ICED (1988) starring Lisa Loring and Joesph Alan Johnson

"You invited a dead man!" 

Had BETTER OFF DEAD gone in a wildly different direction you might have ended up with ICED, a borderline inept late-80s ski-themed slasher currently streaming on Shudder. 

A few years after the death of their friend, Jeff, a group of old pals reunite at a new ski resort in order to hit the slopes, have some laughs, and maybe do a few lines of blow. What they don't know is that someone—or something—has brought them there to exact revenge for Jeff's demise.

Written by co-star Joseph Alan Johnson (who plays Alex, the handsome ski resort mogul), ICED can't decide what it wants to be. Is it a gory slasher? Is it sleazy horror? Unfortunately, it never goes all in on either, despite multiple scenes featuring original Wednesday Addams (Lisa Loring) in her birthday suit, and deaths by ski pole, icicle, bear trap, and hot tub electrocution. Cara mia!

There's a sleaze classic lurking here. Too bad it never goes far enough. Be sure to stay tuned for the loony ending! — Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and The Hungover Gourmet. He is expecting up to 15" of snow this weekend but no ski goggle-clad killers. He hopes.

Blood Beach (1980) starring John Saxon and Burt Young

Back from Parents Weekend in Philly and in need of a non-1966 horror fix, I decided I needed a “recent” trash effort. So, of course, I settled on 1980’s BLOOD BEACH, starring John Saxon and Burt Young as dedicated, exasperated cops in search of a monster that sucks people into the sand. I’m not sure how this one has flown under my radar for, oh, 45 years, but here we are. 

After his neighbor gets abducted by the Creature of Blood Beach while he’s out swimming in the ocean, harbor patrolman Harry (David Huffman) ends up realizing he still has feelings for the woman’s estranged daughter who returns to town in search of her mother. Meanwhile, Burt Young (in full Paulie Mode) and his partner are tasked with finding out what happened to the missing woman. The creature abducts, mutilates, and kills more victims (including a dog and Harry’s stewardess “friend”), while the cops and scientists scratch their heads. Eventually, it all comes to a head after they discover the creature’s lair, and Detective Paulie decides to put an end to all this bullshit. 

A mashup of JAWS and 1960s creature features, BLOOD BEACH isn’t entirely unwatchable. Saxon is his usual, stalwart self and quips “just when you think it’s safe to go back in the water—you can’t get there” while Young literally plays Detective Paulie (his best moment involves asking Harry what color eyes his stewardess friend “had”). Unfortunately, the whole thing sounds like it was recorded in a closet and it’s hard to make out what the heck is happening anytime the action heads underground. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and loves him some aqua-horror.

The Pit (1988) directed by Lew Lehman

Jamie is a horny, but disturbed, pre-teen who can’t make friends thanks to his general oddball behavior. The neighbors, local kids, sexy librarians, and sweet teachers all know he’s a freaking weirdo, but his dimwit parents leave him in the care of the cute college girl (with the football player boyfriend) while they go on a trip. Did I mention that Jamie’s only “friend” is a stuffed bear named “Teddy” that speaks back to Jamie in his own voice? And that former babysitters haven’t lasted more than one round with this kook?

It doesn’t take long before Jamie fixates on new babysitter/psychology student Sandy, and is soon leering at her panties, watching her while she sleeps (complete with nip slip), and gets angry when she talks about her football player “friend.” If only Jamie had access to a woodlands pit filled with troglodytes that feasted on raw meat he could purchase from the local butcher. What’s that you say? How long can Jamie possibly afford to purchase meat from the butcher under the guise of shopping for his mother? Won’t he eventually have to resort to more nefarious means?

Why, yes! He will! And that’s what makes the first hour of this weirdo slice of sinema so effectively bonkers. Jamie is a total psycho that we’d all hate if we encountered him in real life. But watching him run out of options and lure his enemies to the pit makes the flick wonderfully outrageous—for about an hour. Unfortunately, screenwriter Ian A. Stuart and director Lew Lehman run up against a wall. Jamie’s troglodytes escape from the pit and roam the countryside for a bit, only to be hunted down by a lame posse.

The film finally ends—in wonderfully NIGHT GALLERY-esque fashion—but along the way I suffered a bad case of what my friend Joe described as “movie whiplash.” In other words, it’s great, but then it’s not, but then it’s great again. — Dan Taylor

Jack's Back (1988) starring James Spader and Cynthia Gibb

For a little over three months in 1888, the serial killer known as Jack the Ripper stalked the East End of London, murdering five women. The killer was never caught, and the mystery intrigues armchair sleuths to this day. 100 years after Saucy Jack’s reign of terror, a copycat killer is piling up victims in Los Angeles and the cops are baffled. Could it be John Wesford (James Spader), the nice doctor who works at the clinic headed by abusive jerk Dr. Tannerson?

When a clinic patient turns up butchered, Wesford becomes the prime suspect, and the case is closed when he dies in an apparent suicide. But, what’s this? John has a bad-boy twin named Rick (also Spader), who sports an earring, has a scar on his face, and had a vision of his twin brother being murdered!

Rick’s amateur sleuthing complicates things for the police (including the always great Chris Mulkey) but also sets him up as a possible suspect—even though they’ve already assumed John was the killer. Teaming up with John’s colleague Dr. Christine Moscari (Cynthia Gibb), Rick sets out to avenge his brother’s death and prove his innocence.

The directorial debut of Rowdy Herrington (whose sophomore effort would be the incredible ROAD HOUSE), JACK’S BACK is a bit of a mess that’s saved in large part by Spader (no surprise that Herrington worked with him two more times). The “copycat Jack the Ripper” angle gets tossed early on and anyone with half a brain will ID the killer the moment they appear. Still, the performance shows why Spader has been a mainstay of film and television for the last four decades. — Dan Taylor