Thursday, March 21, 2013


Normally this is the time of year when I'm packing the car, putting work on hold and heading south for a week to soak up some sun, play a little golf, eat way too much and drink beers with lunch.

Unfortunately, my daughter's new school has their break after Easter which poses some conflicts that will postpone a jaunt to the land of Krystal and Mickey Mouse for a couple months.

So, with work piling up around me and a weekend of college hoops staring me in the face I decided to spend a little spring break with Umberto Lenzi's WELCOME TO SPRING BREAK! (1988) an oddball kitchen sink slasher with a little bit of everything: an electrocuted biker who may (or may not) be back from the dead; a motorcycle-riding killer with a penchant for electrocution; a sleazy motorcycle gang (with the DEMONS logo on their jackets); a hooker posing as a poor college student; a peeping hotel worker; and breasts, lots of breasts on 80s girls with giant mall hair and big sunglasses.

What's that? You say the only thing missing is a famous college football player who blew the big game and gets mixed up in the murders when he investigates the disappearance of his horny buddy (who is also head of the Beaver Patrol)? Oh okay, we'll throw that in, too.

And while I'm at it would you like John Saxon in his dickiest role ever as an S&M-loving dirty cop who lives in a trailer and gets off on crime scene photos of bound college girls? What about some bonus Michael Parks as a flask-sucking coroner (naturally) who it's insinuated is passing prescription pills to "pretty beach boys"?

Yep, Lenzi pulls out all the stops (there's even a prison breakout, a wet t-shirt contest, the stereotype jokester who keeps faking his own death and an unresolved plotline about an annoying pickpocket) yet WELCOME... (aka NIGHTMARE BEACH) really never comes together. Is it a "mean bikers messing with spring breakers" movie? A vengeful slasher (easily ID'd) offing naughty college kids flick? Is it The Adventures of Ronnie and The Beaver Patrol? Unfortunately, it's a little bit of all three and the constant jumbling of murder, mayhem, plot and spring break shenanigans occasionally conspire to make things draaaaagggg a bit.

Despite those complaints, it's still 90 sleazy minutes of electrocutions (with effects by Carlo Rambaldi's son), boobs, bikers, big hair and Saxon at his teeth-grittingestly finest all set to a super-cheesy 80s rock soundtrack and music by Carlo Simonetti.

In other words, I've had worse spring breaks.

WELCOME TO SPRING BREAK is available from Amazon.

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