Virtual Combat aka Grid Runners (1995) starring Don "The Dragon" Wilson and Michael Bernardo

High concept meets low budget in this bonkers mishmash of virtual reality, cyborg hunting, video games, and martial arts tournaments from director Andrew Stevens (whose mom, Stella, pops up as our hero's virtual assistant).

The charisma-free Don “The Dragon” Wilson stars as David Quarry, a “Grid Runner” who protects the borders in a slightly futuristic vision of the western United States. One of the fringe benefits of Quarry’s gig is unlimited use of a virtual reality system overseen by Dr. Cameron (old-time movie star Turhan Bey). But while Quarry’s partner John (Ken McCleod) enjoys the fruits of cyber-sex, the by-the-book Quarry prefers to battle martial arts opponents in a virtual reality tournament he can never quite win.

But things get real when Dr. Cameron discovers a way to use a tub full of neon slime to bring the virtual creations to life. When Cameron’s boss sees what the goo can do, he immediately has him create two of the cyber-babes in order to make a fortune selling obedient sex slaves to rich weirdoes. What Cameron doesn’t know is that the goo has also unleashed Dante (Michael Bernardo), Quarry’s unbeatable adversary from the dreaded Level 10, who has designs on bringing his fellow VR baddies into this world.

Will Quarry defeat Dante and his minions before its too late? Can a Grid Runner find true love with a virtual reality sex-bot? Why does slightly futuristic Las Vegas look just like it did in 1995, except everybody has an oversized flip phone? How come Dante sounds just like the Klingon from STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION? And, wait, was that the disembodied head of Rip Taylor?

You’ll barely have time to ponder these questions as VIRTUAL COMBAT zips along from one ridiculous scene to the next and efficiently wraps itself up in 87 minutes. – Dan Taylor

Der Schwarze Abt (1963, aka The Black Abbott) starring Klaus Kinski, Joachim Fuchsberger, Eddi Arent

If you're a Klaus Kinski fanatic, you're bound to become a krimi watcher. It's impossible to neglect this crucial, early chapter in his career, which includes close to two dozen films made during the 1960s. THE BLACK ABBOTT (aka DER SCHWARZE ABT) is one of Klaus's earliest krimi appearances, falling between THE BLACK COBRA (DIE SCHWARZE KOBRA) and THE INDIAN SCARF (DAS INDISCHE TUCH), all 1963.

Most, if not all, the krimis I've seen – and my exposure has been admittedly sparse – have been of the "whodunit" variety, with a masked or unseen figure carrying off a spate of crimes that leave sleuths of the professional and amateur type scratching their heads. Red herring after red herring is laid at the viewer's feet until everything comes careening together in a last-minute unmasking that's filled with twists, turns and the inevitable revelation of false identities.

It's no wonder these flicks give me a headache.

The plotting is typically dense despite their compact running times, background info on characters is often sketchy and picked up on the fly, and you'd need a scorecard to keep track of the intertwining relationships of everybody involved. THE BLACK ABBOTT is no exception, though it's far less of a "whodunit" than it is a thriller packed with traditional krimi elements.

Krimi regular Joachim Fuchsberger (DER HEXER's Inspector Higgins) stars here as Dick Alford, cousin and administrator to Lord Chelford (Dieter Borsche), the last lord of Fossaway Manor. When hunter Mr. Smooth gets offed by the hooded Black Abbott in the film's pre-credit sequence, Inspector Puddler (Charles Regnier) and comic relief assistant Horatio Smith (omnipresent Eddi Arent) arrive in order to get to the bottom of things.

Naturally, there's no shortage of villains and nefarious types to choose from. There's Gilder (Werner Peters of THE THOUSAND EYES OF DR. MABUSE), a blackmailing corporate secretary leading a double life as a bookie who lusts after Leslie, the sister of his employer, Arthur Gine (Harry Wustenhagen). Gine, of course, is a degenerate gambler who has unwittingly paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to Gilder through the years and also happens to be embezzling from the Chelford fortune. Mary Wenner (Eva Ingeborg Scholz) is a heartless gold-digger with designs on becoming Lady Chelford so she can get her hands on the legendary Chelford treasure.

Alford is no prince, either. He's up to some kind of shenanigans with his cousin's physician, Dr. Loxon (Friedrich Schoenfelder) all the while taking horseback rides and long walks with Leslie Gine (Grit Bottcher), his cousin's intended. Got that? If so, maybe you can explain it all to me.

Last, but certainly not least, is Kinski as Thomas Fortuna, the detached, almost robotic butler of Fossaway Manor. A whimsical smile dancing across his lips, the role of the butler who is more than he appears to be is perfectly suited to Kinski's icily superior air. In one of my favorite exchanges in the witty script, Lord Chelford informs Fortuna that "The more I see you the more I dislike you" to which the butler replies, "I regret, my lord, that my face annoys you."

As I said, THE BLACK ABBOTT is less a whodunit than a thriller with Lord Chelford slowly but surely embracing his paranoia about everybody and descending into complete madness. Mary and Gilder team up to search for the hidden treasure while the rest of the cast (or so it seems) starts hanging around the estate's gravel pit. And not one but two Black Abbotts appear along the way, with neither being the red herring I suspected.

I don't like divulging plot details, especially when it comes to krimis, so I'll end it there. The flick looks great, all crisp black and white with a splash of red thrown in at the beginning and end credits. The clever script by Johannes Kai and director Franz Josef Gottleib is a tad convoluted, but that's to be expected when compressing one of Wallace's novels into an 88-minute running time, and prolific composer Martin Bottcher does a nice job of contemporizing the staid pastoral setting with his funky score.

As for Klaus, I dug this performance more than his turn in 1961's DEAD EYES OF LONDON. He's condescending while at the same time deferential and his head often seems too big for his body, making him resemble a walking bobblehead. – Dan Taylor

Dan Taylor dug Klaus Kinski back before it was cool to dig Klaus Kinski.

Creature from the Hillbilly Lagoon (2007) starring Andrew Vellenoweth, Tanith Fiedler

I've never hidden my affection for mutant monster flicks or nature-run-amok cautionary tales. Whether it's a big-budget spectacle like JAWS, a B-movie rip-off in the PIRANHA vein, or even a straight-to-video attempt such as Brett Piper’s under appreciated THEY BITE, I'm always in the mood for a bit of good-natured creature-on-the-loose horseplay.

Unfortunately, that can frequently lead to watching stuff like the endless tedium of AQUANOIDS, the over-hyped LAKE PLACID, or 2007’s CREATURE FROM THE HILLBILLY LAGOON. Thought it sports great box art of a mutant monster about to attack a bodacious, beer-hungry backwoods hunny, the flick will quickly have you longing for the relative subtlety of a Troma flick.

Way over-plotted for something called CREATURE FROM THE HILLBILLY LAGOON, the flick opens with two redneck workers drinking Piels (is that even made anymore?) and goofing off. Naturally, Cooter—the more mentally-challenged of the pair—gets coated with toxic goo and tries to wash it off in the creek.

Enter the team of old-looking college students that includes such stock issue characters as the skinny dork, hard-bodied gay dude, and shy but hung "hero", plus two broads with some of the most hideous tattoos I've ever seen. Led by their wheelchair-bound professor (who appears to be about the same age), the students are there to chart the local eco-system and figure out why it has changed so dramatically—almost overnight. The simple answer is that exposure to the toxic crud is turning everybody who comes into contact with it into crazoid fish freaks. 

Unfortunately, the filmmakers weren't content with that simple, effective plotline and overload things with a student who turns out to be a corporate security officer, a "cleanup crew" there to take care of the fish creatures and students, a hillbilly girl with a weird fish fucking fetish, rogue scientists, bad puns, references to the bad puns, a mutant fish monster in a dress serving tea, fish creature rape, and a sea (sorry) of angry, mutating fish people.

On one hand I'm glad that people are still making schlock like this. But I really wish CREATURE could make up its mind and decide what it wants to be. Is it going to be funny? Scary? Bloody? Titty? Unfortunately, it ends up being such an overambitious, directionless hodgepodge of all the above that it's hard to care about the flick on almost any level. — Dan Taylor

Bloody Moon (1981) starring Olivia Pascal, Alexander Waechter, and Jess Franco

Opening five years before the film’s main events, BLOODY MOON finds poor, disfigured Miguel (Alexander Waechter) stalking the babes at his aunt’s International Youth Club School of Languages. (Just think of it as the camp from FRIDAY THE 13TH or any other slasher setting filled with nubile teens running off to have sex in the woods.) Rejected by his sister Manuela (Nadja Gerganoff) with whom he has had an incestual relationship of some degree, Miguel steals a Mickey Mouse mask, fools some poor, dumb language student and brutally stabs her to death with a pair of scissors after she unmasks him in her boudoir.

Five years later Doctor Franco releases Miguel into Manuela’s care and they head directly back to the language school campus, despite the good doctor’s warning that he should avoid tension and any mention of the horrible events of “that night”. Savvy viewers who have seen, um, more than two slashers will be keenly aware that despite all suggestions to the contrary Miguel is, as they say a red herring.

The all-girl language school setting provides Franco and awesomely named scribe Rayo Casablanca with plenty of victims, not to mention countless opportunities for dressing, undressing, topless sunbathing and all manner of running about in hideous 80s fashions. Filled with catty, slutty, trim, big-breasted students, the language school also feature a staff that includes Christoph Moosbrugger as Alvarro, the school’s randy language instructor and Peter Exacoustos as randy handyman/gardener Antonio.

When Angela (Olivia Pascal) shows up a week into the school’s class schedule (despite the fact she was inexplicably on the same train as Miguel and Manuela), she learns than her bungalow was the site of the brutal murder shown in the flick’s HALLOWEEN-inspired opening. It’s not long before a black-gloved killer is stalking Angela, killing people in her room and then spiriting their bodies away in an attempt to make her look like a nut.

The script makes almost no attempt to disguise the mystery and even the laziest viewer will figure it out without much effort. I’m not sure if it’s due to the inept screenplay or Franco’s “who cares” attitude when it comes to logic (probably both), but BLOODY MOON is packed with so many nonsensical asides and dubious plot threads that it’s simply best to forget about the flick’s “mystery” elements and concentrate instead on what makes it such trashy fun – relentless nudity and several bloody set pieces, including an impressive stone mill power saw sequence that was finally shown complete when Severin put out the disc I screened.

While not on par with the insane brilliance of something like PIECES, I must give Franco credit. BLOODY MOON gives the dopiest of 80s slasher flicks a run for its money, thanks to its fast pace (the flick is barely 85 minutes long), topless babes, ridiculous dialogue, and enough gory mayhem to make up for the gaping holes in logic.

If 80s trash cinema and/or old school slasher flicks are what you desire, BLOODY MOON delivers more treats than tricks. – Dan Taylor

Asian Connection (2016) starring Steven Seagal, Pim Bubear, John Edward Lee, and Sahajak Boonthanakit

ASIAN CONNECTION opens with a somber, sleepy voiceover from Avalon (Pim Bubear) as she wistfully recalls her first encounter with Jack (John Edward Lee who looks like the genetic car crash of Josh Duhamel, Steve Zahn and Walton Goggins), an American ex-pat living in Thailand who sports Asian tattoos, rides motorcycles, and robs banks with his trigger-happy Brit buddy, Sam (Byron Gibson).

Unfortunately, Jack and Sam make the mistake of hitting a small Cambodian bank packed to the gills with marked bills from the cache of crime lord Gan Sirankiri (Seagal) and his brother. From there it doesn’t take long for Sirankiri’s henchman Niran (Sahajak Boonthanakit) to track Jack down and make him an offer he literally can’t refuse—rob the banks I tell you to rob and cut me in for half or I spill the beans and do unspeakable things to your girl.

From there the D-grade blend of POINT BREAK and TRUE ROMANCE (with partial story credit to the late Tom Sizemore, who appeared in both of those better flicks) lurches from plot point to plot point as Sam does boneheaded things and Niran plots his ascent while Jack and Avalon find themselves caught between the cops and Seagal’s gang.

While not a waste of time like some post-prime Seagal outings (I’m looking at you AGAINST THE DARK), ASIAN CONNECTION suffers from material that feels a bit too familiar as well as flat acting from both Bubear and Lee. The script, credited to D. Glase Lomond, never establishes the deep connection Jack and Avalon are supposed to have, and saddling Bubear with lines like “Do me on this pile of cash…” only makes matters worse.

Kudos to the casting director and director Daniel Zirilli, though, for juicing the flick with guys like Gibson and Boonthanakit (HARD TARGET 2), both of whom bring an energy to their performances that keeps the leads from sinking the whole endeavor. Also watch for action icon Michael Jai White in a brief role as arms dealer “Greedy Greg” and then sit back and wonder, like I did, how he isn’t a big star. Better yet, track down White’s NEVER BACK DOWN: NO SURRENDER (2016) or FALCOLN RISING (2014).

Fellow Seagal completists will be happy to hear that our hero is used sparingly and never embarrasses himself. Oh sure, you’ll snicker at his blousy outfits, avert your eyes during a slow-motion martial arts foreplay session and audibly gasp when he gets really mad and flips over a food-filled table (I swear I saw a tear trickle down his cheek). But I’d like to see him play against type more often since he’s reached the point where his ever-increasing bulk, shoe-polish goatee and menacing wheeze make him far more suited to a villain than a vengeance-seeking hero. – Dan Taylor 

This review previously appeared in Exploitation Retrospect #53, still available from Amazon.

Kill ‘Em All 2 (2024) starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Peter Stromare

After ending 2024 with BEYOND THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE, I wanted to start the new year with something a little more challenging. Something that would stimulate my inner cinephile. 

Oh, who am I kidding? As soon as the Rose Bowl got out of reach, I trawled through the streaming junkpile until I settled on 2024’s Jean-Claude Van Damme revenge actioner KILL ‘EM ALL 2.

I was slightly worried that having either not seen or totally forgotten 2017’s KILL ‘EM ALL (regarded as one of JCVD’s worst direct-to-video efforts) I’d be lost by the plot intricacies (hah!), but that wasn’t the case.

Van Damme returns as Phillip, a retired spy who has settled down in a small Italian village after the events of the first film. Living a life off the grid with his daughter Vanessa (Jacqueline Fernandez), all is well until Vlad (the younger brother of the villain from KILL ‘EM ALL) locates him and pulls out all the stops to exact revenge. Our hero must save himself and his daughter from a bevy of evil Eastern European stereotypes while also protecting the village that he loves.

From there it’s all double crosses, shootouts, and fast-edit-fistfights as we head to the inevitable showdown. Unfortunately, JCVD is edging into The Seagal Zone, in which there’s lots of half-hearted stunt doubling and the occasional vocal impersonation because the star was probably off shooting something else and couldn’t be brought back for dubbing. Still, its miles ahead of most of the dreck Seagal has been cranking out for the last couple decades.

In its defense, KEA2 zips through its 85-minute running time and it’ll be over before you go “why am I watching this…”. Bonus points for bringing back the always-reliable Peter Stromare (as Agent Holman) and look for JCVD’s son Nicholas (billed as Nic Van Damme) in a small role. – Dan Taylor

Money Plane (2020) starring Adam Copeland and Kelsey Grammer

After a botched museum heist, professional thief Jack Reese (Adam Copeland, better known for wrestling under the names Edge and Sexton Hardcastle) must accept an almost impossible job from mobster Darius “The Rumble” Grouch III (Kelsey Grammer). Reese and his crew must steal the cash and cryptocurrency aboard the infamous Money Plane, an airborne casino where notorious criminals wager on everything from a live game of Russian Roulette to how long it will take a man to die from a cobra bite.

Posing as human traffickers and a stewardess, Reese and his team commandeer the plane and set about stealing the loot, all while Reese’s pal (Thomas Jane) protects his family (Denise Richards) and gets to the bottom of the botched art heist.

Unfortunately, the fun concept is ruined by ham-fisted execution from writer/director Andrew Lawrence, who also co-stars as Iggy, Reese’s team member on the ground tasked with downloading the crypto. And, yes, Lawrence is the brother of Joey Lawrence (BLOSSOM), who plays the plane’s concierge, named “Concierge”. At least he’s not named Joe or Joey, like most of Lawrence’s acting roles. (A third Lawrence shows up in a ridiculous cowboy hat and fake mustache as, you guessed it, “The Cowboy”.)

If you make the mistake of renting this or better yet, finding it at your local library like I did, the whole thing lurches along quickly enough that it’s fairly painless but you’ll hate yourself—and the film—afterwards. Best enjoyed with an adult beverage or three as you contemplate which vacation home Grammer and Jane used this to make mortgage payments on. – Dan Taylor