FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY

Much like the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino original, FDTD2 suffers from a massive identity crisis.

While #1 was an enjoyable, if not particularly memorable, "family hijacked by gun-toting sociopaths" thriller that unfortunately ran into the butt-end of a Grade-D straight-to-video vampire howler, #2 has similar issues. Directed by Scott Spiegel from a Spiegel/Duane Whittaker script, the flick sets us up for a South of the Border bank heist complete with a team assembled by Buck (rhymes with "hard luck") played by today's birthday boy, Robert (T2) Patrick.

But when the heist's brainchild stops in at The Titty Twister go-go bar (reprising its role from #1) and offers the bartender (MACHETE himself, Danny Trejo, reprising his role from #1) a ride, things take a turn for the schizophrenic.

What makes this half-hearted yawner such a total disappointment is that there IS some talent at work on both sides of the camera. Spiegel worked on the original EVIL DEAD, an influence that rears its ugly head during the vampire death effects that pepper the final 30 minutes. Rodriguez and Tarantino — who only act as Exec Producers along with Lawrence Bender despite what you may have read — have resumes that speak for themselves. Bo Hopkins (THE WILD BUNCH and about 100 other flicks) co-stars as the cop on the gang's trail. And Patrick, a decent actor who doesn't deserve being in shitstorms like this and STRIPTEASE, does an admirable job as the lone non-vampire in the gang. Too bad he's asked to stand around, look confused and get tossed into the nearest wall, pole, car, etc.

FDTD2 shoots itself in the foot by being nothing more than a straight-to-video dud with little or no imagination. Luckily I wasn't expecting much more, so I guess I can't bitch. However, pity the poor folks who rented it on the mistaken belief that '90210' vixen Tiffany Amber-Thiesen was a featured star. Instead, she and Bruce (EVIL DEAD, 'Xena') Campbell get offed in the flick's opening horror-movie-within-a-heist-flick-within-a-horror-movie.

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And the Award Goes To... My Best in Film and DVD for 2009

I'm not exactly sure how it got to be this late in 2010 before I got around to writing up my 2009 movie/DVD "best of" list. But I figured that if February 1, 2010 rolled around before it got posted there wasn't much sense in posting it.

When I posted this list on Facebook a week or so ago I was mildly surprised that people were asking me how I found the time to watch so many flicks. Frankly, I didn't think I'd seen that many and so I started digging into the numbers:

First Time Watches: 75
Rewatches: 30

While that number represents a slight increase over 2008 it still pales in comparison to the days when I'd see 200 new movies a year, including about 75% of the theatrical releases that hit the Delaware Valley. Back then, of course, I was a single zine editor who cared about movies, music and drink... and not necessarily in that order.

These days I'm a married, work-at-home dad with a precocious two-and-a-half year-old daughter so I guess it should come as somewhat of a surprise that I was able to squeeze in what amounts to two movies per week. But, upon closer examination, I realized that about one-third of everything I saw – roughly 30 flicks – came about thanks to three marathon viewing sessions: a weekend of trash viewing while my wife and daughter were in Florida; a weekend in Cleveland with pals from the European Trash Paradise; and, the annual Exhumed Marathon.

Take those 30 flicks – watched over a period of about six days – out of the mix and now we're looking at a much more realistic rate of one movie every 4.8 days. And with my daughter's aversion to afternoon naps I fear my 2010 total will be much, much lower.

That said, I'm happy to report that 2009 brought some pleasant surprises, a lot of flicks I'd recommend without hesitation and very few disappointments. Please keep in mind that I saw only three first-run releases in the theater (WATCHMEN, STAR TREK and THE HANGOVER) so almost everything on this list is not from 2009, these are just the things I watched in 2009. The full list will be posted below but first, some awards...

MOST PLEASANT SURPRISE
After the success of the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake and the public's apparent appetite for all things zombie, it came as no surprise that George Romero's DAY OF THE DEAD was tagged for a redo. Though it was handed over to horror hack Steve Miner I was looking forward to an updating of what I think is the underrated gem of Romero's zombie oeuvre. Unfortunately, word quickly spread that the finished flick was an unwatchable turd unsuitable for theatrical release. I caught up with it on Netflix Instant View one afternoon (Greatest. Invention. Ever.) and discovered it wasn't quite as bad as I'd heard though still nowhere near as good as I'd originally hoped. Miner's pedestrian direction lacks suspense, the storyline dispenses with most of the science vs. military plot of the original in favor of a CGI shoot 'em up and stars Nick Cannon and Mena Suvari make Lori Cardille and Joe Pilato look like Oscar nominees, but if you can overlook these things and check your brain at the door you might actually dig this in-name-only remake.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT
Like most horror fans I've been a fan of Bruce "The Chin" Campbell since he first threw himself around the cabin with reckless abandon in Sam Raimi's THE EVIL DEAD. Roles in that flick's two sequels cemented him as a B-movie star of note and I was always glad to see him pop up in something, whether it was a short-lived tv show, mainstream superhero flick or deodorant commercial. 2002's BUBBA HO-TEP reinforced the argument that Campbell, superb as an aging Elvis fighting a deadly mummy, was capable of greatness even when not playing Ash. Unfortunately, 2007's MY NAME IS BRUCE proved that even the great ones have their low-points... and this one was pretty low. Though I loved the concept of Campbell as a B-movie star with an overblown ego who gets mistaken for the heroes from his films, the whole thing is borderline unwatchable and easily a contender for the worst thing I watched all year. And I watched Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN remake/massacre.

MOST AMBITIOUS EUROTRASH FLICK
These days, my love of Eurotrash knows no bounds. While I was once strictly devoted to Italian splatter and all things Kinski my horizons have been opened (thanks to the aforementioned ETP) and I find myself eagerly diving into every giallo, Spaghetti western and Eurospy I can dig up to go along with my never-ending love of gorefests, post-nukes, Naschy flicks, Kinski and more. Heck, I even watched four Emanuelle flicks this year and waded through some of what I call "The Forgotten Fulcis". But of all the Eurotrash that I watched (roughly one-third of my 75 new watches), the one I got the biggest kick out of may have been the wonderfully ambitious ISLAND OF THE FISHMEN. I remember this flick hitting US shores as SCREAMERS, whose newspaper ads promised I'd see "a man turned inside out". What I didn't know was that Sergio Martino's late 70s epic was an enthusiastic mash-up of nature run amok, Jules Verne, voodoo and DR. MOREAU all rolled into one crazy ball. Mya's recent DVD release of the flick excises the shot-for-SCREAMERS inserts (with Cameron Mitchell) and restores it to its original glory, complete with underwater cities, Barbara Bach in wet tops, drug addicted fishmen, a slumming Joseph Cotten, and Richard Johnson as the Snidely Whiplash of Eurotrash villains.

MOST OVERRATED REMAKE OF A SEAGAL FLICK
When I first started seeing the commercials for the Liam Neeson revenge flick TAKEN I quipped to a pal that I'd be more likely to see it if it starred Steven Seagal. He responded that I needed to see Seagal's BELLY OF THE BEAST. Sure enough I rented the ironically-titled BELLY and it's pretty much the same film as TAKEN, complete with Big Steve as a retired CIA op whose daughter gets kidnapped while on a Thai vacation with a senator's daughter. Faster than you can say "blousy kimono" Seagal is kicking ass and saying things like "Anybody who stands in my way it's them or me!". I'd probably have nicer things to say about TAKEN were it not for the distracting presence of Maggie Grace, who was more than a decade older than her 17-year-old character at the time of shooting. Grace runs about spasmodically, shamelessly overacting to the point where her arrival on-screen was met with outright laughter, ruining what should have been a highly entertaining "gotta get my daughter back" revenge-a-thon worthy of Cannon-era Bronson.

BEST USE OF BIG STEVE IN A MOVIE OR TV SHOW
Since we're on the topic of Big Steve I thought we'd segue right into this award, which I had initially hoped would go to the highly anticipated A&E tv series STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN. For those who haven't seen the reality series, it follows Seagal (a 20 year veteran of the New Orleans PD... seriously) and his team as they ferret out crime in some of the worst sections of a post-Katrina Big Easy. Unfortunately, despite my high expectations for LAWMAN it falls into that sad reality category of "if you've seen one you've seen 'em all". The show tries to wrap each installment in some Big Steve Message (drugs are bad, guard dogs are good, Zen and the art of target shooting) but there's no drama, the black shoe polish on Seagal's hair is highly distracting, and you can only laugh at the doughy action star "oof"-ing his frame in and out of the SUV so many times. Granted, Seagal-Vision (TM) is a technological advance that blows Cameron's 3-D sci-fi flick out of the water, but I hate having to suffer through the actual show in order to see it. As egomaniacal reality shows go this one's more "real" than GENE SIMMONS' FAMILY JEWELS, but that show features better actors delivering the scripted "reality". And so, the award for Best Use of Big Steve in a Movie or TV Show goes to STEP BROTHERS, which features a hysterical scene of stars Will Ferrell and John Reilly bonding over Seagal's finest – and first – cinematic outing, ABOVE THE LAW.

BEST HOPE(S) FOR THE FUTURE OF HORROR
It can be a challenge to live life as an unapologetic horror fan. The flicks that end up getting the most press are often remakes of superior films from the genre's not-so-distant past or Americanized versions of tales of terror from Japan or Europe. When a truly entertaining genre effort does get made, the distributor frequently muffs it and shuffles the flick to the world of direct-to-DVD with little or no theatrical release. And that's too bad, especially in the case of at least four flicks I saw this year that I would have loved to see get a wide release instead of yet another installment of SAW or a wretched remake like MIRRORS. The best of the bunch was definitely SPLINTER, a claustrophobic and bloody re-imagining of Carpenter's THE THING largely set in gas station convenience store. Anchored by great performances from the film's three leads (including Paulo Costanzo of the hit USA series ROYAL PAINS), SPLINTER features tight, suspenseful direction from Toby Wilkins that kept me on the edge of my seat. Though I didn't think it quite lived up to the hype, I thoroughly enjoyed the Halloween-themed anthology TRICK R TREAT and will make a point of digging it out annually. My other two favorites illustrate both sides of the slasher genre... Robert Hall's LAID TO REST is a brutal and bloody slasher flick that starts fast and never takes its foot off the gas while HATCHET is a clever and loving homage to the slasher flicks of the 80s that deftly balances the blood and boobs with actual humor. To say I'm looking forward to more from the makers of these flicks is an understatement, especially FROZEN, the new flick from HATCHET director Adam Green.

BEST REASONS TO DELVE INTO THE 80s
Sometimes I have to remind myself that it only seems like I've seen every single slice of horror, sleaze, sexploitation and trash from the 80s. Thanks to the wonders of Netflix, the annual Exhumed Marathon and friends who I'm pretty sure have seen every single trash film from the 80s I keep discovering new and wonderful flicks that occasionally blow my mind. This year I happily enjoyed viewings of Jess Franco's FACELESS, JP Simon's SLUGS and Lucio Fulci's MURDER ROCK, all the while wondering how these flicks flew under my radar for the last two decades. Even films that failed to live up to my expectations despite enthusiastic endorsements (HARD ROCK ZOMBIES, VISITING HOURS) were still time better spent than watching DOOMSDAY, MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D, I LOVE YOU MAN or PINEAPPLE EXPRESS. Then again, pretty much every film on my list paled in comparison to AMERICAN HUNTER, BLOOD DELIRIUM, DEADLY PREY and RAW FORCE, an untouchable quartet of 80s Mindblowers... films whose viewing experiences left me aching with joy thanks to the passion and insanity thrown onto the screen. Without a doubt, seeing RAW FORCE – in which Cameron Mitchell and a cruise ship full of kung-fu champs and large breasted policewomen battle zombies, cannibals and a Hitler look-alike running a white slavery ring! – on the big screen was 2009's cinematic highlight.

Oh, I could keep going on handing out awards for things like Best Klaus Kinski Flick (FIVE FOR HELL), Bloodiest Mainstream Flick (the eye-popping RAMBO) and Best ALIENS Rip-Off Masquerading as a Zombie Flick (ZOMBIES: THE BEGINNING) or spend time debating the merits of EMANUELLE & THE LAST CANNIBALS vs. EMANUELLE & THE WHITE SLAVE TRADE, but I've probably prattled on long enough.

2009 was a surprisingly good year of viewing and with technology like Netflix Instant View bringing more and more trash straight into my living room (COLD PREY? GALE FORCE? BIG BAD WOLF?) not to mention a steady stream of DVD-R badness flowing from pals like David Zuzelo at TOMB IT MAY CONCERN, who knows what 2010 – and a new decade – has in store?

FIRST TIME WATCHES
---------------------------------
ADVENTURELAND
ALL THE COLORS OF THE DARK
AMERICAN HUNTER
BABY MAMA
BEHIND THE MASK
BELLY OF THE BEAST
BLACK EMANUELLE 2
BLACK EMANUELLE/WHITE EMANUELLE
BLACK MAGIC 2
BLOOD DELIRIUM
BLOODY HANDS OF THE LAW
CAT IN THE BRAIN
THE CHILDREN
DAY OF THE DEAD (REMAKE)
THE DEAD NEXT DOOR
DEADLY PREY
DEVIL'S NIGHTMARE
DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE
DOOMSDAY: THE DEATH OF SUPERMAN
DOOMSDAY
DOOR INTO SILENCE
EMANUELLE & THE LAST CANNIBALS
EMANUELLE & THE WHITE SLAVE TRADE
EVIL FACE
FACELESS
FAST & FURIOUS
FIRED UP!
FIVE FOR HELL
GREY GARDENS
HALLOWEEN (UNRATED REMAKE)
THE HAND THAT FEEDS THE DEAD
THE HANGING WOMAN
THE HANGOVER
HARD ROCK ZOMBIES
HATCHET
I LOVE YOU, MAN
ISLAND OF THE FISHMEN
JULIE & JULIA
JUNGLE HEAT
LAID TO REST
MONSTER HUNTER
MURDER ROCK
MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3-D
MY NAME IS BRUCE
THE NEXT VICTIM
NIGHTMARE CASTLE
THE OBLONG BOX
OUT FOR A KILL
PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
PLAGUE TOWN
PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
RAMBO
RATMAN
RAW FORCE
ROLE MODELS
THE SINFUL DWARF
SLUGS
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
SPLINTER
STAR TREK
STEP BROTHERS
THE STEPFORD CHILDREN
SUPERMAN/BATMAN: PUBLIC ENEMIES
TAKEN
TALES OF THE BLACK FREIGHTER
TARANTULAS: THE DEADLY CARGO
TRAUMA
TROPIC THUNDER
TRICK 'R TREAT
THE U (30 FOR 30 Documentary)
VIGILANTE FORCE
VISITING HOURS
WATCHMEN
WEB OF THE SPIDER
WINTERBEAST
ZOMBIES: THE BEGINNING

REPEAT VIEWINGS
-----------------------------
THE BEYOND
BLOOD SURF
CITY OF THE WALKING DEAD
CONQUEST
THE CONVENT
CRANK
CREEPSHOW
CURSE OF THE DEVIL
FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH
THE FLY (REMAKE)
FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 5
FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART IV
GODZILLA ON MONSTER ISLAND
GRADUATION DAY
HERCULES IN THE HAUNTED WORLD
LADY TERMINATOR
MANHATTAN BABY
MOTHER'S DAY
THE MUTILATOR
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (REMAKE)
ON DEADLY GROUND
THE PARTY ANIMAL
PIECES
PIRANHA
THE PSYCHIC
PSYCHO KICKBOXER
RE-ANIMATOR
SCREWBALLS
SUPER INFRA-MAN
THE VINDICATOR

31 DAYS OF FRIGHT: The Brothers Hickox

Mainstream cinema has the brothers Scott – Ridley who once gave us fun stuff like ALIEN and is now working on a Robin Hood movie with Russell Crowe and Tony, who used to deliver grade-A entertaining cheese like THE LAST BOY SCOUT and is now working on an unwanted remake of THE WARRIORS.

I'm not sure who the trash film equivalent would be, but I'm thinking the Hickox brothers – sons of director David Hickox (best known for the 1973 cult flick THEATER OF BLOOD with Vincent Price and Diana Rigg) – would have to be in the discussion.

Anthony burst upon the scene with the entertaining WAXWORK (1988), a fun blend of house of wax mischief, monster mash mayhem, and 80s schlock. Unfortunately, his post-WAXWORK filmography has been dominated by junky sequels (WAXWORK II, HELLRAISER III, WARLOCK: THE ARMAGEDDON) and good ideas gone bad like SUNDOWN: THE VAMPIRE IN RETREAT.

Set in the town of Purgatory, SUNDOWN revolves around a town full of vampires split into two factions: human-hunters hungry for blood, and domesticated creatures of the night who exist on synthetic sangre. Eventually, the schism erupts into a full-scale civil war. A good idea that should've at least been an entertaining time-waster, SUNDOWN fails almost completely because for every one good idea in the script there are about six really shitty ones.

As for the cast, it's a crap-shoot as well: Deborah Foreman (the director's then-girlfriend who was also in WAXWORK and celebrates a birthday today) is cute; Morgan Brittany is vacuous; David Carradine, may he rest in peace, is asleep; and Bruce Campbell is still on the set of EVIL DEAD II. Only Maxwell Caulfield leaves an impression of what the flick could've been. And who thought I'd ever be saying that?!

While SUNDOWN – and much of Anthony Hickox's post-WAXWORK career has been disappointing – his brother James is doing his part to add some luster back to the family name. Though he got his directing start with a straight-to-video installment of the CHILDREN OF THE CORN series (COTC III: URBAN HARVEST for those of you scoring at home), Hickox scored big with this viewer thanks to Joe Bob's holy trinity of blood, beasts and breasts and a little flick called BLOOD SURF (aka KROCODYLUS).

Bog (Dax Miller) and Jeremy (Joel West) are "blood surfers," extreme sports nuts who travel to shark-infested waters to ride a few waves. After ladling in some chum and slicing the tops of their feet, that is.

Documenting the dangerous antics of the two surfers are big-breasted camerawoman Cicely (Kate Fischer) and hat-wearing lame-o Zack (Matt Borlenghi), her producer/financier boyfriend who hopes to peddle the resulting show to a television channel.

As the foursome flies into Palm Island, Hickox hints at what's to come by having them discuss a certain blockbuster shark movie while the theme evokes just enough of the infamous JAWS score to jumpstart our memory banks, but not enough to get them sued. Then again, do you need foreshadowing when a flick is called BLOOD SURF (aka KROCODYLUS)? I think not.

Desperate to have his stars surf the waves at a notoriously shark-infested beach, Zack arranges transport with Sonny (Cris Vertido), a local who charters adventures with his wife Melba (Susan Africa) and big-breasted daughter Lemmya (Maureen Larrazabal). Had that crew bailed there's always Capt. John Dirks (Duncan Regehr) – a low-budget Quint complete with scruffy beard, crazy eyes, and theme-appropriate flashback sequences. It should come as no surprise that Dirks used to run charters around the island, too, but the last one didn't turn out so well. All his clients were eaten by, well, I think you know what they were eaten by.

Of course, I might've picked Dirks just for the presence of first mate Arti (Taryn Reif), a thin, wisp of a blonde with a predilection for shaking her tailfeather in bars and taking off her top whenever the mood strikes. Like hourly.

Arriving at their destination, Bog (who has the good looks of Dean Cain and Ben Affleck) and Jeremy don't fail to deliver and surf up a storm as CGI sharks shadow their every move. The sequence is pretty ambitious for such a low-budget outing, and can even be watched along with production storyboards on the feature-packed.

Upon reaching the relative safety of the shore – though not without a shark scare in which Zack shows his true colors, which appear to be yellow and, um, yellow – the adventurers pair off with their respective love interests: Sonny and Melba, Cecily and Zack, Jeremy and Lemmya, and Bog and The Surf. We know Bog loves The Surf because even though the waters are shark-infested and we were treated to a giant, unexplained, explosive spray of blood and sea water he's itching to ride those waves as the sun goes down.

And it's here that BLOOD SURF kicks into gear. Hickox croc-teases us through the first 30 minutes or so, placing our leads in peril, offering up glimpses of giant shadows and scaly tails in the watery depths. But, up to this point, he never pulls out all the stops and delivers the price-of-admission sequence we're all looking for.

Don't fret. By the time the script by Sam Bernard and Robert L Levy strands our crew and brings the 90-year-old, 31-foot creature designed by John Carl Buechler (GHOULIES, MINER'S MASSACRE) out of the water, BLOOD SURF hits the accelerator and doesn't know when to let up.

Several quality twists and sequences follow, including: "Big Mick" (as the croc is referred to) tossing a victim in the air like a peanut; jungle booby traps right out of a 1980s cannibal flick; use of the great "Damn you to hell!" line uttered by a dying croc-snack; explosions, suspension bridges, croc-eye closeups, female bonding, and even a little "croc-teasing" that gets the juices flowing, even in a giant, scaly reptile that's pushing a hundred years old.

If you're a fan of the science-gone-awry/big-monster flicks that clogged video store shelves in the 1980s and 90s, BLOOD SURF is a more-than-worthwhile purchase or rental. It's no surprise that director Hickox cut his teeth working on schlock like MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, WAXWORK, HELLRAISER III and WARLOCK II. The flick shows a genuine affection for the exploitation genre, complete with bared breasts, blood, guts, out-of-leftfield twists and explosions aplenty.

The ultra-cheap DVD even includes bonus materials like raw footage from the shoot and production storyboards that can be viewed separately or during key sequences. Far more entertaining than big-budget hogwash like VAN HELSING, BLOOD SURF is one of the most enjoyable B-movies I've seen in the last year.

No Bruce for BUBBA Sequel?

I'm bummed to report that according to this post at SlashFilm, Bruce Campbell has dropped out of BUBBA NOSFERATU, the sequel to the wonderful BUBBA HO-TEP. Apparently, Campbell and director Don Coscarelli couldn't come to terms on some sticking points with the story and the EVIL DEAD star and Old Spice pitchman decided to leave the project rather than damage their friendship.

Further Evidence That Bruce Campbell Rocks

I don't know what Old Spice is paying the BUBBA HO-TEP star but it's worth every penny. Here's Bruce Campbell in a new commercial for Old Spice...



And here's a behind-the-scenes segment. When was the last time you or anybody you know was talking about Old Spice? Sometimes it's good to be Bruce Campbell...