Blood Beach (1980) starring John Saxon and Burt Young

Back from Parents Weekend in Philly and in need of a non-1966 horror fix, I decided I needed a “recent” trash effort. So, of course, I settled on 1980’s BLOOD BEACH, starring John Saxon and Burt Young as dedicated, exasperated cops in search of a monster that sucks people into the sand. I’m not sure how this one has flown under my radar for, oh, 45 years, but here we are. 

After his neighbor gets abducted by the Creature of Blood Beach while he’s out swimming in the ocean, harbor patrolman Harry (David Huffman) ends up realizing he still has feelings for the woman’s estranged daughter who returns to town in search of her mother. Meanwhile, Burt Young (in full Paulie Mode) and his partner are tasked with finding out what happened to the missing woman. The creature abducts, mutilates, and kills more victims (including a dog and Harry’s stewardess “friend”), while the cops and scientists scratch their heads. Eventually, it all comes to a head after they discover the creature’s lair, and Detective Paulie decides to put an end to all this bullshit. 

A mashup of JAWS and 1960s creature features, BLOOD BEACH isn’t entirely unwatchable. Saxon is his usual, stalwart self and quips “just when you think it’s safe to go back in the water—you can’t get there” while Young literally plays Detective Paulie (his best moment involves asking Harry what color eyes his stewardess friend “had”). Unfortunately, the whole thing sounds like it was recorded in a closet and it’s hard to make out what the heck is happening anytime the action heads underground. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and loves him some aqua-horror.

RECENT WATCHES: Dutch Slashers, Demon Winds, Albino Apes and More

We're officially in the dog days of summer here in Maryland and this year that has meant a multi-week stretch of heat, humidity and rain of Biblical proportions that has kept us from doing fun stuff like drinking beer and reading men's action novels by the pool. Luckily it has not affected our ability to drink beer and watch movies.

Between streaming, rentals and the box of 400+ genre titles I recently picked up to sell on eBay (check our store for the latest offerings) viewing has been all over the place of late. Also happy to finally move past "PG only" flicks with my daughter, which certainly opens up our options.

"Are we having fun here?" I'm surprised it took me so long to catch up with AMSTERDAMNED (1988) from director Dick Maas (THE LIFT). An oddball blend of the slasher and aqua-horror genres I love so much, AMSTERDAMNED follows decorated but world-weary detective Eric Visser (Huub Stapel) as he investigates whatever is emerging from the canals of Amsterdam to hack and slash unsuspecting hookers, boaters and bikini-clad babes. There are plenty of suspects to go around – including a fellow cop still bristling because Visser stole his gal – and a meh subplot featuring Visser's daughter and her oddball pal who thinks he's psychic, but Maas packs the flick with enough blood and action to keep you guessing. Feels a bit rushed and anti-climactic but still an enjoyable enough genre mashup.

In ACTS OF VENGEANCE (2017) Antonio Banderas stars as a hot shot lawyer whose wife and kid are killed, leading to a so-so revenge flick from the usually reliable Isaac Florentine. There are some major plot holes and plain old gaffes along the way but it's a halfway decent time-waster and I'm enjoying Banderas' work as he joins the ranks of the Straight To Redbox All-Stars (including SECURITY [2017] which pits Banderas against the always reliable Ben Kingsley in a low-rent riff on DIE HARD.

RAMPAGE (2018 aka THE FAST AND THE CURIOUS) stars Dwayne The Rock Dwayne Johnson as The Rock... nope, wait, Hobbs... nope, uh, Davis? Yes, Davis, some sort of zoological expert who can sign language with a giant albino gorilla (and I don't mean Vin Diesel) named George who goes all ape shit after huffing the contents of a space experiment gone wrong. Unfortunately the space doobie also affected a wolf and gator so we get a loose approximation of the awesome multi-player video game that I dumped a zillion quarters into while waiting for movies to start. Totally worth the $2.12 rental and an instant Background Flick All-Star. Here's hoping the next Godzilla flick is this fun.

“And now my pig… you die!” After a Depression-era prologue we’re thrust into the early 1990s as Cory and the world’s most inexplicable group of “friends” travel to a cabin in the woods and encounter slimy demons in Charles Phillip Moore’s 1990 way out horror flick DEMON WIND. You’ll need more than a handful of beers to get through this blend of Raimi demon gore and dopey Craven dream shenanigans complete with a guy who does magic tricks and front spin kicks.

Other recent watches include: the incoherent AMERICAN STREETFIGHTER (1992) with Gary Daniels; Bruce Campbell and Angus Scrimm in BRAINSLASHER (1992 aka MINDWARP), which seemed sorta fun but the print made half the flick unwatchable; a busty Linda Blair in the frat horror HELL NIGHT (1981); and THE DARK (1979), which I missed at the latest Exhumed Horrorthon, tried watching three times and finally gave up on. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor is the editor/publisher of Exploitation Retrospect and The Hungover Gourmet. No new issues are in the works but he is hard at work getting ER 51 back in print and compiling a Hungover Gourmet omnibus featuring writings from the blog, zine and more.

ZOMBIE PIRATES (2014)

Now that ER #52 has been put to bed it's time to turn our attention to the flicks, zines, books and comics we were not able to get into the latest issue. Stay tuned to the blog as we'll be ramping up the pace with plenty of junk culture and fringe media reviews as summer draws to a close. Today's review comes courtesy of David Zuzelo (Tomb It May Concern) who took the plunge and tested the waters of the new Retromedia TV with the cool looking ZOMBIE PIRATES...

ZOMBIE PIRATES could not have been better targeted than directly at me. Let's see... a kick ass poster of (not surprisingly) ZOMBIE PIRATES? Yep! A description that includes a tribute to THE BLIND DEAD? OK, now I have to buy it. And gore? Oh, sure... there is some gore! What isn't to like? Well, I found ZOMBIE PIRATES to be an entertaining enough micro-budget film that looks sharp and contains a few nifty tributes to the undead Templar titans as well as a few good performances from the leads, though it has so much padding that I think long time trash cinema fanatics will feel like the original GHOST GALLEON plays as fast-paced as a fight from ONG BAK comparatively. While things meander a bit, and I feel like I could now close up a tattoo parlor, right down to changing the paper towels, I really liked it overall! So, recap time...

Linda (Sarah French/Scarlet Salem) is obviously one tough cookie. We meet her as she heads home with a bullet in her shoulder and a grimace on her face. Why? Well, it turns out she has robbed and killed a finder of artifacts (oh oh) and taken not only money, but some other things of mystical import. Enter the ominous, mustachioed Grant (J.C. Pennylegion), who takes a lot of time explaining that she has come into contact with a Necronomicon-esque book that contains the method to feeding flesh to undead pirates in return for silver and other treasures. AS LONG AS YOU DO IT RIGHT! Well, of course...

Linda gets forced into being said skin salesman or footage of her robbery will be sent to the police. She jumps right in, killing dudes left and right with a little seduction or even a sneaky kill a la the opening of HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY... and in comes the mossy maven of malevolence... CAPTAIN LASSARD (Eric Spudic). He looks cool as hell, though the HD video doesn't do the costume many favors in some ways.  This all continues until a bothersome officer of the law, Detective Knofke (Denman Powers) makes the scene and seems to have a fun obsession with using STAYING FOR COFFEE as a strong arm tactic. Make this guy a cup, even after he quits, because he has DNA evidence to hoodwink you out of, ladies. Pretty slick...

The Zombie Pirates have arrived!

But what happens when the cop gets hip, the sacrifice goes late and the ZOMBIE PIRATES lay siege to a rather nice little home on the water? Gore! CGI! FUN!

While it runs too long with many repetitive scenes as Linda drags her white-bagged victims out to sea, or folds and unfolds a chair in her bathing suit, there is a lot to like for the low budget fan. The monster suits are really nice and I was especially impressed by ZOMBIE PARROT as well as a tiny ship shot almost exactly like the Ghost Galleon that Amando de Ossorio forged for The Blind Dead. I think the tiny budget and extremely high quality video camera dents the atmosphere that they were going for when Lassard shows up at the door, but the boat sacrifices and nomnomming are very well done. It's hard to hang a movie on just those sequences however.

A Ghost Galleon by any other name.

Thankfully, the actors do a good job with the material. French pulls off her character's various moods and "take no shit" attitude nicely and her scenes with Powers as the chatty cop are great fun fodder. Something about cops in Retromedia presentations is always fun. While not going for comedy in most instances, the two gel nicely and even I wanted to smack the detective in the head.

Most notable for me is the score is a perfect example of keeping a film flowing even in the dead spots of running time filler. An electronic score that hums beneath the entire film, it's got enough creep to keep my attention even when it starts to wander. Director Steve Sessions knows how to shoot a zombie attack AND score it at the same time. I'm impressed!

Overall, it would take a seasoned micro-budget fan to really love ZOMBIE PIRATES, but it's a serviceable slab of schlock for Blind Dead fanatics to take a look at.

Zombie Pirate nomnoming on a victim.

Another thing of note: this was my first purchase at the launch of RETROMEDIA.TV, a new service from Fred Olen Ray's company. Available through Vimeo, the movies are available to rent (for $3.99 a week) or purchase. Never having tried digital purchasing through Vimeo, I was really pleased with the quality of the product. For $7.99 you get an MP4 file that looks incredibly sharp. While you can stream through Vimeo, it is currently not on the Roku that I use. I simply put the file on a USB stick and played through my blu-ray player. The service could be a huge boon to Funky Cinefiles ready to accept medialess purchase (I'm very hesitant, personally). With the promise of items like an uncut TOMB OF THE WEREWOLF ahead, I'm sure it will be something to watch.

While I can't comment on the DVD release of ZOMBIE PIRATES, I did notice that the Retromedia disc contains HORROR OF THE ZOMBIES/GHOST GALLEON as an extra. Now that is a great flick and will certainly help anyone befuddled by the main feature as to what the tribute mentioned on the box was all about.

Definitely a decent sign of things to come, the Retromedia empire is about to enjoy some digital dominance I hope!

Zombie Parrot says... OUTTA HERE. SQUAAAAAK!!! – David Zuzelo

"Every Town Has Its Legends..."

"Every town has its legends... Bigfoot, Chupacabra, Loch Ness Monster. We have a Snow Shark."

When I was an adolescent my brother and his buddy took me to a dollar theater for a screening of JAWS (they simply wanted to see my reaction to the head popping out of the boat hull) and since that day I've been a sucker for "nature run amok" cinema. Doesn't matter if it's land or sea, real or cryptozoological, I am all in when man's hubris, ecological tampering or misplaced curiosity comes back to bite us in the ass.

Thanks to the unquenchable thirst of outlets like SyFy Channel, Redbox, Netflix and Amazon, "when nature attacks" cinema is back with a vengeance.  Whether it's a deep psychological exploration of an urban legend (2011's THE BARRENS in which Canada poorly apes the Garden State), a boobified remake of a trash classic (I'm looking at you PIRANHA 3D franchise), or a high-concept "you had me at the title" schlockfest like last summer's SHARKNADO (starring Ian Ziering and Tara Reid!), nothing catches my eye quite like a cover that suggests I'll be watching some washed-up 80s pop star get eaten by a creature with the body of a crab and the head of a social worker.

Sam Qualiana's SNOW SHARK – in which an earthquake unleashes the long dormant titular creature from its icy tomb – barely attempts to disguise its ultra-high-concept ("JAWS In The Snow"). After a trio of university researchers disappear in 1999 – presumably eaten by the computer-generated-looking monster – we fast forward to the present day when another snow shark has reared its ugly head. After the monster makes a late-night snack of the local sheriff's son, things get personal and it's up to the cops, a trio of experts, and a cadre of armed hicks led by Mike (writer / director / director of photography / star) Qualiana to destroy the creature.

I have to give SNOW SHARK points for playing the ridiculous material totally straight. While the sight of the creature's dorsal fin cutting through the snow is occasionally guffaw-inducing, the flick never succumbs to the desire to wallow in parody (like the wretched, almost-unwatchable GUMS starring Brother Theodore) and never had me scrambling for the remote. And though he looks like he's late for his gig as a Teddy Roosevelt impersonator, C.J. Qualiana (the director's father) lends the proceedings a certain somber tone and gravitas as the widowed sheriff who has just lost his ne'er do well son to the creature.

Like MACHETE, MACHETE KILLS, THANKSKILLING 3 and other faux grindhouse concepts, SNOW SHARK is probably an idea that plays better as a two-minute trailer or short than a fleshed-out feature. There's perhaps a couple lead characters too many and despite its 79-minute running time I found my interest starting to wander during multiple viewings. But, like a cheap fast food meal grabbed during a long road trip, SNOW SHARK knows what it is and never raises your expectations too high, and there's something to be said for that.

The 27-year-old Qualiana -– who won the Filmmaker to Watch Award at the 2010 Buffalo Screams Horror Film Festival – is currently back in the writer/director/actor chair for the upcoming found footage monster flick THE LEGEND OF SIX FINGERS. Based on what he accomplished with SNOW SHARK I'll certainly give it a look.

SNOW SHARK is available from Amazon.

Recent Watches: August 2013 Edition

Been a little lax about updating things here at the blog. (Stop me if you've heard/read that sentence before.) I'll probably just blame typical summer month shutdown mode. (Sure, that'll work.) Now that school has started back up and cooler weather is just around the corner it's time to start ramping up the viewing (and posting) again. Stay tuned to this blog and our Facebook and Twitter homes for info on the upcoming print edition but in the meantime here's some quickie thoughts on some of my latest views...

"Fresh? You never had anything fresh at this joint!"
With the O's getting trounced and no interesting tennis taking place at the US Open I went trawling for trash on Netflix and stumbled across this odd slice of aquatic horror. JAKE SPEED star Wayne Crawford stars in, co-writes and co-directs this mix of JAWS rip-off and straight-faced conspiracy thriller. No tongue-in-cheek send-up a la PIRANHA or ALLIGATOR, BARRACUDA is all business with Crawford playing a marine biologist who gets mixed up in a major conspiracy in a small town. Forgets about the, you know, barracudas every now and then but you have to love any flick with Crawford tooling around in a dune buggy and getting into gunfights with shadowy land developers (read that "government agents").

"If you don't scream every time... you must be dead."
I have yet to scream while watching SCREAMTIME but it did take me three attempts to watch it. Lightweight anthology flick with wraparound story about two good for nothings who look too old to be boosting VHS tapes from some store in NYC. Some good location footage from a time we'll never see again, including shots of Tad's Steaks and other grimy New York landmarks. For more on culinary landmarks of The Deuce check out SLEAZOID EXPRESS' Bill Landis and Michelle Clifford as they Eat Out The Deuce at The Hungover Gourmet.

"He'll get away when he tries hard enough."
It's like a character actor convention in THE PACK as marine biologist Joe Don Baker (?!) teams up with other Seal Island residents (like RG Armstrong and Richard Shull) to fight off a pack of wild dogs left behind by damn tourists. ENTER THE DRAGON helmer Robert Clouse's 1977 thriller features effective, tense attack scenes and believable performances from both dogs and humans. Underrated dogsploitationer available from Warner Archives (order at Amazon).

"They're not retarded. They're disturbed."
Wall-to-wall atrocious acting and Michael Moriarty's stellar rug highlight this fascinating misfire from usually reliable Larry Cohen. Moriarty is a cultural anthropologist who takes his foul-mouthed son to the cabin he's inherited in Salem's Lot. Turns out the vampires want the truth told about them and have lured Moriarty there to write their bible. Sam Fuller briefly livens things up as a Nazi hunter turned vampire killer, but most of RETURN is a schizo mish-mash that tries to blend horror and comedy with LarCo's observations on modern society. Not good but strangely watchable and available from Warner Archives (order at Amazon).