. This loony genre hodge-podge stars Stefano Patrizi as Michael, an actor with homicidal tendencies who takes his girlfriend to the family estate for a little r&r with his cougary mom (Anita Strindberg in her final flick) and Oliver The Creepy Butler. When pals from his latest project arrive (including Laura Gemser), a mysterious killer starts picking them off. Though it might sound like a textbook giallo, MURDER OBSESSION is anything but, packing its running time with hallucinogenic dream sequences, giant spiders, black magic, blasphemy and more all mixed into a kooky Eurotrash stew. (Raro DVD)

THE EXTERMINATOR
Seriously? Do I need to say anything about this? If you're reading this blog and haven't seen this textbook slice of 80s Ameritrash action sleaze I simply don't know what to tell you. The recent Synapse Blu-Ray release is a must have for any self-respecting trashhound. (Synapse Blu-Ray)

THE NO MERCY MAN
Early 70s Nam-ploitation complete with a mentally-scarred super soldier who returns to the family ranch only to discover that filthy carnys have been making trouble. Our twitchy hero can only take so much and the whole flick consists of a series of escalating events leading up to the inevitable confrontation between the carnys and their thug allies (led by Sid Haig as "Pillbox") versus the soldier and his crew. A somewhat hysterical treatment of post-battlefield trauma in which the grizzled WWII hero dad can't understand why his killing machine offspring won't kill! (exFest)

FEAR IS THE KEY
I've always had trouble buying Barry Newman as a tough guy (he always came off as too Bert Convey Meets Steve McQueen Lite for my taste) but he makes for a watchable cut-rate Bond in this early 70s Alistair MacLean adaptation. Newman stars as Talbot, a deep sea salvage expert who is hired by an oil magnate to retrieve an underwater exploration vehicle needed for a secret mission. It gets a bit convoluted and there's plenty of head-scratching plot machinations, but it's largely worth it for the opening half-hour featuring a crash-filled car chase through Louisiana. The always slimy John Vernon and a pre-GHANDI Ben Kingsley are on hand as villains in need of their comeuppance and Roy Budd's score evokes many a 007 outing. (exFest)

THE MAN FROM HONG KONG
I'd been jonesing to see this one since we caught the trailer at the 2011 installment of ActionFest and it does not fail to deliver. Jimmy Wang Yu stars as a Hong Kong police inspector sent to Australia to extradite a drug runner (Sammo Hung). While there he hooks up with a pair of goofy but affable Aussie cops (including Hugh Keays-Byrne, MAD MAX's "Toecutter"), beds a couple chicks, beats the shit out of half the population, and battles drug-dealing-gun-smuggler Jack Wilton (played with moustachioed awesomeness by one-time 007 George Lazenby). Fast, funny and violent, MAN features a buttload of stunts, crashes and fights, including a firewalking Lazenby and Yu trashing a penthouse fortress. If possible, I actually love Lazenby and ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE more after seeing this flick. (exFest)

DEATH WEEKEND
This oddball Canuxploitationer stars Brenda Vaccaro as a fashion model on a weekend date at the remote country estate of creepy oral surgeon Dr. Black (Chuck Schamata). When she uses the doc's bitchin' Stingray to race Don Stroud and his muscle carload of creeps off the road it turns out to be a deadly mistake. The payback-seeking cretins descend on the estate forcing the pair to fight for their lives. I dug the sleazy vibe of this one, but your mileage may vary with your fondness for the charismatically creepy Stroud. The filmmakers (including producer Ivan Reitman) blow some chances to take the flick in interesting directions that could have pushed it into DEADLY GAMES territory. (exFest)

WIPEOUT!
Henry Silva stars as a stone-faced mob killer in this violent thriller better known as THE BOSS. When a theatre filled with mob dons gets torched by Lanzetta (Silva), surviving mobsters seek revenge by kidnapping the daughter of Lanzetta's boss, Don D'Aniello. Much killing and incineration follows as Lanzetta makes his way up the food chain thanks to orders and advice from top dog Don Carrasco (Richard Conte). Silva is fascinatingly expressionless as the cold-blooded hitman who rescues the kidnapped daughter, only to discover she enjoyed her captivity and is now a wanton nympho. Gianni Garko shamefully overacts as a corrupt cop. (exFest)

VICE SQUAD
The lone exFest entry from the 80s and it was a blast to see Wings Hauser in all his pimp-stick-wielding villainy on the big screen (courtesy of a great-looking print). When drug-addled hooker Ginger (a pre-MTV Nina Blackwood) turns up dead at the hands of her Western-obsessed pimp Ramrod (Hauser in his first starring role), vice cop Walsh (Gary Swanson) recruits outlaw hooker Princess (Season Hubley) to help snare him. Gary Sherman's 1982 sleaze epic is packed with action, boobs, grime, neon, colorful characters and Hauser's terrifyingly evil turn as a vicious pimp. (exFest)

ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS
Of all the ILSA flicks, the original is probably the one I was least itching to see again. Dyanne Thorne stars as the titular character, an insatiable commandant conducting horrific experiments on the camp's prisoners of war. When an American prisoner finally satisfies her wicked lust, he uses his ways in the sack to set in motion a plan to end her reign of evil. Though it has been twenty-plus years since I last watched SHE WOLF, even I realized that the print had been trimmed of a decent amount of sex and gore, a fact quickly confirmed by pals like Bruce Holecheck of Cinema Arcana. Still, Thorne's primary talents are frequently on display and I can't help but chuckle at the use of the HOGAN'S HEROES set. (exFest)

LARGO WINCH: HEIR APPARENT
I missed this one at ActionFest 2011 so I was thrilled to stumble upon it at Redbox one afternoon. Based on a series of French novels/comics, the film relates the origin of Largo, a baby who is plucked from an orphanage and raised in secret as the heir to the fortune of billionaire businessman Nairo Winch. When his adoptive father dies in what appears to be an accident, Largo finds himself thrust into the role as head of the corporation. He soon discovers that the death was no accident and he may be offed before he ever has a chance to claim his rightful spot in the boardroom. If you dig globe-trotting adventure sprinkled with a bit of corporate intrigue you'll dig this. (Music Box Films)

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REVIEW: BODY PUZZLE (1992)

Tim Lucas' ALL THE COLORS OF THE DARK was the rage among genre fans a couple years ago, and for good reason. The doorstop-sized tome on Mario Bava was a long-in-the-making, exhaustive look at the Italian icon's legendary career. Frankly, though, I've got my fingers crossed for someone to tackle the career of Baby Bava so I can get detailed analysis of flicks like DEMONS and DELIRIUM. In the meantime, sit back while guest reviewer David Zuzelo of Tomb It May Concern/Tough to Kill fame tackles the recent Raro release of the oddball latter-day giallo BODY PUZZLE.

"It's not a finger..."

Lamberto Bava, in my opinion, is one of the truest mainstays of the European Trash Cinema pantheon.  While it is an easy argument to say that he is no Dario Argento, Lucio Fulci or his father Mario for that matter, very few of them had to work in an environment like Lamberto has found.  Bouncing from big screen to small, he has propped up and created the genre films of Italy right up until his recent run of tele-terrors that include VISIONS OF MURDER and more.  Yes, in 2012 Lamberto is still creating Italian horror and suspense films.

Frankly, there weren't a lot of Giallo films being produced even in 1992, and that made BODY PUZZLE an even bigger score upon its initial release as MISTERIA in Italy. To a US fan like myself it was an eagerly sought after title. Now that it has had THREE separate US releases I'm glad to see a really nice version available for posterity. Is it worthy of being a 70s giallo? No. The times and market demands were different, but BODY PUZZLE takes a nicely wacked-out premise and brings it to the screen in Eurotrash Thriller fashion.  And to be honest, this movie pummels the crap out of much of Dario Argento's work post Nonhosonno.  Seriously.

A mysterious accident gets the ball rolling as the death of Abe Grant puts a bunch of killings in motion.  His wife Tracy, played by Joanna Pacula, lives in a cool house (with a pool INSIDE!) and starts to get body parts dropped inside her house, past her security system.  The killer knows her and definitely has a gore dipped message to send...in PIECES!  Enter the dashing dick, played by Tomas Arana of THE CHURCH - he wants to solve the mystery and get into bed with the now freed up Mrs. Grant.  But is she really free?  The duo unwrap the mystery as several victims get dispatched in odd ways.  An underwater murder sequence features a "balls as a buoy for a dong drop" moment that is a favorite, but one set piece in BODY PUZZLE is my favorite.  As the motivations become clear a teacher in a school for blind children is placed in danger, and hacked up in front of her unseeing pupils.  I'm not sure if it's the idea of it or the fact that this schoolteacher is rocking a nipple-popping pink outfit that I guess you could get away if your kid charges were actually blind. That way the lads aren't humping her leg.  All I know is that I'm an Ursula von Baechler fan for life because of this film.

It all ends leaving the viewer feeling a bit like a puzzled guard in Metal Gear as a question mark hovers over their head, but the twist is strange enough that it is entertaining, and the cop's final reaction is priceless as he walks off.   The movie never really goes to the demented level that PIECES took a similar tale, but almost seems to admit that as Arana just wanders out of the scene...

Right from the start BODY PUZZLE is not a mystery film; the killer is seen as a character in the story instead of the goal to be reached.  His motivations are the question, as well as his actual identity - which delivers the final hook of the story.  Lamberto Bava can do cruelty on a budget and shows yet another nasty reason to not go into a bathroom when he is around.  Seems he likes smashing people to bits against stark white backdrops.  The director makes the best of his environments, manages to toss a few moments of self-aware humor (hey, it's MORT the Medical Examiner!) and even gives a few nods to the glory days of Italian cinema with cameos from Erika Blanc, Gianni Garko, Bruno Corazzari and an extended appearance by Giovanni Lombardo Radice.

The glory days of European Trash are over...hell, the revival of the Glory Days are over by and large, but I'm glad that Lamberto Bava persists, and that Raro Video put out this much improved edition of BODY PUZZLE as well.  There are some nice set pieces and well-designed shots that look far better than ever before.  While there are no extras on the DVD, anyone interested in the film will be satisfied. The essays by Chris Alexander and Matt Patay remind me of why I used to enjoy collecting DVD booklets. Both make good points and are worth reading for Bava fans. – David Zuzelo


BODY PUZZLE is available from Amazon.


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From Scooby-Doo to TORSO: January 2012 Viewings

Work, weather and other factors usually keep my winter viewing to a minimum but this year has – pleasantly – been a bit of a change. Efforts to find a better balance between life and business seem to be working and the year kicked off on some cinematic high notes. There was only one real dud in the bunch (NEW YEAR'S EVIL), a couple surprises (MONEYBALL, MYSTERY TEAM), another solid Eli Roth-helmed horror flick (HOSTEL II) and what would have easily made my Top 5 from 2011 had I seen it last year (RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES).

Monthly Total: 11 films (11 new/0 rewatches)

Year-to-Date: 11 films (11 new/0 rewatches)

UNKNOWN

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Another "Liam Neeson Takes on the Baddies" actioner, this time with Neeson playing a professor who loses his identity after a car crash puts him in a coma. Entertaining but unmemorable with a nice supporting bit by Bruno Ganz and yet another wretchedly jaw-dropping turn from January Jones. Since Neeson ripped off Steven Seagal's BELLY OF THE BEAST for TAKEN, I think Big Steve should remake UNKNOWN as BIG FAT COMA KILLER.

COLD WAR ON ICE

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Excellent documentary from NBC Sports Channel on the "friendly" ice hockey series between the USSR and Canadian All-Stars back in the early 1970s. Succeeds in making Phil Esposito downright charming and funny. Not as good as some of the recent sports docs from ESPN and HBO but always nice to have somebody else churning these out.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

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As a huge POTA fan I was frankly a bit nervous about this one. I really wanted to see the franchise rebooted but didn't want something like that Burton abomination. Luckily, this loose remake of CONQUEST fires on all cylinders and succeeds at being smart, funny, intense and even a little touching. Can't wait to see what they do from here.

MYSTERY TEAM

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What happens when those cute, mystery-obsessed kids turn into dorky mystery-obsessed teens? That's the premise of this slightly raunchy comedy starring Donald Glover, and your appreciation of the flick will probably track with how much you like Glover and his role on NBC's COMMUNITY. I was expecting something much more light-hearted and genteel (guess I didn't notice that 'R' rating!) so I was pleasantly surprised by the myriad gross gags and occasional nudity. Filled with familiar faces from NBC's Thursday night comedies.

OUT OF REACH

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Speaking of Big Steve, here's another in a seemingly-endless line of action thrillers lensed in Eastern Europe. This time he's a do-gooder whose foreign foster kid disappears into the clutches of a human trafficking ring run by Vince from the FAST & FURIOUS movies. Appears to have been made simply so Seagal could have a sword fight with the villain.

NEW YEAR'S EVIL

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I feel like I'm officially scraping the bottom of the barrel of First Wave Slashers. You'd think a horror flick set at a New Year's Eve new wave concert hosted by Pinky Tuscadero (Roz Kelly) would have some potential. Unfortunately, this is an exercise in tedium that will have you yelling "Kill 'em all!" by the halfway point.

HOSTEL II

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I know Eli Roth is a frequent genre fanboy punching bag, but I sure as hell can't figure out why. Frankly, my only complaint about Roth is that he isn't more prolific! HOSTEL II continues his stretch of solid horror efforts as another group of college kids run afoul of the murder-for-pleasure ring operating out of European youth hostels. Funnier and more self-assured than the original, HOSTEL II features some great black humor to go along with the grisly, bloody effects and Roth tips his cap to Eurotrash with some choice cameos.

MONEYBALL

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There doesn't seem to be much middle ground with this flick. People I've talked to have either loved it or compared it to such eyeball-searing activities as paint drying or grass growing. Personally, I thoroughly enjoyed it, not as a baseball or sports movie but as a film about passionate individuals looking to make a paradigm shift in how something has been done for 100 years. It could have been about cricket or publishing or knitting – I just liked the idea that the answer "because that's how we've always done it" wasn't good enough for them. Plus, I don't think I've ever actually *liked* Brad Pitt or Jonah Hill in a movie before.

OUR IDIOT BROTHER

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The biggest problem I had with this comedy was accepting the idea that Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Daschanel, Emily Mortimer and Paul Rudd are siblings. Once I got over that I enjoyed this look at three sisters and their goofy, well-meaning, but dumb as a box of rocks brother. Rudd gets booted from his life on a farm after selling pot to a uniformed cop and he spends the flick bouncing from sister to sister, alternately ruining and improving their lives as he plots how to get his beloved dog back from his ex. Not a lot of heavy lifting but a good cast elevates the predictable material.

SCOOBY-DOO AND THE LEGEND OF THE PHANTOSAUR

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And the Scooby-Doo flicks just keep on coming! (Much to my daughter's delight.) This one features Scooby and the gang heading to a new age spa after Shaggy suffers one too many scares. Naturally, a nearby archaeology dig is plagued by a glowing, fire-breathing dinosaur and a hypnotized Shaggy turns into a tough guy whenever anybody says the word "bad". An average effort with just enough jokes and gags aimed at adults.

TORSO

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My Year of Segio Martino got off to a rousing start with my first viewing of this underrated giallo. Who is offing the bitchy girls at the local university? Is it the can't-take-no-for-an-answer student, the creepy uncle who peeps on his leggy niece, the solid-jawed doctor, the prickly prof or the rat-faced scarf vendor? Your guess is as good as mine as Martino deftly drops enough red herrings to keep me unsure until the final moments. This tension-packed thriller – which is also jammed with copious nudity and gratuitous J&B placements – deserves more love as Martino effortlessly segues from chilling scenes of murder to dark humor. It's no wonder the aforementioned Eli Roth loves this flick and lauds it as a major influence on HOSTEL II.

The Dirty Dozen – Premiere Edition

Entertainment Weekly has their Must List.

Golf Magazine has the Front 9.

But what if you don't care about golf or what the cast of Glee is up to? What if you what you really want to know is what Eurotrash DVDs are coming out or what blogs you should be reading or bands you should be listening to in order to get your recommended daily dose of trash?

Well, fear not. ER is here with The Dirty Dozen, a new feature that will provide you with a look at the junk culture and fringe media stuff we love, Love, LOVE ... at the moment. Stop back every weekend for a new installment and be sure to drop me a line if you have something you feel is worthy of being in The Dirty Dozen. Got a mag, comic, zine, disc, movie or, well, anything you want us to check out? See the sidebar for our PO Box address.

Enough yakking. On to this week's list!

1. The Planet of the Apes Saga: Original Recipe – I don't know if RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES is any good or not, though I was pleasantly surprised to see its rating on Rotten Tomatoes well past 80% when I got up this morning. But I do know that the new flick seems to have sparked renewed interest in the original five films which I love so much. Best of all, I got to watch all five flicks on the big screen last weekend thanks to the guys at Exhumed Films and believe it or not, I think I actually like the series more than I did about a week ago. Rather than simply make the same flick over and over again each film has its own unique take on the storyline, and, more importantly, the saga works as a great, epic tale. Sure, some of the effects are dated and the messages simplistic, but I'll go on the record as saying the STAR WARS flicks can't hold a candle to the APES saga.
2. TENEBRAE (DVD) – Though I've been spending a lot of time these last few months immersed in The Summer of ACTION! (with more posts to come soon, I promise), an ongoing side project has been a reassessment of the work of Dario Argento. I've always thought The Italian Hitchcock was a little overrated but felt like I should go back and give fresh watches to some of his classic – and not so classic – work to see if I was being fair. I was surprised by how much I loved the nightmarish INFERNO and how much the trashy, nutzoid PHENOMENA didn't click with me. But a recent viewing of the seemingly personal TENEBRAE reminded me that when he was firing on all cylinders there weren't many who could touch Argento's deft touch when it came to giallo. It's an entertaining, funny and well-acted mystery packed with iconic death scenes and a superb cast.
3. THE BASEMENT VHS Screener – As the DVD/Blu-Ray era closes in on the end of its second decade, one can be left wondering what's left to release? Thanks to the horror market's insatiable need to see anything and everything, no matter how poorly acted or cheaply made, it looks like shot-on-video and shot-on-super-8mm (!) features will ensure that horror fans have plenty to watch in the years to come. THE BASEMENT takes a page out of the SLEDGEHAMMER book by providing screeners on both DVD and VHS. THE VHS screener is a site to behold, an old school big box with colorful artwork of a buxom blonde being attached by nasty beasts from the titular basement. I don't know if the flick will even be watchable (though I was pleasantly surprised by SLEDGEHAMMER) but the screener brought a tear to my eye and reminded me of the good old days of turning those worn out cardboard boxes over and over in my hands.
4. Klaus Kinski's Directorial Debut (And Swan Song) Comes to US DVD – Regular readers know of my love for the irascible and outrageous European film star Klaus Kinski. I've long contended that no matter how brief his role, "The German Olivier" usually makes anything he's in worth watching. (A theory that was severaly put to the test by PSYCHOPATH.) Towards the end of his long and storied career, Kinski conspired to write and direct a biography of Niccolo Paganini, an Italian violinist and composer whose wild lifestyle and violent playing style led some to suggest that he'd made a deal with the devil (take THAT Robert Johnson!). The resulting film – KINSKI PAGANINI – has only been available on German VHS and DVD but good pal and Cinema Arcana honcho Bruce Holecheck recently informed me that Mya (who released the Turkish Kinski oddity EVIL FACE) will be putting the film out on US DVD in November. I'll provide more details about the disc as they become available and be sure to check out the Cinema Arcana Upcoming Release List!
5. NEVER SLEEP AGAIN: THE ELM STREET LEGACY (DVD) – I've always thought the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET franchise should have ended after the third installment – DREAM WARRIORS directed by Chuck Russell. It made up for some of the glaring sins of ELM STREET 2, gave the series a nice sense of closure thanks to the presence of Heather Langenkamp and John Saxon, and would have been a good way to end things on a high note. Thanks to boffo box office we all know that's not how things played out and the more of an outrageous wise-cracker Freddy became the more my interest in the series waned. But I'm glad it went on as long as it did, because it gave filmmakers Daniel Farrands and Andrew Kasch the opportunity to create NEVER SLEEP AGAIN, an exhaustive, funny and informative look at the franchise, the people behind it, and how New Line really was "The House That Freddy Built". Who knew a four-hour ELM STREET doc would be my front-runner for my favorite film I've seen all year?!
6. The Stalkers: Yesterday is No Tomorrow (CD) – I caught this New York garage band a few weeks ago when they opened for The Dwarves here in Baltimore. The moment I saw them setting up on stage I had a feeling they'd be the kind of band I'd dig... the members looked like guys I hung out with in college and you could almost smell the Ramones/Thunders/Dictators vibe. Oddly enough, the dude I had pegged for their roadie – a burly biker type who looked like he might have kidnapped the rest of the band – was actually their lead singer, giving the garage-pop an interesting visual dynamic and gleefully sinister playfulness. The disc I picked up from their merch table after the show is four years old and doesn't really do them justice, but with great music in short supply these days I was happy to discover a band I'm anxious to hear more from.
7. Louis Fowler's Damaged Viewing (Podcast) – Longtime ER readers are certainly already familiar with Louis Fowler, a pop culture watchdog who has written some of my favorite reviews at the site. And when he's not telling everybody within earshot how great BATMAN & ROBIN is he's also a damn fine blogger, food writer (check out his work in our sister publication The Hungover Gourmet) and host of Damaged Hearing (available via iTunes). But I'm partial to Louis's latest venture – with frequent guest and card-carrying Man of ACTION! John Grace – a hysterical and interesting look at cinema called (what else?) Damaged Viewing. Louis and Co. jump in the studio after seeing such films as TRANSFORMERS 3, GREEN LANTERN and CAPTAIN AMERICA, only to find the conversation veering wildly off-topic before coming back around.
8. Black Dynamite: The Animated Series Premiere (TV) – I finally caught up with BLACK DYNAMITE at this year's ActionFest and busted a gut over Michael Jai White's dead-on paean to 70s blaxploitation cinema. With DYNAMITE already a full-fledged cult film hit, the character has his own comic book and is now set for his big TV debut. But first, this Monday, August 8th will see the premiere of BLACK DYNAMITE: THE ANIMATED SERIES on AdultSwim.com. The 11-minute pilot, featuring the voices of White, Tommy Davidson and others from the film, is just the start as Dynamite will be joining the Adult Swim lineup later this year.
9. First Photo of Henry Cavill as The Man of Steel – I was shocked when the first photo of Henry Cavill in the Superman costume from the upcoming THE MAN OF STEEL hit the internet and nerds began complaining. Oh no, wait, I wasn't shocked at all. In fact, I resisted the urge to look at the pic when the link first hit my mailbox because I wanted time for the ferocious idiocy to come to a rolling boil. Sure enough, comments sections on blogs, websites and social media sites were packed with complaints ranging from nitpicky (Why is the S so big? The cape looks like drapes.) to nitwitty (Bring back Brandon Routh! Where's the curled lock of hair?). Frankly, I'm not a huge Superman fan but even I was dismayed at Kal-El's last cinematic outing and had little interest in this new "reboot", even if I like some of Zack Snyder's work. But not only does the first look at Supes remind me of the George Reeves show that I grew up on but for the first time in a long time the Boy Scout looks like he's finally ready to kick some bad guy ass. (I was not similarly enthused about the first glimpse of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.)
   
10. Bruce Springsteen Auditions for PERFECT? (Viral) – There came a point in the 1980s where you had to make a music video. It didn't matter how big a star you were, music videos were a big promotional tool... even if they made you look like a tool. Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing in the Dark" was, I believe, The Boss's first music video and the one that aired ad nauseum on MTV is largely remembered for the scene at the end with a post-MISFITS OF SCIENCE/pre-FRIENDS Courtney Cox being pulled from the audience to "dance" with Bruce. (The moment was even referenced on Cox's underrated COUGAR TOWN last season.) As stiff and uncomfortable as that video is, it's like a Kubrick film in comparison to this early, original version that I stumbled across thanks to the great Butch Walker (whose new album hits later this month). For twelve painful minutes The Boss arthritically lurches through "dance moves", does some kinda weird lasso thing over his head and snaps his fingers to a non-existent beat that only he can hear. That'd be bad enough, but the black pants, wife-beater tee, suspenders and black headband make it look like he's trying out for a role in PERFECT. Hard to believe this is the guy who did "Candy's Room".
    
11. Kindle Bargains (eBooks) – After getting an iPad this summer I found myself blowing past the eBook apps because I couldn't imagine I'd ever curl up with the device to read a good book. I've always been a textural guy who likes the feel and smell of a used paperback or the ability to roll up a mag or zine and stuff it in my pocket. But I was won over by the Kindle app and the fact that Created, The Destroyer was available for the low, low price of 99 cents along with a ton of other Destroyer novels! (Hey, if you're going to take the plunge into a Summer of ACTION! you might as well read the first book in the most famous men's action series.) Then, while cruising around West Philly this past weekend, ER co-founder Lou Goncey informed me that the 25th anniversary edition of John Skipp & Craig Spector's groundbreaking splatterpunk horror novel Light at the End was available for less than the price of a cup of coffee. The eBook will never replace the fun of finding great, used trash at a flea market and I won't take my iPad into the can with me, but good bargains on great books will certainly keep me coming back for more.
    
12. JAWS Meets... Peanuts? – As a kid I loved anything and everything related to PLANET OF THE APES, KISS, and James Bond, just to name a few. Having older siblings meant that I also got my hands on passed-down volumes of classic Peanuts strips re-printed in paperbacks and had escorts who would take me to see JAWS, even when I wasn't supposed to. Given how much time I spent in the ocean you'd have thought the flick would have freaked me out, but I went the opposite direction and, for a brief period, embraced all things shark. My 9th birthday even had a bit of a JAWS theme, with me getting a huge towel featuring the iconic JAWS poster (wish I still had that) and a plastic Great White Shark bank. Never expected to see beloved childhood icons like Snoopy and JAWS mashed up, but, well, you just never know. (Link via Super Punch)