Friday, October 12, 2012

31 DAYS OF FRIGHT: Mmmm, Friday Porkchop... Sacrelicious

My parents were pretty strict Catholics. How strict? I bet they wouldn't have wanted me to watch a movie called PORKCHOP II: RISE OF THE RIND on a Friday! But that certainly doesn't apply to longtime ER contributor Doug Waltz who gets to the, er, meat of the matter with his review of this porcine sequel. And be sure to check out the Kickstarter campaign for Doug's quirky new movie GINGERSQUATCH. It's the epic tale of a ginger who is raised by a Sasquatch and released into civilization. And if you don't wanna see that, well, you might be reading the wrong blog! Take it away, Doug!

Okay, before we get into the review and whatnot, I would like to address what the obvious question might be: do you need to watch the first Porkchop movie?

Lord, I hope not.

The flick tells of this giant of a man who wears a pig’s head for a mask and slaughters people left and right for no good reason. Seems he had a pet pig when he was a young’un. He loved that pig. Then his parents killed the pig and forced him to eat it. Yeah, then he snapped, killed his parents and ate them. Ever since then he roams the woods looking for people to kill.

Now, in the sequel, Simon (Sam Qualiana) and his parents are moving into Porkchop territory. Seems they had to sell the old house and move away to where there was work. Simon is less than happy about the entire situation and is belligerent enough that his father kicks him out of the car and makes him walk the rest of the way to the new house.

It’s there that he meets Meg (Angela Pritchett), who is more than a little odd. They hit it off right away and become very good friends.

Simon endures the Hell that is going to a new school and Meg thinks they should have a party. Things fall into place when Simon’s parents have to hunt down the moving truck. That’s what happens when you hire guys off Craigslist who will work for beer.

The kids arrive and the fun begins. Well, if your name is Porkchop, that is.

PORKCHOP II is what a lot of sequels are … terrible. I give director Eamon Hardiman credit for trying new things, like the musical number. Yes, this slasher movie has a musical number. It’s terrible. The effects are your basic 80’s style latex and gore type of thing and are done very well. At least there wasn’t any of that damned CGI that so many low-budget horror films seem to flock to these days.

The true highlight of the film is Angela Pritchett as Meg, Simon’s odd girlfriend. She brings the quirky to the table and runs with it. Very funny. The movie does make sure to inundate us with blood and boobs so there is very little to complain about in that category.

But, there’s just something so damned dull about the entire movie. It’s just a cookie-cutter sequel with nothing to really recommend it. The real bad news is that there is a PORKCHOP 3 coming out. In 3-D. If PORKCHOP II: RISE OF THE RIND is any indication of what is coming that’s going to be another crapfest.

The DVD has behind-the-scenes, a trailer and commentary. I didn’t bother with any of them. It just seemed pointless.

PORKCHOP II: RISE OF THE RIND is available from Amazon

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