Monday, February 23, 2015

Digging Out With TOP MODEL

David Z and I have both been buried lately... he under 95" of snow and me under an avalanche of catalog work for a client. But we've both emerged, albeit briefly, in order to share Z's look at the recent DVD of L'ATTRAZIONE (aka TOP MODEL) from One 7 Films, featuring an appearance from Geretta Geretta of DEMONS fame!

Mario Gariazzo is a director who produced some extremely odd films during his career, ranging from UFO conspiracy and sexploitation such as EYES BEHIND THE STARS and VERY CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND to Spaghetti Westerns like ACQUASANTA JOE and the infamous WHITE SLAVE, not to mention PLAY MOTEL, a thriller on the distinctly hard end of the "giallo" shaft of celluloid.

So, it was quite intriguing to see TOP MODEL, a latter day sex film that features such top of the bill talents like Florence Guerin and Martine Brochard hobnobbing with Marino Mase and a bunch of stock players that include Geretta Geretta – Rosemary from DEMONS – lounging in lingerie.

Sandwiched between his hot streak and the utterly bizarre THE BROTHER FROM SPACE, L'ATTRAZIONE (aka TOP MODEL) has enough odd flourishes in its short running time that you can tell it's Gariazzo's work, but only upon close inspection. With a Blu Ray of his EERIE MIDNIGHT HORROR SHOW recently released by Code Red, it's a shame this one isn't quite as bizarre. But, if you like 80s softcore, TOP MODEL is certainly worth watching.

Nadine is a fashion photographer out for shoot with a rich couple, and even as things wrap up it's clear the man of the house – Victor – is smitten by her. How could you not be, as she is frequently naked and was being being groped about and rubbing lustily against a stranger (Florence Guerin)?

Marino Mase and Guerin end up in a strange battle of wills, desires, chess with a handgun (you need to watch that bit to believe it) and a whole lot of nudity. Victor's wife, played by Martine Brochard, wobbles between anger and fascination as the scenarios play out. It's all good dirty fun with lots of dramatic dialog and references to literature mixed with tits and Mase's not-so-sensual ass... though I would take one for the team and shoot those scenes, too!

Gariazzo probably gets a bum rap at times, mostly because his films are so damn weird that they tend to feel almost like berserk parodies of the genre he's working in, but he has visual flair at times, and even in the 80s glut of films that would shimmy to cable around the world he presents work as stylish as Filmirage's output. Go ahead, you can snicker, but I do so love the Filmirage sexploitation catalog.

This, as with many of One 7's releases, is definitely a completist item and this particular Italian Skin Film obsessive was charmed by the film. It's not exactly loaded with tension, but the star is beautiful and the scenarios are just odd enough to keep it compelling.

One 7 does not shock in the visual department. The flick is not great looking, but I haven't seen it any other way and most likely we never will again on the US shores. The picture is soft looking (and yes, many European Sex Films were "shot that way" but I'm not referring to the cinematography) and in mono Italian with English subtitles.

Hardly a landmark, but Guerin's performance and sex appeal will draw you in. I just can't believe the retitling at One 7 (as per usual) since TOP MODEL is the cable and VHS name for Joe D'Amato's Filmirage presentation also on DVD as 11 DAYS, 11 NIGHTS PART 2.  Cheeky!!  Wait, that is the name of a Tinto Brass film, so... that could end up as the title for a Peter Bark movie where he plays a boy scout (yep, it exists, I've seen it). Best not give them more ideas!! – David Zuzelo

TOP MODEL is available from Amazon.


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

This is Almost Enough to Make Me Subscribe to the PLAYBOY Channel!

Did you love John Waters' commentary track on the CHRISTMAS EVIL DVD and Blu-Ray?

Wouldn't you love to sit down and watch a bunch of movies with the PINK FLAMINGOS director and get his take on them?

The PLAYBOY Channel – which I didn't know still existed – is going one better and has hired Waters to host screenings of a series of vintage porn films that will air on Saturday nights beginning this month. (Unfortunately, this received so little press that we've already missed the first week!)

Waters is slated to host screenings of such groundbreaking and legendary skin flicks as DEEP THROAT, THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES, CANDY STRIPERS, TELL THEM JOHNNY WADD IS HERE and DEBBIE DOES DALLAS.


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Vinegar Syndrome Goes Digital... And You Can Help Make It Happen

We've come a long way from walking into the video store and mulling over the mangled boxes lining the shelves, hoping that the likes of GRADUATION DAY or RAW FORCE would be available to rent.

Help the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome get their streaming channel off the ground and get some sweet rewards in the process.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Last Minute Holiday Horrors with TO ALL A GOODNIGHT (1980)

2014 has been an interesting year for ballyhooed video releases of less heralded slasher flicks. And while I was thrilled to see GRADUATION DAY get its due thanks to the folks at Vinegar Syndrome, I must admit to being somewhat underwhelmed by lovingly restored versions of both PROM NIGHT and CURTAINS. Unfortunately, you can add the David Hess-helmed Holiday Horror TO ALL A GOODNIGHT – out now on Blu-Ray and available from Amazon – to that list of so-so slashers.

Opening with a genre trademark pre-credit "accidental death" at a girls school, TO ALL immediately jumps ahead two years as a half-dozen or so students stay behind during Christmas vacation. One girl invites her rich boyfriend and his pals to fly up – thanks to pilot Harry Reems! – so she can spread, uh, some Christmas joy and drink some PBR while the filmmakers pad the list of victims.

From here on out it's a largely plotless endeavor as the killer knocks off students, Ralph the Red Herring Gardener, a horny cop sent to protect the girls – and by "protect" I mean "screw" – and so on until the "ah, what the hell" ending that feels more pulled from thin air than usual.

Granted, these same complaints about plotlessness (is that even a word?) and half-assed endings can be leveled at scores of mindless horror outings to which I've been much kinder. I get that. But TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT commits a far greater sin than simply being moronic (a trait I am definitely willing to overlook)... it's downright tedious.

Sure, HOSPITAL MASSACRE (aka X-RAY) may be as dumb as a post, but at least Boaz Davidson fills the hospital setting with freaks and weirdoes spouting insane dialogue while Barbi Benton runs around in her undies. In other words, I was never bored by it.

What came as the much bigger surprise was how tame TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT ended up being. While I've never been a huge fan, director Hess' filmography as an actor features sleazy turns in such flicks as Wes Craven's THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT and Ruggero Deodato's trashy HOUSE ON THE EDGE OF THE PARK. In his first – and only – feature behind the camera, Hess fails to deliver anything memorable from a sleaze/gore standpoint and the flick is largely remembered – aside from a killer in a Santa suit – thanks to the appearance of Jennifer Runyon as milk drinking sometimes peeper Nancy.

Runyon, who made her debut in this flick, would go on to a film and television career highlighted by a recurring role on 'Charles in Charge', stepping in as Cindy Brady on the tv movie A VERY BRADY CHRISTMAS (co-starring Jerry Houser of SLAP SHOT fame as brother-in-law Wally), and appearing in drive-in fare like UP THE CREEK and CARNOSAUR (exec produced by uncle-in-law Roger Corman).

Successful as neither a slasher nor a holiday-themed horror, TO ALL A GOODNIGHT deserves a big ol' lump of coal in its stocking. If you want holiday-themed sleaze that delivers the goods, treat yourself to the likes of SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT or DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor of Exploitation Retrospect and the food and drink-themed zine/website The Hungover Gourmet. A contributor to such publications as Weng's Chop and Monster! (both available at Amazon) he is also the co-host of Cinesludge: A Mangled Media Podcast with David Zuzelo.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Holiday Horrors Returns with HOME SWEET HOME (1981)

Be careful what you wish for this holiday season, my friends.

Longtime readers of ER are well aware of my love for "holiday horrors" – heck, a screening of the original SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT over Thanksgiving weekend in 1984 is what set co-founder Lou Goncey and me on the wild and crazy path to zine publishing/blogging/podcasting.

And while you can't swing a dead elf without hitting a half-dozen Christmas-themed horror flicks, other holidays – like Thanksgiving – aren't quite as well represented. Oh sure, there's 1987's classic BLOOD RAGE (aka NIGHTMARE AT SHADOW WOODS) in which a Thanksgiving meal touches off a killing spree as an escaped mental patient tries to clear his name, but there's not many more.

The most well known example of on-screen Thanksgiving slaughter is probably 1981's HOME SWEET HOME, long unavailable on domestic video in any legit form and the subject of a lengthy flea market and thrift store hunt by yours truly. Thanks to Cinesludge's very own Evil Monk #2 I was able to get my hands on a copy for Thanksgiving Eve viewing.

Uh... thanks?

For those of you that loathe any kind of set up, HOME SWEET HOME will be right in your wheelhouse as a pre-credit radio bulletin alerts us to the presence of a homicidal maniac – yep, that's BIG BROTHER JAKE star Jake Steinfeld – who has escaped from a home for the criminally insane eight years after bludgeoning his parents to death. As if the sight of the ripped, curly-haired, hulking "Body By Jake" pitchman isn't enough to strike terror in your hearts, well, he might also be on PCP.

After stealing a station wagon and running over an old woman TRUTH OR DARE style, Body By Jake finds himself in the vicinity of the home of Bradley, a failed record executive played by Don Edmonds (yes, the same Don Edmonds who brought us ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS and ILSA, HARMER KEEPER OF THE OIL SHIEKS). With friends and family gathered for a Thanksgiving meal, Bradley and Co. make easy pickings for Body By Jake (billed as The Killer) as he crushes, strangles and bludgeons his way through the guest list.

Unfortunately – like some Thanksgiving recipes I've encountered over the years – HOME SWEET HOME sounds much better on paper than it does in reality. The presentation certainly doesn't help as the transfer is dark-bordering-on-incomprehensible while cars break down, people walk around the woods and Body By Jake cackles like, well, a lunatic on PCP as he thins the herd.

As for the Thanksgiving setting, I'm not even positive the holiday is actually mentioned. There's a turkey on the table and one guest is incensed when the power goes out, thus limiting his access to the big game he has a bet on, but for all the talk of the Thanksgiving theme it could really be any weekend during the fall.

But no review of HOME SWEET HOME would be complete without a nod to Peter De Paula as The Mistake – simultaneously the best and worst thing about the flick. Dressed like a new wave mime (?!), the cruelly nicknamed Mistake bops around the proceedings playing riffs on his portable electric guitar and doing magic tricks to amuse Angel (a young Vinessa Shaw who would go on to a lengthy career in film and TV including Stanley Kubrick's EYES WIDE SHUT). The Mistake – who seems to be Bradley's son from an earlier marriage? – even gets pegged as the killer when bodies start piling up. You can't wait for him to get killed but when he's not on screen you'll be begging for him to relieve the boredom.

And that may be HOME SWEET HOME's most egregious sin. Like a bone-dry Thanksgiving turkey, HOME SWEET HOME takes the high concept of a Thanksgiving murder spree and dumbs it down to the level of your most generic slasher.

Do yourself a favor... if you're truly in the mood for a Turkey Day terror treat yourself to the truly whacked out BLOOD RAGE instead. You'll thank me later. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor of Exploitation Retrospect and the food and drink-themed zine/website The Hungover Gourmet. A contributor to such publications as Weng's Chop and Monster! (both available at Amazon) he is also the co-host of Cinesludge: A Mangled Media Podcast with David Zuzelo.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Batter Up! Slash, Dash and BILLY CLUB Bash with the Evil Monks of Cinesludge

Baseball may be over but it's always Slasher Season for the Evil Monks of Cinesludge!

In the latest episode, David Zuzelo of TOMB IT MAY CONCERN and I wax nostalgic about our discovery of and love for the much-maligned slasher genre and even offer up a list of some of the genre faves we return to again and again and again. (Hint: None of them are HALLOWEEN flicks and at least three include Edmund Purdom... THREE!)

Plus, we take a largely spoiler-free look at the newly-minted-but-feels-like-the-90s baseball-themed slasher neo-classic BILLY CLUB, in which a tormented tween comes back to wreak havoc on the Little Leaguers whose hijinks landed him in the loony bin. Where they appear to have no intramural baseball team.

So grab some stale popcorn, an overpriced beverage and your nail-filled Louisville slugger and listen in as two HorrorDads take a break from their daily routine to chat about their favorite cinematic comfort food.

Cinesludge: The Mangled Media Podcast is available via Cinesludge.podbean.com as well as on iTunes.

If you have any questions for the Evil Monks, comment below or drop us a line at editor@dantenet.com and we'll be happy to answer them in an upcoming episode.

For the latest Cinesludge news and giveaways, be sure to like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter via @CinesludgeMedia.

Friday, October 31, 2014

31 Days of Fright Feature 2: Troma Does Giallo with EYES OF THE CHAMELEON

It wouldn't be the final day of 31 Days of Fright without a post from longtime ER contributor and tireless curator of trash, Doug Waltz. Be sure to check out the latest issue of Doug's zine Divine Exploitation at CreateSpace.

EYES OF THE CHAMELEON starts with a psychotic older man screaming at a boy in a pit. We are informed that it is the 70s. The man is so foul that you really feel for the kid even though he never comes in to the pit after the kid.

Flash forward to the present where we meet Sara who has a dead end job in a casino in Vegas. She feels like her life is a waste of time so she spends a lot of time drinking, smoking dope and snorting cocaine.

Then a bizarre, violent encounter with a gypsy palm reader starts sending Sara's world out of control. Casual sex coupled with increasing drug use would be enough to bring anyone down that spiral, but Sara has a kicker to all that.

Someone is slaughtering everyone she knows: from her boyfriend to the corner deli guy. A person, hidden from view, is cutting them all to ribbons. And Sara could be next.

EYES OF THE CHAMELEON gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling when someone gets it right. This flick would fit into the Something Weird catalog without missing a beat. It shows us a grimier side of Vegas and Anne Teal (Sara) takes over the screen whenever she's on it. But, she does it in a clever way. At the beginning of the flick we just see this girl, but as the film goes on she becomes this unstoppable presence.

The fact that this micro-budget flick has some of the hardest softcore sex scenes I have seen in quite sometime is amazing. And when the movie is over it leaves you with a 'What did I just watch?' feeling. I'm still not sure and I might have to go back and check it out with the commentary.

The gore effects are well done. Anne Teal makes this her picture and Vegas looks more down to Earth than ever before. This isn't about what happens on the strip. This is about the people who inhabit the tourist trap and how things can be a little rotten beneath the shiny veneer.

The only extras are a slide show and a commentary by director Ron Atkins which I will definitely be listening to on a second viewing. Troma puts their usual block of fun filled nonsense on the disc and they designed the DVD case to make it look like an old school giallo, which I thought was cool.

EYES OF THE CHAMELEON is one of the sexiest, goriest, kinkiest flicks I've seen in recent years and Ron Atkins is a guy who gets the most out of a tiny budget and a very well done script. – Doug Waltz

Doug Waltz is a longtime contributor to Exploitation Retrospect and contributed a variety of reviews to ER #52 (available from our website).

EYES OF THE CHAMELEON is available from Amazon.


31 Days of Fright Feature 1: You Don't Have to Go to David Zuzelo for a PORN SHOOT MASSACRE

I hope you've had time to settle into your seats now that the trailers are over. And speaking of coming attractions, who better to see if PORN SHOOT MASSACRE delivers on its title than Cinesludge's own Evil Monk #2 (cue the "Mwuhahahaha!"), David Zuzelo...

"What the hell is that? It's not a sex toy... It's a weapon. Oh, God."  

With a title like PORN SHOOT MASSACRE I went in expecting a little sex, a little violence and hopefully a few chuckles. Not exactly popshotting for the moon, I put the disc in and right away got a pleasant surprise. Wrestling fans and Goth Chick aficionados may remember Ariel (Shelly Martinez) from WWE's iteration of ECW fondly. Maybe her role as Salinas in TNA? Or how about Cle-Ho-Patra in Womens Erotic Wrestling? Ahem...well, you get LOTS of nude n' sudsy Shelly to start the flick off right and I'll cop to it, I was one happy viewer. And then...THEY KILL HER! Lamely. That means there's more talking, gesturing, acting and stuff to come.

Sigh.

But like the cool jock-strappy masked maniac of the film, I took this line of dialog to heart: "Brute...finish the task."

Once we watch Martinez blow off a porn producer for a new guy in town, it's time to get to it. A variety of attractive women show up for a porn shoot (I saw that coming) and they end up getting massacred in a variety of ways. I saw that coming, too. From the bitchy dominatrix to the hot woman told to really make LOVE to her companion, nobody is safe as brutish Brute pops up to off the ladies.

The story does get a little more complicated as we go along, especially the character of the false mustachioed director who looks like he jumped out of a spankhouse special of the 70s such as THE SEXUALIST. There is a final girl (and you have to watch for her almost final walk alone as a crew member attempts to hide behind a fence!) and she's accompanied by the repentant cinema generating scuzzbag to the final battle with BRUTE. It's here where the film actually works for a few scenes as the duo come up with the best possible slasher plan I'd never thought of. Yes, our sexy siren comes up with this line... "OK, I'll shoot him while he's killing you!"  

Now that is a plan! And it works... kind of. You have to watch it to find out.

PORN SHOOT MASSACRE benefits by delivering enough skin and sin blended with a few really silly stalkings and off-screen deaths that look solid on the technical level. The editing actually generates some tension and the score by Mark Palmieri gets props for balancing out the sexy sounds and the screamy electrobooping with a pretty even hand.

If you WANT to watch PORN SHOOT MASSACRE, I have faith that you will be satiated by the stuff you come for. If you are in the mood for a themed massacre, I'd stick with Texas, or a Sorority House or Slumber Party. But if you're like me, you finally got to see Kevin Thorn's valet naked... and that is good enough for this viewer! – David Zuzelo

David Zuzelo is the titan of TOMB IT MAY CONCERN and one of the muck-wallowing monks of CINESLUDGE. You can find his media mangling at both those spots as well as here at Exploitation Retrospect, where he is a regular contributor. Check out our latest issue for David Z's look at a handful of installments of the Nikkatsu Erotic Film Collection as well as other slices of sinema.

PORN SHOOT MASSACRE is available from Amazon.



No Tricks, Just Treats... New Horror Anthology Has Ties to New Episode of CINESLUDGE

While bouncing around the web this morning I ran across some exciting news about TALES OF HALLOWEEN, a new horror anthology flick that will start shooting next month.

I love horror anthology flicks and it's a topic we'll be covering in Exploitation Retrospect #53 (slated for next fall), but the talent involved with this one gets my juices flowing even more than usual.

Not only will we get segments from Neil Marshall (THE DESCENT, DOG SOLDIERS), Mike Mendez (THE CONVENT, BIG ASS SPIDER!) and Axelle Carolyn (whose Marshall-produced SOULMATE is one of our current DVD giveaways), but John Skipp – whose 'The Light At The End' is one of my fave horror novels – is teaming up with Andrew Kasch.

And Joe Begos – whose entertaining "lumberjack on a murderous rampage" flick ALMOST HUMAN is discussed on the new episode of CINESLUDGE – is also directing a story. Swing on over to Podbean or check us out on iTunes to give it a listen as Evil Monk #1 and Evil Monk #2 talk Mack Bolan, men's adventure novels, ALMOST HUMAN and the recent Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horrorthon VIII.

31 Days of Fright: Trailer Trash or Essential Comp? A Look at GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS VOLUME 1

Happy Halloween to all you creeps, maniacs and things that go bump in the night! Though over horror coverage continues all year, today marks the end of our annual 31 Days of Fright feature and we'll be celebrating with a triple bill of terror, a pulsing trio of sinema to scare the pants off you... or, if you're lucky, your date! But no screaming, er, I mean "screening" is complete without some coming attractions, right? So let Chuck Francisco walk you to your seat while he shares some thoughts on the recently released GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS VOLUME 1... 

The boulevard of retro trash cinema trailers is a brightly lit thoroughfare of promises. Those gravelly voiced storefronts promise action in spades and explosions by the baker's dozen. Ladies of the night, the day, the jungle, the prison, the basement, and the dark alley pry at the wallet with their supple skins. Evocative displays exploit plate glass propositions in promises so fantastical as to defy expectations. These two-minute movie muffins offer all of the calories of a full filmatic meal without the filler of an additional eighty minutes' content. And in many cases we're better off simply strolling this lane of loud promises, well-to-do and dapper, without ever being taken for a ride by a false siren's call. Ninety minutes of wall-to-wall trailers is an hour and a half of non-stop action, titillation, perversion, laughs, and exploitation.

But this has also been an amazingly well-traveled avenue over the past decade or so. If an overwhelming feeling of "been there, done that" pervades the new GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS VOLUME 1 compilation, it's probably because we have walked these streets a million times, seeking the short stack of thrills offered by competing maple syrup sweet discs. It's not that Grindhouse Trailers Classics chose poor trailers, put them in unfortunate arrangements, or neglected some specific spice of schlock in assembling their trashy offerings. On the contrary, everything is button-up tails and top hats to the nines, but it's a borrowed ensemble, worn better by trailer compilations who beat Intervision Picture Corp to the punch by many years' time. The highly successful 42ND STREET FOREVER series is a much more solid proof of concept, as is the ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE'S TRAILER WARS release, both of which include HD Blu-Ray versions as a tremendous step up.

Another scuff on the fancy wing tipped shoes of GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS VOLUME 1 is obvious pixilation scattered about the run time. It doesn't effect all of the trailers, but more than a few deteriorated into the tell tale signs of low-resolution posers, those detestable wanna-be fancy gentlemen trying to put on the Ritz, sadly failing to pull it off. About the only brightly luminescent streetlight along this boulevard is the lengthy Grindhouse expose, BUMP 'N GRIND, a wonderfully wicked and snarky slide down the sleazy cinema aisle of indulgence. This feels fresh and fun, while being whip smart and spot on.

I'd like to stress that this isn't a bad release, only that full-on exploitation fans have already paid to visit these attractions many times, and likely still own the forbearers to this release. Newcomers to the slime bowl of schlock will find this to be a solid adventure that potentially unlocks a world of disgusting and weird in their brainpans. Longstanding perverts and weirdoes need not apply, though, as you likely already live here (and have for some time). – Chuck Francisco

Chuck Francisco is a columnist and critic for Mania.com, writing Shock-O-Rama. He is a co-curator of several repertoire film series at the world famous Colonial Theatre in Phoenixville, PA. An avid beer brewer, rock climber, and video gamer, you can hear him drop nerd knowledge on the weekly podcast You've Got Geek, and follow him on twitter @CyanideRush. He recently wrote about Nazi Zombies, Spaghetti Westerns and American Hippies for Exploitation Retrospect 52 (available from our website).

GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS VOLUME 1 is available from Amazon.

CONTEST: What's In Your Horror Movie Survival Crate?

We've all been there... you're watching a horror flick and you simply can't believe what the characters on the big (or little) screen are doing.

Whether they're going back into the creepy house or deciding to explore that "strange noise" coming from the shed where all the power tools are, we all think we're smarter than the victims du jour.

But would you really survive an encounter with a knife-wielding maniac, possessed prom queen or alien-inhabited lumberjack? Maybe if you had a chance to plan ahead, imagine what you'd need to last till the end and get it all in a big crate that would arrive at an opportune moment?

Here's your chance to show how much smarter than stock horror movie characters you are! Use the comments section below to name up to five things you'd want to receive if you were a character in a horror movie. They can be as creative or practical as you want (like a really slow sidekick or maybe some extra gas for that chainsaw you just know is going to konk out at the wrong time).

On Wednesday, November 5, 2014 we'll select a comment at random to receive a crate of goodies from ER HQ. Okay, "crate" might be the wrong word. How about a "box" of goodies including the new films INSIDE, SOULMATE (executive produced by Neil Marshall) and ZOMBIE HOOD, copies of Exploitation Retrospect 51 and 52 and more.

And speaking of crates, check out the cool gifts available at ManCrates.com that inspired this contest. I once spent a summer working in a warehouse opening crates of sheet music with a crowbar. If you've never opened a crate with a crowbar, you're missing out on one of life's little pleasures.

Unfortunately, all the crates we opened had sheet music in them. And the occasional slice of geriatric porn somebody at the other warehouse stuck in there to "shock" us. They never contained anything cool like bacon, old school toys, or everything you'd need to survive a few extra days in the coming zombie-pocalypse.

IMPORTANT! Anonymous comments will be removed since we have no way of contacting you if you win!