ZOMBIE PIRATES (2014)

Now that ER #52 has been put to bed it's time to turn our attention to the flicks, zines, books and comics we were not able to get into the latest issue. Stay tuned to the blog as we'll be ramping up the pace with plenty of junk culture and fringe media reviews as summer draws to a close. Today's review comes courtesy of David Zuzelo (Tomb It May Concern) who took the plunge and tested the waters of the new Retromedia TV with the cool looking ZOMBIE PIRATES...

ZOMBIE PIRATES could not have been better targeted than directly at me. Let's see... a kick ass poster of (not surprisingly) ZOMBIE PIRATES? Yep! A description that includes a tribute to THE BLIND DEAD? OK, now I have to buy it. And gore? Oh, sure... there is some gore! What isn't to like? Well, I found ZOMBIE PIRATES to be an entertaining enough micro-budget film that looks sharp and contains a few nifty tributes to the undead Templar titans as well as a few good performances from the leads, though it has so much padding that I think long time trash cinema fanatics will feel like the original GHOST GALLEON plays as fast-paced as a fight from ONG BAK comparatively. While things meander a bit, and I feel like I could now close up a tattoo parlor, right down to changing the paper towels, I really liked it overall! So, recap time...

Linda (Sarah French/Scarlet Salem) is obviously one tough cookie. We meet her as she heads home with a bullet in her shoulder and a grimace on her face. Why? Well, it turns out she has robbed and killed a finder of artifacts (oh oh) and taken not only money, but some other things of mystical import. Enter the ominous, mustachioed Grant (J.C. Pennylegion), who takes a lot of time explaining that she has come into contact with a Necronomicon-esque book that contains the method to feeding flesh to undead pirates in return for silver and other treasures. AS LONG AS YOU DO IT RIGHT! Well, of course...

Linda gets forced into being said skin salesman or footage of her robbery will be sent to the police. She jumps right in, killing dudes left and right with a little seduction or even a sneaky kill a la the opening of HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY... and in comes the mossy maven of malevolence... CAPTAIN LASSARD (Eric Spudic). He looks cool as hell, though the HD video doesn't do the costume many favors in some ways.  This all continues until a bothersome officer of the law, Detective Knofke (Denman Powers) makes the scene and seems to have a fun obsession with using STAYING FOR COFFEE as a strong arm tactic. Make this guy a cup, even after he quits, because he has DNA evidence to hoodwink you out of, ladies. Pretty slick...

The Zombie Pirates have arrived!

But what happens when the cop gets hip, the sacrifice goes late and the ZOMBIE PIRATES lay siege to a rather nice little home on the water? Gore! CGI! FUN!

While it runs too long with many repetitive scenes as Linda drags her white-bagged victims out to sea, or folds and unfolds a chair in her bathing suit, there is a lot to like for the low budget fan. The monster suits are really nice and I was especially impressed by ZOMBIE PARROT as well as a tiny ship shot almost exactly like the Ghost Galleon that Amando de Ossorio forged for The Blind Dead. I think the tiny budget and extremely high quality video camera dents the atmosphere that they were going for when Lassard shows up at the door, but the boat sacrifices and nomnomming are very well done. It's hard to hang a movie on just those sequences however.

A Ghost Galleon by any other name.

Thankfully, the actors do a good job with the material. French pulls off her character's various moods and "take no shit" attitude nicely and her scenes with Powers as the chatty cop are great fun fodder. Something about cops in Retromedia presentations is always fun. While not going for comedy in most instances, the two gel nicely and even I wanted to smack the detective in the head.

Most notable for me is the score is a perfect example of keeping a film flowing even in the dead spots of running time filler. An electronic score that hums beneath the entire film, it's got enough creep to keep my attention even when it starts to wander. Director Steve Sessions knows how to shoot a zombie attack AND score it at the same time. I'm impressed!

Overall, it would take a seasoned micro-budget fan to really love ZOMBIE PIRATES, but it's a serviceable slab of schlock for Blind Dead fanatics to take a look at.

Zombie Pirate nomnoming on a victim.

Another thing of note: this was my first purchase at the launch of RETROMEDIA.TV, a new service from Fred Olen Ray's company. Available through Vimeo, the movies are available to rent (for $3.99 a week) or purchase. Never having tried digital purchasing through Vimeo, I was really pleased with the quality of the product. For $7.99 you get an MP4 file that looks incredibly sharp. While you can stream through Vimeo, it is currently not on the Roku that I use. I simply put the file on a USB stick and played through my blu-ray player. The service could be a huge boon to Funky Cinefiles ready to accept medialess purchase (I'm very hesitant, personally). With the promise of items like an uncut TOMB OF THE WEREWOLF ahead, I'm sure it will be something to watch.

While I can't comment on the DVD release of ZOMBIE PIRATES, I did notice that the Retromedia disc contains HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES/GHOST GALLEON as an extra. Now that is a great flick and will certainly help anyone befuddled by the main feature as to what the tribute mentioned on the box was all about.

Definitely a decent sign of things to come, the Retromedia empire is about to enjoy some digital dominance I hope!

Zombie Parrot says... OUTTA HERE. SQUAAAAAK!!! – David Zuzelo

November ER Update Features Blood, Beasts and More!

While I didn't anticipate our latest update taking quite so long to pull together, I think you'll find that it was worth the wait.

The Exploitation Retrospect update for November features twenty-five all-new reviews ranging from the latest in urban sasquatch adventures (ASSAULT OF THE SASQUATCH) and boob-centric "sequels" (LOOSE SCREWS: SCREWBALLS II) to Eurotrash classics (THE BEYOND), low-budget shockers (LIGHTS CAMERA DEAD) and outrageous zombie mash-ups (DON'T WAKE THE DEAD).

Visit the site now to enjoy them all as well as hundreds more reviews of genre classics, undiscovered gems and pure trash. We'll also be rolling the reviews out here over the next few weeks for the enjoyment of those who dig daily doses of junk culture and fringe media.

31 DAYS OF FRIGHT: A Different Kind of Undead, Part 2

What did I tell you? Zombies and vampires are so hip and happening right now that there's even debate amongst the horror community about which poses the bigger threat. Forget vampires and zombies, I'm way more concerned about centuries-old Knights Templar corpses riding around the countryside laying waste to humanity.

Speaking of The Blind Dead, let's return to our discussion of Amondo de Ossorio's quartet of crazy 70s Eurotrash featuring the marauding monsters... like most good monsters you can't keep a good zombie Templar down – even at sea – and the knights were back in 1974's THE GHOST GALLEON (aka HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES and GHOST SHIPS OF THE BLIND DEAD) which, depending upon your mood, can be the best or worst entry in the series.

When two bikini-clad models on a super-secret publicity stunt run into a sinister-looking, decaying ship in the middle of the ocean, it seems like a monumentally bad idea to climb aboard. Naturally, that's what they do, but without the super sexy results one might hope for.

After some surprisingly lighthearted kidnapping and assault, a rescue party – including the publicity stunt's organizer (B-movie vet Jack Taylor) and a Twilight Zone theory-spouting professor named Dr. Gruber – heads out in an attempt to locate the gals. They find the ship and board it, only to discover that it contains the coffins of The Blind Dead. After the Knights attack, chase down, hack and devour various members of the rescue team, Dr. Gruber performs a makeshift exorcism designed to end the curse forever, or as long as it takes for them to get away.

Though I found it less engaging than the rest of the series, GHOST GALLEON gets bonus points for placing the Knghts in a unique setting rather than deliver another variation on the "cursed town" theme. (Think JASON X for a modern example.) Unfortunately, the premise is beyond flimsy and even this hardened horror vet found it tough to buy some of the film's more far-fetched concepts like the bizarre publicity stunt and the poor Knights shuffling around the cramped ship. And just try not to laugh when the fakiest fake-looking toy boat in cinematic history pops up on screen.

Returning from their duty at sea, de Ossorio's Knights had one last cinematic outing in them, the mesmerizing NIGHT OF THE SEAGULLS. After a period opening featuring a lost couple, bared titties, a creepy frog gargoyle god, disemboweling, gut munching and even some pesky crabs it's back to the present day and time for Henry the new doctor to arrive in town. Somehow I don't think it's what he and his wife Joan were used to, especially after encountering the less-than-friendly townspeople, an old doctor who can't get out of town fast enough, and the village retard who looks like the bastard child of Arnold Vosloo and Pee-wee Herman!

Despite being told not to ask questions or go out at night, the good doctor and his wife do just that when they hear a procession heading down to the beach at midnight. While it sure looks like a sacrifice in the making to me, the new arrivals blow it off as a wacky local superstition and head back to bed.

Pretty soon the nocturnal ceremonies on the beach become hard to ignore, especially after one girl shows up at the doctor's door screaming nonsense and the townspeople come for Lucy, their housekeeper.

Hypnotic and leisurely paced, SEAGULLS reminds me of Stuart Gordon's excellent Lovecraft adaptation DAGON, which featured visitors to a Spanish town getting caught up in sacrifices and mysterious goings on with dreadful results.

Though they may not have more cinematic outings in their future, author and fan David Zuzelo is determined to keep The Blind Dead alive (?) and kicking for horror buffs. His limited edition chapbook ASCENSION OF THE BLIND DEAD pits the "beardy blind beasts" as he calls them against Silvia Perschy, a myth-busting werewolf.

So, with all the monsters of cinema and literature to play with, why The Blind Dead?

"At the risk of sounding like a total tool," quips Zuzelo, "I would do anything to write something featuring these monsters. I love de Ossorio's work and the series has given me tons of enjoyment. I tried to make sure that it would be faithful to the films and keep the Templars alive and sacrificing."

For more information on ASCENSION and to read David's uniquely enthusiastic musings on trash cinema check out david-z.blogspot.com.

31 DAYS OF FRIGHT: A Different Kind of Undead, Part 1

These days I'm not sure what it's hipper to be... a zombie hunter or an emo vampire. Seems that with stuff like ZOMBIELAND and TWILIGHT doing boffo box office, you probably can't go wrong. But despite all the glowing reviews isn't it possible that we're all ready for a different kind of undead?

If you find yourself bored with the standard issue, contagion/plague zombies that shamble along until you shoot 'em in the head, do yourself a favor, put down your copy of the Zombie Survival Guide and check out Amondo de Ossorio's quartet of Blind Dead flicks. You'll thank me later.

The Blind Dead flicks are nothing short of a revelation for the horror buff who thinks they've seen it all. And while the flicks pile on every hoary cliché of the fright genre – zombies at the window, hands clutching at victims through cracks in the door, feet caught in wooden stairs, twisted ankles, false shocks, stuck doors, creepy morgue guys and village retards – the zombie antagonists and atmospheric presentation make up for any minor shortcomings.

"While the Italians get most of the glory, the Templar films feature truly unique zombies," says BLIND DEAD expert and author David Zuzelo. "The Knights are bad enough when they're alive. Zombify them and it gets worse. We don't know what the agenda is but it's bad both in execution and results."

Known as everything from the simple and elegant THE BLIND DEAD to the needlessly cumbersome MARK OF THE DEVIL, PART 4: TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD, de Ossorio's initial foray is a haunting affair than begins poolside at a bikini-clad-babe-filled European resort. There, Betty runs into her old "friend" Virginia who is vacationing with her decorator pal Roger.

Roger invites Betty along for a camping weekend and all is well until some unwelcome flirtation results in Virginia hopping from the moving train, leading to the grizzled conductor remarking, "That girl doesn't know what she's in for." Frankly, the same could be said of this viewer who was only familiar with The Blind Dead in passing thanks to stills in horror reference books.

Though Virginia attempts to make the dingy castle she stumbles upon a fun place to camp out for the night, once the graves in the castle courtyard start smoking you know things aren't going to go well.

Seems the old castle's the burial ground for The Knights Templar, former members of The Crusades who wound up being excommunicated because of their affinity for devil worship, virginal sacrifices and some flesh munching. Once conquered, the Knights were hung until crows came and ate out their eyes, so they're dead and they're blind but as one character remarks, "that will be no handicap."

After discovering that Virginia's been killed in what police suspect is a blood ritual, Roger (who has the pompadoured, sideburny paunch of a young Gary Glitter but without the whole Asian teen molesting thing) persuades a local smuggler to accompany him to the castle and solve the mystery. Tons of illogical horror film moments abound – as well as a rape and a catfight – but they're all completely excused thanks to de Ossorio's portrayal of the sinister zombified knights.

Skeletal to the point of disintegration, you can almost smell the musty clothing and rotting flesh of these unique and bizarre zombies as they hunt their prey by the sounds they make.

Nihilistic to the point of slack-jawed disbelief, BLIND DEAD climaxes with the zombified knights descending upon a train full of passengers as snapshots capture the gory glory in a tip of the cap to Romero's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.

Two years later the Blind Dead were back and, quite frankly, better than ever in my opinion. If TOMBS is the STAR WARS of devil worshipping, virgin chomping, excommunicated knights flicks, then RETURN OF THE EVIL DEAD is THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. It's just got more. More what, you ask? More action, more death, more blood, more eyes burned out, more, well, everything!

In the film's credit sequence the Knights are not only defeated they also get their eyes burned out so they can't find their way out of their tombs and raze the town to the ground as promised. Or so the townspeople think.

Years later it's time for the annual "Burning Festival" to celebrate the victory over the Knights. Sensing an opportunity to rekindle an old flame (and maybe ditch the sweaty, gross Mayor in the process), Vivian gets her pal The Captain a gig rigging the fireworks for the event.

Murdo, the creepy hunchback who looks like Stephen King, spies the two getting reacquainted, walks us through the history of the Knights (complete with bare maiden titties, some disembowling and a bit of blood drinking) and sacrifices a virgin in their graveyard.

True to their word, the Knights return to exact revenge upon their tormentors, though they probably didn't anticipate The Captain who helps the townspeople escape and sends the Knights packing, at least for the moment. Arriving at a local a church, a ragtag band of survivors including the mayor, a bunch of his henchmen, Vivian and The Captain set up shop to wait out the zombies.

In a nod to both Hitchcock's THE BIRDS and Romero's NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, de Ossorio pits the survivors against one another and The Blind Dead as they attempt to make it through the night.

Everything about RETURN is cranked up a notch or two higher than its predecessor. The script is more action packed, the characters more engaging and fleshed out. Even the stabs at comedy work, like the region's governor spending too much time oggling his housekeeper's pantie-clad ass to believe the Knights have returned from the grave. To me it's the highlight of the series, but de Ossorio and his knights weren't done by a long shot...

Tomorrow... The Blind Dead are back and they've got Jack Taylor with 'em.

Today in Eurotrash History

I always enjoy a trash horror film more when I know that it was inspired by some real events. Take The Knights Templar, for instance. These reel stars of the incredible Blind Dead series of films were inspired the by real Knights Templar, recognized on this date in 1128 as an Army of God.

If you ask me, anytime the words "army" and "god" get thrown together it's not going to be good for somebody. The Knights started out on the right foot by protecting Christians on their way to Jerusalem during the Crusades. Things got a bit dicey when the order began accumulating massive wealth and power. The order flourished until 1307 when the King of France and the Pope conspired to bring the Knights down, arresting its grand master and burning him – and other members – at the stake for such acts as practicing Satanism.

Centuries later, Amando d'Ossorio would take the legend of The Knights Templar and beef it up with additional supernatural elements to create The Blind Dead Series, a quartet of violent horror flicks with the reanimated, pissed off and blind Knights Templar as the villains.

Long available only in butchered and retitled versions, The Blind Dead rose again thanks to the fine folks at Blue Underground and their Blind Dead Box set. The flicks are nothing short of a revelation for the exploitation junkie and B-film freak who thinks they've seen it all. And while the flicks pile on every hoary cliché of the horror genre – zombies at the window, hands clutching at victims through cracks in the door, feet caught in wooden stairs, twisted ankles, false shocks, stuck doors, creepy morgue guys and village retards – the zombie antagonists and atmospheric presentation make up for any minor shortcomings.

"While the Italians get most of the glory, the Templar films feature truly unique zombies," says BLIND DEAD expert and author David Zuzelo. "The Knights are bad enough when they're alive. Zombify them and it gets worse. We don't know what the agenda is but it's bad both in execution and results."