31 Days of Fright: Farm Aid

Warning: During the course of reading this review, you may encounter spoilers, and by spoilers, this writer means the revealing of any event that occurs in the film, but not necessarily any surprise. This is because there are no surprises in ALBINO FARM; therefore it would be impossible to reveal any.

And while this may apply to the audience, it doesn't to the characters in ALBINO FARM, a flick recycling the oft-visited 2,000 MANIACS formula of out-of-place dimwits who provide their antagonists with every opportunity to mutilate them.

You see, in order for any of ALBINO FARM's scenarios to transpire, everyone would have to be brain dead.

This time around, the dullards are college students researching a class project. They drive to the middle of nowhere, pester the locals, and investigate a legend of a congregation of damned souls.

Then they act alarmed when they find it.

At least someone didn't see it coming.

One doofus in particular, Brian (Nick Richey), follows the prototypical sex-obsessed moron, convincing others to proceed after being driven recklessly through miles of forest by disfigured degenerates and abandoned at the fence that allegedly marks the Albino Farm. With no weapons of any kind, his blonde-haired chum, Melody (Alicia Lagano), suggests that they begin the long trek back to town, because, one would reason, she doesn't want to die.

Brian disagrees. "If we gotta spend four hours walking back to town, I'm at least going to see a little bit of this farm," he reasons.

Brian dies.

And while it's no big loss, I'm sure Hooters held a moment of silence in his honor.

Logic, a character that, according to sources, was written out of the final script, would have asked at this point, "What do you expect to find in the Albino Farm anyway? You're either going to find a ton of tormented, ultra-violent mutants alienated from society or absolutely nothing. Why don't you just leave?"

Then there's Brian's friend, Sanjay (Sunkrish Bala), who, an hour into the film and only after he, among other things, finds a tree decorated with human bones and watches an elderly woman breastfeeding a baby, declares, "The legend - it's real!"

Nothing gets by these people.

Appearing on-screen a little longer than any semblance of Logic is Chris Jericho (aka Chris Irvine, author of the tremendous memoir, A LION'S TALE: AROUND THE WORLD IN SPANDEX), who, contrary to the marketing campaign that paints him as the lead, rednecks it up for maybe seven minutes. World Wrestling Entertainment's multi-time champion adds a paragraph in the chapter of pro wrestlers tackling fright flicks like Glenn "Kane" Jacobs in 2006's SEE NO EVIL or Mexican icon El Santo (Rodolfo Guzman Huerta) battling the likes of Dracula, Doctor Frankenstein, and the Wolfman (sometimes simultaneously) during the '60s and '70s.

But ALBINO FARM is no EL SANTO VERSUS THE MARTAIN INVASION.

It's just another film.

– Review by Jonathan Pomblon