I hope you've had time to settle into your seats now that the trailers are over. And speaking of coming attractions, who better to see if PORN SHOOT MASSACRE delivers on its title than Cinesludge's own Evil Monk #2 (cue the "Mwuhahahaha!"), David Zuzelo...
"What the hell is that? It's not a sex toy... It's a weapon. Oh, God."
With a title like PORN SHOOT MASSACRE I went in expecting a little sex, a little violence and hopefully a few chuckles. Not exactly popshotting for the moon, I put the disc in and right away got a pleasant surprise. Wrestling fans and Goth Chick aficionados may remember Ariel (Shelly Martinez) from WWE's iteration of ECW fondly. Maybe her role as Salinas in TNA? Or how about Cle-Ho-Patra in Womens Erotic Wrestling? Ahem...well, you get LOTS of nude n' sudsy Shelly to start the flick off right and I'll cop to it, I was one happy viewer. And then...THEY KILL HER! Lamely. That means there's more talking, gesturing, acting and stuff to come.
But like the cool jock-strappy masked maniac of the film, I took this line of dialog to heart: "Brute...finish the task."
Once we watch Martinez blow off a porn producer for a new guy in town, it's time to get to it. A variety of attractive women show up for a porn shoot (I saw that coming) and they end up getting massacred in a variety of ways. I saw that coming, too. From the bitchy dominatrix to the hot woman told to really make LOVE to her companion, nobody is safe as brutish Brute pops up to off the ladies.
The story does get a little more complicated as we go along, especially the character of the false mustachioed director who looks like he jumped out of a spankhouse special of the 70s such as THE SEXUALIST. There is a final girl (and you have to watch for her almost final walk alone as a crew member attempts to hide behind a fence!) and she's accompanied by the repentant cinema generating scuzzbag to the final battle with BRUTE. It's here where the film actually works for a few scenes as the duo come up with the best possible slasher plan I'd never thought of. Yes, our sexy siren comes up with this line... "OK, I'll shoot him while he's killing you!"
Now that is a plan! And it works... kind of. You have to watch it to find out.
PORN SHOOT MASSACRE benefits by delivering enough skin and sin blended with a few really silly stalkings and off-screen deaths that look solid on the technical level. The editing actually generates some tension and the score by Mark Palmieri gets props for balancing out the sexy sounds and the screamy electrobooping with a pretty even hand.
If you WANT to watch PORN SHOOT MASSACRE, I have faith that you will be satiated by the stuff you come for. If you are in the mood for a themed massacre, I'd stick with Texas, or a Sorority House or Slumber Party. But if you're like me, you finally got to see Kevin Thorn's valet naked... and that is good enough for this viewer! – David Zuzelo
David Zuzelo is the titan of TOMB IT MAY CONCERN and one of the muck-wallowing monks of CINESLUDGE. You can find his media mangling at both those spots as well as here at Exploitation Retrospect, where he is a regular contributor. Check out our latest issue for David Z's look at a handful of installments of the Nikkatsu Erotic Film Collection as well as other slices of sinema.
PORN SHOOT MASSACRE is available from Amazon.