VENDETTA (1986) directed by Bruce Logan

“I’m not some cryogenic fuck that warms up every time you come jammin’ around!” 

Wacky car crash movie meets women-in-prison revenge flick in Concorde’s mind-boggling VENDETTA (1986), the feature film directorial debut of longtime cinematographer and visual effects artist Bruce Logan (STAR WARS, TRON, BIG BAD MAMA and helmer of Madonna’s “Borderline” video).

Laurie (Karen Chase) is a big-haired stuntwoman working on an action flick in a small southern town. (The flick opens with a cool fire walk stunt to show off its bona fides). While the locals think the film crew is getting a bit too big for its britches, tensions spill over when Laurie’s younger sister kills a local who gets a little handsy. Prison isn’t kind to the new fish and when she runs afoul of head con Kay (character actress Sandy Martin) she gets the Russian Dissident Treatment and “falls” off a roof.

Like any good sibling, Laurie is hell bent on revenge and gets herself thrown into the same jail thanks to Judge Waters (Will Hare, the creepy Grandpa from SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT). It’s not long before she’s picking off members of Kay’s gang while she works her way up to a final confrontation with her sister’s killer.

VENDETTA’s revenge storyline is fairly pedestrian and Chase isn’t very convincing as an action star. But Logan surrounds her with a cartoonish women’s prison that feels more like a strip club, dirty dancing, bared boobs, shower scenes, creepy guards, Corman regular Roberta Collins in her big screen swan song and – wait for it – a Prince impersonator.

Martin steals the show as the randy inmate-in-charge and it’s easy to see why she has a filmography as long as her character’s rap sheet. VENDETTA doesn’t break new ground in the women in prison game but as a wild genre mash-up perfect for a beer-fueled late-night viewing it totally hits its mark. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of EXPLOITATION RETROSPECT and he wants you to know that copies of issues 52 and 53 are still available.

VENDETTA is available for streaming via Amazon Prime and on Blu-Ray (with NAKED VENGEANCE).

METAMORPHOSIS (1989) Directed by George Eastman

“He’s not a man. He’s a worm.”

George Eastman’s late 80s sci-fi-horror flick METAMORPHOSIS owes more than a little inspiration to Cronenberg’s version of THE FLY but with some wonderfully Eurotrashy flourishes. Peter Houseman (Gene Le Brock who looks like, as one pal said, the poor man’s Christian Bale) is a scientist at “Virginia University” who is trying to defy aging… perhaps DEATH!

When the suits try and shut him down and yank his funding, Houseman is determined to show results. And what better way to show results than to skip all those tiresome “trials” and go right to human testing. On himself!

Pretty soon Houseman is blacking out, assaulting hookers and college students (including Laura Gemsar), mutating and murdering associates while Sally The Financial Investigator He Boned (Catherine Baranov) is trying to find and cure him.

METAMORPHOSIS has a little bit of everything for the trash film fan, not to mention a bonkers price-of-admission-worthy ending. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and is using his free time to dive deep into the streaming vaults to find suitable entertainment.

METAMORPHOSIS is streaming on Amazon Prime and is also available on Blu-Ray.

"Filth is My Politics! Filth is My Life!" Or, A Wrap-Up of exFest 2017

John Waters introduces 1972's PINK FLAMINGOS at exFest.

So, I can check "seeing PINK FLAMINGOS on the big screen with an introduction by John Waters" off my cinematic bucket list.

Spent Saturday up in Philadelphia hanging out with pals and catching the annual Exhumed Films exFest, a 12-hour celebration of all things exploitation.

While I still refer to their 24 Hour Horrorthon each October as "my Christmas", exFest is always a highlight of the spring thanks to its complete anything goes grab bag of chop sockey, spaghetti western, bikers, sexploitation and whatever else they foist upon attendees.

After a quick trip to the city from Maryland we gathered provisions and settled into the steamy theater (temperatures were pushing 90 outside making for a sweltering viewing experience) for seven slices of sinema:

• DYNASTY (period martial arts mayhem with lots of gratuitous 3D action);
• DEATH RIDES A HORSE (quality revenge-driven Spaghetti western with Van Cleef and John Philip Law);
• NEW BARBARIANS (aka Enzo Castellari's WARRIORS OF THE WASTELAND with Fred Williamson and "Timothy Brent" as they take on a band of gay post-apoc marauders led by George Eastman);
• COMBAT COPS (aka ZEBRA KILLER which was like an odd DIRTY HARRY rip-off via blaxploitation with Austin Stoker from ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 as a no fucks given detective on the trail of a deranged killer);
• Gregory Dark's STREET ASYLUM (a disappointing late 80s blend of action and sci-fi with Wings Hauser, G Gordon Liddy, Alex Cord and Sy Richardson that should have been MUCH better);
• 1972's LOVE ME DEADLY (slow moving but sorta intriguing movie about necrophilia from 1972 starring Mary Wilcox and Lyle Waggoner!); 
• and, finally, PINK FLAMINGOS with a surprise live intro from director John Waters. 

Alas, the whole experience was a tad bittersweet as it was the first Exhumed event after the tragic, way-too-soon loss of our friend James "Doc Terror" Harris. Seeing James' smiling face in line always brightened my mood at these events and we'd catch up as we browsed the offerings from Diabolik or poured over the mysterious lineup (Exhumed doesn't share the titles for the exFest or Horrothon in advance). Between flicks we'd share quick opinions on what we just saw (often accompanied by friendly debate) and guesses about what we'd see next. I'd like to think that just some of Doc's enthusiasm and love for sinema rubbed off on me over the years and made me a more forgiving cinephile and a better person.

RIP, Doc and oh, yeah, Fuck Cancer.

Kicking off 2017 with a TERROR FIRMER (1999) Installment of Troma Tuesday

Happy 2017 to everyone out there in ER Land! Hope Santa – or Krampus – brought you whatever slabs of decadent sinema you were wishing for this holiday season. My apologies for the lack of posts in December. I barely had an opportunity to squeeze in some repeat Holiday Horrors right around Christmas thanks to what seemed like constant running around and working on the new issue. More on that in the next week or so but we're finally back on the review horse thanks to our tireless contributors, especially Evan Romero who steps up to the plate and takes one for the team with another Troma Tuesday entry, though it sounds like he kinda likes this one. Cheers! 

When a Troma movie goes in my Blu-ray player, you know one of three things is true: 1) Our Fearless Editor wishes to torture me; 2) I'm desperate for entertainment; or, 3) I've heard good things about it. In regards to TERROR FIRMER, the third choice is the right choice.

A psychotic female is killing people left and right. This doesn't concern blind filmmaker Larry Benjamin (Lloyd Kaufman) who is only concerned with getting his latest picture finished. But the killer soon MAKES it his concern when she starts bumping off members of the cast and crew in grizzly ways. Will Benjamin and his rag tag group be able to stop this bloodthirsty killer? And what does this killer have against independent cinema? The truth is more horrifying than they can imagine...

Yup folks, Troma enters slasher territory here with a flick that isn't painful to watch. While I wouldn't put it amongst my top Troma choices, it definitely doesn't belong amongst the lowest. TERROR FIRMER has everything you want from a Troma flick: gratuitous nudity, poor taste, political and social commentary, "humor" and buckets of blood.

Women let their boobs, beavers and booties hang free; many are excellent deposits for the Spank Bank. The gore is over-the-top and in poor taste, but not quite as abundant as I'd hoped. Still, you get to see a fetus ripped from a pregnant woman's womb, a guy's dick stretched to absurd lengths, a mutilated Ron Jeremy feast upon a dick, a man eaten by an escalator, and much more!

But while the nudity, gore and poor taste are welcome, the political and social commentary runs itself into the ground - obviously the result of the three screenwriters trying too damn hard. Yes, we get it: you have leftist/counter-culture sympathies. There's no need to remind us in damn near every scene.

The humor mostly fails to strike the funny bone. Jokes are of Troma's typical toilet/low-brow variety, and while some are genuinely funny, many of them go on longer than they need to, resulting in jokes that aggravate instead of titillate and have you pressing the fast forward button.

But despite its faults, TERROR FIRMER is a solid addition to Troma's library. Many of the key elements are there to please Troma fans and to piss off the uptight P.C. elite. Plus, where else are you gonna see Lemmy doing a public service announcement for hermaphrodites? – Evan Romero

Evan Romero is a regular contributor to the pages of ER and spends much of his time reading morally questionable books and watching movies no sane person would touch. He is the vocalist/bassist for the punk band Porno Holocaust (you can find them on Facebook and listen to some demos if you’re inclined). His short story “Touch” was recently published in REJECTED FOR CONTENT 5: SANITARIUM. You can read more of his reviews at ReelAtrocities.com or at PopHorror.com.

TERROR FIRMER is available at Amazon.com.

TROMA TUESDAY: CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 3 – THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SUBHUMANOID (1994)

After our usual post-Halloween ennui and associated hiatus we're back, loaded with treats for the holidays. Up first it's the latest Troma Tuesday installment with Evan Romero tackling yet another entry in the CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH series.

"Third time's a charm." So goes the quote. When approaching CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 3: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SUBHUMANOID, this quote hung in my head. Maybe THIS installment will be the charm!

After a recap of the events in the second one (reviewed here by Evan in a previous Troma Tuesday installment), we are introduced to Adlai Smith (Brick Bronsky), son of Roger Smith (Bronsky again), and his girlfriend, Trish (Lisa Star).

Unbeknownst to Adlai, his mother Victoria gave birth to twins. His twin brother, Dick (Bronsky yet again, who clearly thinks of himself as Peter Sellers), was kidnapped by Dr. Slag, PhD (John Tallman) and Professor Holt (Lisa Gaye) at birth and raised to be evil. Slag then uses Dick to frame Adlai and ruin his good reputation. Why? Simple: he wants to reduce Tromaville to toxic waste! Will Adlai be able to stop Dr. Slag, PhD's plan? Will Adlai be able to convince Dick to turn good? Will YOU, dear viewer, learn to make better viewing choices?

Third time's a charm? Nope. In the case of CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 3, third time is absolutely the pits. Seriously, this installment sucks ass. While the second had a few mild guffaws sprinkled throughout, this one offers up absolutely nothing except boredom and irritation. It's truly amazing what SEVEN – yes, SEVEN this time – screenwriters can do, which is to take what made the second installment awful and amplify it! Yes, more unfunny humor, more meta-references, and more Brick Bronsky! Oh God, kill me now and give my body unto the necrophiliacs! As an added bonus, seven screenwriters don't make the film's pacing any better. In fact, this installment moves along as slow as a snail in molasses. No joke, I was far more interested in rearranging my movie collection.

Also, I wonder just who in the hell thought it would be funny to make a farting noise EVERY TIME Lisa Star's ass appears on screen. It isn't funny the first time, and it isn't funny the umpteen times they do it afterwards.

Toxie shows up once again to remind you that you're not watching THE TOXIC AVENGER. And, you get two added bonuses: Ron Jeremy pops up to remind you that you're not watching one of his porn scenes, and THE ELEPHANT MAN is referenced during a birthing scene to remind you that you're not watching that movie. This movie is practically trying to tell you, "Hey, don't watch me! Go watch something better!"

And yes, the subtitle DOES reference THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY, yet another superior film you could be watching...

CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 3: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SUBHUMANOID is a subhumanoid of a movie. It's shit that thinks that knowing it's shit makes it not shit. But it's still shit either way you cut it, folks. Toss this movie to the fuckin' dogs. Once again, I'll close by altering the quote on the cover, this time from Joe Bob Briggs: "The worst CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH movie... since the last CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH movie."

CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 3: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SUBHUMANOID is available on Blu-ray and DVD. Features include an intro by Lloyd Kaufman, a Lisa Gaye interview, and other stuff. – Evan Romero

Evan Romero is a regular contributor to the pages of ER and spends much of his time reading morally questionable books and watching movies no sane person would touch. He is the vocalist/bassist for the punk band Porno Holocaust (you can find them on Facebook and listen to some demos if you’re inclined). You can read more of his reviews at ReelAtrocities.com or at PopHorror.com. He last wrote about SHIN GODZILLA.

CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 3 is available from Amazon.

TROMA TUESDAY: CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 2 – SUBHUMANOID MELTDOWN (1991)

This morning I awoke to the news that the guy who co-directed THE SAUSAGE PARTY was signing on for a remake of the beloved THE TOXIC AVENGER. Though we've been down this path before, something tells me there's more merit to this reboot/remake news than previous attempts at relaunching the disfigured hero of Tromaville. One can only hope the resulting film will fare better with our own Troma scholar Evan Romero than today's Troma Tuesday entry, CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 2: SUBHUMANOID MELTDOWN...

I'll admit I'm no fan of the original CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH. While not a horrible movie, it just didn't do much to grab my attention. Well then, maybe the sequel would fare better.

Sadly, it makes the first look positively glowing.

After a recap of the original, we are informed that the Tromaville Nuclear Power Plant has been rebuilt – with the Tromaville Institute of Technology housed inside! As the school experiences a meltdown and is attacked by Tromie the radioactive squirrel, we are introduced to Roger Smith (Brick Bronsky), ace reporter with the Troma Tech Times, as he stays by the side of his beloved Victoria (Leesa Rowland), who is dying. Smith tells us of the events leading up to the catastrophe. Basically, Professor Holt (Lisa Gaye) is building a race of subhumanoids for the betterment of humanity. However, the evil Dean Okra (Scott Resnick) has far more malicious plans in store for them. Will Roger be able to stop Dean Okra and save his beloved Victoria? Should you even care

You ever caught one of those movies that tries so desperately to be funny, good, entertaining? No? Well then, give CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 2: SUBHUMANOID MELTDOWN a shot. I can guarantee your dying lawn will look far more attractive – and entertaining!

The biggest problem with this movie is exactly what Troma is known for: anarchic humor. The humor, rather ATTEMPTS at humor, is laid on so thick that it: a) drowns out what little plot there is; and, b) completely overshoots its target of Funny and lands a bullseye on Boring. There is simply way too much going on, a sensual overload that'll simply have you yawning.

Clearly, director Eric Louzil and the six – yes, SIX –  screenwriters were going for quantity over quality here. The film also displays a "hip" sensibility in that it makes constant meta-references: it knows it's a movie, and it wants YOU to know that it knows it's a movie. The problem is that it is so smug in its meta-hippery that it elicits only groans and eye-rolls, and will make you wish some REAL humor would find its way into the movie.

Amongst the film's meta moments lies the film's ONE redeeming scene: Toxie wanders onto the film and begins beating some dudes up, only to be told by a man playing the director that he's on the wrong set. Is it funny? Nope. But it WILL remind you that you're watching CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 2 as opposed to THE TOXIC AVENGER – and will hopefully inspire you to turn this dreck off and put on THE TOXIC AVENGER instead.

And I have to ask: just who in the hell thought that Brick Bronsky was leading man material? Not only does he look like a rejected fifth member of A Flock of Seagulls with that stupid haircut, but he's about as interesting to watch and listen to as a washing machine. Everything he says is delivered in the same dull monotone voice. If this is their attempt at deadpan humor, it is simply dead in the pan. Frankly, he makes Jean-Claude van Damme look like a Shakespearian actor in comparison. Van Damme is also more interesting to watch and listen to. Oh, and as an added bonus, Bronsky narrates the entire movie. Thrilling.

Overall, CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 2: SUMHUMANOID MELTDOWN needs to be nuked right off your To Watch list. After all, why would you wanna waste a perfectly good Friday night on one of Troma's mediocre efforts? In closing, I will alter the quote from The New York Times on the cover: "As riotously boring as it is truly humorless."

CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 2: SUBHUMANOID MELTDOWN is available on Blu-ray and DVD. Features include audio commentary, Lisa Gaye interview, trailers for RETURN TO NUKE 'EM HIGH: VOL. 1 and 2, and "Tromarrific exclusive content!" – Evan Romero

Evan Romero is a regular contributor to the pages of ER and spends much of his time reading morally questionable books and watching movies no sane person would touch. He is the vocalist/bassist for the punk band Porno Holocaust (you can find them on Facebook and listen to some demos if you’re inclined). You can read more of his reviews at ReelAtrocities.com or at PopHorror.com. He last wrote about THE LAST BOY SCOUT for VHS Wednesday.

CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 2: SUBHUMANOID MELTDOWN is available from Amazon.

VHS WEDNESDAY: Kickin' Off the Season with THE LAST BOY SCOUT (1991) starring Bruce Willis, Damon Wayans

There was a time – back in the early 90s – when the events of THE LAST BOY SCOUT (1991) seemed ludicrous. Entertaining, yes, but ludicrous all the same. But with each passing season and its corresponding murder convictions, suspensions for domestic abuse, PED scandals and extravagant, choreographed primetime intros, are we that far away from a player pulling a gun on another player on the field? In other words, the NFL season starts tomorrow night so it's a great night (or day) for football and Evan Romero's look at this Sleazy Sportsman Hall of Famer. Take it away Evan – with a little help from Bill Medley... 

Ah, football season. The time of year for arguments to break out on Facebook over whose team is better and for football fans to get drunk and kill each other. It happens to coincide with our Fearless Editor hitting me up and desperately begging for VHS action film reviews. "Action! Action! I need action! Bullets, explosions, manly men with manly egos doing manly things! What have ya got, Evan?" Hmmm... Football season, manly men, bullets flying, shit blowing up... "How about THE LAST BOY SCOUT?" I say. His joyful scream sounds like a wolf with ragged vocal chords attempting a falsetto. "Yes, yes! Bruce Willis! Damon Wayans! Bullets and football! Stuff goes boom! Send it on over!"

Private investigator Joe Hallenbeck (Bruce Willis) is given the task of watching an "exotic dancer," Cory (Halle Berry), who's been having some problems with some goons. Sounds pretty routine. But when Cory ends up a victim of a professional hit, Joe knows somethin' ain't right. Further investigation shows that Sheldon Marcone (Noble Willingham), owner of the L.A. Stallions, put the hit on Cory – who may have been blackmailing Marcone. Teaming up with ex-L.A. Stallions quarterback Jimmy Dix (Damon Wayans), Joe sets out to solve the murder and put the goons on the bench.

When people do the HIGH FIDELITY list shit and ask me for my Top 5 Action Movies to Watch on a Sunday Afternoon, THE LAST BOY SCOUT is amongst them. To me, the film has it all: fun heroes, despicable villains, exciting and rousing action sequences, lots of violence, one-liners aplenty, and solid comedy. Revisiting the flick after all these years, I expected to find myself jaded and on the verge of falling asleep. Nope. This film still rouses feelings in me that not even the anticipation of great sex can do. I just sit there on the edge of my seat, eyes wide and glued to the screen, spasms of elation racing through my body that make me look like a man with Parkinson's having a seizure.

Willis and Wayans are perfect in their roles. Their chemistry is so great it's hard to believe they hated working with each other and actually despised each other (so much for a sequel). And how can we forget about slimy ol' Milo, played with sleazy perfection by the late Taylor Negron? Hell, ALL the actors here, even those in bit parts, create memorable and fun characters you just can't help but love or hate. Even that "pimp-lookin' motherfucker with a hat" shines in his very brief time on screen.

The action scenes had me on the edge of my seat the entire time – even though I already knew what was coming. The final confrontation between Milo and Joe still ranks as my favorite scene, one that I often rewind and watch again. My only major gripe is that some of the violent scenes are trimmed after it was originally rated NC-17. Imagine just how bloody Milo's demise would have been had the scurvy cocksuckers at the MPAA left their hands off it! Bastards!

But the comedy is where THE LAST BOY SCOUT truly shines. It has more wit and one-liners than any action flick has a right to have and they are guaranteed to have you running to the end zone with laughter, "and then some."

THE LAST BOY SCOUT scores a touchdown in every aspect and is guaranteed to be enjoyed by all. So grab a beer (preferably a craft beer) and your football buds and check it out. I mean, it's better than going to a game and risking death at the hands of drunken, enraged fans... – Evan Romero

Evan Romero is a regular contributor to the pages of ER and spends much of his time reading morally questionable books and watching movies no sane person would touch. He is the vocalist/bassist for the punk band Porno Holocaust (you can find them on Facebook and listen to some demos if you’re inclined). You can read more of his reviews at ReelAtrocities.com or at PopHorror.com. He last wrote about THE TOXIC AVENGER PART III for Troma Tuesday.

THE LAST BOY SCOUT is available from Amazon.

VHS WEDNESDAY: AMERICAN NINJA 5 (1993) starring David Bradley and Pat Morita

After taking a few weeks off for a final vacation before school starts we're back with an all-new installment of VHS Wednesday and I hope you're enjoying these as much as I am. This review came about because longtime ER contributor Jonathan Plombon mentioned on Facebook that he was watching AMERICAN NINJA 5 and, honestly, I didn't know there was an AN5 (though I did grab copies of installments 3 and 4 at the Savers a few weeks back for a future installment of this column). Anyway, I suggested Jonathan write the flick up for my/your edification and, well, here you go. So, while we wait for AMERICAN NINJA APPRENTICE enjoy Jonathan's look at this overlooked stepchild of a classic 80s/90s action franchise. And if you have a VHS favorite you'd like to share with our readers, drop me a line at editor@dantenet.com!

In 1992, AMERICAN NINJA 5 continued that proud tradition forged by franchises like ZOMBIE or THE CURSE where a completely unrelated movie somehow becomes part of a series. It's like the child in an otherwise functional family that no one really wants, but that you have to accept because he's packaged with the wife. Not that AMERICAN NINJA 5 (originally named AMERICAN DRAGONS) is unwanted or worthy of stuffing in the basement NEVER to see the light of day. It deserves more than that-like seeing the light of day when he has to mow the lawn or wash the car.

AMERICAN NINJA 5 follows Joe Kastle (David Bradley, who kind of returns from the previous installments, but not really since he plays a totally different character because it's a totally different movie), who is assigned to babysitting a teenaged child named Hiro (Lee Reyes, the Junior National Karate Champion) by his Master Tetsun (Pat Morita, who shows up twice in the film, something that you wouldn't expect considering his placement on the box). As this is going down, Joe becomes involved with Lisa (Ann Dupont), the daughter of a scientist who has developed a powerful insecticide called ZB-12 that can be deadly to humans in large quantities. Of course, there's some curmudgeon who wants it to control the world, and off goes Joe and Hiro to brew up some child-endangering martial-arts mayhem.

You'll be seeing a lot of Hiro in this flick. He's a real modern '90s kid who would much rather play his Sega Game Gear (which is identified by name several times) than do anything physical (reminds me of myself), a position that he eventually changes when he sees how badass Joe is when he's kung-fu fighting.

The early '90s were a time when people loved to watch kids thrown in to dangerously violent situations (see 3 NINJAS and HOME ALONE). AMERICAN NINJA 5 is just another installment in the genre. Most of the time, the kids in these films are annoying, pompous brats whom the writers try to make "charming" by filling their dialog with smart-alecky remarks. And Hiro is as charming as they come. He never really gets his comeuppance, but he does cry in one scene, so you do have that to look forward to.

Along with the violence, there's also a weird theme of sexuality riddled throughout the film. For starters, Hiro is starting to notice girls and because of which, he constantly tells Joe about his new fuzzy feelings. Then an even weirder situation arises when Lisa invites Joe and Hiro over to her boat for dinner. Joe leaves Hiro alone so he can retire to the bottom of the boat to, I guess, have sex with Lisa, leaving Hiro up above to hear all the moaning for himself. All I could think about was how awkward this would be, both for Hiro and Joe, and probably Lisa, as well. Sadly, we never will find out how weird it could be since ninjas invade the boat. It's a miscue by the writers who probably should have kept the scene playing out just a little longer so the audience could really feel sick to their stomachs.

And this is the only time you could feel sick during the movie, because it's hardly graphic. If you're on the lookout for the traditional AMERICAN NINJA fare - flying fists and heads-a-poppin' - you won't find it here. This is strictly PG-13. One fighting sequence even teases a few severed fingers, only to reveal that Joe cut some fruit instead. Depressing.

It's not that this reviewer didn't care for the film. I did. It's just not the video that I want to be responsible for, checking its homework and buying it new school clothes. It's more like a great grandson that you see from time to time and although you never really know which grandson he is, you still give him a dollar and then move on to more important things like sleeping and trying to forget that you'll probably die before the next presidential election. – Jonathan Plombon

Jonathan Plombon is a longtime ER contributor and most recently wrote about WAVE Productions for ER 52 (see our store or buy at Amazon). Look for more from him in our upcoming Super-Sized 30th Anniversary Edition, coming in October!

AMERICAN NINJA 5 is available from Amazon.

VHS WEDNESDAY: THE DOGFIGHTERS (1996) starring Robert Davi, Alexander Godunov and Ben Gazzara

Robert Davi and Alexander Godunov first united on the big screen for 1988's smash hit action thriller DIE HARD. Eight years later they'd re-team – with ROAD HOUSE baddie Ben Gazzara in tow – for the slightly less popular THE DOGFIGHTERS. Mitch Lovell plunked down his two bits for a look in this week's installment of VHS Wednesday. 

Part of the fun of watching old VHS tapes is seeing the trailers that play before the main feature. On this tape we get previews for not one, but two classic films from 1996: THE SUBSTITUTE and THE ARRIVAL. Both trailers are, frankly, underwhelming and don't really hint at the awesomeness that either film contains. The trailer for THE ARRIVAL does feature a great tagline though: "Stop watching the skies and start watching your back!" Then the feature presentation begins:

Robert Davi stars as a top Navy pilot named Rowdy who loses his job when he strikes a superior officer. He then ekes out a living by running drugs in a little two-seater airplane. A shady CIA agent (Ben Gazzara) frames Rowdy for murder and blackmails him into pulling a job for him. It seems a Russian baddie (Alexander Godunov in his final film role) is building a nuclear reactor and it's up to Rowdy to shut him down.

I've always felt Davi made a better villain than hero, but THE DOGFIGHTERS (aka THE ZONE and ZONE 99: NUCLEAR TARGET) finds him playing one of his best hero roles. In his down-and-out phase he wears a bandana and sunglasses (which makes him resemble Little Steven Van Zandt from The E Street Band). Once he switches over to a suit and tie ensemble he pulls off the suave character effortlessly. There's one sequence where he eludes an assassin that is worthy of a James Bond movie. Once Davi is cornered, he jumps off a bridge, lands on a passing party boat, and emerges pouring a glass of champagne. He even raises his glass to his indignant pursuer as he's making his getaway!

It also helps enormously that Davi is given some priceless dialogue. Seriously, Schwarzenegger would be envious at some of the one-liners that our hero gets in this one. When he's flying he says stuff like "Hold on to your sphincter!" While drinking in a bar, a woman tells him he's going to trash his liver and he replies "My liver is long gone!" My favorite line came during a scene where Davi's being chased through a marketplace. He hits a guy in the face with a slab of raw meat and quips "Hope you like it rare!"

The other performers fare decently enough. Ben Gazzara can do this kind of role in his sleep, but even if he was sleepwalking through his performance (which he isn't) he'd still be fun to watch. Alexander Godunov gives one of his best performances as he fills his character with a touch of class and dignity. Even in the smallest scenes he seems totally invested, and when he's deep in thought, you can almost see the wheels turning as he's weighing his options.

Although the film gets off to a strong start, it eventually falls into a predictable pattern: Davi does some snooping around, gets surrounded by Godunov's men and has to find a way to slip out of danger. The action and stunt work is solid for the most part (like when Davi punches a bad guy out of a plane in mid-flight) and is comparable to some of the better Direct-to-Video films of the day, which helps somewhat. Even these sequences tend to get repetitive before the end credits roll. The final dogfight between Davi and Godunov is a bit of a (pardon the pun) washout, too.

THE DOGFIGHTERS was directed by Barry Zetlin, a name I thought sounded familiar. So I checked IMDB to learn that he has edited some of my favorite (and not-so favorite) horror and exploitation movies of the '80s and '90s. There are just too many titles in his filmography to list here, but if you have time, check out his IMDB page and get a load of some of the films Zetlin cut. As for his directing career, he only has one other film to his credit (the multi-director John Ritter flick MAN OF THE YEAR). It's a shame because while not perfect, THE DOGFIGHTERS is proof that he could've gone on to a reasonably solid directing career.

Now that I know Zetlin's editing background, it occurs to me that maybe he should've given the flick another pass at the editing table. The episodic nature sometimes makes it feel longer than it is (particularly in the third act). Thankfully, Davi's charismatic performance helps keep you entertained through the occasional lulls. – Mitch Lovell

Mitch Lovell is a frequent contributor to the print version of Exploitation Retrospect. He is also the editor of The Video Vacuum and author of several film books including the recent Double Vision: Hollywood vs. Hollywood. This is his first piece for the ER blog.

THE DOGFIGHTERS is available at Amazon and finer thrift stores everywhere. Unfortunately, I could not locate a trailer for THE DOGFIGHTERS for you to enjoy. However, you can go to YouTube and watch countless tv appearances in which Davi extols the virtues of a Trump Presidency.

#TBT: Take a Ride on Larry Cohen's THE AMBULANCE (1990) starring Eric Roberts from ER 39

If it's Thursday it must be time for another review ripped screaming from the pages of Exploitation Retrospect: The Original 43. This week's review was inspired by a recent viewing of the film in question by ER contributor Devin Kelly. The ensuing on-line chatter about Larry Cohen's THE AMBULANCE sent me digging for issue number 39 and my original thoughts on this underrated thriller from the mind behind such classics as PERFECT STRANGERS, Q and the IT'S ALIVE films.

Like much of the work in his checkered cinematic career, Larry Cohen's THE AMBULANCE played to few (if any) theatrical audiences before making its way to video shelves. And again, like much of his recent output (THE STUFF, RETURN TO SALEM'S LOT, ISLAND OF THE ALIVE), the inattention seems unwarranted. Not that THE AMBULANCE belongs in the upper strata of Cohen flicks occupied by BLACK CAESAR, Q and IT'S ALIVE!, but it does show the same spirited junky fun that marks all of the writer / director / producer's eclectic work.

Eric Roberts – fast becoming an ER fav – stars as a Marvel Comics cartoonist who has a chance meeting with a young woman on her way to a doctor's appointment (Jeanine Turner in a chubby-faced, pre- NORTHERN EXPOSURE role). When she collapses on the street and is whisked away by a vintage ambulance, the cartoonist goes on a mission to find her. With only her first name at his disposal, Roberts continually runs into roadblocks thrown up by hospital staff, the NYPD, and his own employer (woodenly portrayed by real-life Marvel honcho Stan Lee).

Despite initial thoughts to the contrary, the story has something to do with a nefarious scheme involving the use of diabetics as guinea pigs for a scientific/white slavery ring... but it isn't really that important. In fact, the sinister plot is visibly lacking in creepiness, one of the few knocks I can make against THE AMBULANCE. Like all of Cohen's work, the flick's strength lies in the characterization, set-ups and scenes... he continually places characters that we've grown to like to seemingly inescapable, life-ending situations.

With a strong lead turn from Roberts (also great in the dreadful FINAL ANALYSIS and the loud, brilliant BEST OF THE BEST 2) and clever supporting bits from James Earl Jones and Red Buttons, THE AMBULANCE is more fun that it has any right to be. A great beer and Macanudo fick. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and a contributor to the recently published book, KLAUS KINSKI, BEAST OF CINEMA: Critical Essays and Fellow Filmmaker Interviews (McFarland). He last wrote about MARTIAL OUTLAW for VHS Wednesday.

THE AMBULANCE is available from Amazon.

VHS WEDNESDAY: Sibling Rivalry and Spin Kicks in MARTIAL OUTLAW (1993) starring Jeff Wincott

A week ago a fellow thrifter sent me photos of a local store packed to the brim with men's action novels featuring The Executioner, The Death Merchant, The Destroyer, Able Team, Phoenix Force and more. When I got there the next day I scooped up a few dozen titles but not before almost passing out at the sheer volume of low-budget VHS action that had also been dropped on the shelves. After breaking out in a cold sweat and initially filling my cart with about 30 tapes I collected myself and whittled the pile down to a half-dozen. Surviving the cut was this week's VHS Wednesday outing, the Kung-Fu Kane and Abel tale MARTIAL OUTLAW from director Kurt Anderson. Oh, by the way, that Troegs Nimble Giant pictured at right with the counter card that came with the VHS tape is awesome.

"We're not ever gonna be even!"

Do you have a brother? Does he bust your chops about your job? Your clothes? The gifts you buy his wife? Do you ever feel like sucker punching him in the nuts and/or doing a spinning kick that lands on his stupid face?

Then 1993's MARTIAL OUTLAW is the movie for you!

Jeff Wincott (the superb DEADLY BET, WHEN THE BULLET HITS THE BONE) stars as DEA agent Kevin White, an ass-kicking, by-the-book Fed who is set to crack a drug ring run by Rachenko (Vladimir Skomarovsky), a former KGB agent hiding his operations behind an import/export business. White plants an informant on the inside by offering him his own grocery store (!) and follows the trail down to Los Angeles.

Unfortunately, his trek to the City of Angels brings about an awkward family reunion with his older brother Jack (Gary Hudson), his alcoholic father (Richard Jaeckel), and Jack's wife Lori (Krista Errickson) who may or may not be harboring a flame for her brother-in-law.

Complicating matters is Jack's preponderance for operating on both sides of the law and it isn't long before he sees a payday from the Russians as his ticket out of town. (Yes, Jack is a complete dick who can't wait to leave his boozy pop and perky wife behind, screwing up his brother's big case in the process.)

It might come as a bit of a surprise that it required five writers to come up with MARTIAL OUTLAW'S story, especially since the last half of the flick can basically be summarized as "battling brothers kick Russian mob ass". Wincott is perfectly serviceable as the spin-kicking good guy while Hudson's smarmy bad boy demeanor (also on display in the great ROAD HOUSE) makes you simultaneously root for him and against him.

Most of the fights (courtesy of choreographer Jeff Pruitt) are nothing you haven't seen before, though the "Russian Circle" segment in which Kevin beats the shit out of about 30 guys using barbells, free weights, sticks and more is certainly the flick's action highlight.

Bonus points for Al (Endo) Leong, giant cell phones, a beefy Russian henchman who looks like Martin Kove, car wash subterfuge, Kevin's ugly shooting range sweater and lines like "Who am I? I'm the guy that's gonna nail your ass!" delivered with stone-faced sincerity.

The Republic video VHS includes trailers for INFESTED (aka TICKS) with Seth Green and Clint Howard and the jaw-dropping TERMINATOR rip-off APEX which immediately went on my radar. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and has a healthy relationship with his two older brothers. He last wrote about the excruciating NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET for Throwback Thursday.

MARTIAL OUTLAW is available at Amazon and finer thrift stores everywhere.

TROMA TUESDAY: SGT. KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D. (1990) directed by Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman

We're back with another installment of Troma Tuesday here at the ER blog! And lest anybody think that Evan Romero has a thing about murdering Troma flicks with his reviews, here's his take on – gasp! – a PG-13 Troma flick that works? Yeah, I don't believe it either but since the flick in question is currently free with my Amazon Prime membership I might just take a look.

A PG-13 Troma flick. Let that sink in for a minute. Yes, I'm certain your mind is filled with visions of the apocalypse, of civilizations falling, of the sun going supernova and eviscerating our galaxy. Well, calm your tits 'cause it's nowhere near as bad as it sounds. Come now, let us go fight some crime (and shitty movies) with SGT. KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D.

Detective Harry Griswold (Rick Gianiasi) is investigating the murder of two kabuki performers by a goon employed by Reginald Stuart (Bill Weedon). While watching the show the murdered performers were supposed to star in, a shoot-out occurs – during which Griswold is selected to become Kabukiman, the man who will harness the spirit of kabuki and defend the world against evil. Griswold must now learn to harness his new powers while bringing Stuart and his goons to justice - as well as preparing for a battle with The Evil One, who is set to return to Earth! Will justice prevail? Or will evil reign throughout the land?

Okay, so you're probably wondering just how funny a PG-13 Troma flick can be. The answer: pretty damn funny. Unlike some Troma movies where the comedy – comedy that's usually anarchic and not funny – overshadows the plot, SGT. KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D. achieves a perfect balance: the slapstick/goofy humor is here, but not at the expense of plot / story. You can actually get invested in it.

About the only thing the PG-13 rating affects is the level of gore. Sure, it's here, but it is toned down drastically in comparison to Troma's usual unhinged and over-the-top fare. But the fact that a Troma film can be enjoyed without the characteristic gore is a testament to how much attention the filmmakers put into other aspects of the production. And it pays off.

What helps the production achieve the level it does is in large part due the performances of the actors and actresses. Sure, we're not gonna get award-winning material here, but the characters are interesting and fleshed out enough and the performers invest their roles with energy and charm. Much of the comedy would have fallen flat were it not for them. The standout performances come from Rick Gianiasi and Nobel Lee Lester, who plays "Capt. Bender." Those two have great chemistry and generate many laughs when they appear on screen together. The scene when Bender confronts Griswold, who is dressed in full clown regalia, about his behavior is pure comedic gold.

Oh, and for those fans wondering where the footage of Troma's famous "car crash" came from, SGT. KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D. is the answer.

Overall, SGT. KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D. ranks as one of Troma's best productions. It's too bad the Kabukiman character couldn't have gotten his own series like Toxie because seeing his further adventures would have been a treat. Regardless, we'll always have this one movie to throw in anytime we wanna see a man in kabuki dress fighting crime with heat-seeking chopsticks, fatal sushi, and pyro parasols. Go watch it now before The Evil One returns...

SGT. KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D. is available on Blu-ray and DVD. Features include an interview with Rick Gianiasi, a full episode of KABUKIMAN'S COCKTAIL CORNER, audio commentary and much more. – Evan Romero

Evan Romero is a regular contributor to the pages of ER and spends much of his time reading morally-questionable books and watching movies no sane person would touch. He is the vocalist/bassist for the punk band Porno Holocaust (you can find them on Facebook and listen to some demos if you’re inclined). You can read more of his reviews at ReelAtrocities.com or at PopHorror.com. He last wrote about THE BIBLE BELT SLASHER PT. II: THE HOLY TERROR for Slasher Friday.

SGT. KABUKIMAN NYPD is available from Amazon.

2015 Watch List and a Happy 2016 Filled with Trash and Sleaze

The other day I came to a conclusion... I had done a crappy job of keeping track of my movie watching in 2015. Despite a strong start to catalog my wallowing in the cinesludge, somewhere around oh movie #12 I stopped updating my spreadsheet and fell into a deep sinematic funk.

But, thanks to piles of notes, social media posts and streaming services that track my activity, I was able to cobble together what is a completely incomplete snapshot of my 2015 Movie Watching. As expected, the list features numerous anthology flicks (due to the upcoming issue of ER) and documentaries (which are easy to flip on in the background while I work).

What's surprisingly missing are re-visits with old favorites like RE-ANIMATOR, FROM BEYOND, DEMONS, HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH and LIFEFORCE, so I clearly anticipate catching up with all of them over the coming months.

Having just pulled this list together I won't impulsively pick out a Top 10 Favorites as I often do but I will make a note to swing back around in the next week and highlight some flicks that entertained me in what was an unmotivated year.

Here's hoping your 2016 is safe, happy, healthy and filled with all the action, sleaze, gore and horror you wish!

[REC]3

[REC]4
30 FOR 30: TROJAN WAR
A CHRISTMAS DETOUR
ALTERED STATES
AN HONEST LIAR
ATARI: GAME OVER
BACK ISSUES: THE HUSTER MAGAZINE STORY
BATMAN: ASSAULT ON ARKHAM
BIG HERO 6
BLOODSPORT
BRAIN DAMAGE
CANNIBAL FEROX
CHANNEL 13
THE DAMNED: DON'T YOU WISH THAT WE WERE DEAD
DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
DEADTIME STORIES
DEATH BY VHS
DIRE WOLF
DISASTER ON THE COASTLINER
ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
ELVES
ENEMIES CLOSER
THE EQUALIZER
FAST 7
FRANKENSTEIN'S ARMY
FUTURE JUSTICE
GODZILLA 1985
GONE WITH THE POPE
THE GOOD DINOSAUR
GOON
HI-8
HOMEFRONT
HORROR OF PARTY BEACH
HOUSE THAT DRIPPED BLOOD
HOW TO SAVE US
INSIDE/OUT
ISIS RISING: CURSE OF THE LADY MUMMY
ISLAND OF THE LIVING DEAD
JACK REACHER
JOHN WICK
JUNK FOOD HORRORFEST
KRAMPUS: THE RECKONING
LIFE ITSELF
LOST SOUL
MARTIN
MASSACRE MAFIA STYLE
THE MINION
NEAR DARK
NEVER LAKE
NIGHT OF THE DEMONS
NIGHT TERRORS
NIGHTFALL
NIGHTHAWKS
THE OCTAGON
OUT OF FOCUS
PIRANHA 2: THE SPAWNING
QUARANTINE
QUARANTINE 2: TERMINAL
RAGE
RISE OF THE BLACK BAT
SCAREWAVES
SCOOBY-DOO & KISS: ROCK & ROLL MYSTERY
THE SHIEK
SHOCK VALUE
SILENT RAGE
SPECTRE
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE
STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI
STAR WARS: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS
SUPERSTITION
TALES FROM THE CRYPT
TERROR VISION
TORTURE GARDEN
THE UNLIVING
VAULT OF HORROR
WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU
THE WRECKING CREW
ZOMBIES: THE BEGINNING

PUPPET MASTER 4: WHEN BAD PUPPETS TURN GOOD (1993)

"Rick Myers... your must animate The Decapitron."

The legacy of Full Moon really does start with the Puppet Master series, and PUPPET MASTER 4 (aka PUPPET MASTER 4: THE DEMON) has finally found its way to Blu-Ray in a nice new transfer to join forces with the first box set that contained the original trilogy of tiny terrors.

As someone that truly looked forward to these films when they first appeared in the late 80s and early 90s, Jeff Burr's third sequel holds a special place in my heart because I was working as a purchaser for a small video store chain at the time and was totally gobsmacked by the hype train Charles Band and crew were building not just for a fan base, but for retailers as well. As a full-time film nerd and lifelong comic collector, the Puppet Master series – in my mind – really started to become more amazing than ever when PM4 was announced. Anyone could do a low-budget trilogy (well, not ANYONE, but Band made it look easy), and the series starts strong and has a great third entry that takes us back to the early years of Toulon and crew... but where do you go when you've done a "secret origins" issue? Why, to the netherworld of a giant angry puppet, where else?

What makes PUPPET MASTER 4 even more exciting – especially when it was first released – was that Jeff Burr, the director of the anthology of excellence, THE OFFSPRING, was really the numbers champion of the time, having already banged out the worthy STEPFATHER II, PUMPKINHEAD II: BLOOD WINGS and the criminally underrated and shockingly surviving post-production dissection LEATHERFACE: TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3. Every flyer that came packed in my ordering materials had me foaming at the mouth.

Now we have a lot of time and distance to look back at the films and, for me, PUPPET MASTER 4: WHEN BAD PUPPETS TURN GOOD (according to the Full Moon screening materials) holds up really well. When dodgy CGI would overtake low-budget off Hollywood films it put me through a ringer that makes me enjoy David Allen and team's puppet work even more now. Sure, it's puppets and they aren't exactly the most animated ones at that, but each has a personality, and Allen even brings in some zippy new action as not only the giant monster is charming, but also his Blind Dead with Bug Eyed Acolytes and some new puppet Totems appear to have some gory fun.

So this time around, we skip back to post-PUPPET MASTER PART 2 and head on back to the Bodega Bay Inn as a goofy and obviously brilliant researcher named Rick Myers works on a project concerning artificial life. Fate must have smacked him in the head (or the rather large horde of writers on the film all agreed it was the only way to make sense of this) because Blade is just kind of sitting there in the background watching. A mysterious government operation called Phoenix Division is also working on the project, but after a totem is dropped on them from the netherworld of Lord Sutekh, the bug eyed beast from below, it's obvious that the original Puppet Master, Andre Toulon, was into some nasty mojo.

Seems Sutekh wants his magic back and young Rick is about to find the only allies he can find. They are hard, they are stiff, they tunnel and pummel and slice and shoot... THE PUPPETS ARE FOUND! THE PUPPETS ARE BACK! And they are, kind of nice. Heck, they even play a game of laser tag. I shit you not, friends... But it ain't all happy times when Rick has some friends (and one amazing performance of "late 80s/early 90s science team asshole with perma-stuck hair" by Ash Adams as the douchey CAM character) to the old Puppet stable and Sutekh comes calling. Toss in a beautiful (and I mean hubbahubba I wish I had more of her in the film) psychic played by Teresa Hill and it's hell meets technology meets underworld bulgy muscles and eyes in a Puppet Arena Battle Showdown Deathmatch. And there is a new puppet... DECAPITRON! Say it out loud. You smiled there, didn't you?

At under 80 minutes the film plays fast and is never boring. It manages to add a bunch of new elements that distinguish it from the horror stylings of the first two and the backstory shoehorning of the third into a totally unique – and very Full Moon – production. If may be a selling point or insult to you but this is my definition of a good "comic book" film. You can pick up here if you want or enjoy the layered connected story bits from previous films, but never once will you be stuck wondering why things happen or what is going on. Because, you know, if you can pull off DECAPITRON you can certainly pull off a bunch of semi-animated puppets playing laser tag!

A must have for enthusiasts and another HD entry in one of the fundamentally Full Moon series'. Now, we need to get PUPPET MASTER 5 out fast, for it is more Burr, more of these characters and you even have a bonus of SUPERFLY himself – Ron O'Neal – as a detective.

Toulon is truly with us, always... PUPPET MASTER. – David Zuzelo

David Zuzelo is a tireless mangler of media whose story Ascension of the Black Death was recently published in Heavy Metal magazine. He writes the Tomb It May Concern blog and is a frequent contributor to the Exploitation Retrospect blog and magazine. Look for more from David in issue 53 (out later this year). And, for more on the Puppet Master Series, check out our review of the series box set featuring the first seven movies in the direct-to-video horror franchise.

PUPPET MASTER 4 is available from Full Moon Direct.

31 DAYS OF FRIGHT: That Time Scooby and the Gang Fought Real Monsters

While the recently reviewed SCOOBY-DOO AND THE RELUCTANT WEREWOLF magnified the original show's comedic roots and matchedthem with the absurdist elements often typical of Hanna-Barbera fare, 1998's SCOOBY-DOO ON ZOMBIE ISLAND turned those roots upside down and thankfully ditched ancillary characters like annoying nephew Scrappy and non-Velma galpal Googie while reuniting the old gang in the process.

Tired of chasing down spooks only to uncover hologram projectors and bad guys in masks, the Mystery, Inc. gang has gone their separate ways. Shaggy (voiced by one-time Howard Stern regular Billy West) and Scooby are customs inspectors, Velma owns a bookstore specializing in mysteries ('natch), and Daphne (with the help of cameraman/producer Fred) is an investigative journalist with a syndicated television show. When she announces her plan to track down and chronicle real supernatural events, Fred gets everybody back together for a road trip that takes them deep into the Louisiana bayou.

The first of more than twenty direct-to-video movies that capitalized upon and eventually boosted renewed interest in the property, ZOMBIE ISLAND not only features a palatable 77-minute running time but also introduced famous (or somewhat famous) actors in supporting roles. (The latest video adventure finds the gang teaming up with KISS to solve a rock and roll mystery in what is basically an animated sequel to KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM.)

Frustrated by a familiar parade of charlatans and paranormal hoaxes (set to a tune that gently mocks the original series), the reunited Mystery, Inc. end up as guests of Lena (Tara Charendoff) and Simone (Adrienne Barbeau), the cook and proprietor of a resort on isolated Moonscar Island. Built upon the grounds of an old hot pepper plantation (cue whacky hot sauce gags), the site is haunted by a ghostly pirate, roamed by zombies that are far more than simple animatronic spooks, and inhabited by a couple of moon-worshipping cat creatures intent on sucking the lifeforce from our heroes.

As the ZOMBIE ISLAND trailer promises, "this time the monsters are REAL!" and the gang soon find themselves up to their necks in ghostly messages, levitating Velmas, bayou zombies and voodoo dolls. Oh sure, there are the de rigeur Scooby-Doo elements such as the multiple red herrings (including Mark Hammil as woogy-eyed swamp fisherman Snakebite Scruggs) and the outrageous eating disorders of both Shaggy and Scooby, but the script by Glenn Leopold (who co-wrote the 1981 slasher THE PROWLER!) leans a bit more on the supernatural elements and gets downright spooky at times with monstrous transformations, pirate massacres and disembodied moans I had to promise to turn down during a recent screening.

In other words, it's no surprise that to this day my daughter refuses to watch ZOMBIE ISLAND after an initial viewing that gave her nightmares and led to a brief but strict Scooby-Doo moratorium.

Alas, after SCOOBY-DOO AND THE WITCH'S GHOST (featuring Tim Curry) and SCOOBY-DOO AND THE ALIEN INVADERS (in which visiting aliens dress up like hippies thanks to 1960s television shows) the remaining direct-to-video movies have resorted to more familiar territory complete with faux phantoms and thieving carnies.

Scooby and the gang return to Cartoon Network in the series 'Be Cool, Scooby-Doo' (see trailer below) in which the recent high school grads live it up while encountering monsters and mayhem. No word on whether those monsters will be real or of the "greedy scientist masquerading as a Mayan cat creature" variety, but the show definitely features a new take on the trademark animation – critics have compared to a 'Family Guy' cutaway gag – and apparently ditches the relationships and serial story arc format that highlighted the recent 'Mystery, Inc.' show. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor and publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and has watched more Scooby-Doo in the last 6 years than any grown man should admit. Be sure to catch all the 31 Days of Fright posts by following ER on Facebook and liking ER on Twitter.

Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island is available from Amazon. 

THE MINION (1998)

“You’re a long way from home, stranger.”

Not to be confused with this summer’s blockbuster starring the little yellow dudes from the DESPICABLE ME flicks, this MINION is actually a slice of pre-aughts Millenniumsploitation starring Dolph Lundgren as a member of the Knights Templar.

Charged with the sacred task of keeping the Anti-Christ locked up in a bottomless prison at their stronghold, the Templars must spring into action when some NYC sewer workers unearth the key to said prison on the eve of the new millennium. So Lukas (Dolph) heads to the city that never sleeps and begins punching people in the head with a big spiked glove that is supposed to kill the titular minion.

Unfortunately, the minion won’t rest until its master is free and when Lukas kills a demon-possessed cop it sends him and a sexy archaeologist (Francoise Robertson) on the run.

Jean Marc Piche – making his first feature film outing – delivers a sorta lazy actioner that’s never as much fun as something with Dolph Lundgren as a priest punching people in the head with a spiked glove should be.

Bonus points, though, for a TERMINATOR-inspired police station assault. – Dan Taylor

THE MINION is available from Amazon.

Batter Up! Slash, Dash and BILLY CLUB Bash with the Evil Monks of Cinesludge

Baseball may be over but it's always Slasher Season for the Evil Monks of Cinesludge!

In the latest episode, David Zuzelo of TOMB IT MAY CONCERN and I wax nostalgic about our discovery of and love for the much-maligned slasher genre and even offer up a list of some of the genre faves we return to again and again and again. (Hint: None of them are HALLOWEEN flicks and at least three include Edmund Purdom... THREE!)

Plus, we take a largely spoiler-free look at the newly-minted-but-feels-like-the-90s baseball-themed slasher neo-classic BILLY CLUB, in which a tormented tween comes back to wreak havoc on the Little Leaguers whose hijinks landed him in the loony bin. Where they appear to have no intramural baseball team.

So grab some stale popcorn, an overpriced beverage and your nail-filled Louisville slugger and listen in as two HorrorDads take a break from their daily routine to chat about their favorite cinematic comfort food.

Cinesludge: The Mangled Media Podcast is available via Cinesludge.podbean.com as well as on iTunes.

If you have any questions for the Evil Monks, comment below or drop us a line at editor@dantenet.com and we'll be happy to answer them in an upcoming episode.

For the latest Cinesludge news and giveaways, be sure to like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter via @CinesludgeMedia.

31 Days of Fright: Slashers, Sleaze and Losing My Milligan Virginity, or, An Exhumed Horrorthon VIII Recap

For the last eight years, the holidays have arrived early here at ER HQ. And no, I don't mean Christmas or Thanksgiving – though I do love the opportunities they present to eat, drink and gather with family and friends (and maybe even offer up some Holiday Horrors).

No, I'm talking about Halloween, or, more precisely, the annual Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horrorthon. Launched back in 2007 to celebrate the DelVal film group's 10th anniversary, they have treated (and occasionally tricked) us with eight 'round-the-clock cinefests designed to delight, shock, scare and enthrall us... and 2014's edition was no exception. (For more on Exhumed VIII including some live sound check out Cinesludge episode 3.)

After spending Friday evening handing out hundreds of pieces of candy – and winning the pumpkin carving contest – at my daughter's grade school Boo Bash (think Trunk or Treat held inside), I downed a few beers and hit the hay to embrace the last sleep I'd get until late Sunday afternoon. With Horrorthon partner-in-crime Bruce Holecheck (of Cinema Arcana) along for the ride we made our way to Philly, ditched the car in the over-priced hotel garage, though secure in the knowledge it would be there for a quick, painless departure the next day.

Our approach to the show has changed over the years. The first year was truly uncharted territory and friends called us "crazy" for going. Until we reported back how fun the event was and, oh yeah, that we saw PIECES, BURIAL GROUND, DEMONS and PHANTASM – just to name a few – on the big screen. I remember drinking gargantuan amounts of coffee and Mt. Dew that first year and stashing a small pizza under my seat for late nite noshing.

These days my "go bag" is packed with bottles of water, Cliff Bars and 100 calorie packets of roasted almonds for when hunger hits at an inopportune time. Even my beloved Wawa Italian hoagie has been replaced with a chicken salad sandwich on rye with bacon and I drink more water than coffee. But it certainly paid off this year as the urge to doze was far less frequent and I only snuck out for fresh air and caffeine twice, but more on that later.

The pre-show line is always fun as you end up chatting with the folks around you about the event's secret lineup – films are not announced in advance and a program (and ballot) with vague clues is your only insight into what's in store. After seven years of pathetic shots in the dark I've given up on making guesses and handed my ballot over to Bruce. I've seen a lot (A LOT) of movies in my day, but I don't possess an encyclopedic knowledge of obscure gore and insane slashers... plus, I tend to convince myself that every clue is really going to finally for reals mean a showing of a beloved flick like LIFEFORCE, BLOODSUCKING FREAKS or NIGHT OF THE CREEPS.

Quick "hellos" to pals like Doc Terror and Chuck Francisco complete, we're in our seats for announcements (Most Important: No talking! This isn't your living room and, despite what you may think, you're not a writer for MST3K.) and door prizes, anxiously awaiting the first of – gulp – 15 flicks over the next 24 hours and change.

1. THE KEEP (1983)
Previous fests have typically launched with more of a straight horror flick, so this atmospheric slice of WWII horror/sci-fi from writer/director Michael Mann was a bit of a departure. I hadn't seen THE KEEP since the days when it played PRISM (Philly's local movie/sports pay cable channel) but I remembered it had a rocky road to the big screen and online reports suggest that about half its original running time was chopped for theatrical release. While the studio interference certainly shows, the cast is great, the Tangerine Dream score is haunting and brought to mind Mann's MANHUNTER, and it features a somewhat good guy-esque role for the usually villainous Jurgen Prochnow. Available on what looks like a grey market DVD.

2. BLACK MAGIC (1975)
Martial arts star Ti Lung headlines this 1975 Shaw Brothers classic complete with battling magicians, countless potions, erect talisman, a supporting German Shepherd and rice-encased privates. A rich schemer sets her eyes on a young, engaged engineer and hires a sinister magician to cast a love spell. Followed a year later by the even crazier sequel, BLACK MAGIC 2 (aka REVENGE OF THE ZOMBIES). Available on DVD.

3. GODZILLA'S REVENGE (1969)
I vaguely recall having seen this kiddie-oriented Godzilla flick when it aired on UHF back in the 1970s, but doubt I've seen it since. A latchkey kid daydreams of trips to Monster Island, where Godzilla lives with his son Minira and a bevy of other kaiju critters. The kids and a subplot about some bank robbers are a little annoying but even recycled Godzilla flick footage is a treat on the big screen. The flick's moral seems to be that the path to happiness is fighting and pulling pranks, and that just seems odd. Available on DVD.

4. LEATHERFACE: TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3 (1990)
I've never been a fan of Tobe Hooper's over-the-top, Cannon-financed sequel, much preferring Jeff Burr's take on the family of cannibal killers roaming the dark back roads of the Lone Star State. Featuring Viggo Mortensen, Ken Foree and Kate Hodge in her first starring role, LEATHERFACE is a perfect example of late 80s/early 90s horror cinema, complete with dated styles, quippy dialogue, a hard rock soundtrack (Laaz Rocket!) and – unfortunately – harsh MPAA cuts to achieve an R rating. Still, even when neutered this is a fast-paced and occasionally harrowing minor classic. Available on DVD with R-rated and Unrated versions.

5. BLUE MONKEY (1987)
Each Exhumed Horrorthon contains at least a couple flicks I simply never, ever expected to see on the big screen. This year featured several of those "Whoa!" moments, the first of which was William Fruet's 1987 paean to the big bug monster flicks of the Atomic Era (reviewed on our website many years ago). An innocent finger prick ends up producing a monstrous bug – thanks to a growth agent added by some too cute kids – and it's up to off-duty cop Jim Bishop (Steve Railsback) to save the day with the help of an ER doc and her entomologist pal. Shifting effortlessly between comedy, action and goo-drenched horror, BLUE MONKEY also features SCTV regulars Joe Flaherty and Robin Duke as comic relief and a pre-teen Sarah Polley (DAWN OF THE DEAD remake) as one of the kids. Available on VHS only.

6. PET SEMATARY (1989)
The Stephen King novel that inspired this stiff, stagey flick may have been the last book I read from the prolific author – and I recall not being able to put it down. Maybe that's why I've never warmed up to this adaptation and always preferred the way over-the-top sequel featuring Clancy Brown as the world's craziest living dead sheriff. At least that flick knows what it is and embraces it... PET SEMATARY wants to be taken seriously (Dale Midkiff is ponderous as the lead) while its attempts at horror produce more titters than terror. Sometimes, Wawa is better and once I was sure we were getting this overrated entry I made my way down the street for coffee and fresh air, knowing I'd get back in time for the meat of the flick and that killer title tune from the Ramones that plays over the end credits. "I don't wanna be buried... in a pet cemetery..." Available on Blu-Ray and DVD.

7. THE GATE 2 (1990)
The festival's 80s block comes to a conclusion with Tibor Takacs' follow-up to his 1987 metal-and-monsters original (which opened the 2012 Horrorthon). Louis Tripp returns as Terry, the metal-loving teen intent on giving another go at conjuring the demons that emerged from the titular gate in his friend's backyard years earlier. When he's joined by a trio of delinquents, they find themselves able to grant wishes... until it all turns (literally) to shit. Co-star/love interest Pamela Adlon (billed here as Pamela Seagall) went on to a prolific career as a voiceover actor, even winning an Emmy for her work as Bobby Hill on the beloved KING OF THE HILL. "All sloppy... and no joe." Available on VHS only.

8. LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET (1977)
With the Horrothon nearing its halfway point, the tone shifted dramatically from the more innocent late 80s/early 90s to the dank, dark and dangerous 1970s thanks to the very "WTF?!" LAST HOUSE ON DEAD END STREET, an orgy of sleaze and violence that makes Wes Craven's LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT look like a Disney flick. Directing as Victor Janos and starring under the name Steven Harrison, gutter auteur Roger Watkins packs this surreal head-scratcher with images of sex and pseudo-snuff that put it miles ahead of similarly "controversial" flicks like SNUFF. I'd be hard pressed to synopsize LAST HOUSE but suffice it to say that it kept the audience in stunned silence for its mercifully short running time (and I mean that in the best way possible). Available on DVD.

9. GURU THE MAD MONK (1970)
To be frank, I'm not sure exactly what could provide an adequate palette-cleanser after the sensory onslaught of DEAD END STREET, but this Andy Millgan "period piece" was probably as good a choice as any. Surprisingly, despite wallowing in the cinemuck for 40 years (?!) I have never had the "pleasure" of watching an Andy Milligan film. Oh sure, I've read about his work in everything from FILM THREAT to SLEAZOID EXPRESS, but I never pulled the trigger on one of his polarizing, anachronistic epics. As Bruce put it while the credits rolled, "it's like a filmed stage play put on by insane people". I'm not sure I can do GURU more justice than that – and I'm not sure I'll be seeking out more Milligan in the future – but I'm glad I can finally say that I'm no longer a Milligan virgin. Available on DVD.

10. BOG (1983)
Looking every bit like it was filmed in the 1970s – because it was! – BOG has the dubious distinction of being the one flick that desperately wanted to seduce me into a late night snooze. I wasn't sure if it was the timeslot or the movie itself (Bruce insisted on the latter), but BOG's long takes, geriatric love story and deliberate pacing kept wanting me to accept sleep's sweet embrace. "Be gone, harlot!," my brain screamed as I fought to stay awake and cross the threshold from that dangerous 2 AM to 5 AM slot into the sinematic homestretch. And once BOG's creature was defeated – or was it? – I got a second (or, perhaps, third) wind. Available on DVD.

11. MOTHER'S DAY (1980)
People have asked me if the Exhumed Horrorthon features breaks to grab dinner, use the bathroom or simply stretch your legs from the International House's not quite comfortable seating. And while the answer used to be a qualified "yes", recent years have seen the show feature little more than five to ten minutes of trailers jammed between flicks. In other words, just enough time to use the john, grab a smoke or hike down to the nearby Wawa for a sandwich and coffee. Naturally, it's wise to wait and see what film begins next, so when the trailer reel after BOG suggested that the "satirical" horror on tap was from the folks at Troma, I waited with bated breath. Was this the year that my beloved BLOODSUCKING FREAKS would finally appear on that big ol' screen? Or, was it going to be a more likely candidate such as the mean-spirited, though at times intentionally funny, MOTHER'S DAY. Unfortunately, it ended up being the latter so I waited through the opening 20 minutes or so and ducked out for some invigorating 5 AM in Philly air, returning in just enough time to see the trio of gals from the "Rat Pack" take their revenge on mama and her boys. Available on Blu-Ray and DVD.

12. HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT 2 (1987)
The homestretch of any Exhumed Horrorthon is always dicey. At that point you've fought off sleep, rounded the corner towards home, gotten your xth wind and can kinda see that finish line. But will you sprint across, propelled by the power of LADY TERMINATOR, THE CHILDREN, PIRANHA and RE-ANIMATOR (a la 2009) or be dragged kicking and screaming like 2011's quartet of BLOOD DINER, THE BURNING, MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE and MEET THE FEEBLES? (Full disclosure, that was the only year I actually left the event before the last film was over, embracing a hazy ride home over Peter Jackson's ho-hum puppet flick.) This year's closing quartet definitely delivered the goods, kicked off by this supernatural – and in my opinion – superior sequel to the more ballyhooed original (recently reviewed by Chuck Francisco). Barbecued prom queen Mary Lou Maloney possesses the body of good girl Vicki Carpenter (who may be afraid of what's happening to her but isn't afraid of some full frontal nudity) and even sets her sights on former beau Billy Nordham (Michael Ironside), now the school's principal and the father of Vicki's boyfriend. This flick is absolutely 80s and absolutely one of my underrated faves, though I can't believe there are two more PROM NIGHT flicks! Available on DVD.

13. NIGHTMARE AT SHADOW WOODS (1987)
Probably better known under the title BLOOD RAGE (which apparently sports a different cut of the film), SHADOW WOODS is a rare Holiday Horror set on Thanksgiving. Set off by seeing his mother (Louise Lasser) hook up at the drive-in, a young boy murders another patron with an axe and promptly blames his twin brother, who gets locked away for the crime. Fast forward to Thanksgiving night when the locked up (but innocent) brother escapes from the mental facility and mom announces her engagement to Brad the apartment complex manager. Evil twin Terry – now a college student – is set off by the announcement and begins butchering his way through friends, family and hospital staff sent to retrieve his brother. Never quite by the numbers, SHADOW WOODS benefits from performances by the quirky Lasser and Mark Soper (as both of the a bit bonkers brothers), plentiful gore, some nudity, early 80s fashion crimes (it was filmed in 1983 but not released until 1987) and a script that isn't afraid to repeatedly use a blood/cranberry sauce gag. I'd love to see this obscure gem get a nice release. Available on VHS.

14. KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS (1977)
I still remember my skin crawling when I watched this NIGHT GALLERY-worthy tale of aggressive spiders attacking a remote Arizona town when it hit UHF back in the late 1970s. And unlike some horrors of the period, KINGDOM holds up extremely well, benefitted greatly by a top-notch B-cast headlined by William Shatner, Woody Strode and David McLean. Shatner – as veterinarian Rack Hansen – never overdoes it as the horseback riding hero and the whole cast plays the grim tale straight. The final shot is haunting and reminds you of a time when ending horror flicks on a down note was a-ok. Available on DVD.

15. NIGHT OF THE CREEPS (1986)
"Thrill me." I've been waiting almost 30 years to see Det. Cameron (Tom Atkins in a movie-stealing performance) utter those words on the big screen and the wait was totally worth it. Part of a personal 80s Trinity that also includes RE-ANIMATOR and DEMONS, NIGHT OF THE CREEPS remains one of my favorite horror films ever made and – for me, at least – one of the few horror-comedies that deftly juggles exploding heads and one-liners with equal aplomb. I rated it five stars upon seeing the VHS back in the 80s and it ranks that high to this day. And, thanks to the guys at Exhumed Films, I can cross another masterpiece off my Theatrical Bucket List. Available on Blu-Ray and DVD.

So there you have it – a quickie recap of a great event featuring one of the most solid Horrorthon lineups to date. Kudos to the entire Exhumed Films crew who bring together a great annual event that comes off almost seamlessly, though I know that there are probably plenty of hiccups along the way.

I just have one request for next year or the next or even the next. BLOOD! SUCKING! FREAKS! In the meantime I suppose I can settle for the new Blu-Ray...!