31 DAYS OF FRIGHT: Golly Mom, Don't Be Such a Pooper

It's been 20 or more years since I've watched the original version of THE STEPFORD WIVES and I've never seen any of the sequels (REVENGE OF THE STEPFORD WIVES, THE STEPFORD HUSBANDS), spoofs (THE BREASTFORD WIVES) or the 2004 remake with Matthew Broderick and Nicole Kidman. But thanks to its familiarity as pop culture shorthand, even the most rudimentary knowledge of the backstory is all you'll need to enjoy the trash-lite made-for-TV schlock of THE STEPFORD CHILDREN.

Like Ira Levin's WIVES source novel (written for the screen by William Goldman), CHILDREN features a family moving to the quiet little town of Stepford, Connecticut. Thanks to the late 80s setting, the high school-aged kids are cast as new wave miscreants, complete with a (gasp!) denim vest on David (Randall Batinkoff) and giant Jersey mall hair on Mary (Tammy Lauren of WISHMASTER), who hangs with a group of "punks" straight out of a DEATH WISH sequel casting call. Fed up with the noise and crime of the city - not to mention David's need to drink milk straight from the carton! - Dad (Don Murray) packs everybody off to his old hometown where his first wife died 18 years earlier.

Initially, Mom (Barbara Eden) is on board with the plan and even chastises the kids for being so selfish and hurting their father's feelings about the move. But she's no blonde bimbo and it isn't long before things like the school's lack of a PTA and the robotic non-personalities of the town's women and children start to raise her suspicions.

Naturally, Dad is quick to reunite with his buddies in the Stepford Mens' Association, including Lawrence Danton (Richard Anderson aka TV's Oscar Goldman) and former football star Dick Butkus, cast here as basketball coach Tom Wilcox. Anderson is suitably sinister as the organization's mastermind, pressuring Dad to keep wifey and kids in line... lest we have a repeat of that nastiness from 18 years ago.

Like I said, a little familiarity with the Stepford storyline goes a long way and the first hour takes its good old time getting going. You know why all the kids are polite, robotic creeps and all the moms are cheerful sex toys for their hubbies. But once David, his rebellious galpal Lois (Debbie Barker) and Mary crash the dance and short-circuit the teen robots with their rock and roll, the pace quickens. Lois' escape from her father's clutches goes awry, a rush job on Mary's "replacement" goes haywire and it's up to Jeanie, er, Mom and David to save the day.

I wish the copy I got my hands on was of a little better quality, especially during the final scenes when Mom and the kids square off against Dad and his over-sexed cronies. The newfangled replacements being grown in the lab look pretty creepy for an 80s tv movie and reminded me more than a little of the Hank and Dean clones from THE VENTURE BROS.

I've always had a soft spot in my trash-loving heart for stuff like this. Quite frankly, the made-for-tv shlockfest is a lost art and you could do far worse than paying a visit to THE STEPFORD CHILDREN.

Venture Bros. Season 4 Trailer

Play the Henchman 24 Memorial Playoff Challenge

"But I could never be a henchman..."

Not true Henchman 24. You were one of the greats. Alas, you will be missed and in your honor I have started the Henchman 24 Memorial Playoff Challenge. Come and join the fun. There are no real prizes for winning the group challenge, just the best prize of all... bragging rights.

He may have been #24 in rank but he's #1 in our hearts. Okay, maybe #2.

The group password is: monarch.

Kartoon Klaus on THE VENTURE BROTHERS?

The last eight weeks have been totally crazy. Between work and a two-week vacation I haven't had much time to watch any Kinski flicks or even catch up on the final two episodes of the third season of THE VENTURE BROS., the hysterical Adult Swim cartoon parodying everything from super heroes and JONNY QUEST to SIX-MILLION DOLLAR MAN and much more.

So, it was with some raised eyebrows that I went into last night's viewing of the first part of the VENTURE BROS. season finale. My pal Wolfie had intimated that our good friend Klaus was somehow related to the episode, a fact I found almost beyond belief.

Until Brock Sampson's sometimes galpal Molotov Cocktease mentioned that three assassins had been dispatched to eliminate the Venture family's longtime bodyguard, including Herr Trigger, a blonde German with a curious sexual fascination with his weaponry.

Check out these screen captures from the episode and tell me what you think... is Herr Trigger inspired by the one and only German Olivier???

Maybe It's Just Me...

Even though coverage of the NHL has moved over to Versus (what a stupid name), I'm glad that ESPN has kept Barry Melrose (top) on board to provide previews and post-game commentary about the playoffs. Which, by the way, couldn't be turning out better if my Flyers were actually playing in them.

First the Rangers went down and now the Sabres are off making vacation plans. My only hope now is that Anaheim can defeat the Red Wings out west and Chris Pronger suffers some sort of injury that forces him to the sidelines for the entire Stanley Cup.

But back to Melrose. Is it just me or is his on-air appearance now an official try out for the role of Dr. Byron Orpheus, Necromancer (bottom), in an upcoming live-action version of 'The Venture Bros.'?