Friday, March 02, 2012


Seeing as I often have trouble with the ladies, I decided to look at THE ABCs OF LOVE AND SEX: AUSTRALIA STYLE! (Intervision) as more than just an opportunity to ogle naked women. I saw it as an educational experience that would make me more comfortable interacting with the opposite sex.

But when you look to THE ABCs OF LOVE AND SEX: AUSTRALIA STYLE! for advice on women, you should probably come to terms with your loneliness. It's not going anywhere.

That's because, If anything, THE ABCs OF LOVE AND SEX: AUSTRALIA STYLE! will only make you more confused and less understanding of women. It's a letter-by-letter guide to sex. And, of course, it has to begin with a FROSTY THE SNOWMAN-like clay animation where an elderly teacher (Dr. Leonard B. Lovitt) addresses a classroom of students. And if that didn't bewilder you enough, from there it moves to a white studio decorated only by large alphabet blocks and interpretive dancers.

From this point on, we navigate through the alphabet to find each letter's corresponding word. For example, C is for "contraceptive." The film advises us that contraceptives should be used with spermicidal cream, which sounds like an adjective that would fit a daredevil (like the homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, spermicidal Evel Knievel) or that in its noun form it could be some sort ant killer (like  Spermicide). Either way, I'm glad that I'm not a gardener because Lord knows what I'd end up spraying on your weeds.

Some of the letters are designated for words that are somewhat unimaginative. D happens to be for "dreams," because, we dream about sex.  I guess when you have 26 of these things (well, not exactly 26, because they skip a few), they can't all be home runs. It's a bit like using "chicken" for C because you could, theoretically, have sex with a chicken (the filmmakers dropped the ball on that one).

F may have the least creative word: "fun." I guess in 1978, openly acknowledging that sex is fun might cause a bit of a stir, but it's 2012 and 12-year-olds do it on the school bus. Why else would we have so many unwanted pregnancies if we were so concerned with maintaining the scared biological purpose of sex? The fact is that we aren't. People ain't doing it because it's practical.

Although the film has a tendency to throw out playful words to remind us how much fun sex is, the letter R stands out. That's because R stands for "rape." "Contrary to sometimes popular belief among males," the narrator reminds us, " rape is not a glamorous fantasy for women." The sheer offensiveness of that line alone will probably perk up anyone who has slept through the previous hour. Unlike the heavenly unsoiled ivory studio that provided the background for the other situations, the rape scene takes place in a woman's house where an intruder (wearing pantyhose over his head) sneaks in and slams her to the ground.

Understandably, there wasn't a lot of accurate information about rape being spread among the general public in 1978, but it doesn't hide the hilarity of hearing the narrator seriously say, "While some women may fantasize about a violent sexual encounter, such harmless fantasies are quite different from an act of violent rape." The phrase "no shit" comes to mind.

Other facts just make your mind spin. For example: "It has often been said that a woman cannot be raped if she refuses to submit, but what woman wants to risk death or further degradation or humiliation if she does refuse to submit?"

I actually wrote three different sentences responding to that one line, but, to be honest, they all seem unfunny. Which, to tell you the truth, isn't a whole heck of a lot different than most of the humor in this review.

So what in the world could Z stand for? Nothing. The movie ends with Y, which stands for "you." It's all very deep. However, you won't get much out of THE ABCs OF LOVE AND SEX: AUSTRALIA STYLE! So I stress again, if you're looking for love advice from THE ABCs OF LOVE AND SEX: AUSTRALIA STYLE! then you probably shouldn't be dating anyway.

Which is why I'm single. – Jonathan Plombon

THE ABCs OF LOVE AND SEX: AUSTRALIA STYLE! is available at Amazon.

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