Exploitation Retrospect

From Scooby-Doo to TORSO: January 2012 Viewings

2012-02-02T06:09:00.000-05:00

Work, weather and other factors usually keep my winter viewing to a minimum but this year has – pleasantly – been a bit of a change. Efforts to find a better balance between life and business seem to be working and the year kicked off on some cinematic high notes. There was only one real dud in the bunch (NEW YEAR'S EVIL), a couple surprises (MONEYBALL, MYSTERY TEAM), another solid Eli Roth-helmed horror flick (HOSTEL II) and what would have easily made my Top 5 from 2011 had I seen it last year (RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES).

Monthly Total: 11 films (11 new/0 rewatches)

Year-to-Date: 11 films (11 new/0 rewatches)

UNKNOWN

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Another "Liam Neeson Takes on the Baddies" actioner, this time with Neeson playing a professor who loses his identity after a car crash puts him in a coma. Entertaining but unmemorable with a nice supporting bit by Bruno Ganz and yet another wretchedly jaw-dropping turn from January Jones. Since Neeson ripped off Steven Seagal's BELLY OF THE BEAST for TAKEN, I think Big Steve should remake UNKNOWN as BIG FAT COMA KILLER.

COLD WAR ON ICE

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Excellent documentary from NBC Sports Channel on the "friendly" ice hockey series between the USSR and Canadian All-Stars back in the early 1970s. Succeeds in making Phil Esposito downright charming and funny. Not as good as some of the recent sports docs from ESPN and HBO but always nice to have somebody else churning these out.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

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As a huge POTA fan I was frankly a bit nervous about this one. I really wanted to see the franchise rebooted but didn't want something like that Burton abomination. Luckily, this loose remake of CONQUEST fires on all cylinders and succeeds at being smart, funny, intense and even a little touching. Can't wait to see what they do from here.

MYSTERY TEAM

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What happens when those cute, mystery-obsessed kids turn into dorky mystery-obsessed teens? That's the premise of this slightly raunchy comedy starring Donald Glover, and your appreciation of the flick will probably track with how much you like Glover and his role on NBC's COMMUNITY. I was expecting something much more light-hearted and genteel (guess I didn't notice that 'R' rating!) so I was pleasantly surprised by the myriad gross gags and occasional nudity. Filled with familiar faces from NBC's Thursday night comedies.

OUT OF REACH

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Speaking of Big Steve, here's another in a seemingly-endless line of action thrillers lensed in Eastern Europe. This time he's a do-gooder whose foreign foster kid disappears into the clutches of a human trafficking ring run by Vince from the FAST & FURIOUS movies. Appears to have been made simply so Seagal could have a sword fight with the villain.

NEW YEAR'S EVIL

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I feel like I'm officially scraping the bottom of the barrel of First Wave Slashers. You'd think a horror flick set at a New Year's Eve new wave concert hosted by Pinky Tuscadero (Roz Kelly) would have some potential. Unfortunately, this is an exercise in tedium that will have you yelling "Kill 'em all!" by the halfway point.

HOSTEL II

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I know Eli Roth is a frequent genre fanboy punching bag, but I sure as hell can't figure out why. Frankly, my only complaint about Roth is that he isn't more prolific! HOSTEL II continues his stretch of solid horror efforts as another group of college kids run afoul of the murder-for-pleasure ring operating out of European youth hostels. Funnier and more self-assured than the original, HOSTEL II features some great black humor to go along with the grisly, bloody effects and Roth tips his cap to Eurotrash with some choice cameos.

MONEYBALL

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There doesn't seem to be much middle ground with this flick. People I've talked to have either loved it or compared it to such eyeball-searing activities as paint drying or grass growing. Personally, I thoroughly enjoyed it, not as a baseball or sports movie but as a film about passionate individuals looking to make a paradigm shift in how something has been done for 100 years. It could have been about cricket or publishing or knitting – I just liked the idea that the answer "because that's how we've always done it" wasn't good enough for them. Plus, I don't think I've ever actually *liked* Brad Pitt or Jonah Hill in a movie before.

OUR IDIOT BROTHER

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The biggest problem I had with this comedy was accepting the idea that Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Daschanel, Emily Mortimer and Paul Rudd are siblings. Once I got over that I enjoyed this look at three sisters and their goofy, well-meaning, but dumb as a box of rocks brother. Rudd gets booted from his life on a farm after selling pot to a uniformed cop and he spends the flick bouncing from sister to sister, alternately ruining and improving their lives as he plots how to get his beloved dog back from his ex. Not a lot of heavy lifting but a good cast elevates the predictable material.

SCOOBY-DOO AND THE LEGEND OF THE PHANTOSAUR

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And the Scooby-Doo flicks just keep on coming! (Much to my daughter's delight.) This one features Scooby and the gang heading to a new age spa after Shaggy suffers one too many scares. Naturally, a nearby archaeology dig is plagued by a glowing, fire-breathing dinosaur and a hypnotized Shaggy turns into a tough guy whenever anybody says the word "bad". An average effort with just enough jokes and gags aimed at adults.

TORSO

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My Year of Segio Martino got off to a rousing start with my first viewing of this underrated giallo. Who is offing the bitchy girls at the local university? Is it the can't-take-no-for-an-answer student, the creepy uncle who peeps on his leggy niece, the solid-jawed doctor, the prickly prof or the rat-faced scarf vendor? Your guess is as good as mine as Martino deftly drops enough red herrings to keep me unsure until the final moments. This tension-packed thriller – which is also jammed with copious nudity and gratuitous J&B placements – deserves more love as Martino effortlessly segues from chilling scenes of murder to dark humor. It's no wonder the aforementioned Eli Roth loves this flick and lauds it as a major influence on HOSTEL II.

Just KNOWING I'm Gonna Hate TOUCH

2012-01-27T08:00:00.000-05:00

Since 24 went off the air I must admit that I've missed my weekly dose of Kiefer Sutherland. Sure, the show got a little long-in-the-tooth as it went on and first-season shockers like "the death of Jack Bauer's wife" were quickly replaced by idiotic shockers like "the rat-faced guy is Jack's evil(er) brother". But for a serial network thriller 24 tended to deliver the goods and had great guest stars like Dennis Haybert, Peter Weller and Swarthy Fred Ward.

So when FOX announced that Sutherland was returning to the airwaves in a drama created by Tim Kring – who gets a pass from me for delivering that first and only good season of HEROES – I was sorta intrigued. But as each relentless network promo pounded away at me during the NFL playoffs, the show looked less and less appealing.

Did I really want to spend an hour each week with sad-sack Kiefer and his mute kid – with Danny Glover in tow – running around solving mysteries that emerged from the kid's spooky 'ciphering? And, was it just me or did this look a lot like a less apocalyptic, small screen version of the Nicolas Cage flick KNOWING?

I've never seen the Cage flick – directed by Alex Proyas who did the okay adaptation of THE CROW and the absolutely awesome DARK CITY – but I went back and checked out Tom Crites' review from the ER website. Oddly enough, reading the review – reprinted below – pretty much put me off TOUCH but makes me want to wallow in KNOWING at the next available opportunity. Read on!

Now this is a two-hour shit-stabbing if I ever sat through one: hours of an aging Nicolas Cage running around trying to save the world and managing to look more and more like a balding wrinkled nutsack as he does so. The trailers gave KNOWING a definite apocalyptic flair, and the film does have that in spades; unfortunately there are only three of these scenes in the entire movie. Are they worth it? You be the judge.

Oh yeah, by the way, I'm gonna spoil the shit out of the ending. On purpose. You'll know why. If you'd rather not be cheated, just ignore the film and this review altogether. M'kay?

It begins back in 1959, where a spooky little girl named Lucinda Embry (Lara Robinson) has come up with the winning entry for the dedication ceremony of William Dawes Elementary School. It's a time capsule, and the idea is that all of the kids in the class will each draw a picture for the children of the future to share when the capsule is opened years from now. But instead of drawing rocket ships Lucinda covers a sheet of paper, front and back, with a continuous string of apparently random numbers. Maybe it's all of that time she spends staring directly into the sun, but then again it could be that she's being guided by the whispering voices she hears. So intent upon her project is she in fact that her teacher Ms. Taylor actually has to tear the page away from her so that it can be sealed for burial. A little while later Lucinda is found in a closet, scratching numbers into the door with her fingernails...

Flash forward 50 years (Really? Are you sure you don't want to make a mini-series out of this?), and uber-drunk John Koestler (Nicolas Cage) is playing single father to bratty, precocious, half-deaf, vegetarian twerp Caleb (Chandler Canterbury). And teaching dispiriting classes on astrophysics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. When the time capsule is opened to celebrate "50 Years of Education" and the envelopes containing the mid-century students' artwork are passed out to the class of today, Caleb receives Lucinda's envelope and the accompanying character string. And it's at about this same time that whispering strangers start to show up and shadow the boy.

That night, through the brilliance of a drunken accident, John starts dicking around with the number string on Lucinda's legacy. And in no time at all he discovers that many of the figures represent dates and casualty counts related to infamous accidents and disasters: 9/11/01/2996, for a glaring example. Other numbers remain unexplained, but what troubles John the most is that some of the dates haven't yet passed. In fact, one falls on tomorrow's date, with the numbers predicting that 81 people will die.
John stays up all night channel surfing, looking for the news report of the scheduled disaster. With no results. It isn't until he's stuck in traffic, in the rain, on the way to pick up his kid that catastrophe strikes. And when it does it hits right in front of him; just as his GPS clues him in to the fact that the mystery numbers stand for latitude and longitude, a jetliner comes hurtling out of the sky, striking an electrical tower and scraping a wing across the crowded freeway before crashing and burning in a nearby field.

John goes running straight into the flaming debris to help, but he is simply overwhelmed by the sight of so many passengers burning alive. In fact, as he watches one group of survivors fleeing the wreckage of the main cabin, they are suddenly engulfed in an enormous fireball of an explosion. Emergency crews arrive and push John aside, where he can only stand in shock, staring at the flames and burning bodies all around him.

Afterwards John is a little more than a little bit shaken up. Not only because he watched multiple people burn to death, but because he's sure that it was no coincidence that he happened to be right there when the accident took place. He's convinced that the numbers are a warning meant for him - and there are still two disasters yet to take place. (Well, three if you count the widespread release of this film.)

John continues to delve into the origin of the sheet of code, more intent than ever on preventing the upcoming disasters. Although Lucinda Embry died years ago a newspaper obituary provides her married name, and John soon begins to stalk her daughter Diana (Rose Byrne) and Diana's daughter Abby (Lara Robinson). And, in the hope that Diana can shed some additional light on the situation, John takes Caleb along with him to the aquarium for a contrived meeting with Diana and Abby. But upon speaking with him Diana quickly decides that she doesn't want anything to do with some crackpot theorist who reeks of single malt digging into her family history, and the meeting ends abruptly. So, John goes home and gets his gun.

Dumping Caleb at his sister Grace's place, John plots the coordinates of the next anticipated tragedy and heads into Manhattan. Going down into a subway station he chases a suspicious-looking character onto one of the trains, but by the time he realizes that the guy is just a shoplifter the doors have shut and the train starts to move. Just as another train heading toward them at speed is shunted onto the same track due to an electrical malfunction. The oncoming train hits at force, leaping the track and literally tearing through the subway platform, grinding a host of commuters to jelly as it does so. John is unharmed, but just as predicted many others are not.

Now be forewarned; the end of the world may be nigh, but the film is only half over. You're going to have to sit through almost an hour of talky bullshit before Armageddon arrives. So you may want to get up and get a drink now.?Later that evening when John brings Caleb home he finds Diana and Abby camping out on his front porch. When the kids go inside Diana tells him that the last date on the sheet, 10/19/09, is a date her mother often spoke of: it's the day Diana's supposed to die.
John drives them all out to Lucinda's home, left largely untouched since she committed suicide by overdose when Diana was nine. Leaving the sleeping children in the car to be approached by the whispering people, John and Diana enter the house and begin to poke around. In doing so John comes across a bedframe that explains the curious backwards 'E's at the end of the number string: scratched into the underside of the wood are the words "Everyone Else," repeated over and over again. And the date for that final event is tomorrow's.

Summoned by the sound of the car horn the parents rush back outside, where John pulls his handgun and chases the whispering people off into the woods. Cornering one of them John demands to know what they want, whereupon the man turns around and opens his mouth, emitting a burst of light that leaves John stunned and helpless. Once he recovers and takes them all back home, Diana admits that the whispering fellows have been following she and Abby for some time.

In the morning John visits a colleague at the observatory and, based upon something that Abby said before, begins looking at the projected activity of solar super-flares. And it looks like one is scheduled to occur later that day; one that would completely destroy the earth's ozone layer.
Diana tells John about a little-known cave system where they might be safe, and it sounds like a good idea to him. But upon finding Caleb in a trance, desperately scrawling out his own series of numbers, John decides to make a pit stop at Dawes Elementary. Breaking into the building he miraculously manages to find the door that Lucinda was clawing at 50 years ago, and tearing it from its hinges he hauls it back home. As an increasingly frantic Diana protests John begins scraping away a recent layer of paint, explaining that Lucinda must have added another set of coordinates after she was prevented from completing her list. John is now looking for that final portion of the code, but as he works away Diana loads the kids into her car and hits the road. By the time John uncovers the numbers and plugs the coordinates into his cell phone application, he realizes that he's all alone.

On the way to the caves Diana stops at a gas station and catches an emergency broadcast on the mini-mart's television. Warning of the increasing severity of solar activity, the transmission instructs citizens to stock up on supplies and find underground shelter. While she's inside Caleb sneaks out to call Dad, and when Diana finds him she takes the phone and is told by John that the new numbers reflect the location of Lucinda's mobile home; that's where they need to go. Diana is insistent upon the caves, despite John's warning that the radiation will penetrate a mile underground, and as they argue back and forth the whispering people show up and drive away with the children.

Diana steals another car and gives chase, only to be broadsided by a lumber truck when she runs a red light. John shows up at the gas station just as widespread panic is setting in, and getting some information from the attendant he goes after Diana. He finds her in the back of an ambulance at the crash site, given up on as unresponsive by the EMTs.

Somehow following the trail of shiny black pebbles that have been popping up throughout the film, John manages to track the whispering people to an isolated woodland location. He finds them, along with the kids who tell him that everything is all right; it was the whispering people who originally sent the code to Lucinda half a century ago with the goal of saving the children. And now the children must leave the planet with them in order to start over and save the human race. All of this as a gigantic spacecraft appears and drifts down to earth and the whispering people metamorphose into angelic extraterrestrial beings and carry the children away into the heavens, followed by an array of innumerable identical ships.

Of course the adults can't go, so John is left to sizzle on the baking planet. There's the requisite bit of weepy family reunion horseshit before this happens of course, and by now the audience is truly primed for an epic disaster. And, after a lot of fancy CGI work and more scenes of civil unrest, and some unnecessary Christian nonsense about this not really being the end, the end of the world does arrive in the form of a massive firestorm that sweeps the Earth, turning people and buildings into cinders in seconds. There's some additional religious allegory about a new Eden, and thank fuck that's all over.

And are you fucking kidding me? If I would have paid to see this I think I would have shat directly in my seat. For fucksake, that's even worse than the ending in POLTERGEIST II when Grandma's angel comes out to save the family from the H.R. Giger preacherman monster. Lousy alien intervention ending, with the hokey Christian symbolism smeared all over it like shit on a wafer.

Three scenes of awesome and horrible tragedy, loaded with calamitous special effects and literally thousands of deaths, each rather horrible in its own way. But scattered throughout interminable chatty candy-ass nonsense that ends, again (can't make this point enough), with some religious CLOSE ENCOUNTERS / SPHERE Rapture garbage? What the hell kind of Disney-fried chickenshit is that?

Sure, there are some pretty strong "Disaster Sequences (and) Disturbing Images" for a PG-13 flick, but the majority of this falls under the heading of substandard storytelling. (Way to exploit 9/11 though, dicks.) Because what's more horrific than CGI victimization but needless talkiness, made ultimately more needless by the contrived special interest ending.

Plus it's one of those films structured around some fuckin' little brat you'd rather see fed to the rats in New Delhi than watch bouncing around onscreen, so you can expect some big time disappointment here. Like Eddie Furlong in TERMINATOR 2; who the fuck tells the Terminator NOT to kill people?! Shit!

It's been as long since Proyas has made a good movie as it has since Cage has starred in one; let's just say this is no winning combination of THE CROW and WILD AT HEART. And nowhere near as funny as VAMPIRE'S KISS.

Special features include an audio commentary by director Proyas, and "Knowing All: The Making of a Futuristic Thriller," which at 12 minutes long was 12 minutes longer than I had to spare. There's also "Visions of the Apocalypse" in which a number of 'experts' give their opinion on apocalyptic thought – skipped that one too.

One point for the disasters. I'd give it another for the end of the world, but that's just too much. – Tom Crites

2011: The Year in Viewing

2012-01-14T15:32:00.002-05:00

Here's the "complete" list. I may have missed one or two titles due to flaky record keeping in the middle of the year but this is certainly the high (and, in some cases, low) points. The total was certainly helped along by attending Actionfest, exFest, ApeFest and the Fifth Annual Exhumed Marathon.

NEW WATCHES

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13 Assassins

5 Fingers of Death

A Lonely Place to Die

The Absent

Altitude

Amy's in the Attic

Angel of Destruction

Angry Ranger

Bail Enforcers

Bangkok Knockout

Batman & Superman: Apocalypse

Batman: year One

Beast of Bray Road

The Black Cat

Black Cobra

Black Dynamite

Born to Raise Hell

Bridesmaids

Cabin Fever 2

Captain America: The First Avenger

Chromeskull: Laid to Rest 2

Contamination.7

Cutthroats Nine

The Dead

Death Hunter: Werewolves vs Vampires

Devil Story

Do You Like Hitchcock?

Dr Black, Mr Hyde

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

The Expendables

The Face with Two Left Feet

Fast Five

Four Boxes

Frankenstein Syndrome

Frightmare

Giallo

Grotesque

The Hangover Part II

Hatchet II

Hobo with a Shotgun

Hot Tub Time Machine

I Saw the Devil

I Think We're Alone Now

The Incredible Melting Man

Intruder

Iron Man 2

Kick-Ass

Killer Elephants

Killer Movie

Killer Yacht Party

The Killing Machine

Kung Fu Panda 2

The Last Resort

Legend of the Wolfwoman

Little Big Soldier

Live Like a Cop, Die Like a Man

Machete

Machete Maidens Unleashed

Memphis Heat

Mortuary

Murder Set Pieces

Never Back Down 2: The Beat Down

Never Sleep Again

Night of the Demons

Night Warning

Nightmares

No Way Out

Piranha

Rango

Redneck Miller

The Reef

Resident Evil: Afterlife

Resonnances

Rock Prophecies

Savage!

Shark Alarm

Shredder

Skeleton Man

Sledgehammer

Source Code

Stagefright

Sticks of Death

Super

Superman/Shazam: Return of Black Adam

There's Nothing Out There

This is It

Thor

Time Walker

Tinoterra: Killer Shark

TNT Jackson

Toolbox Murders

Tourist Trap

The Town

True Grit

Tucker & Dale Vs Evil

Undisputed II: Last Man Standing

Undisputed III

Universal Soldier: Regeneration

Up from the Depths

Velvet Goldmine

The Velvet Vampire

The Vicious Kind

Who Saw Her Die?

Winnie the Pooh

X-Men: First Class

REWATCHES

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Airport 77

Asylum Erotica

Batman: Under the Red Hood

Battle for the Planet of the Apes

Beneath the Planet of the Apes

Blood Diner

Bloody Birthday

The Burning

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

The Church

Daredevil

Demons

Escape from the Planet of the Apes

The Exterminator

Fear No Evil

Frankenhooker

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Inferno

Jaws

Lady Frankenstein

Maximum Overdrive

New York Ripper

The Other Version of Cinderella

The Phantom

Phenomena

Pieces

Planet of the Apes

Psychomania

Race with the Devil

Rodan

Tenebrae

Time of the Apes

Trick or Treat

Better Late Than Never: Film Faves of 2011

2012-01-14T15:25:00.001-05:00

After compiling and reviewing my 2011 viewing list I was able to whittle the list down to 10 favorites as well as a handful or two of honorable mentions that -- in any other year -- would have made the list. As in years past I don't limit my list of faves to things that were only released during the year. I don't get out to the movies much (other than to see kid flicks like WINNIE THE POOH or KUNG-FU PANDA 2) so the criteria for eligibility is strictly anything that I saw for the first time. In other words, while I may have watched DEMONS, THE EXTERMINATOR and PIECES during the year, they're not eligible due to the fact that I've seen them about 37 times each. That said, this year's list is rather heavy on releases from 2010 and 2011.

Please note one glaring exception. RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES would surely be on the list... had I watched it in 2011. I didn't get a chance to see it until a week or so ago, which makes it the flick to beat for the 2012 list.

A LONELY PLACE TO DIE (2011)

Mountain climbers in Scotland discover a kidnap victim hidden in a remote hillside. A cat and mouse game ensues as they try to protect the girl. Filled with spectacular and breathtaking scenery as well as first-rate tension. Definitely the best film I saw last year and one that's meant to be seen in a theater.

CHROMESKULL: LAID TO REST 2 (2011)

The first LAID TO REST flick surprised the hell out of me with its wet and grisly effects and a grim, sadistic killer who required no backstory. The inventive sequel picks up where the first film left off and quickly twists and turns my expectations inside out. Brian Austin Green continues his trash renaissance as a conflicted middle manager/serial killer-wannabe. And yes, this one's filled with gnarly effects, too.

FAST FIVE (2011)

I can only think of one other instance where such an advanced sequel emerged as my favorite of the series (FRIDAY THE 13TH PART IV: THE FINAL CHAPTER). Ditching the CGI car porn of the fourth installment, FAST FIVE injects Dom and Co. into a South American heist flick with The Rock along for the ride. Easily my favorite popcorn franchise of the moment.

I SAW THE DEVIL (2010)

You know a flick is riveting when you're on the edge of your seat despite having spent nine hours in the car. Oh, and did I mention it's in Korean and 141 minutes long?! As good pal and Actionfest traveling companion Bruce Holcheck put it, it's the most "bludgeontastic" flick you'll ever see. A secret service agent seeks revenge -- over and over and over -- on the serial killer that murdered his wife. See it before the inevitable American remake screws it up.

MEMPHIS HEAT (2011)

The best documentaries leave you wanting more and when this look at the history of Memphis wrasslin' ended I yelled "Nooooooooooo!" at my tv. (Luckily, the DVD release is packed with about four hours of extras.) A funny and informative look at one of the last great bastions of indie wrestling from its black and white roots to its time in the national spotlight before the emergence of the WWF (now WWE) as a major, national wrestling league.

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN: THE ELM STREET LEGACY (2010)

I think my interest in the ELM STREET series peaked with Chuck Russell's inventive and fun DREAM WARRIORS (#3 for those of you scoring at home). But that didn't lessen my fascination with this riveting four hour (yes, four hour!) documentary that takes an exhaustive look at the entire – and I do mean entire – ELM STREET franchise.

TUCKER & DALE VS EVIL (2010)

I'd been hearing about this horror comedy since it screened at a DC horror film festival back in 2010 and I anxiously waited for it to hit video. And waited. And waited. As it turns out, the last film I'd watch in 2011 would also be one of my faves (obviously, since it's on my "best" list). A series of unfortunate accidents and misunderstandings leaves a pair of lovable hillbillies fighting off a gang of college kids who have mistaken them for backwoods psychopaths. I'm usually not a big "horror comedy" fan but this take on genre tropes hits all the right notes.

NEVER BACK DOWN 2: THE BEATDOWN (2011)

While A LONELY PLACE TO DIE was the "best" movie I saw at last year's installment of Actionfest, my "favorite" movie was the directorial debut of Black Dynamite himself, Michael Jai White. It's your standard "hassled con/former ultimate fighting champ (MJW) trains a bunch of misfits to compete in an underground MMA contest" but the fight sequences -- choreographed by Larnell Stovall (UNDISPUTED III) -- rise above the standard drama and black belt Scottie Epstein excels as a comic/record nerd bullied into becoming a savage fighter.

BLACK DYNAMITE (2009)

Speaking of Black Dynamite, I finally got a chance to see this buzzed about blaxploitation spoof on the big screen (with MJW sitting a couple rows behind us). White flexes his comic chops in this almost flawless parody of the black action genre spearheaded by the likes of Jim Brown, Fred Williamson, Isaac Hayes, etc. In a league with genre parodies like YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN, OSS 117: CAIRO, A NEST OF SPIES and the first Austin Powers flick.

NIGHT WARNING (1983)

Holy crap! Every year the fine folks at Exhumed Films end up screening a film that literally blows my mind, a la WICKED WICKED, TEENAGE MOTHER, or RAW FORCE. This year it was the mind boggling NIGHT WARNING, in which Susan Tyrrell delivers one of the most fearless performances ever captured on film. As "Aunt Cheryl" she smothers her orphaned nephew Billy (Jimmy McNichol), gets him tangled up in a messy murder investigation, keeps him away from the slutty girl who played Stephanie on 'Newhart', and slowly goes insane on screen. In fact, her performance is so riveting that she may have *actually* gone crazy.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Grotesque (1988), Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009), X-Men: First Class (2011), Bail Enforcers (2011), Super (2011), Undisputed II: Last Man Standing (2006), Undisputed III: Redemption (2010), Angel of Destruction (1994), No Way Out (1973), Stagefright (1987), BKO: Bangkok Knockout (2010), The Face with Two Left Feet (1979), 13 Assassins (2010), Piranha (2010), Tourist Trap (1979), Amy's in the Attic (2010).

12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: The Final Chapter

2011-12-23T09:14:00.002-05:00

We've arrived at the end of our 12 REVIEWS OF XMAS blog series which means that it's Christmas Eve and I've officially had my fill of holiday tunes. From Italian Christmas donkeys and mice that live in Santa's house to country stars asking Mary if she knew her baby was going to grow up and heal blind folks, Christmas tunes are a pretty mixed bag. (My current favorite is the one where Mariah Carey "reminisces" about eating two gallons of ice cream. Good times, good times.) But it never fails that at least once during the Christmas season the topic of holiday ditties will come up in conversation and no matter who I'm talking to – pagan or Catholic, heathen or vegan, Jew or Muslim – everybody can agree that Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time" is the most cloying, annoying, worthless dose of holiday clap-trap ever recorded. But, as reviewer Matthew Saliba will tell us below, there's a good change that the person who recorded that song isn't Paul McCartney at all, but a double who was inserted into the Beatles' lineup after the real McCartney was killed in a 1966 car crash. Or maybe not.

Ah, to be a conspiracy theorist. What a life that must be. To live in a world where 9/11 was a deliberate and malicious act perpetrated by the same U.S. Government who botched the wars in Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq but somehow pulled a "Hail Mary" and made the Twin Tower demolition look like a terrorist attack. To live in a world where Elvis, Tupac and Michael Jackson are alive and well and hibernating deep within the confines of Hollow Earth planning the unveiling of the New World Order with our reptilian shapeshifting overlords. To live in a world where in November of 1966, Paul McCartney was killed in a car crash and replaced with a double at the request of British intelligence, MI5 as a preventive measure against an epidemic of mass suicides on the part of McCartney's female fanbase should they ever discover the fate of their beloved Beatle.

What, wait?

In case you're in the dark on the whole "Paul is Dead" hoax, then you're in luck as the good folks over at Highway 61 Entertainment have released a very entertaining "documentary" by Joel Gilbert that manages to cross THE DAVINCI CODE with the Beatles entitled PAUL McCARTNEY REALLY IS DEAD: THE LAST TESTAMENT OF GEORGE HARRISON. The subtitle refers to the concept by which the piece is based upon.

According to director Gilbert, Highway 61 Entertainment received a package in the summer of 2005 from London, England. The package had no return address. Inside were a couple of mini-cassette tapes dated December 30th, 1999 and labeled, "The Last Testament of George Harrison." After being attacked in his home, Harrison began to fear for his life and decided now was as good a time as any to finally get a major load off his chest and reveal to the world the truth about Paul McCartney. Hence the tapes. Harrison regales us with the "shocking" story about McCartney's death and the massive coverup that ensued to ensure the longevity of the Beatles' success.

As previously mentioned, McCartney was killed in a car crash in November of 1966. The remaining Beatles were approached by a man known only as "Maxwell" from British intelligence, MI5 who forced the Beatles to cover up McCartney's death as a preventive measure against the mass suicides of female Beatles fans. So a Paul McCartney lookalike contest was held and won by William Campbell from Ontario. He was shipped off to London where after a series of plastic surgeries and vocal training sessions, emerged as Paul McCartney II, or as his Beatles brethren referred to him as, Faul. The emergence of Faul is used to explain why the Beatles stopped touring around the release of their 1965 album RUBBER SOUL. They didn't want to risk the possible realization on the part of fans with a keen eye that Faul was indeed a false Beatle. That said, the overwhelming guilt of this deliberate lie led the Beatles to signal their fans with clues on album covers (the infamous SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEART CLUB BAND cover, the fact that the "real Beatles" are always looking in one direction and Faul is looking in the other, etc.) and in song lyrics ("the Walrus was Paul" referring to the fact that when McCarney's mangled body was discovered at the car crash, a police officer remarked how McCarney looked like a walrus, "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" referring to the violent threats made against their well-being by MI5 should they ever reveal to the public that McCartney had bit the dust, etc.). The Beatles eventually break up but the story doesn't end there. John Lennon becomes increasingly reckless with the secret to the point where in 1980 he is assassinated by a hired gunmen for MI5 sending a loud and clear message to the others that if they follow in his footsteps, they'll face a similar fate.

Now, your enjoyment of a film like this will entirely depend on your tolerance for conspiracy theories. I personally find them fascinating though ultimately based on heresy with a logic fueled by convenience. If you're determined to find something, your mind automatically filters anything else out in its effort to discover the truth that you're searching for, regardless of its validity. In other words, if you want to believe that Paul McCartney really died and that the Beatles signaled their fans to this fact through subliminal messages in their albums, you're more than likely to discover what you're looking for. However, when you take reality into consideration, the cold hard facts plainly dictate that this is a certifiable hoax and one done in poor taste, if I might add.

First and foremost, a lot of the "facts" presented in this piece just don't add up. For example, they mention how the only people present at McCartney's funeral were the remaining Beatles and McCartney's parents. However, his mother died long before this allegedly took place. They also mention how the album cover of RUBBER SOUL was designed to create the impression that the Beatles were looking down into a grave. McCartney's grave. However, the album was released in 1965, one year before the fatal accident. And for all the talk about how the Beatles were the only ones in on this, where was George Martin all the time? He was their manager. Surely he would know that "Faul" was an impostor. There's no mention made of him at all in this piece. And last and surely not least, there's the matter of "George Harrison" himself. For someone who's unburdening himself of a deep, dark, terrible secret, he sure sounds very calm and articulate. He never once stumbles or stutters; almost as if he's reading from a script.

Then there's the issue of sound quality. Now granted, I suppose there could've been some clean-up done to the audio, but if he was recording his voice onto a mini-cassette tape recorder, then surely the sound quality would be mediocre at best. I've done so many times myself and one of the reasons why I stopped was because of the poor sound quality.

At the end of the day, this is a despicable piece of work meant to play on the wishful thinking of conspiracy theorists who want to believe that the world is more complicated than it really is. I also find it to be very disrespectful to the memory of George Harrison himself as this was clearly made to cash in on the anniversary of his death. Quite frankly, I'm surprised this even got released at all. I'd be very curious to see how long it takes before the estate of George Harrison sends the offices of Highway 61 Entertainment a package of their own, only with a pair of lawsuits instead of tapes.

PAUL McCARTNEY REALLY IS DEAD: THE LAST TESTAMENT OF GEORGE HARRISON is available at Amazon. If you liked this review you can read hundreds more like it at the Exploitation Retrospect website.

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12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: It's Like a Fun Reverse FROM DUSK TILL DAWN

2011-12-23T08:59:00.001-05:00

Welcome to Day 11 of the ER 12 REVIEWS OF XMAS blog series. Here at ER HQ we loves us some horror and some action but the two rarely come together in very satisfying fashion. Okay, so the success rate is probably better than the dread "horror comedy" but you know what I mean. So it was a rare treat when in the middle of this summer's, um, Summer of Action! series that I found myself not only watching but quite honestly digging a low-budget, silly-but-fun mess of an action-horror flick that made me wish it was a series of movies. Or books. Or comics. It was like coming down on Christmas morning and finding some cheapie Chinese knock-off toy filled with lead paint and toxic plastic that inexplicably turns out to be your favorite present of the day. You know it's not good for you but, damn it's fun till it breaks. Or you land in the emergency room with some kind of hideous flesh-eating syndrome they'll need House, MD to diagnose.

I spent a good part of this past spring and summer acquiring, reading and talking/reading/writing about men's adventure novels. Inspired by a trip to a used book sale and a jaunt to the awesome ActionFest in North Carolina, I found myself ditching my usual non-fiction books and graphic novels in favor of well-thumbed paperback installments from THEY CALL ME THE MERCENARY, THE CHAMELEON, SWAG, KILLMASTER, THE EXECUTIONER and, naturally, THE DESTROYER.

I'm sure one is lurking out there – and, if so, Action Guru John Grace will point me towards it – but I never stumbled upon any action-themed men's paperbacks that make forays into horror. (The awesome DEAD MAN series is excluded because it's of a more recent vintage – I'm talking 70s/80s action paperback heyday here.) Plenty of Soviets and cut-rate Bond villains get their comeuppance at the hands, pistols and rifles of our heroes, but no vampires or werewolves.

Luckily, a copy of MTI's junky fun DEATH HUNTER: WEREWOLVES VS. VAMPIRES landed on my "To Watch" pile and satisfied both my action jones and the trashy horror monkey on my back in one fell 90-minute swoop.

Is it wrong that I'd love to see/read a whole series of these?

After a pre-credit CGI-werewolf attack on some lovers, we meet a quibbling couple on an anniversary camping trip who decide to detour on a "shortcut" and find themselves low on gas with no help in sight. When they stumble upon an all-night bar in the middle of nowhere they think they'll find help. But, having seen roughly 334 variations on this tale, we know different.

Like a reverse FROM DUSK TILL DAWN the couple find themselves battling an attack from a bar-full of the undead with the wife eventually whisked away by the head bloodsucker while the husband - a sort of bland, blank everyman in the Greg Kinnear/David Hyde Pierce/William H Macy mold - escapes. Only to be attacked by a werewolf!

Saved by a mysterious stranger with an antidote, John Croix (pronounced "Cross", 'natch) battles the infection and eventually discovers that he possesses the powers of a werewolf and the ability to battle what we all know as the enemies of werewolves – vampires. An awesome training montage ensues before our hero sets off to reclaim his annoying wife from the clutches of the vampire cabal.

Don't get me wrong. DEATH HUNTER: WEREWOLVES VS. VAMPIRES appears to have a budget on par with a dinner theater production of HAIR, ~~some~~ most of the effects are ridiculous, the conclusion can kindly be described as "anti-climactic" and your mileage ~~may~~ will vary from mine. But I found this to be an entertaining check-your-brain-at-the-door action/horror "epic" and a flick that bucks the anti-MTI trend I see on most sites, including mine!

DEATH HUNTER: WEREWOLVES VS VAMPIRES is available at Amazon. If you like this review you can read hundreds more like it at the Exploitation Retrospect website.

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12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: He's Not Jesus! He's Just a F#@king Gypsy!

2011-12-22T09:14:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Day 10 of our 12 REVIEWS OF XMAS holiday blog series. I'm not sure what the other reviews – courtesy of some of our favorite contributors – had to do with the holidays, but today's entry is steeped in holiday traditions. How? Well, it's a turkey and there's a big, fat guy we're supposed to believe can do remarkable things. Sounds like Christmas to me! For me, Steven Seagal's career truly is the gift that keeps on giving. He's like the uncle who comes for the holidays and brings you a kinda crappy present, but you remember the great presents he brought you back in the 80s and 90s so you hold your breath in anticipation – only to be disappointed by the half-assed bag of junk he dumps under the tree. But you can't wait till he shows up again next year!

There's a nugget of a good action flick lurking at the core of BORN TO RAISE HELL, the latest in a seemingly never-ending line of generic Steven Seagal actioners filmed in Eastern Europe. Unfortunately, saddled with leaden, cliché-riddled plotting from the star's own screenplay we're once again left wondering what might have been were his ego not just as bloated as the rest of him.

Seagal stars as Robert "Bobby" Samuels, an American who heads up an international drug task force located in Eastern Europe. When Costel (Darren Shahlavi) and his crew pull off a home invasion - complete with rape and murder - in order to fund their gun and drug operation it draws the attention of Samuels and his crew.

Will Samuels' task force nab Costel and his cronies? Is Costel planning to double-cross Dmitiri (Dan Badarau), the local drug kingpin, loving family man and former Spetsnaz member? Will the cop who announced that he's going to be a dad in a month make it to the end of the film?

I suppose we're supposed to care about all of these questions but Seagal's muddled script, coupled with directionless, er, direction from stuntman/stunt coordinator Lauro Chartrand, results in a lazy, but never unwatchable, mess. What should be the flick's core – renegade drug agent/American soldier teams up with family man/drug czar/Spetsnaz dude to take down an even worse Gypsy necrophiliac killer – never gels until the 75 minute mark of the film and even then it's dismissed within what seems like a matter of minutes. My only guess is that Seagal knew his acting chops were no match for Badaru – who comes off like the Romanian Brando – and wanted to limit the pair's mutual screentime.

On top of a forgettable screenplay and distracting direction (complete with lots of icy blue and sepia tints, freeze frames and slow-mo), HELL has all the usual problems that sink most of Seagal's recent work: the film opens with a voiceover that's supposed to be Seagal but is clearly somebody doing a Seagal impression; Costel is shown to be a kick-ass fighter during a confrontation with Dmitri's men but resorts to playground-style bitch slapping when Seagal lumbers in for their final confrontation; Seagal's fight scenes are cut too fast and then sped up leading to inevitable Keystone Cops and Benny Hill jokes; Seagal's "love interest" appears to be young enough to be his granddaughter, making their "sex scene" both oogie and laughable as the clothed and corpulent star wheezes sex talk at the trim and topless Romanian beauty; the flick's "action" relies too heavily on boring gun play; and, so on.

If you're a Seagal completist like me you won't be able to resist checking this one out on Netflix or rescuing it from the dollar bin at your local Walgreen's. For more casual fans I'd recommend URBAN JUSTICE or DRIVEN TO KILL as better examples of his recent work or just sticking with his Golden Era (1988-1997) and pretending these flicks never happened.

BORN TO RAISE HELL is available at Amazon. If you liked this review you can read hundreds more like it at the Exploitation Retrospect website.

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12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: Are You Crazy? This is More than a Steak.

2011-12-21T17:29:00.000-05:00

~~Believe it or not it's Day 9 of the 12 REVIEWS OF XMAS here at the ER blog~~. Curses! Foiled by Christmas cards, TOP CHEF and FLYERS/RANGERS 24/7! I had this review all ready to go last night and by the time I extracted my tongue from the envelopes and my eyes from the tube it was past midnight. Ah well, eight straight days is actually a pretty good run for me and it won't deter me from trying to get on another streak. Today's guest contributor – David Zuzelo of TOMB IT MAY CONCERN – is not only a good friend in the trash trenches but he's like my own personal Santa. The big guy in the red suit has nothing on David Z when it comes to boundless generosity. My bookshelves, closets and DVD tubs are swelling thanks to the frequent shipments of trashy movies, Batman comics and men's adventure novels that mysteriously turn up on my doorstep. And nobody wields a pen or pounds a keyboard with the cinematic enthusiasm of "Damn You, Davey Z"!

Have you ever wanted to see Marisa Mell angrily bang against a pinball machine? Have you ever wished that Marisa Mell would walk down YOUR stairs dressed in a short robe that somehow crosses sexy breasts and Hong Kong Phooey? Then DEATH WILL HAVE YOUR EYES will keep your eyes open and your toes tappin’ to the groovy score by Stelvio Cipriani if you are a master of Eurotrash minutia. But if you think this is a Giallo film that may feature fast paced mystery and suspenseful murders, or even suspense, you will be quite disappointed.

I’m part of the first category and found lots of interest...

Marisa Mell looks like she is in some form of trouble as the film starts, and then-using a time distorted storytelling mode that will either make you very confused or keep you watching very closely-we find out that she started small in this big city that has become her tomb. Young Luisa shows up full of big dreams, but ends up selling her backside to make ends meet after she comes across Yvonne (Helga Line). Sure, she is waiting for Mr. Rich Dick to show up-and when he does she is right on it. Hard.

But the man of her wallet's dreams is a real jerk off (thank you Farley Granger, you are always so good at this) and recites bad poetry. The US title is one of his goofy lines, no eyes are harmed in the film.

Dammit.

So, time is still jumping and something happens and someone gets found out and everyone is going to be dead or dying soon enough! You can imagine what happens when a certain poet/doctor/dingleberry has his car off the road, but a certain down on her lucker doesn’t get away clean as ANOTHER down on HIS lucker sees a chance to hustle her out of her money. And her pants!

Hey, it is Marisa Mell after all... and she plays along in even more narrative non-sequitor fashion.

It doesn’t end well. But would we want it to end well? Nah!

The cover art is way off here, but the trailer (which is in English on the disc, while the film is not) does the same thing. This is definitely a sleazy drama that is equal parts getting the ladies undressed and some conniving behavior amongst the rich. There is no mystery, unless confusion and taking time to follow along is what counts as one. As a film it is a bit of a failure, but I enjoyed it by and large. This is one of those productions that is much more a vibe than a voyage.

There are party scenes with weird music, groovy hair, bad poetry and tits. There are a few instances of surprisingly violent turns by Marisa Mell. Two girls argue that a big steak isn’t enough to loan out their bodies. If I knew then that I could get a night with Marisa Mell for a steak I’d of been working harder than the dude in Bell From Hell to make steak. Of course, I was 6 years old when this came out and I doubt I’d have had more use from a Eurostarlet than I would a Mego doll.

If you can’t resist the obscure, love the sounds of TRASH CINEMA and the sights of NUDE SEX SIRENS in SLEAZY SITUATIONS, this may be for you. But if you are hoping to fill that missing piece in your Giallo collection you can move along easily.Claudio Fragasso is listed on IMDB as an assistant director on this, and I can see how he would have made this material MUCH more entertaining years later!

The DVD from MYA COMMUNICATIONS is about what I expected. The print is fairly bad with tons of scratches and damage. The sound distorts at the bass level a lot (which is killer on that awesome score). It looks like a bootleg, and not one from the modern fandub/sub era. There is a copyright for METHEUS FILM on the back of the packaging, so that counts for something. I can’t imagine they are selling tons of these, but when you can count on crummy quality many times it does run off a certain percentage of your market. I would be interested to see if Mya really has a relationship with Metheus because there are some EXCELLENT films in their catalog, including the awesome Mario Siciliano films ROLF, SKIN ‘EM ALIVE and SEVEN RED BERETS. All of those would be fine releases...

Overall, the market for this DVD knows exactly who it is – just keep expectations in check and you won’t be let down. It ain’t a giallo, it ain’t really good – but it is groovy and that counts for something.

Set your price tag at what you value European Trash Funk Cinema before purchasing.

DEATH WILL HAVE YOUR EYES is available at Amazon.

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12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: Giving Thanks I Don't Have to Watch Much Franco

2011-12-20T22:45:00.000-05:00

At school a few weeks ago my daughter and some schoolmates were asked to name the things for which they were thankful. In true 4-year-old fashion she responded "holidays" and "kisses and hugs before bedtime". Whew. At least she knew better than to say "STAR WARS action figures" like some of the other kids in her afterschool program. Me? I'm thankful to have tireless reviewers like Crites – another longtime ER/Hungover Gourmet contributor who watches and eats things so I don't have to. And even at his crankiest (see below) the man delivers on the content. It may be late (sorry, I got distracted by Flyers/Rangers 24/7) but I bring you another piping hot installment of 12 REVIEWS OF XMAS.

Whistling horribly, a female publishing agent, Carla, drives out to the villa of the Balasz family in an attempt to acquire the rights to a piece of their family history.

After a vision of the titular Snakewoman, seen dancing lethargically dressed in her double-headed serpentine tattoo (which, it must be said, looks more goofy than seductive), Carla lets herself into the mansion and confronts a pair of Euro-hippies. Telling them she's looking for Andros Balasz, father of Oriana Balasz, when Andros is not immediately available Carla helps herself to a bath. During which Andros magically appears, catching her in the nude, and invites her down to breakfast.

As Carla dresses, the Snakewoman jumps through her open window to pose and hiss ridiculously before vanishing. And it's here, over a quarter of an hour into the film, that you know for certain that your time is being wasted. That this 'erotic fable' is in fact a poorly conceived sex joke with no real point to it but to show off some shabby softcore lesbian love story. That, and to cash in on the name of a "cult" director whose 'genius' dried up long ago and whose status is debatable at best.

Anyway, at breakfast Carla is joined by a shady priest/doctor who tells her that Andros is the rightful heir to the estate of Oriana Balasz, who died in 1945. He also mentions that many others have tried to purchase the estate, but all have failed. What he neglects to mention is that he's keeping an hysterical woman who claims to suffer sexual visions and visitations from her 'mistress' locked up on drugs.

Returning to her room Carla finds the naked Snakewoman lying in her bed. When asked the tattooed girl says that she is the 87-year-old Oriana, and that Andros is her father-in-law. She then asks, "Do you like my ass?", the furry cleft of which Carla could not help but admire. Passing up this invitation Carla tells the Snakewoman that she would "Like to acquire all the rights to Oriana Balasz's catalog. The songs, the films, everything." Snakewoman doesn't seem interested in business however, offering instead the notion that, "The ass is the universal sex organ." There's some more back and forth, but instead of getting it on Carla goes off to get some sleep alone.

Dr. Priest and his young ward, Alpha, have another fruitless interaction in which the girl again raves about her magical lady. Drugged and confined, Alpha is visited by Snakewoman for a lengthy lesbian encounter.

Meanwhile Carla has a dream flashback to her initial assignment to secure Oriana's archives. This includes watching an old black & white Third Reich-era cabaret performance of hers, with no shortage of risqué beaver shots. As Carla dreams naked in her bed, Snakewoman again comes pouncing into her room and crawls into the sack with her where more simulated vampire lesbian action is had.

Breakfast the next morning is a queer affair, one which includes mother's milk in the coffee. Carla is informed by Andros and Oriana/Snakewoman that the Balasz legacy is not for sale at any price. However there was a final film made by Oriana, a masterpiece of perversion that has never been seen...

Carla winds up back in the city, confused and disorganized. She is told by her female psychiatrist that she has been missing for days, with the police looking for her, and has lost all of her belongings. The doctor ships Carla out to her lakeside estate for some much needed rest and relaxation, but while again dreaming naked Carla is visited once more by the Snakewoman for another bout of 'bloody' lovemaking.

Carla's writhing is interrupted the next morning by the doctor, who has Carla's publisher Tony on the phone. For some reason the Balasz estate has decided to release everything to them, including a love letter to Carla from Oriana. As the Snakewoman attacks Alpha's doctor, Carla and her doc head back to the publisher's office to watch Oriana's final film.

In the overly dark clip the starlet gets it on with another woman, then tears into a rubber phallus between a man's legs, reveling in the flow of 'blood' that her pointed teeth produce. As Carla stares at the video screen, hypnotized, she thinks she hears Oriana call her name. Suddenly the two are together again back at the villa, and the film is finally over.

Two words: utter shit. The most enormous waste of time I've been subjected to in recent memory. In every way. And my life is much the poorer for it; Franco has obviously been sucking from the same retarded turtle dick as Jean Rollin. I'd have said "Spoiler ahead" earlier, but with something this pretentious and lazy that's kind of a given.

The story is overly drawn-out and needlessly complex; the jumpy timeline that is utilized so often by directors attempting to fancify their substandard productions by making them seem deeper through timeframe manipulation is in full evidence here, and as usual it just doesn't help. Instead it just makes an interminable story seem that much longer.

Snakewoman doesn't appear to be so much an ageless sexual force as she does some stoned gypsy nympho. There are some mildly sexy scenes, true, but the softcore nature of the production makes them all look overly staged and fake. On top of that there's the poor lighting to contend with, glare alternating with shadow to provide an uneven visual experience which the jerky progression of the story does little to enhance. In Spanish with English subtitles.

SNAKEWOMAN comes with standard extras such as a stills gallery and preview trailers. But it also contains the bonus 1998 feature film DR. WONG'S VIRTUAL HELL. This flick is self-described by director Franco as "An all out farce," but as many of his films could be considered farcical this means one of two things: 1) It will be fucking hi-LAR-ious, or 2) To quote Killface, it will be "The absolute monarch of all bum-snackers." We're going to find out, but I think you can guess where I've got my money down.

A take-off on the Fu-Manchu films, VIRTUAL HELL begins on a difficult note with the narration being provided by some character with a lisp and a thick oriental accent. As there aren't any subtitles available the lead-in and much of the following plot description are literally foreign.

On top of this, portions of the film are approached in comic book style, with oddly colored still frames featuring shadowy figures and word balloons used to flesh out the story. Emphasized at times with what sound like Sesame Street voices.

You know, coming after the time-killing SNAKEWOMAN I really don't have a spare portion of my life to devote to another 97 minutes of poorly assembled experimental film, so I'm going to watch most of this rickshaw wreck on fast forward. And if I miss something at speed, well, chances are I would have missed it anyway. I'll tell you right now, clear and engaging this film is not.

So you've got some solarized scenery. More bad accents. Hey look, there's some tits. And a bunch of guys in 'Chinaman' glasses watching a burlesque act. Lesbian frottage and simulated rimming. Some spanking and whipping. Now a hefty middle-aged woman is showing her bush. There's a fake blowjob. The thought balloon for one of the stage show voyeurs says it best: "...zz zz zzz..."

Finally there's some sort of meeting or confrontation between Dr. Wong and private eye Nelly Smith, both with associates in tow. The result: the film is over. Thank fuck.

To summarize: bad coloration, bad accents, bad lighting, bad sex, bad plot, no point. Enough said.

Goddammit, I feel ten years older.

SNAKEWOMAN is available at Amazon.

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12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: Merry Christmas, I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight

2011-12-19T20:14:00.002-05:00

I spent most of today sitting in a computer classroom learning the ins and outs of Excel. Yes, I know, the life of a self-employed small business owner is glamorous and sexy! But at least I didn't let you down and miss the latest installment of our 12 REVIEWS OF XMAS blog series. Tonight it's new media kingpin and longtime ER/Hungover Gourmet contributor Louis Fowler to the rescue with a look at the Dee Dee Ramone documentary HEY IS DEE DEE HOME. So pause that episode of Damaged Viewing, throw on "Merry Christmas (I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight)" – UK single version, please – and read on...

At first glance, it's easy to say that the Dee Dee Ramonedocumentary HEY IS DEE DEE HOME is largely disappointing. It's basically DeeDee sitting in a chair for an hour talking mainly about his relationship withJohnny Thunders. This guy has been through the ringer more than enough times,so you'd think that a doc about him would cover so much more territory. You'dthink that, in light of the other recent Ramones docs like END OF THE CENTURY and RAMONES RAW, that this one would also try to go out of it's way to be onpar with those.

But it really doesn't need to. Sure, it's not as churchedup as those takes on the Ramones mythos, but this film does it's subject well,with an idea that's as stark and as tore down as Dee Dee himself. Cobbled fromfootage director Lech Kowalski was using for a Johnny Thunders documentary, DeeDee sits on a stool and tells anecdote after anecdote, mostly all relating toheroin, Johnny Thunders, or heroin and Johnny Thunders. Johnny Thunders waswidely known as the pretty boy of the late '70s New York punk scene and had hisbiggest "hit" with "Chinese Rock", which was written by DeeDee about his own smack habit. He considers the song an "albatross"of sorts, but even that is laid to rest as he rattles off tales of lettingpeople overdose in his bathtub because they pissed him off to comparing hislove of tattoos to shooting dope. Yep, no horse rock is left uncooked here.

The ultimately heartbreaking thing here though is whenDee Dee looks at the camera and says "Sobriety is the best revenge!"He died of an overdose in 2002, another Ramones casualty.

Ramones fans (and Johnny Thunders completeists) will beintrigued enough to give this a look, and it's a satisfying enough fix, but,when it's over, you're still gonna want more. Isn't that how it always is withaddicts?

HEY IS DEE DEE HOME is available at Amazon.

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12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: Natty Poe

2011-12-18T15:39:00.002-05:00

Welcome to the sixth installment of our 12 REVIEWS OF XMAS blog feature. Today, Big Lug Land head honcho Jay Kulpa takes center stage with a look at a recent DVD release featuring adaptations of two Edgar Allan Poe tales. As a Baltimore-area resident and Poe fan I'd originally fancied reviewing this set myself (especially since the adaptation of THE TELL-TALE HEART was co-written by Brian Clemens of The Avengers and CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER fame). Alas, time slipped away and Jay got the "choice assignment" of reviewing the release. Doesn't sound like I missed anything – or did him any favors!

This double-feature from Independent Entertainment of THE TELL-TALE HEART (1960) and THE OVAL PORTRAIT (1972, aka ONE MINUTE BEFORE DEATH) is a no-frills DVD with two truly awful prints, constantly damaged with holes and scratches, and some liner notes by Tim Lucas that actually elevate this package to "worth considering." One of these movies is worth a watch, the other you shouldn't press play on without being in an altered state. It should be easy to guess which is which...

First off, a racy-for-1960 British adaptation of the far-too-often-filmed chestnut, THE TELL-TALE HEART, which turns the story about guilt into a turgid little love triangle with the coke-snorting Edgar in love with Betty, who prefers his buddy Carl. These are some of the most blandly-named characters in history. (No offense to you, dear reader, if your name is one of those... or you're in a love triangle with two of those. If you are, I definitely hope for your sake that it's spicier than the one in this movie.)

What is spicy here is Edgar's collection of naughty prints that he comes home and looks at after striking out at the local pub. He's also a peeper, hanging out and watching Betty (Adrienne Corri) in the window across the way, brushing her hair in her underthings. Boy's got some issues. He's a bit of a perv, though, in his defense, she's got some ridiculously complicated foundation garments for a flower shop gal. They take a crack at dating but he's just too awkward. He also makes the mistake of introducing her to his cock-blocking buddy, Carl. He's much suaver than Edgar, so you really can't blame her... though Edgar's so obviously off-kilter you figure she'd be a little more wary of setting him off. Also, the fact that he all but shoves her into Carl's arms doesn't help, either, and Edgar's very presence becomes torturous. However, Carl does steal his buddy's girl, so for that he has to die.

Of course, this racy first half is followed by a bit of a turgid slog through the second as guilt overtakes Edgar and he hears "the beating of his hideous heart," which we even get to see at one point. All in all, it's all tame and tortured, but this isn't bad for a night in if you want to watch something explicitly old-fashioned. Just do it more for the simple pleasure than the hipster irony of that act.

Meanwhile...

THE OVAL PORTRAIT is a seriously overripe, pot-boiling pile of piffle and nonsense. It feels like an Andy MillIgan movie filled with bad period costumes and degraded, damaged film stock. Two ornately-dressed, dubbed actresses are dropped off at a country manse in the middle of a storm and then it's 20 minutes before anything happen that even remotely resembles making sense. This is followed by a portrait, oddly enough oval, that we get to see fade into a decayed body, and then be the subject of some of the worst rack zooms in the history of making films, so we know this painting must be important... and this movie must be crap.

Lisa, the middle-aged daughter and her elderly mother rattle around a Civil War-era mansion belonging to Lisa's brother. He's evidently died, but relationships and reasons make little sense in this flick. Lisa immediately runs into an odd man trying to work out relationship issues with a wig in a chair that's standing in for the ghost we saw earlier. He was obsessed with Rebecca, the former lady of the house. (Evidently, this must be Manderlay.) Lisa winds up posessed by the good lady ghost while characters who make no sense come and go.

Silly effects, a sillier story, performances that are not so much overcooked as parboiled and poached, and some truly annoying editing make THE OVAL PORTRAIT a downright pain in the ass to watch.

THE TELL-TALE HEART/THE OVAL PORTRAIT is available at Amazon.

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12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: A Double Dose of Lovecraft and Porno Vampires

2011-12-17T09:02:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what's harder to believe: that Christmas is just over a week away or that we've actually stuck with this 12 REVIEWS OF XMAS blog series for five straight days! When the demands of the ER website started to get too much, one of the first contributors I turned to was fellow Horror Dad Doug Waltz. A pal from the Eurotrash Paradise group over at Yahoo (10 years strong this month!), Doug is a zine publisher (Divine Exploitation), blogger, horror host, cook, dad and all-around good guy. I've lost count of how many low- and micro-budget flicks Doug has reviewed for the site... but here's a couple more.

Alternative Cinema has given us the two newest flicks by independent film maker Richard Griffin in one set. Both feature horror and gore with a sprinkling of comedy, but the remain very individual flicks. Let's run 'em down one at a time.

BEYOND THE DUNWICH HORROR
Staying as true as possible to the original HP Lovecreaft story while updating it into the new millennium, Beyond The Dunwich Horror does a great job despite the budgetary restrictions. Not an easy trick. It also revels in the fact that it's a micro-budget exploitation film with all that comes with that particular type of film.

Kenny comes to Dunwich to look for his brother who has been accused of murderous doings and it doesn't take long before the quaint veneer of this New England town is stripped bare and what they find is not something anyone would want.

It's always nice to see Lynn Lowry in a film and this is no exception.

Say what you will about film maker, Richard Griffin, but I think the man delivers.

PRETTY DEAD THINGS
Jennifer Bond is two things; an ex-porn star and a vampire. Turned in 1979, Jennifer is getting nostalgic and wants to go back to where she was turned to find an old flame. Along for the trip are three other vampires that love kicking ass and drinking blood. One of the quartet gets the hots for a pizza delivery boy, but forgets to kill him. Now he's pissed and – with the blessing of the local mayor – out for revenge on these bloodsuckers.

Every frame of the flick oozes the word "sexploitation". Hot bodies, sexy girls, blood dripping everywhere. It also embraces the comedy/horror genre and actually makes it work. With each film director Griffin continues to carve out his own little niche in the world of micro-cinema.

This two-disc set is loaded with plenty of extras like all Alternative Cinema titles. Probably two of the more interesting and innovative horror films I've seen in a very long time. Hell, BEYOND even made me jump a couple of times.

This is a great DVD set.

BEYOND THE DUNWICH HORROR/PRETTY DEAD THINGS is available at Amazon.

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12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: Get the Burn on with MEMPHIS HEAT

2011-12-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Day 4 of our 12 Reviews of Xmas blog feature. I'm proud to know and call many Renaissance men my friends. And when it comes to old school rock, kung fu, workout arcana or, in this case, the history of Southern wrasslin', there's only one man I've got on speed dial – you know him from his appearances alongside ER contributor Louis Fowler on DAMAGED VIEWING – please welcome the one and only John Grace to the program.

The most memorable aspect of MEMPHIS HEAT: THE TRUE STORY OF MEMPHIS WRASSLIN', the first documentary to give us a look at the wildest territory of the long-gone regional pro wrestling circuit, is not the well-known Andy Kaufman angle, the Jerry Lawler-Terry Funk empty arena match, legendary heel Sputnik Monroe at age 75 still wearing his glitter jacket for his interview or the snippets of the first concession stand brawl. It is the site of an elderly Jackie Fargo telling his side of the history of the Volunteer State's mat wars.

Lacking the Adonis looks of today's grapplers, Fargo resembled a barroom brawler that never hit a gym, choosing instead to exercise by throwing trash-talking hayseeds through saloon windows. With his Buddy Rogers-styled bleached long hair, infamous "Fargo Strut" and originating the "hardcore" brawling style of using tables and chairs in the ring, Fargo was the top star for decades. Seeing him now as an old man wearing oversized glasses, still slicking back his long hair and boasting about himself as the toughest SOB around is a sight that memorable documentaries are made for.

In the old territory system, the promotions reflected their founding promoters or original headliners. As the AWA was patterned after Verne Gagne, with Olympic-level amateur wrestlers turned pro, Mid-South patterned after Bill Watts, with ex-football players headlining the roster, WWE after Vince McMahon, where a bodybuilder physique got you far, Memphis continued the tradition of Jackie Fargo: average-sized guys with average physiques having crazy, violent gimmick matches. Scaffold matches, chain matches, cage matches, hair vs. hair, wives' hair on the line, barbed wire and fire throwing were standard promotional gimmicks for a Memphis card. Nick Gulas and Roy Welch started the grappling circus in Nashville, but it took Jerry Jarrett, the shrewdest and smartest US promoter in the sport's history, to create the Memphis promotion after too many small payouts from the notorious Gulas.

Director Chad Schaffler gives us a tight 90 minutes summarizing the territory's rise and fall, with interviews with Jerry Lawler, Jerry Jarrett, Bill Dundee, Jimmy Valiant, Billy Wicks, Jimmy Hart, the great announcer Lance Russell and others. Peppered with old footage – quality which varies from decent air check recordings to almost unwatchable fan kinescopes – the doc is a fine tribute to Memphis' squared circle heritage. Among the highlights: fearsome heel Sputnik Monroe tells us how he fought against segregating the audiences in the civil rights era; Jerry Jarrett details his split with Nick Gulas which led to him becoming the top promoter in the region; the rise of Jerry "the King" Lawler, an artistic prodigy and fan-turned-wrestler who became the biggest star of the territory; Jimmy Hart's transition from musician to the greatest wrestling manager in history (which you wouldn't know from his time in the WWF since he had to water down his act for national audiences); the popularity of Jimmy Valiant as both heel and babyface; Rocky Johnson brought in as a "boxer" to recreate the Inoki-Ali/grappler vs. brawler match with Lawler; and, the Andy Kaufman story, which gave Lawler national attention and likely inspired Vince McMahon to mix showbiz with wrasslin.'

Memphis was arguably the top wrestling city in the US for decades, with a tv show that garnered more than 80% of the ratings. And it's still exciting by today's standards, with more humor and action in one episode than a season's worth of WWE Smackdown or RAW. It's nice for once to see a pro wrestling documentary that is based on success instead of tragedy, family dysfunction or deceit, like the Von Erich documentaries, WRESTLING WITH SHADOWS and BEYOND THE MAT.

As a devoted fan of the territory I have my bones to pick as my favorite angles were overlooked and I have a different perspective on the history. While a national headline grabber, the Andy Kaufman feud was not a main event, nor a big draw at the Coliseum box office, very little of Jimmy Hart's hysterical, very non-PC interviews were used, no footage or stories of the only promotion invasion angle that worked: Angelo Poffo's ICW vs. Jarrett's promotion, sparked by Randy Savage and Lanny Poffo storming into the Channel 5 set on live tv (look for it on Youtube, the crowd goes nuts), nothing on Eddie Gilbert driving over Lawler in the parking lot (legend has it viewers called 911 to report an attempted homicide on the King), and aside from bonus clips in the dvd's special features, no Austin Idol. Most Memphis tv tapes were wiped, so footage was culled from fan sources, but I've found better quality footage purchased on auction sites for $2 a disc. Downgraded quality may have been a protective move, since ownership of the footage is in legal dispute.

But don't let my fannish nitpicking dissuade you from watching this superb documentary. The bonus features of vintage clips and interview outtakes are alone worth the purchase. It'll have the old school wrestling fan inside of you screaming at your television in a joyful frenzy and attempting a flying elbow while jumping off the couch.

MEMPHIS HEAT: THE TRUE STORY OF MEMPHIS WRASSLIN' is available at Amazon.

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12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: BMX BANDITS (1983)

2011-12-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Day 3 of our 12 Reviews of Xmas blog feature. Today's review of the 80s Aussie actioner BMX BANDITS serves multiple purposes. In addition to finally getting my lazy butt around to posting the review, it also lets me promote the upcoming print edition of ER. If you dig this review, be sure to stay tuned to this blog, our website, Twitter feed and/or Facebook page for the latest news about the zine's release date as review author Jonathan Plombon anchors the issue with a massive piece on the porn and wrestling connection while longtime zine pal Kami Mcinnes files a report from Down Under on 10 Overlooked Ozploitation Classics. See how I tied that all together?!

Watching BMX BANDITS today will totally shatter your perspective on life. Not that it's awful. It really isn't. It's that your first instinct is to laugh whenever you hear the futuristic flying sounds that occur whenever the kids launch their bikes into the air. At twelve years old, those sounds are cool. But as adults, those sounds elicit a groan for their campiness, especially in a culture that urinates on everything and only enjoys spaceship bike sounds for their "ironic" qualities.

Why do we do this? Is it that difficult just to enjoy a movie?

BMX BANDITS is fun. It's a two-wheel romp of bike stunts and clever one-liners. And, yes, anyone who reads ER will know that Nicole Kidman is in this movie. And unlike most movies with a prominent star plastered on its box that were part of the discount release VHS pile at your local Media Play, BMX BANDITS actually contains a lot of Kidman.

But even outside of its novelty for being a 1983 film for a future Academy-Award nominee, BMX BANDITS still manages to thrill on its own merit.

The plot is fairly simple. Three teenagers (played by Kidman, Angelo D'Angelo, and James Lugton, all of whom do a great job) find a box of walkie talkies, which they intend to sell to friends in order to purchase new BMX gear and bikes. However, the box of walkie talkies belongs to a group of on-the-run bank robbers who have designated their two most bumbling members (David Argue and John Ley) to investigate the lost property. The children foil the incompetent duo, along with the cops who've been eavesdropping on the kids' jaw jacking. The rest is a caffeine-fueled game of cat and mouse, as the kids outwit the adults in every way.

And that's what BMX BANDITS is. Although it's the stunt work that promotes the film, it's the children outsmarting the adults by themselves which makes it relatable (hell, their parents aren't even mentioned). As a child, you're a passive, second-class citizen. You can't vote. You can't argue. You can't choose where to live. You can't drive. All that you know is your bike and that your bike represents freedom from your painfully constricting universe of school and parents.

The child viewers know this. Because of which, BMX BANDITS succeeds by empowering those children watching the film. It gives them hope. It informs them that all they need to do is to make their own chance and that they too could make their life better.

That's all pretty much lost on kids today who crap on anything that isn't computer generated or explosion-filled. Today, it's the special effects that keep people captivated. It's a world that has become much smaller thanks to social media sites and cell phones. In contrast, just being in touch with other kids by using walkie talkies in BMX BANDITS must have been a thrill for its once-adolescent audiences.

However, while there's nothing wrong with the slim plot, the script will sometimes drift into pointless territory. A love story between Judy (Kidman) and Goose (Lugton) goes nowhere after they kiss in an open grave while hiding from the bank robbers. It's a decent dynamic, but only builds up to no pay off whatsoever.

SEVERIN went to great lengths to add some extra features to the disc (which hopefully will prevent you from purchasing one of the shabbier, cheaper releases). Along with the typical DVD bells and whistles like the theatrical trailer and audio commentary by the director, Brian Trenchard-Smith, there's also a 40-miute featurette called BMX BUDDIES with a plethora of interviews with the crew and the cast (not surprisingly, Kidman did not participate). There's also a clip from Kidman on an Australian show called YOUNG TALENT TIME. What a different time! They don't even make shows like that anymore.

Fans of THE GOONIES, RAD and THE DIRT BIKE KID have probably already seen BMX BANDITS, but uneducated fans of slightly inappropriate children's films (those robbers make no bones about it – they want to KILL the 16-year-old Kidman character) from the 1980s should also take heed.

Don't be so jaded. BMX BANDITS is repeat-viewing gold.

BMX BANDITS is available from Amazon.

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12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: David Shrigley's WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

2011-12-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

It's Day 2 of the 12 Reviews of Xmas here at Exploitation Retrospect and while we usually focus our critical eye on the cinematic world, occasionally some courageous publisher drops a book on our doorstep. These days, I'm all about written manly action (even though summer's long over) and behind-the-scenes scoops, so I sent today's artistically-oriented tome off to filmmaker/actor/review Matthew Saliba. Here's his take...

In my quest to receive free swag, I can sometimes be a little overzealous when I agree to take on a given project to review. However, even the oddest piece of cultural memorabilia prompts an inspired and evocative review that has me scratching my head in endless wonder over how the hell I managed to write so many words on something that left me speechless when I first saw it.

Such is the case with this book, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? THE ESSENTIAL DAVID SHRIGLEY. Only in this case, I really have no idea what to say about it. Glasgow surrealist David Shrigley is a man of many trades having created endless drawings, sculptures, photographs and animated films all of which can be viewed on his website. This book collects his very best (or worst, depending on your tolerance for modern art) drawings all of which are deeply rooted in the timeless art of deadpan absurdity. Some of these are actually quite funny, particularly God cutting the world in half because "it's too big," a woman shooting a row of eggs with a machine gun but refusing to say why because it's "classified information" to a woman milking a cow and telling it to shut up when it asks her what she's doing. Then there are others that seem to refine "deadpan" as being entirely without humor. Truth be told, what this collection of sketches really reminded me of was David Lynch's DUMBLAND. The drawing style is very similar and if these drawings were brought to life via animation, I have a feeling we'd essentially be watching an episode of Lynch's webseries.

Art is a very subjective thing and as difficult as it can be to review a film or a book and recommend it one way or another, it's almost impossible to dictate what is and isn't good Art, when we're talking about paintings or drawings. I'm of the opinion that the purpose of Art is to evoke a wide array of emotions in the spectator; perhaps even enlighten them. With that in mind, it's no surprise why I gravitate towards Film and Literature as these are the two prime practitioners of "Art as emotional roller-coaster." When it comes to something like David Shrigley's work, I'm admittedly at a loss on how to properly critique it. But if I'm going to use my emotional barometer as a means to judge this collection than I'm afraid that what comes up is mostly indifference. Granted some of his work is amusing but I found it mostly self-indulgent – aimed at those who get a kick out of the "illustrated laughing squares" in THE NEW YORKER.

Between the zero emotional connection I had with the material and the text's hefty price tag, I really can't recommend shelling out over $30 for something that will ultimately serve as a paperweight to protect your Scrabble scores from running off in the mouth of your incredibly curious cat Munchkin... like it currently does for yours truly.

What the Hell Are You Doing? is available from Amazon.

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12 REVIEWS OF XMAS: Maniac Cop (1988)

2011-12-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Day 1 of the 12 Reviews of Xmas here at Exploitation Retrospect. From now through December 24th we'll be bringing you a fresh review each morning from one of our contributors. Let's kick things off with a guest appearance from Brian Harris of Wildside Cinema and filmBRAWL fame with a look at the William Lustig/Larry Cohen classic MANIAC COP from 1988, now available on Blu-Ray thanks to Synapse.

When a handful of horrific murders hit NYC sending citizens into a panic, the culprit looks to be none other than one of the city's finest moonlighting as a brutal serial killer. Det. Frank McCrae (Tom Atkins) suspects that there's more to the story than meets the eye but his investigation is stalled when one of his fellow officers, Patrolman Jack Forrest (Bruce Campbell), is taken into custody and charged with the multiple homicides. Not content with the evidence against Forrest, McCrae teams up with Officer Theresa Mallory to weed out the identity of the true killer before more people die.

Written by legendary exploitation filmmaker Larry Cohen (BLACK CAESAR) and directed by wunderkind exploitation filmmaker William Lustig (MANIAC), the 1988 slasher film MANIAC COP has quite a bit going for it including the presence of genre icon Bruce Campbell (EVIL DEAD 1-3), veteran thespian Tom Atkins (HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH), Blaxploitation favorite Richard Roundtree (SHAFT), the beautiful Laurene Landon (HUNDRA), George 'Buck' Flower (ILSA: SHE WOLF OF THE SS) and RAGING BUL himself, Jake LaMotta!

Outside the stellar casting, the kills are delightfully brutal, bloody and effective (necessary for a good slasher film) and the grit of Lustig's direction and Cohen's writing really "shines" thru, giving the production an atmosphere of ugly reminiscent of the NYC exploitation of the grind house era.

Naturally it all boils down to the antagonist; a slasher film is only as good as its slasher and that's where MANIAC COP really stands head and shoulders above the competition, literally! The formidable size and acting ability of the maniac cop, Robert Z'Dar (CHERRY 2000) is truly impressive and equally as intimidating. Is it any wonder Z'Dar returned two more times to the role of the hulking man-monster Matt Cordell?

Concerning Synapse's Blu-ray Disc release itself, this is about as good as it gets despite the lack of audio commentary by any of the actors, director or writer. The special features include three interviews, a promo art gallery, deleted scenes, trailers and radio spots. Something international fans should take note of is this BR is all region which means it can be played globally as can the three interviews, as they're all presented here in HD.

The HD 1080p 1.85:1 presentation looks gorgeous, certainly light years better than any VHS/Laserdisc release, with just the right amount of grain and contrast to pop on my Samsung LCD flatscreen. It's not like MANIAC COP was an incredibly sharp and colorful film to begin with but the remastering definitely brings out depth and detail without looking overly tampered with. While Blu-ray consumers are going to expect an outstanding clean up and a step up in quality, long time fans won't want their film appearing "too clean." Synapse has certainly balanced that delicate chore nicely.

Images are crisp, the sound is more than adequate for a basic sound system and the extras are fun and informative. Landon's terrible acting and the lack of any feature-length audio commentary aside, MANIAC COP is an entertaining film on a must-have Blu-ray release. Grab it!

Buy MANIAC COP on Blu-Ray at Amazon.

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Kinski on Cover of New Spaghetti Western Guide!

2011-12-03T08:28:00.001-05:00

I haven't had a chance to pick this one up myself, but good pal, Exploitation Retrospect and Hungover Gourmet contributor, and author (check out Sixties Shockers, his new book with Mark Clark) Bryan Senn is already recommending it after just a few days.

The book in question is Any Gun Can Play: The Essential Guide to Euro-Westerns from Kevin Grant (and published by FAB Press) and our boy Klaus Kinski graces the cover – and rightly so – along with other Spags icons Clint Eastwood and Franco Nero.

Even though I'm not a huge Spaghetti westerns fan this looks like a must-have book for fans of all Eurotrash thanks to its chronological look at the history of the genre, the major players, filmography and rare photos.

Add it to your holiday wish list today!

November Viewings: Killer Elephants and Naked Kung-Fu

2011-12-03T07:52:00.001-05:00

The post-Halloween letdown combined with the pre-holiday work crush kept me from watching too much stuff last month, but at least nothing outright sucked.

TNT JACKSON
----------------------
The 70s blaxploitation ancestor of stuff like ANGEL OF VENGEANCE stars Jeanne Bell as an Afro'd ass-kicker (with a nifty, awfully-matched stunt double) who comes to Hong Kong to find out who killed her brother. A garish cornucopia of 70s polyester fashions, coke deals gone wrong, topless kung-fu and D-grade villains. (Part of the Roger Corman's Cult Classics Lethal Ladies Collection available at Amazon.)

KILLER ELEPHANTS
------------------------------
"Prepare to be squashed" in this incomprehensible Thai actioner that reminded me of the TEQUILA SUNRISE/EXTREME PREJUDICE school of chums-who grow-up-and-find-themselves-on-opposite-sides-of-the-law. I think. Worth watching if only for the random scenes of elephant rampage including one poor stuntman who gets tea bagged by one of the pesky pachyderms. (Buy at Diabolik)

DEVIL STORY
---------------------
I'm not sure that such a promising first ten minutes has ever gone so wildly off the rails. What starts off like a fun and sleazy slasher -- complete with a drooling, knife-wielding mutant Nazi -- devolves into "dreamy" Jean Rollin territory, a mummy movie and a head-scratching scene with some old dude trying to shoot a horse… that goes on for-ev-er. Yet I couldn't take my eyes off it. (Buy at Diabolik)

BATMAN: YEAR ONE
-------------------------------
Long-awaited animated adaptation of the influential Frank Miller comic tracks future police commissioner Jim Gordon as he arrives in Gotham City and makes his way up the force -- a timeline that coincides with the return of favorite son Bruce Wayne and the emergence of The Batman. Adaptation is largely faithful to the source material but crams the whole tale into a truncated 64-minute running time and suffers from a woefully miscast voice talent in the role of Batman/Bruce Wayne. Luckily, Bryan Cranston excels as the new cop on the Gotham City beat and the DVD also includes a fun, slightly adult Catwoman tale. (Buy at Amazon)

THE REEF
----------------
Yet another in the oh-my-god-our-boat-is-sinking/inaccessible/gone genre. Utterly disposable and unmemorable but the lead dude gets bonus points for reminding me of an Aussie version of Jeffrey Combs. Is something wrong with me that I think OPEN WATER 2 is the best of these movies? (Buy at Amazon)

FAST FIVE
---------------
These flicks are critic-proof for me… they could make one every year and I'd be highly entertained and happy. This installment is like the OCEAN'S ELEVEN of dopey car porn robbery movies with stars from all the various FAST & FURIOUS versions uniting for "one last job" in Rio as they try to heist a fortune from a corrupt businessman while trying to stay one step ahead of a relentless Fed -- played by The Rock -- out to bring them to justice. Hopefully, somebody out there is smart enough to be working on a spin-off for The Rock's tough-guy, ass-kicking Fed. (Buy at Amazon)

SOURCE CODE
-----------------------
I remember seeing ads for this and goofing that it seemed like a leftover script from PAYCHECK-era Ben Affleck. Color me surprised that it was an entertaining time-slipping action yarn that never overstayed its welcome and made the most of Jake Gyllenhaal. Sorta like an action version of GROUNDHOG DAY taken eight minutes at a time, the flick finds Gyllenhaal as a soldier being repeatedly sent back to a Chicago-bound train destined for a terrorist attack in an attempt to find the (far too obvious) bomber. (Buy at Amazon)

ER 2011 Zombie Haiku Contest Winner!

2011-11-01T15:45:00.001-04:00

Thanks to everybody who took the time to put together an entry for the ER 2011 Zombie Haiku Contest.

Entries were very varied and unique... some evoked zombies of the silver screen while others reimagined comic book superheroes as head-chomping monsters. Sports were skewered, holidays were zombified and some people, well, just seemed to like writing about zombies.

But when it was all said and done our celebrity judges (Louis Fowler of Damaged Hearing/Damaged Viewing, Deadvida from RIGOR MORTIS and AMY'S IN THE ATTIC director Matthew Saliba) had one overwhelming, consensus favorite...

Zombies holding signs
"We ate 99 percent!"
#OccupyLiving

Congratulations to the mysterious "M" for their entry. Will the academy look back years from now and wonder if the timeliness of the haiku helped push it over the top? I'll leave that topic for the haiku contest historians.

In the meantime, thanks again to all our judges, sponsors and prize contributors: Louis Fowler, Deadvida, Matthew Saliba, Damaged Hearing, Damaged Viewing, Rigor Mortis, BlackFlag.tv, B-Movie.com, AMCNetworks 'The Walking Dead' for participation, sponsorship and support!

31 Days of Fright!: 5th Annual Exhumed Horrorthon Roundup

2011-10-31T17:30:00.002-04:00

Here's a list of the flicks shown at this weekend's Fifth Annual Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horrorthon (otherwise known as My Favorite Weekend of the Year). Taking their cues from this past spring's successful eXFest, the Horrorthon featured 13 films that had never been shown by Exhumed at any of their regular screenings or marathons as well as an uncut UK print of a film they had shown before.

Personally, I think that made this year's lineup tougher for them to put together because without having screened a lot of these with a crowd you just never know how they'll play with a large group of fans with diverse tastes. The complete list is below (sans trailers and shorts shown between films) along with some brief thoughts and a rating on a scale of 1 to 10.

THE DEATH WHEELERS aka PSYCHOMANIA (7/10)
I'd never seen this trippy 1973 British motorcycle zombie flick until it came out on DVD a year or so ago. (Read full review here.) Not your typical living dead, these re-animated bikers pretty much look the same as they did when alive but they can't be killed. Every time I watch it I can't help but think it's like what the gang at Monty Python would have done had they made a horror flick instead of their take on Camelot.

RODAN (6/10)
It's probably been 35 or more years since I last saw this 1956 giant reptiles attack monster flick. Was hoping for more of a giant monster/Godzilla stomp-a-thon but to RODAN's credit it zips along and never drags.

FRIGHTMARE (8/10)
Not to be confused with Peter Walker's 1974 film that's often found under this name (and I recently picked received on DVD), this version is all 80s all the time, complete with skinny ties, new wave haircuts and future RE-ANIMATOR star Jeffrey Combs as a member of a horror film society that steals the body of a recently-deceased, homicidal faded horror film icon so they can party with him. When the vengeful film star is brought back to life he sets about dispatching his one time fans. Reminded me a bit of CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS.

HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER (Incomplete)
I thought this one an odd choice for a group Halloween horrorthon, but HENRY proved to be the perfect opportunity to go to Wawa and grab a bite for dinner. I'd seen HENRY once before and its depressing, nihilism wasn't something I was in a big rush to experience again. We sat back down just in time for the home invasion "screening" and finale and even from watching that portion you're reminded of the flick's powerful punch and the captivating performance by Michael Rooker.

THE DEAD (7/10)
The fest's only digital projection due to a last minute decision by the distributor to not send a 35mm print, this was also the only flick we knew was playing ahead of time. An upscale version of the "zombies have overrun Africa" flicks that I've enjoyed for so long from the likes of Fulci, Mattei and even the RESIDENT EVIL makers. This one certainly has a more polished feel to it but the way the film is structured makes it more predictable than I'd hoped and the ending is telegraphed early in the film. Still, I'm always happy to see a tense, well acted zombie flick on the big screen.

TRICK OR TREAT (8/10)
Last (and initially) saw this film 25 years ago when visiting a friend at University of Dayton during our college days. I recall thinking it was sorta "meh" at the time but the years have been good to the flick and the irony with which its tale of metal misfits, backward masking and Satanic imagery can now be viewed only enriches the experience. Plus, it plays great with a crowd! The most pleasant surprise of the event.

NIGHT WARNING (9.5/10)
Dear Meryl Streep: Please return the Oscar you took home in 1982 for your role in SOPHIE'S CHOICE. You know, the one you stole from Susan Tyrell for her fearless, amazing turn as a homicidal, horny, incest-driven maniac out to protect Jimmy McNichol from sluts like the girl who played Stephanie on 'Newhart'. One of the single most un-PC flicks I've ever seen (thanks to Bo Svenson's turn as the world's most neanderthal, homophobic cop) this was the flick that blew my mind a la TEENAGE MOTHER, RAW FORCE, WICKED WICKED and BOARDING HOUSE from Horrorthons past. Amazing and an immediate buy when the DVD comes out.

FRANKENHOOKER (8/10)
Another trash classic I hadn't seen since the last gasp exploitation age of the early 90s, this one totally holds up thanks to a completely whacked out plotline, James Lorinz's inspired turn as Jeffrey Franken, exploding hookers, super crack and Patty Mullen as the post-surgery titular Frankenhooker. I probably jinxed myself at this point by texting that the event was going great and I couldn't wait to see what else was coming...

DECISION FOR DOOM aka DR BLACK, MR HYDE (6/10)
I'm not a huge blaxploitation fan so a middle of the night screening of this slooooooww 1976 riff on the Jekyll and Hyde tale may not have been the ideal viewing experience for me. Bernie Casey stars as a rich doc who grew up in a whorehouse. When he attempts to create a serum that regenerates dying liver cells he tests it out on himself... with unfortunate and murderous results.

LEGEND OF THE WOLF WOMAN (6/10)
A woman has recurring visions that she is a werewolf (and the photo of her lycanthropic ancestor that looks just like her doesn't help) so she has sex with men then rips their throats out. After escaping from a mental institution she finds happiness with a stuntman but the lovers are assaulted by a gang of thugs who kill him and rape her. After that it shifts gears into a revenge tale as she tracks down the men responsible. Might give this one another go some time but only because I have a soft spot for European werewolf flicks.

BLOOD DINER (1/10)
I hate BLOOD DINER. I've hated BLOOD DINER since I first saw it in the late 80s and, if possible, hate it even more now. Have never understood the appeal of its imbecilic, infantile sense of humor, horrible acting and wretched directing. When the best thing about your movie is a naked kung-fu scene I think it's safe to say your movie blows.

THE BURNING (6/10)
I loves me some slasher flicks but I've never been able to get a handle on the love for this boring, tension-free 1981 genre entry. It's your typical tale of Cropsey, a creepy caretaker who gets burned to a crisp by some asswipe campers who play a prank on the dude. When Cropsey's well enough to rejoin society he sets about killing a bunch of people who had absolutely nothing to do with his misfortune. Multiple viewings over the years have left me unimpressed by this one and this weekend's screening didn't do much to change my mind. Packed with a lot of familiar faces like Jason Alexander (who appears to be wearing a horrible toupee from the Jeremy Piven Collection despite the fact that he's 22), Fisher Stevens, Brian Backer, Leah Ayres, and a "really-she-was-in-this?" Holly Hunter.

MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (2/10)
Tedious doesn't even begin to describe this directorial effort (and I do mean "effort") from Stephen King. Based on his short story "Trucks", the gaping-plot-hole-packed sci-fi/action/horror smodgepodge centers around a group of workers, travelers, truckers and locals trapped at a NC truck stop when the machines start acting independently. Well, not all the machines, just the ones convenient to the stupid plot. Emilio Estevez and Yeardley Smith lead a cast that will have you cheering for the trucks. The longest 97 minutes I've spent in a long, long time.

MEET THE FEEBLES (Incomplete)
When you're holding out hope that the "jaw-droppingly ridiculous/gory/offensive/just-plain-wrong" cult flick set to conclude the event is going to be BLOODSUCKING FREAKS and it turns out to be MEET THE FEEBLES, well, you can probably understand why my enthusiasm for watching Peter Jackson's 1989 "adult" puppet show may not have been at its highest. I remember when videos of this flick were making the rounds back in the heyday of ER. I didn't like it then and the first 30 minutes of this viewing didn't sway me so with a long drive back home to Baltimore staring me in the face (after nearly 30 hours of being awake) we decided to ditch and hope for a visit from Ralphus and Sardu (perhaps) next time.

Kudos to the Exhumed Films guys who manage to pull off a show that runs smoothly and attempts to satisfy an audience with a very wide range of tastes!

BACK ISSUE #52 to Explore World of Bronze Age Mystery/Horror Comics

2011-10-31T17:03:00.001-04:00

I was turned on to the existence of BACK ISSUE magazine and other TwoMorrows Publishing ventures thanks to ER contributor and Tomb It May Concern editor/publisher David Zuzelo. He was kind enough to send some issues my way earlier this year, knowing full well that I couldn't live without reading issue #49's exhaustive look at the world of Planet of the Apes comics.

I'm currently reading issue #50 which is a full-color look at the Bronze Age adventures of Batman and I think I'll probably be pre-ordering #52, news of which just crossed my desk.

Here's a quick description from the publisher:

BACK ISSUE #52 (84 pages, FULL-COLOR, $8.95) spotlights Mystery Comics of the Bronze Age! All-new interviews with artists BERNIE WRIGHTSON, SERGIO ARAGONÉS, GERRY TALAOC, and DC mystery writer LORE SHOBERG—and MARK EVANIER and DAN SPIEGLE discuss Scooby-Doo (Zoinks!). Plus: DC’s Horror Hosts and Ghosts, Charlton Comics’ chiller anthologies, and damsels of darkness Black Orchid and Madame Xanadu. Featuring art and/or commentary by TONY DeZUNIGA, MICHAEL Wm. KALUTA, VAL MAYERIK, DAVID MICHELINIE, MATT WAGNER, and more, with a rarely seen House of Mystery painting by Wrightson as the cover! Now in FULL COLOR! Edited by MICHAEL EURY.

Zoinks, indeed!

For more info you can check out a PDF preview of the issue or go to the website and pre-order the print and/or digital edition.

31 Days of Fright!: FLESH & BLOOD Delivers an Epic Hammer-Inspired Monster Mash

2011-10-26T12:24:00.001-04:00

A few years ago I sat down and watched Hammer's late 60s/early 70s run of Frankenstein films and found myself transfixed by just how great the series was. While the company's influential and fun Dracula flicks eventually felt dated, gimmicky and repetitive, their Frankenstein cycle continually reinvented itself and – in my mind – reached its pinnacle with FRANKENSTEIN MUST BE DESTROYED (1969). Not just the best of an excellent series, DESTROYED is a fine example of just how smart, scary and great a horror film can be.

Though the good doctor still had some life in him, I was disappointed by how the series ended with DESTROYED's follow up, FRANKENSTEIN AND THE MONSTER FROM HELL (1974). Peter Cushing's creator didn't go out with a bang but a whimper, still stuck in the asylum at film's end, though steadfast in his desire to keep on experimenting.

In a few years John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN (1978) would change the horror film landscape radically and though often cut from similar cloth, the hulking, revenge-driven monsters of the Frankenstein flicks would find themselves taking a backseat to their slasher film brethren.

Fast forward to 2011 and I may finally be getting my wish to see the ol' Baron go out on a high note. This time, though, his sequel isn't coming to the big screen but drenched in four-color fear courtesy of the new comic series FLESH & BLOOD.

Written by Robert Tinnell and illustrated by Neil Vokes, FLESH & BLOOD: Book One (available from recently-minted horror comic publisher Monsterverse) is like the fevered monster mash that many a Hammer-watcher craved. While Universal never missed an opportunity to pit their box-office baddies against one another, Hammer steadfastly kept their mummies, vampires, wolfmen and reanimated monsters on their own separate cinematic paths. And while that vision made for focused (if a smidge rigid) silver screen outings, FLESH & BLOOD shows just how much action-packed horror fun was to be had by letting loose with these characters.

Not to spoil much of the joy to be had in the opening installment's fast and furious pages but let's just say that there's a plan to spring the good Baron and his new cellmate to help thwart a vampire scourge, multiple attacks by various beasties and monsters, and some swashbuckling that brought to mind what may be my favorite Hammer film of them all, CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER (1974).

Tinnell's story draws upon everything from monster lore to Hammer history (and I'd probably pick up even more of the references and sly nods were I better versed in both areas... damn you feeble brain!) while Vokes' panels seamlessly segue between sinister forces attacking pitchfork-wielding villagers, blood-soaked mayhem, two-fisted action and some of the most eye-poppingly eye-popping she-creatures to ever seduce a damsel.

As if this tale of mortals and monsters battling for our very existence wasn't enough, FLESH & BLOOD: Book One comes packed with an introduction from VIDEO WATCHDOG publisher Tim Lucas, a historical perspective on vampire cinema by Bruce Hallenback, an art gallery featuring work by Vokes, Adrian Salmon and Mike Oeming and even the first part of a Quatermass-esque tale called OPERATION SATAN (from Tinnell and artist Bob Hall). Whew!

Like previous collaborations with each other and others (THE BLACK FOREST, THE WICKED WEST, FACELESS, SIGHT UNSEEN, PARLIAMENT OF JUSTICE, THE LIVING AND THE DEAD), Tinnell and Vokes have delivered another blast of prose and graphics with pages that drip with their enthusiasm and love for all things horror. Not merely an homage to the days when the House of Hammer ruled the genre, FLESH & BLOOD is a fitting continuation of the sagas we never wanted to see end.

FLESH & BLOOD: Book One is available at Amazon.

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The Fix is In! For the First Life or Death Ballgame in World Series History!

2011-10-19T07:38:00.002-04:00

While shopping for men's adventure novels at the big local used book sale this spring I stumbled upon Don Kowet's The 7th Game, a 1977 paperback thriller from Dell. How could I not be hooked by a book whose cover featured a baseball with a burning fuse?! Throw in explosives and a gambling / kidnapping plotline and I was all in. Plus, I figured, with the Phillies poised to roll their way at least to the World Series it would make for a great post to coincide with their return to the Fall Classic that starts this evening.

Oops.

In The 7th Game, Jim Pallafox is a left-handed rookie pitcher for the Oakland Golds who has set the baseball world on fire. With the Golds in the World Series against the legendary New York Patriots, the club is relying on the red-haired, flame-throwing southpaw to anchor their attack in games 1, 4 and – if it goes that far – game 7. But what his teammates and the media don't know is that Pallafox is hiding a secret that will rope him into a big-money World Series fix with more than money on the line. The life of a 3-year-old girl hangs in the balance.

I'll admit that I'm no longer a big baseball fan by any stretch. I spent many days and nights watching and listening to the Phillies of the 1970s and early 80s with my Dad, but when the team of my youth was broken up by trades, free agency and retirement my interest in the game started to wane. That and the fact that the season is interminable, games have gotten longer, players switch teams like they change wives and, oh right, I have a life all contributed to my drifting from the "national pastime".

Though I was intrigued by The 7th Game's late 70s setting, Kowet paints a glum picture of what's going on behind-the-scenes at the ballpark: black and white ballplayers appear to be self-segregated and frequently at each others' throats; casual drug use (black players) and booze (white players) are rampant; when players aren't cheating on their wives with floozies they're using their friendship with stars to lure unsuspecting jail bait to their sleazy townhouses; and, the only real reason to own a team is for it to lose money so you can write it off against your real business ventures.

I'll pause while Abner Doubleday rolls over in his grave.

But I don't mind a picture of professional baseball that's probably fairly accurate for its time (I'll have to dig up a juicy, salacious tell-all from the era). Unfortunately, Kowet's book is laugh-out-loud funny, not only due to its half-baked tv-movie-of-the-week story, but also because of an avalanche of implausible plot points, hysterical descriptions and flimsy attempts at disguising franchises and people:

Pallafox, a rookie, not only won 30 games during the regular season (30!) but also came out of the bullpen in the fifth game of the National League Championship Series to record the final out;
Somehow, Pallafox – a rookie sensation who, I'll remind you, won 30 games (!) – has kept it secret that he has a three-year-old daughter from his college days;
Golds owner Walter Kelly not only has a cozy relationship with the owner of a sleazy Vegas casino but also places a $500,000.00 bet on his team... to lose;
The Golds' opponents in the Fall Classic are the legendary New York Patriots, a so-thinly-disguised version of the NY Yankees that Kowet doesn't even bother to come up with names besides Ruth, Gehrig and DiMaggio when describing the plaques that line the Patriots' stadium;
and, a Golds player and his hypno-therapist (both with casino ties!) are brutally killed prior to the seventh game while enough signs point to Pallafox and/or the team's owner fixing the outcome of two games that even numbskull columnists are floating rumors of a fix in their columns!

Were The 7th Game simply implausible and outrageous it might have been a fun read. But, Kowet's style is so dry and bland – more befitting a non-fiction retelling of a post-season than a pulse-pounding thriller – that when the dull prose is occasionally livened with lines like "a groin-tingling spectrum of pulchritude", "As usual, Willie had a coven of svelte sex-witches in tow", or my favorite, "Up the plank-covered steps she went, her high heels rapping, she reflected, like ghost knuckles on a table at an eerie séance" they stick out like sore thumbs.

Naturally, The 7th Game couldn't be written today (especially since Bud Selig would probably send an army of suits to prevent the use of the names "World Series" and "St. Louis Cardinals"). So, from the standpoint of a pre-internet, pre-ESPN, pre-sports-talk-radio, pre-24-hour-news-cycle cultural time capsule it has its moments. (As I read the supposedly tension-packed description of Golds owner Walter Kelly placing a bet on his team to lose with Harry The Sleazy Casino Guy, I pondered just how long it would take that news to break on say, Sports by Brooks or Deadspin. Over or under three-and-a-half hours?) Oh yeah, I also enjoyed the fact that one of the "heroes" of the book is a freelance writer.

But if I really want to relive that era, back when baseball was still tenuously hanging on to its place as the nation's favorite sport, I'll dig out my trove of Phillies yearbooks and Larry Bowa baseball cards or blow the dust off the Strat-O-Matic box that's sitting in my attic.

Use Your Brain Before THEY Get It! Enter the ER Zombie Haiku Contest.

2011-10-17T17:02:00.001-04:00

Got what it takes to write a funny, gross and/or creative Zombie Haiku?

Exploitation Retrospect has joined forces with Louis Fowler of Damaged Hearing/Damaged Viewing and Deadvida of Rigor Mortis to bring you the 2011 Zombie Haiku Contest.

E-mail us your best, most creative, funniest, or grossest zombie-centric haiku by 11:59 PM Eastern on Thursday, October 27, 2011. Our panel of judges will pick their favorite and the winner will be announced on Monday, October 31, 2011. (And let's not get all nit-picky about haiku. For the purpose of this contest we're defining a haiku as a three-line poem with 5 syllables in the first line, 7 syllables in the second and 5 in the third.)

The winning entry will receive a Zombie Prize Package including:

AUTOMATON TRANSFUSION/BLACK SHEEP Double Feature DVD
BIO-DEAD DVD
STRIPPERLAND DVD
Paul is Undead: The British Zombie Invasion by Alan Goldsher
The Zombie Factory: 27 Tales of Bizarre Comix Madness from Beyond the Tomb!
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim by Mark Twain and W. Bill Czolgosz
RIGOR MORTIS #4
ER: Revenge of Print Edition 2011 (upon publication)
AMC's The Walking Dead t-shirt
Autographed vinyl single of outlaw country singer Christopher Murdock's song "Fear the Dead"

You can enter as often as you like but only one entry per e-mail. Entrants must be 18 years of age or older. Each entry must include haiku and e-mail address where we can contact you if you are the winner.

Thanks to Louis Fowler, Deadvida, Damaged Hearing, Damaged Viewing, Rigor Mortis, B-Movie.com, AMCNetworks 'The Walking Dead' for participation, sponsorship and support!

31 Days of Fright!: HORRIBLE (1981) is Ready for the Big Game of American Football

2011-10-16T10:09:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite aspects of Eurotrash cinema is its often absurdist interpretations of American culture. Especially football or, as HORRIBLE calls it, "American football". While THE LAST MATCH probably serves up my fave Eurotrash use of "football as plot device" thanks to casting real life jocks – including future Hall of Famer Jim Kelly as a member of a pigskin commando squad that raids a foreign prison run by Henry Silva, in full pads and helmets no less – Joe D'Amato's monster-slasher flick HORRIBLE employs footage from Super Bowl XIV during key parts of the flick. So put on your best suit, grab a heaping plate of spaghetti and get ready for the big game of American football.

There's a lot to love about Joe D'Amato's HORRIBLE (aka ABSURD, MONSTER HUNTER, ROSSO SANGUE), a 1981 Eurotrasher starring cult legend George Eastman (BLASTFIGHTER and HANDS OF STEEL to name a few of my favorites) as a superhuman cross between Frankenstein and Michael Meyers run amok in "America".

First up, there's the tag-team of Eastman and D'Amato, whose much-hyped ANTHROPOPHOGUS (aka GRIM REAPER) left me cold though they make up for it here. With a script by Eastman and direction by D'Amato that focuses on the violence and tension (while keeping his usual itchy sketchy sleazery in check), HORRIBLE calls to mind the 80s slasher wave (nods to John Carpenter's genre-defining HALLOWEEN abound) while pouring on the price-of-admission blood & guts sequences that put asses in the seats. Heads are pierced with drills, table saws split noggins, eyes are violated with sharp implements and a gruesome, violent struggle ends with a woman's head roasting in a hot oven. Youch!

On top of the flick's bloody monster-on-the-loose plotline the flick serves up more than the usual allotment of Eurotrash absurdity. Turns out that Mikos (Eastman) is an escapee from a Greek lab where he had been under the watchful eye of a priest (Edmund Purdom of PIECES). Somehow, Mikos – who has a blood disorder that makes him quick to heal – has made his way to "America" with Purdom's character in hot pursuit, though I don't believe it's ever explained how Mikos got to America or how the doughy, middle-aged Purdom could ever catch the athletic Eastman.

As their unbelievable film-opening chase comes to an end (with Purdom stopping every now and then to clutch his chest!), Mikos ends up disemboweling himself on the fence outside the home of the Bennett family, a well-to-do clan saddled with Tommy, the requisite annoying Eurobrat (Kasimir Berger) and his paralyzed sister Katia (real-life sister Katya Berger). After escaping from the hospital where doctors and nurses marvel at his recuperative powers, Mikos ends up back at the Bennett house after being involved in a hit and run with the Bennett patriarch! Though not before dispatching Michele Soavi in another of his 80s horror cameos (CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD, DEMONS).

Unfortunately, Mr. and Mrs. Bennett aren't home because it's the night of the big game of "American football" and they're down the street at a friend's house dressed in their Sunday best. Eating plates of spaghetti as they watch Super Bowl XIV! With the Bennett kids, their babysitter and Katya's nurse at home alone, Mikos goes into full-boogieman mode.

Okay, so they're not so much "nods" to HALLOWEEN as they are "direct lifts".

But, for everything there is to love about the flick it ultimately fails to deliver on the promise that it holds. Sure, there are bloody set pieces galore but many of them feel like they're apeing better slices of Eurogore like Lucio Fulci's GATES OF HELL (aka CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD). And while Eastman strikes an athletic and imposing figure as a boogieman (check out his Pumas!), he eventually elicits more titters than tension as he shambles about the house groping for his victims. Add in lackluster pacing, a handful of deathly dull stretches, and the game but miscast Purdom as the Dr. Loomis/Baron Frankenstein character and HORRIBLE ends up being a five-star flick trapped in a three-star body. – Dan Taylor

HORRIBLE is available for purchase at Amazon.

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31 Days of Fright: BLOODY BIRTHDAY (1981) Wants to Know If Anybody Knows What the Word 'Murder' Means

2011-10-14T18:13:00.000-04:00

Welcome to (Sorta) Slasher Friday here at ER's continuing 31 Days of Fright. Admittedly, BLOODY BIRTHDAY isn't really a slasher flick but given its early 80s pedigree, attempt to tap into the genre's always-popular "holiday" theme and Arlen Ober's FRIDAY THE 13th-tastic score I couldn't help but break out Severin's new DVD for a refresher course on this slice of killer kids trash.

There are times when I re-watch something I screened during the early days of ER when I can't believe I loved or hated a particular flick. In some cases – BURIAL GROUND, for instance – my feelings about the flick have gone from love to hate right back to deep, unwavering love over the course of two-plus decades of trash film appreciation.

BLOODY BIRTHDAY, however, is not such a flick. Whether I'm sitting in the Budco Millside in 1986 watching it on the big screen or catching up with it some 25 years later thanks to Severin's new DVD, my attitude towards it is pretty much the same – it's a highly recommended and fun time-waster that coulda been so much more.

Originally released in 1981, BIRTHDAY starts off like many a slasher flick that jammed theaters and drive-ins in the wake of HALLOWEEN/FRIDAY THE 13TH. An ominous "ten years ago" pre-credit sequence announces the birth of triplets during a complete solar eclipse and it isn't long before a couple of horny teens are strangled, bashed and buried alive in "present day" 1980.

Is there – as the townspeople and Sheriff Brody (Bert Kramer) believe – a psycho on the loose? Could it be little Timmy (K.C. Martel), who evaded questions from big sis Joyce (Lori Lethin) about his whereabouts the night Duke and Annie literally took a dirt nap?

Nope, it's exactly who you think it is – Debbie (Elizabeth Hoy), Curtis (Billy Jacoby) and third wheel creep Steven (Andy Freeman). Turns out the solar eclipse caused the creepy trio to be born without consciences, so they think nothing of slaughtering everyone from family members and horny teens to pesky Timmy and nosey Joyce, the only "grown up" who seems capable of figuring out that the kids are behind the bucolic suburb's inexplicable and explosive homicide rate.

Co-written and directed by Ed Hunt, BLOODY BIRTHDAY has a ton going for it. It's paced like lightning, features a liberal sprinkling of lightweight gore, and is helped along admirably by gung-ho performances from devil face Debbie and pistol-packing Curtis, who gleefully stalks the streets at night like a tiny Son of Sam.

As an added bonus there's a healthy dose of top-notch nudity featuring a pre-MTV Julie Brown (EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY) who dances around nude for several minutes while her sister runs an amateur peep show ring from her bedroom closet. (Other familiar faces who pop up during the film's 85 minute running time include Jose Ferrer as the town doctor, Joe Penny as a teacher who may or may not have designs on boinking Joyce, and a bleach blonde Michael Dudikoff as Brown's mono-syllabic boy toy.)

On the other hand, if you like 'em so bad they're enjoyable BLOODY BIRTHDAY won't let you down in that department either. There are laughable lapses in logic, every adult is a trusting boob, the killer kids do everything but wear shirts that say "Murderer", and the ~~two~~ one person on the police force appears to be lethally incompetent. Unfortunately, for all the good will it builds with homicidal adolescents dressed like The Phantom from THE TOWN THAT DREADED SUNDOWN trying to run down their babysitter, the flick's lackluster conclusion always leaves me disappointed.

Unsatisfying ending aside, Severin's new BLOODY BIRTHDAY disc gets my highest recommendation. The flick is the perfect time-waster for an evening of trash viewing and the sight of Debbie trying to strangle a classmate with her jump rope or Curtis blasting away at a cranky teacher never grows stale. Lori Lethin pops in for a good-natured interview featurette, director Hunt contributes an audio interview and I can't imagine any previous home video release of the flick has ever looked this good. – Dan Taylor

BLOODY BIRTHDAY is available from Amazon.com.

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31 Days of Fright: Wanna Date? FRANKENHOOKER (1990) Wants to Know!

2011-10-13T21:10:00.001-04:00

I originally thought that the move from DVD to Blu-Ray would be an excuse I could use to upgrade from my current VHS/DVD deck to a Blu-Ray machine with WiFi. Unfortunately, my wife doesn't seem to buy the argument that "all this stuff is coming out on Blu-Ray" so I need to invest in a player. Until I wear her down I'm happy to have folks like Chuck Francisco of The Midnight Cheese who are willing to checkout stuff like Frank Henenlotter's awesome slab of 90s trash, FRANKENHOOKER.

Not many films have the balls to just lay it all out there for you in the title. This is especially true when the film in question is a horror-comedy depicting a crazed electrical genius who attempts to reconstruct his mulched fiancé from the body parts of 42nd Street working girls – who themselves exploded after smoking his vice-pioneering "super crack".

The electrical genius in question is Jeffery (played by James Lorinz), a wholesome Jersey boy, devoted fiancé and full-time tinkerer. In fact, it is his tinkering which sets this whole tragedy spinning in the first place. You see, Jeffrey modifies a gift for his soon-to-be-father-in-law, turning an ordinary gardening tool into a remote-controlled, fiancé-dicing implement from hell. Still, no harm-no foul, until well-meaning daughter Elizabeth plays with the remote control while her back is to the mower. Yup. Particularly funny is the completely tactless reporter covering the story of the birthday gift gone awry.

As you can imagine, this tragic turn of events sends Jeffery into a depression spiral. He's determined to bring Elizabeth back, but he only managed to save her head – the rest of her body was so badly destroyed as to be unusable. Applying liberal amounts of drill bit to stimulate his own higher brain functions (c'mon folks, the flick's called FRANKENHOOKER), Jeffrey comes to the conclusion that if he can find a prostitute with the perfect body, kill her with his super-powerful version of crack, attach his beloved's head and hit that body with a record thunderstorm's blast of electricity, then everything will be right as rain.

As you can imagine everything doesn't go as planned. The prostitutes find Jeffery's super crack, wrestle it off of him and street walkers explode like it's the Fourth of July.

While James Lorinz's performance is exceptionally hysterical, once she's reanimated from a mish-mash of prostitute parts, Elizabeth's (Penthouse Pet Patty Mullen) awkward stumbling, shuffling, jerky Frankenstein monster movements and crazy, twisted lip, spasmodic motor-mouth becomes the center ring attraction. It seems that mixing up so many hookers wasn't such a good idea as Elizabeth's first impulse is to take the subway to 42nd Street and look for a paying john.

I'm not even doing FRANKENHOOKER's plot justice. It's absurdist to the 10th degree and completely hysterical. It's the type of film you subject unsuspecting friends to and for which they love you (most times). There isn't a better time to consider checking it out than with this Blu-Ray release. The transfer is from vault archives and looks fantastic. There are a few scenes where there's a very slight, barely noticeable texture to the look. I mostly noticed this during the scenes in Jeffery's New Jersey home, but oddly not during the scenes in his garage-based science lab. If anything, it adds to the film in my opinion. It's almost like a filter over the film, painting a sharper contrast between normal life and the lives of those in the 42nd Street scenes. The electricity effects look wonderful and really pop in every instance. It makes we want to watch WEIRD SCIENCE on Blu-Ray to see if the same is true there.

However, not everything was meant to be seen it quite this high a clarity. Some things which would otherwise blend in fine stick out here just a little more than they otherwise would. Two things specifically caught my attention, both during the prostitute party scene. The first is a serious case of cottage cheese ass that I don't remember being visible in my VHS copy. The second is that the ten frame switch between the prostitutes and their exploding dummy bodies is clearer and those bodies look a little papier-mache-like. These little gripes are small potatoes when stacked up against the chance to own FRANKENHOOKER in such a clean, sharp release.

There are a few nice special features packed in for you to check out. A Salad That was Once Named Elizabeth is a question and answer session with Patty Mullen, who played Elizabeth/Frankenhooker. She has a fun time answering the questions and is still very pleasing on the eyes There's also a very enlightening make-up effects featurette entitled A Stitch in Time. Surprisingly, the most compelling bonus features center on Jennifer Delora. You might remember her from the hooker party scene as Angel, the working girl with the curly red hair. The interview with her quickly devolves into her ripping on her co-stars without holding back. This is the kind of good stuff that we rarely get to see on a modern release and there's also a collection of Ms. Delora's photos from the set, which provide a cool insider look behind-the-scenes of this 20th century trash classic.

FRANKENHOOKER on Blu-Ray will be available to add to your collection on November 8th. WANNA DATE? – Chuck Francisco

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31 Days of Fright!: It's Slasher Friday with FRAT HOUSE MASSACRE (2008)

2011-10-07T16:36:00.002-04:00

Welcome to Slasher Friday here at ER's 31 Days of Fright! Today, long-time ER contributor, Divine Exploitation publisher and NAHUM author Doug Waltz checks in with a look at Synapse's new disc for the 2008 retro slasher homage FRAT HOUSE MASSACRE.

It's 1979 and Sean (Chris Prangley) and his brother Bobby (Rane Jameson) have had a hard life. Their parents were killed when they were young. But, they were taken in by the loving Miss P and she gave them everything they could ask for. Now, it's time for the two boys to head off to college and join Delta Iota Epsilon.

But, before they can get there, Bobby gets in a horrible car accident and lies in a coma. Sean returns to his fraternity to find that things have changed. The hazing rituals have turned lethal. When he tries to stop it he is murdered, but at the exact second of his death Bobby snaps out of his coma.

Now, Bobby goes to school, but he isn't there for an education. He's there for revenge.

While I was watching this I couldn't believe how well it had been done. I'm an old fart and remember 1979. They got a lot of this spot-on and you could almost believe that this was some undiscovered slasher flick from the late 70's. The clothes, the cars, the speech. All of it rang true. Sure, you could nitpick some of it, but why bother? It's supposed to be fun.

I have always said that all slasher flicks have to have boobs and blood to be effective, and that still holds true. But, there are other things that make an effective slasher flick. Gory set pieces, bad acting, a feel of it being shot in a small town with people you have never seen in a movie before. This hits on all counts. Even Jon Fleming as the sadistic frat president, Mark, manages to chameleon himself in such a way that you don't recognize him right away.

Here's my one nitpick.

These guys in the frat kill all their pledges. What will happen when they all graduate? If they are supposed to be the top fraternity in the school then you know that their charter is going to question why there have been no new members in a while. I realize that this is nitpicking a slasher flick, but it really bothered me throughout the flick. I needed a better reason than the non-answer we were left with.

As I was checking out the special features it mentioned director Alex Pucci's previous film, CAMP SLAUGHTER. I thought if this was this good then an homage to camp slasher flicks would be even better.

I was right.

Years ago I reviewed a flick called CAMP DAZE. I really liked that one as well. They retitled it CAMP SLAUGHTER for release.

We might want to keep an eye on this Alex Pucci fellow. He seems to be making movies just for me. – Doug Waltz

Buy FRAT HOUSE MASSACRE at Amazon.com.

We receive a small commission for purchases made at Amazon from this blog. Thanks for your support!

Warren/Marvel Comics and MIDNIGHT MARQUEE Back Issues

2011-10-06T11:19:00.000-04:00

Now that the summer is over we're back in auction mode in our attempt to clean house. Be sure to check out our current slate of auctions featuring:

Warren Publishing's late-70s sci-fi/UFO/alien comics
Marvel Previews MAN-GODS FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Warren Publishing's adult fantasy comic '1984'
Ten back issues of MIDNIGHT MARQUEE from fall 1983 through spring 1997

All auctions start at 99 cents and we gladly combine shipping for multiple items won.

Thanks Steve!

2011-10-06T11:08:00.003-04:00

ER co-founder Lou "The Gonster" Goncey and I hard at work on ER #2 in front on my Mac. And a pair of Pee-wee Herman Giant Underpants. (Photo by Nancy Rokos from a Burlington County Times article, October 1986.)

I'd be remiss if I didn't take a moment to acknowledge the passing of Apple co-founder Steve Jobs.

Were it not for Jobs and the Apple Macintosh I'm not 100% sure you'd be reading this blog.

In the summer of 1984 I was getting ready to start my freshman year at Drexel University in Philadelphia. It wasn't where I wanted to go to college but my parents hadn't given me much choice. On top of that they were making me commute from our home in New Jersey and the school was making me buy some stupid computer.

We had a computer at our house, I reasoned. A big, boxy PC thing that took floppy disks the size of 45 RPM singles, made a colossal amount of noise, displayed green type on a black screen, and couldn't compete with my Atari 2600 as far as gaming was concerned.

Why did I need another computer?

Actually, I believe my exact words – as I pulled the computer from its box – were, "What the f#*k am I supposed to do with this thing?"

It would take a few years before I really figured out what I was supposed to do, but it's safe to say that the discovery that I could take that thing – which had been "upgraded" to 512K with an external floppy drive – and make publications was pretty eye-opening.

Pretty soon my friends and I were writing, editing and publishing our own drive-in movie newsletter, getting written up in local papers, major dailies and national magazines, receiving movies and mail from all over the world... and just starting to see the potential held in that little box sitting on my desk in the photo above.

Publishing a zine led to a job in an ad agency which led to freelancing which led to creating catalogs which led to designing web sites which led to starting my own company which led to starting another company and, well, you get the idea.

For the last ten years my "office" has been wherever I set up shop and since 2007 I've been able to be home every day to help raise my daughter while I juggled everything from design and writing to on-line retailing.

All in front of a Mac.

Maybe if Jobs and the Mac hadn't come along somebody else would have invented something that made dreams and aspirations I didn't even know I had a reality. Perhaps. But for the ways he affected my life and the world around us, all I can say is, "Thanks Steve".

31 Days of Fright!: Linda Blair in GROTESQUE (1988)

2011-10-06T10:02:00.003-04:00

When the package for ROGER CORMAN'S CULT CLASSICS: Vampires, Mummies & Monsters All-Night Marathon showed up in my box it was hard to hide my glee. Not only was the four flick set – now simply known as DVD Release of the Year – top-lined by the long-awaited DVD release of LADY FRANKENSTEIN (review to come) but it also included the trippy-looking THE VELVET VAMPIRE (whose poster art I'd seen in many trash film books and zines) and TIME WALKER (an alien-meets-mummy mash-up of which I had some vague recollections).

But it was the late 80s Linda Blair/Tab Hunter flick GROTESQUE that intrigued me most. How many times had I passed by the box in video stores? And why had I always assumed that the artwork featuring a trio of screaming faces indicated some sort of Native American monster movie a la MANITOU?

So imagine my surprise that GROTESQUE turns out to be the set's mind-blowing, head-scratching hidden gem of kitchen sink cinema.

Blair plays Lisa, the daughter of Orville Kruger (Guy Stockwell), a Hollywood special effects whiz known for his gruesome big-screen wizardry. When Lisa and her friend Kathy (played by ANGEL herself, Donna Wilkes) head to the family cabin in the mountains, it seems like the perfect getaway to relax and recharge the ol' batteries.

What they didn't anticipate was that a vanload of leather-clad, overly-made-up punks including guys named Scratch and Ear Box was on their way to the cabin as well, intent on cashing in on Kruger's big "secret". Was it money? Jewels? A mountain of coke?

I'll give you a hint. The flick is called GROTESQUE and it's none of the things mentioned above.

Once Scratch and his gang (which also includes future MANIAC COP star Robert Z'Dar) begin their traumatizing assault on the cabin's residents, director Joe Tornatore (probably better known as a 70s tv/movie bit player) doesn't seem sure where to go. Is GROTESQUE a monster movie? A home-invasion thriller? A black comedy? A chase film? Cinema's worst police procedural? A taut revenge tale?

Guess what? It's all of them! From lumbering mutants and cackling, over-the-top punks (one gal simply screeches like a chimpanzee!) to faux shocks, multiple-movies-within-a-movie, inept cops, brazen kidnappings and endings so offbeat and out-of-nowhere it'll leave you scrambling for the remote, GROTESQUE has something for everybody. Okay, so it's pretty light on the nudity and gore so sleazehounds might want to think twice, but for fans of offbeat cinema GROTESQUE is a must-see. – Dan Taylor

Buy ROGER CORMAN'S CULT CLASSICS: Vampires, Mummies & Monsters All-Night Marathon at Amazon.

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31 Days of Fright!: Ted Post's THE BABY (1973)

2011-10-05T12:41:00.002-04:00

Editor's Note: I first became familiar with filmmaker Matthew Saliba when a copy of his excellent short AMY'S IN THE ATTIC arrived in my PO Box. Mixing two parts inspired giallo tribute and one part fetishism (with a splash of J&B), AMY is a great example of a grindhouse homage that works on every level. I'm happy to have Saliba joining the ER staff as a reviewer and I'm sure you'll enjoy the perspective he brings as both a fan of trash cinema and a filmmaker who clearly loves what he does. You can follow Matthew on Twitter and Facebook.

One of the reasons why the world of BDSM and Fetishism excites me is its complexity and eclecticism when it comes to discovering the many things that can turn a person on. For every foot fetishist, there's somebody into masturbating with sandpaper whilst being flogged by an 80-year old woman in leather and lace, gyrating to the tune of "Baby Elephant Walk" by Henry Mancini.

But enough about my weekend.

Fetishism is a kaleidoscope of psychological complexity that just begs to be given the cinematic treatment. And it's been given just that to varying degrees of success. However, even the best films are ripe with cliche and focus on the all-too stereotypical aspects of kinky sexuality. But once in a while, a film comes along that focuses on a very obscure fetishistic niche that blows the mind and shatters the boundaries of acceptability in the world of mainstream cinema. Ted Post's THE BABY is one such film.

Directed by the man who brought us BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES and MAGNUM FORCE (among others), THE BABY tells the story of Ann Gentry (Anjanette Corner), a social worker who volunteers to take on the case of the Wadsworth family, a demented quartet led by a domineering matriarch (Ruth Roman), plus daughters Germaine (Marianna Hall) and Alba (Suzanne Zenor) and "Baby," (David Manzy) a poster child for infantilism insofar as he's a fully grown man who acts like and is treated like a baby by his mother and sisters. After repeated visits to the household, Ann begins to suspect that all is not right with the Wadsworths and that Baby is being mistreated by his family who intend to love him but are not willing to give him the help that he needs in order to develop into a fully-functioning adult male. Her suspicions are proven to be just when the audience is given glimpses into the Wadsworth home where we see Baby being used as a sexual plaything by one of his sisters, getting electrocuted with a cattle prod by his other sister and serving as the butt of a series of verbal humiliation sessions from his mother. Ann takes it upon herself to save Baby and integrate him into a life where he can be with his own kind. Of course this won't happen without a fight. So needless to say, when she manages to successfully remove him from their home, the Wadsworth clan comes a calling, leading to a climactic battle with an M. Night Shyamalanian-esque final reel plot twist that forces us to reconsider everything we have just seen, in particular, the righteousness of Ann's cause.

THE BABY is a wonderfully twisted film that could only come out of the 1970s. This period in film history was by far, the most daring, innovative and conceptually experimental ever and as such audiences then (and now) have reaped and will continue to reap the fruits from this cinematic bounty. For all our talk about how we in the 21st century have come so far socially and artistically, we're incredibly repressed and constrained when it comes to our pathetic attempts to make sexually daring films. Ted Post takes themes of infantilism and incest and treats them with the kind of class and maturity you rarely see in horror films nowadays. This could have easily turned into a piece of cinematic schlock, but thankfully Post is far too accomplished a filmmaker to allow his material to deteriorate into superficial sensationalism. Instead, we get a story that's daring in subject matter, rich in subtext (themes of the lesser of two evils, the frustration that comes with laws protecting even the most horrible of parents, etc.) and genuinely unnerving in its characterization. It should go without saying that David Manzy is absolutely masterful as Baby. I've always maintained that a real actor is a man or woman who can completely immerse him/herself into a role at the expense of any personal or moral objections with the part or story and especially with their sense of self-consciousness. After all, if you're doing your job right, your friends and family who come to see your film will not see YOU up on the big screen, bur rather your character and as such you shouldn't be concerned with being embarrassed about what it is that the film requires you to do. With that definition in mind, David Manzy is bloody Laurence Olivier!

THE BABY is released on DVD through Severin Films who did a commendable job with the transfer. With the exception of some low-light scenes in which considerable noise is present in the blacks, the film looks stunning. The sound is thankfully presented in mono, which is the only way to properly appreciate a gem like this one. As far as extras go, they're unfortunately slim, but what we do get is satisfying in its own right. First off, there's the hilariously over-the-top and incredibly misleading trailer that makes THE BABY out to be a gruesome slasher film in the vein of H.G. Lewis. Then there's a pair of interviews, one with Ted Post who claims to not remember the film but somehow cranks out one anecdote after another about the production. The other interview is with David Manzy and it's the real highlight of the disc folks! As you can probably imagine, Manzy has chosen to distance himself from the production, going so far as to rechristen himself David Mooney in the time that's passed between the production and today. He regales us with a story about how he's now become a teacher but even a change in profession and name couldn't stop his students from discovering his past and in particular his participation in this film.

Needless to say, I highly recommend THE BABY. If you're into fetishes, there's plenty here to excite you. And if you're just looking for an excellent horror film to sink your teeth into, then they don't come any more transgressive than this one. – Matthew Saliba

Buy THE BABY at Amazon.com.

We receive a small commission for purchases made at Amazon from this blog. Thanks for your support!

31 Days of Fright: 2011 Style

2011-10-01T09:37:00.001-04:00

It was only after reading good pal David Zuzelo's initial Halloween Horrors post that it dawned on me... today is October 1st.

D'oh!

I should really be more aware of this. My wife's birthday is September 30th and I'd already made mental notes to shift into official Can. Not. Wait.® mode for the fifth Exhumed Films 24 Hour Marathon which arrives in four weeks. (Seriously. Can. Not. Wait.)

And with the arrival of October comes The Return of 31 Days of Fright, our annual month-long look at things that go bump in the night. I started this themed outing back in 2008 and the first couple years went well. Lots of posts, links, reviews, trailers, news, etc.

Last year? Well, I really dropped the ball. And I'm not even sure why (though I have a good idea). But it looks like I never even got to the halfway point before things disintegrated.

So, I pledge not to let that happen this year. Thanks to our growing roster of contributors there should be a steady stream of content, plus I've been getting back into review mode. Then again, we all know how the Summer of ACTION! turned out.

Anyway, let's kick this off in style. With a classic. And let me be among the first to wish you a Happy Halloween!

Watch Out Loki! Or Zoolander Will Hit You With Blue Steel!

2011-09-30T17:44:00.000-04:00

What is up with that look ~~Derek Zoolander~~ Bruce Banner is giving us?

It's No HUMAN TARGET but PERSON OF INTEREST Delivers Your Weekly Action Fix

2011-09-24T09:12:00.000-04:00

Remember the end of THE DARK KNIGHT, when Batman/Bruce Wayneuses the technology at the disposal of Wayne Industries to turn Gotham City into a giant surveillance device so he can find The Joker? Well,TDK screenwriter Jonathan Nolan sure did because he takes the same basicconcept – a secret, citywide surveillance network – and expounds on it in thenew CBS vigilante action series PERSON OF INTEREST.

Co-created by Nolan and JJ Abrams (LOST, FRINGE), the showunites two men the world thinks are dead in a battle against crimes thathaven’t happened yet. There’s Mr. Finch (LOST’s Michael Emerson), a slightlycrippled billionaire genius who created the government’s shadowy Big Brother inthe wake of 9/11. John Reese (Jim Caviezel – looking like a young, friendlierEric Roberts) is ex-military who has coped with the loss of a loved one byfalling off the face of the earth and seeking solace in a bottle.

A chance encounter between Reece (in full wino mode) andsome subway gang bangers lands him in the office of a detective (Taraji P.Henson) who wants to know more about this derelict with lethal moves. Beforeshe can run the cup she obviously lifted for prints (ham-fistedly shown acouple times for slower viewers), Finch’s lawyer has sprung Reese and thejourney towards the two working together is under way.

Though PERSON OF INTEREST lacks the humor and chemistry thatmade FOX’s HUMAN TARGET (RIP) such a treat, the show should ably satisfy myweekly action fix. Caviezel is slick and confident as he deals with everything fromdirty cops to a blink-and-you-miss-him William Sadler as a gun buyer; andscenes of our hero loading a rocket launcher in the back of a cab, then coollyhopping out to take down an SUV in the middle of Manhattan are a hoot.

PERSON isn’t groundbreaking by any stretch but if it turnsinto THE EQUALIZER MEETS THE FUGITIVE for the 21^st century I’m okaywith that.

What Happened to the Summer of ACTION?! and Other Notes

2011-09-23T10:36:00.003-04:00

Okay, so the Summer of ACTION! didn't turn out quite the way I'd hoped.

Though the umbrella project featuring everything from comics and action flicks to vintage TV and men's adventure novels started strong (and with the best of intentions), by August the real world had intervened and while I kept reading and watching I never quite found the time to write. Add in a week without internet (due to the hurricane) and several extended beach trips and well, you know how it goes.

So, what happens now? Does the SoA! come to an end? Get "retired" like an assassin whose conscience is getting to him? Do we put it on ice – like Dolph Lundgren in the snappy action flick UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: REGENERATION – only to thaw it out next June in the hopes that the intervening months haven't made it crazier than it already was?

Hell no.

Though it might be getting dark earlier and fall temperatures aren't far off, the Summer of ACTION! will continue. Like five o'clock, it's always summer somewhere.

So, what else is happening in the world of Exploitation Retrospect?

Work on our Revenge of Print edition is currently under way and thanks to a hard drive bulging with awesome contributions it's likely to be the biggest issue of ER ever produced. I still have some design decisions to shake out – particularly whether to go with a digest or full-size layout – but we're still on track to have the issue wrapped up before the end of 2011.

I've also decided to make some changes in how reviews appear both on this blog and at our site. Recent discussions with a friend who is just tackling the whole blog thing made me realize that I've been keeping one foot in "traditional" publishing for far too long.

The original ER website was put together in the mid-to-late 1990s and my approach to it shows. With the current "system" I gather reviews as they come in from contributors and update the site (when time allows) with a couple dozen reviews. In other words, the site has become a bit like the zine that led to its creation – no real deadline for publication and it only gets worked on when I have a huge block of time to handle the formatting, linking and updating of the home page.

It finally dawned on me that nobody ever said I had to wait till I had two dozen reviews to update the site, that all the new reviews had to go up at once, or that I couldn't roll reviews out here on the blog first.

Hopefully, this change in approach will lead to a couple things. First, reviews of new releases will appear here and on the site in a more timely fashion. Second, the site will get updated more frequently. And, third, I won't have to make the foolhardy attempt to carve three or four hours out of a weekend in order to do a sweeping site update.

That's about all for now. Thanks for your continued support of this blog and the site!

Mya PAGANINI Set Available for Pre-Order

2011-09-10T08:42:00.001-04:00

I picked up the 2-disc Region 2 PAL set of Klaus Kinski's directorial debut (and swan song) PAGANINI a few years back at a horror film convention. The long-gestating film was Kinksi's dream project and at times he even tried to get longtime collaborator/frenemy Werner Herzog on board to direct.

Eventually, Klaus got behind the camera and directed himself as the fiery composer and violinist. It's a wild flick, I'll say that, with Kinski delivering an intense performance that's hard to take your eyes off... even when the flick around him falters.

Now the folks at Mya Entertainment, who brought us EVIL FACE (aka THE HAND THAT FEEDS THE DEAD) a couple years ago are finally making PAGANINI available in the United States and it appears that the two-disc DVD set due out in early November contains most if not all of the material found on the Region 2 PAL set.

Here's what the TCM website has to say:

At last-see the Klaus Kinski movie Werner Herzog refused to make! Who else could direct his final performance but Kinski himself, in this crazed and erotic biopic of Italian violinist Niccolo Paganini? As daring and innovative as its subject, writer/director/star Kinski's film about the controversial musician (and the demons he battled while astonishing the world with his artistry) is equal parts maddening, baffling, and unforgettable. Co-stars Nicola Caprioglio and Nikolai Kinski (his wife and son), Eva Grimaldi. Theatrical version; 84 min./Director's cut; 98 min. Standard; Soundtracks: Italian Dolby Digital stereo, English Dolby Digital stereo, French Dolby Digital stereo; behind-the-scenes footage; deleted scenes; photo gallery; theatrical trailer. In Italian; no subtitles/Dubbed in English. Two-disc set.

You can pre-order the set now at Amazon.

(Exploitation Retrospect receives a small commission for purchases made through Amazon. Thanks for your support!)

Blogus Interruptus

2011-09-03T09:19:00.001-04:00

One of the many branches and limbs
deposited in our yard by Irene.

Hoping all of our readers made it through Hurricane Irene ok. I was feeling pretty bold on Saturday night. After six-plus hours worth of rain and tropical storm winds that were shaking the 60-year-old trees around our house like maracas I finally went to sleep with power, cable TV, Internet, etc.

When my 4-year-old woke me out of a deep sleep on Sunday morning with a series of taps on the shoulder I discovered that sometime during the night we'd lost our cable and cable-powered Internet connection. We still had power – and only lost it for a brief moment on Sunday afternoon – but cable and Internet never returned.

In a house with a 4-year-old, one spouse who works in news and another who runs two companies from a home office, the lack of cable and Internet can make things a little tense. Thank god for local fast food joints, coffee shops and office supply stores who willingly supplied free Internet access (big shout outs to Office Depot, Starbucks and Caribou Coffee).

That was almost a week ago and as we left yesterday for an end-of-season weekend at the beach, power was finally being restored to the unfortunate souls in our area who had gone without since the storm peaked on Saturday night.

But we still didn't have cable/Internet, despite Comcast's optimistic message – displayed since Sunday – that the "temporary disruption" in our service would be fixed "momentarily".

Apparently, Comcast and I have different views of what "momentarily" means.

Now, I know that when your neighbors are sans power and the UPS guy is confessing that he bought 60 lbs. of beef on Saturday only to watch his power go out that night it's hard to bitch that your kid can't watch Max & Ruby and you're unable to send e-mails to customers or thank PR people for the latest care packages of DVDs and BBQ Sauce.

But now that power has been restored to our 'hood is it ok for me to bitch? Just a little?

For now, though, I'll enjoy the sun, sand and surf, hoping that when I return home I'll find a working cable connection.

SUMMER OF ACTION! -- Why Am I Alive?

2011-08-24T16:53:00.006-04:00

Don't be sad, don't be blue, Happy Burger has treats for you!

SERIES: The Dead Man
VOLUME/TITLE: #1/Face of Evil
AUTHOR: Lee Goldberg & William Rabkin
PUBLISHER: CreateSpace
YEAR: 2011
OPENING LINES:February 19, 2011. In the few minutes before Barney Slezak recorded the gruesome YouTube video that would draw more than a million hits, winning him and his family an all-expense-paid trip to Los Angeles to be on Jimmy Kimmel's show, he was thinking about how much he hated snow.
CLOSING LINES: And with that, Matthew Cahill walked out the door and down the road, chasing the receding echo of Mr. Dark's twisted laughter wherever it might lead him.

One of the biggest problems with getting hooked on men's adventure novels a good twenty or thirty years after they peaked in popularity is that it can be difficult – and sometimes pricey – to pick up a series from the beginning. Oh sure, you can grab fistfuls of adventure for 25 cents a pop at your local flea market or thrift shop, but you're often dropped into the midst of a series, wondering just how this guy you're reading about became a Death Merchant, a Protector or a one-eyed mercenary.

Though some series, like The Destroyer, have made it easy for fans and newbies to get started thanks to things like selected "best of" volumes or dirt-cheap ebooks, be prepared to shell out more than flea market prices if you want to read the first few adventures of Mack Bolan.

The ability to get in on the ground floor, so to speak, was but one of the things that attracted me about The Dead Man books, a new series created by Lee Goldberg & William Rabkin (action fiction vets and writers of the popular MONK and PSYCH novels, respectively). Not only could I start at the beginning and keep pace, but good pal and kindred spirit David Zuzelo assured me that the tales of Matt Cahill would dovetail nicely with both the Summer of ACTION! and my horror-loving side.

FACE OF EVIL introduces us to Matt Cahill, one of the luckiest – or unluckiest – men alive. I supposed it depends on your point of view. After a skiing accident leaves him buried under a mountain of snow and presumed dead, Cahill rejoins the human race when his body is discovered by a family that I'm sure will spend the rest of their vacations in a warm, sunny climate.

Not surprisingly, the time spent locked in his icy tomb has left Matt with an unwelcome skill – he can literally see the bad in people. And when he sees it he really sees it – soulless eyes, rotting flesh and boiling skin are just a few of the ways the evil manifests itself as Cahill attempts to return to the life he led before the accident.

Complicating matters are the presence of Mr. Dark – a shadowy figure who haunts Cahill at every turn – and the fact that Cahill's best friend appears to be falling prey to the evil that's tearing away at him from the inside.

If you're anything like me – a card-carrying HorrorDad^TM who fits in his reading time between pre-school drop-off/pick-up, meals, swim lessons, exercising, grocery store trips and the like – FACE OF EVIL (and the other Dead Man books I'll be reviewing soon) gets my highest recommendation. The book is short and fast-paced, but never feels rushed, and you'll find yourself looking for any excuse to bang out the next chapter.

And, like an adaptation of the greatest tv show that's not on the air, the end will leave you wanting more. NOW!

Five O'Clock Shadow of the Bat

2011-08-16T17:10:00.003-04:00

Was out doing some painting with Chatty Boy this afternoon. She decided that I should do a picture of Batman. (I passed on adding Robin, "you know him... he's his mate".) I don't think my pals Neil Vokes and Adrian Salmon have anything to fear.

July 2011 Viewing Addendum!

2011-08-06T11:24:00.002-04:00

I realized the other day I left a couple things off my July 2011 viewing list. DEATH HUNTER: WEREWOLVES VS VAMPIRES (MTI) is an overly-ambitious but cheap and fun horror/action flick that would have made for a great men's action paperback series. A couple on an anniversary camping trip get attacked by vampires at a remote bar (sorta like if FROM DUSK TILL DAWN happened in reverse). She turns into an undead bloodsucker but he survives, only to get bit by a werewolf! A mysterious stranger injects him with an antidote and helps him train to be a part-man/part-werewolf monster hunter.

THE FRANKENSTEIN SYNDROME (also MTI) was a very pleasant surprise, with Louis Mandylor, Ed Lauter (!) and current scream queen Tiffany Shepis in an entertaining Frankenstein update mashed with a dash of RE-ANIMATOR. Lots of low-budget ruminations on life and death plus just enough gore to keep trash fans tuned in. Some surprisingly good performances, especially former NFL player Scott Leet as David, the bodyguard turned "manster".

Full reviews of both to come in our upcoming summer update!

The Dirty Dozen – Premiere Edition

2011-08-05T16:12:00.029-04:00

Entertainment Weekly has their Must List.

Golf Magazine has the Front 9.

But what if you don't care about golf or what the cast of Glee is up to? What if you what you really want to know is what Eurotrash DVDs are coming out or what blogs you should be reading or bands you should be listening to in order to get your recommended daily dose of trash?

Well, fear not. ER is here with The Dirty Dozen, a new feature that will provide you with a look at the junk culture and fringe media stuff we love, Love, LOVE ... at the moment. Stop back every weekend for a new installment and be sure to drop me a line if you have something you feel is worthy of being in The Dirty Dozen. Got a mag, comic, zine, disc, movie or, well, anything you want us to check out? See the sidebar for our PO Box address.

Enough yakking. On to this week's list!

The Planet of the Apes Saga: Original Recipe – I don't know if RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES is any good or not, though I was pleasantly surprised to see its rating on Rotten Tomatoes well past 80% when I got up this morning. But I do know that the new flick seems to have sparked renewed interest in the original five films which I love so much. Best of all, I got to watch all five flicks on the big screen last weekend thanks to the guys at Exhumed Films and believe it or not, I think I actually like the series more than I did about a week ago. Rather than simply make the same flick over and over again each film has its own unique take on the storyline, and, more importantly, the saga works as a great, epic tale. Sure, some of the effects are dated and the messages simplistic, but I'll go on the record as saying the STAR WARS flicks can't hold a candle to the APES saga.

TENEBRAE (DVD) – Though I've been spending a lot of time these last few months immersed in The Summer of ACTION! (with more posts to come soon, I promise), an ongoing side project has been a reassessment of the work of Dario Argento. I've always thought The Italian Hitchcock was a little overrated but felt like I should go back and give fresh watches to some of his classic – and not so classic – work to see if I was being fair. I was surprised by how much I loved the nightmarish INFERNO and how much the trashy, nutzoid PHENOMENA didn't click with me. But a recent viewing of the seemingly personal TENEBRAE reminded me that when he was firing on all cylinders there weren't many who could touch Argento's deft touch when it came to giallo. It's an entertaining, funny and well-acted mystery packed with iconic death scenes and a superb cast.

THE BASEMENT VHS Screener – As the DVD/Blu-Ray era closes in on the end of its second decade, one can be left wondering what's left to release? Thanks to the horror market's insatiable need to see anything and everything, no matter how poorly acted or cheaply made, it looks like shot-on-video and shot-on-super-8mm (!) features will ensure that horror fans have plenty to watch in the years to come. THE BASEMENT takes a page out of the SLEDGEHAMMER book by providing screeners on both DVD and VHS. THE VHS screener is a site to behold, an old school big box with colorful artwork of a buxom blonde being attached by nasty beasts from the titular basement. I don't know if the flick will even be watchable (though I was pleasantly surprised by SLEDGEHAMMER) but the screener brought a tear to my eye and reminded me of the good old days of turning those worn out cardboard boxes over and over in my hands.

Klaus Kinski's Directorial Debut (And Swan Song) Comes to US DVD – Regular readers know of my love for the irascible and outrageous European film star Klaus Kinski. I've long contended that no matter how brief his role, "The German Olivier" usually makes anything he's in worth watching. (A theory that was severaly put to the test by PSYCHOPATH.) Towards the end of his long and storied career, Kinski conspired to write and direct a biography of Niccolo Paganini, an Italian violinist and composer whose wild lifestyle and violent playing style led some to suggest that he'd made a deal with the devil (take THAT Robert Johnson!). The resulting film – KINSKI PAGANINI – has only been available on German VHS and DVD but good pal and Cinema Arcana honcho Bruce Holecheck recently informed me that Mya (who released the Turkish Kinski oddity EVIL FACE) will be putting the film out on US DVD in November. I'll provide more details about the disc as they become available and be sure to check out the Cinema Arcana Upcoming Release List!

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN: THE ELM STREET LEGACY (DVD) – I've always thought the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET franchise should have ended after the third installment – DREAM WARRIORS directed by Chuck Russell. It made up for some of the glaring sins of ELM STREET 2, gave the series a nice sense of closure thanks to the presence of Heather Langenkamp and John Saxon, and would have been a good way to end things on a high note. Thanks to boffo box office we all know that's not how things played out and the more of an outrageous wise-cracker Freddy became the more my interest in the series waned. But I'm glad it went on as long as it did, because it gave filmmakers Daniel Farrands and Andrew Kasch the opportunity to create NEVER SLEEP AGAIN, an exhaustive, funny and informative look at the franchise, the people behind it, and how New Line really was "The House That Freddy Built". Who knew a four-hour ELM STREET doc would be my front-runner for my favorite film I've seen all year?!

The Stalkers: Yesterday is No Tomorrow (CD) – I caught this New York garage band a few weeks ago when they opened for The Dwarves here in Baltimore. The moment I saw them setting up on stage I had a feeling they'd be the kind of band I'd dig... the members looked like guys I hung out with in college and you could almost smell the Ramones/Thunders/Dictators vibe. Oddly enough, the dude I had pegged for their roadie – a burly biker type who looked like he might have kidnapped the rest of the band – was actually their lead singer, giving the garage-pop an interesting visual dynamic and gleefully sinister playfulness. The disc I picked up from their merch table after the show is four years old and doesn't really do them justice, but with great music in short supply these days I was happy to discover a band I'm anxious to hear more from.

Louis Fowler's Damaged Viewing (Podcast) – Longtime ER readers are certainly already familiar with Louis Fowler, a pop culture watchdog who has written some of my favorite reviews at the site. And when he's not telling everybody within earshot how great BATMAN & ROBIN is he's also a damn fine blogger, food writer (check out his work in our sister publication The Hungover Gourmet) and host of Damaged Hearing (available via iTunes). But I'm partial to Louis's latest venture – with frequent guest and card-carrying Man of ACTION! John Grace – a hysterical and interesting look at cinema called (what else?) Damaged Viewing. Louis and Co. jump in the studio after seeing such films as TRANSFORMERS 3, GREEN LANTERN and CAPTAIN AMERICA, only to find the conversation veering wildly off-topic before coming back around.

Black Dynamite: The Animated Series Premiere (TV) – I finally caught up with BLACK DYNAMITE at this year's ActionFest and busted a gut over Michael Jai White's dead-on paean to 70s blaxploitation cinema. With DYNAMITE already a full-fledged cult film hit, the character has his own comic book and is now set for his big TV debut. But first, this Monday, August 8th will see the premiere of BLACK DYNAMITE: THE ANIMATED SERIES on AdultSwim.com. The 11-minute pilot, featuring the voices of White, Tommy Davidson and others from the film, is just the start as Dynamite will be joining the Adult Swim lineup later this year.

First Photo of Henry Cavill as The Man of Steel – I was shocked when the first photo of Henry Cavill in the Superman costume from the upcoming THE MAN OF STEEL hit the internet and nerds began complaining. Oh no, wait, I wasn't shocked at all. In fact, I resisted the urge to look at the pic when the link first hit my mailbox because I wanted time for the ferocious idiocy to come to a rolling boil. Sure enough, comments sections on blogs, websites and social media sites were packed with complaints ranging from nitpicky (Why is the S so big? The cape looks like drapes.) to nitwitty (Bring back Brandon Routh! Where's the curled lock of hair?). Frankly, I'm not a huge Superman fan but even I was dismayed at Kal-El's last cinematic outing and had little interest in this new "reboot", even if I like some of Zack Snyder's work. But not only does the first look at Supes remind me of the George Reeves show that I grew up on but for the first time in a long time the Boy Scout looks like he's finally ready to kick some bad guy ass. (I was not similarly enthused about the first glimpse of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES.)

Bruce Springsteen Auditions for PERFECT? (Viral) – There came a point in the 1980s where you had to make a music video. It didn't matter how big a star you were, music videos were a big promotional tool... even if they made you look like a tool. Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing in the Dark" was, I believe, The Boss's first music video and the one that aired ad nauseum on MTV is largely remembered for the scene at the end with a post-MISFITS OF SCIENCE/pre-FRIENDS Courtney Cox being pulled from the audience to "dance" with Bruce. (The moment was even referenced on Cox's underrated COUGAR TOWN last season.) As stiff and uncomfortable as that video is, it's like a Kubrick film in comparison to this early, original version that I stumbled across thanks to the great Butch Walker (whose new album hits later this month). For twelve painful minutes The Boss arthritically lurches through "dance moves", does some kinda weird lasso thing over his head and snaps his fingers to a non-existent beat that only he can hear. That'd be bad enough, but the black pants, wife-beater tee, suspenders and black headband make it look like he's trying out for a role in PERFECT. Hard to believe this is the guy who did "Candy's Room".

Kindle Bargains (eBooks) – After getting an iPad this summer I found myself blowing past the eBook apps because I couldn't imagine I'd ever curl up with the device to read a good book. I've always been a textural guy who likes the feel and smell of a used paperback or the ability to roll up a mag or zine and stuff it in my pocket. But I was won over by the Kindle app and the fact that Created, The Destroyer was available for the low, low price of 99 cents along with a ton of other Destroyer novels! (Hey, if you're going to take the plunge into a Summer of ACTION! you might as well read the first book in the most famous men's action series.) Then, while cruising around West Philly this past weekend, ER co-founder Lou Goncey informed me that the 25th anniversary edition of John Skipp & Craig Spector's groundbreaking splatterpunk horror novel Light at the End was available for less than the price of a cup of coffee. The eBook will never replace the fun of finding great, used trash at a flea market and I won't take my iPad into the can with me, but good bargains on great books will certainly keep me coming back for more.

JAWS Meets... Peanuts? – As a kid I loved anything and everything related to PLANET OF THE APES, KISS, and James Bond, just to name a few. Having older siblings meant that I also got my hands on passed-down volumes of classic Peanuts strips re-printed in paperbacks and had escorts who would take me to see JAWS, even when I wasn't supposed to. Given how much time I spent in the ocean you'd have thought the flick would have freaked me out, but I went the opposite direction and, for a brief period, embraced all things shark. My 9th birthday even had a bit of a JAWS theme, with me getting a huge towel featuring the iconic JAWS poster (wish I still had that) and a plastic Great White Shark bank. Never expected to see beloved childhood icons like Snoopy and JAWS mashed up, but, well, you just never know. (Link via Super Punch)

July 2011 Viewings

2011-08-01T12:11:00.003-04:00

18 flicks this month, helped along largely by the girls' weekend away and yesterday's month-ending APE-Fest (which will be covered in a separate post).

CABIN FEVER 2
Surprisingly entertaining, high-school-centric contagiony sequel to the Eli Roth original. Best prom-based horror flick since DANCE OF THE DEAD. (Buy at Amazon)

KICK-ASS
Heard good things about this but felt it paled in comparison the grittier, more subversive SUPER. Nic Cage makes up for a lot of past sins with his Adam West-y delivery but the whole affair feels too slick and polished. (Buy at Amazon)

MORTUARY
Christopher George is in grizzled overdrive as the mortuary owner who may or may not be having black masses with suburban housewives, including the MILF-y Mrs. Christopher George. Bill Paxton, in one of his earliest roles, acts his ass off as C-George's creepy, classical music-loving embalmer son. (Buy at Amazon)

UNDISPUTED III
Never expected that there'd be a third installment of this prison boxing/MMA series but here it is. Michael Jai White is gone but Scott Adkins returns as the crippled Boyka who works his way into a "winner gets his freedom" tourney featuring prison fighters from all over the globe. High octance check-your-brain-at-the-door fun. (Buy at Amazon)

RACE WITH THE DEVIL
A childhood fave now out on DVD. Warren Oates, Peter Fonda and their wives take what they hope will be a peaceful RV trip through the South, only to witness a Satanic human sacrifice that lands them smack dab in what appears to be a cult that involves all of Texas. (Buy at Amazon)

PHENOMENA
My Summer of Argento Reassessment continues with this oddly trashy offering from the Italian Hitchcock. This one has razor-wielding monkeys, maggot pits, monster kids, decapitations and ear-splitting metal, yet it failed to click with me. Though the last 20 minutes sure try to make it up to me! (Buy at Amazon)

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: REGENERATION
When a rebel leader threatens to blow up Chernobyl *and* kidnaps two of the Russian leader's kids, it's time to call in the Universal Soldiers. Unfortunately, the original recipe versions are no match for US 2.0 and it's up to JCVD to save the day. A fast-paced and violent romp. (Buy at Amazon)

BLOODY BIRTHDAY
Had not seen this since it made its way to the local dumping ground during the late 80s. A fun and sinister "killer kids" flick packed with nudity and nutjob plotting plus Michael Dudikoff as Julie Brown's bleach blonde boy toy. Eases up a little too much at the end but good dopey fun. (Buy at Amazon)

STAGEFRIGHT
One of those "Where Have You Been All My Life?" 80s trashterpieces from Michele Soavi. A deranged killer torments a group of MTV video rejects rehearsing a musical about a dancing owl-headed rapist. Bonkers. (Buy at Amazon)

ANGRY RANGER
Guy comes home after his prison term, only to discover his neighborhood is overrun by various gangs. After getting drunk and eating some night snacks he beats everybody up.

UP FROM THE DEPTHS
80s Corman aquahorror that falls into that trap of being a little *too* jokey. Hoping the disc's second feature – DEMON OF PARADISE – salvages the purchase somewhat. (Buy at Amazon)

NEVER SLEEP AGAIN
Not-to-be-missed epic (4 hours!) documentary on the ELM STREET franchise. Even if, like me, your interest in the series waned a bit after the third installment this is an exhaustive, entertaining and informative look at Freddy, Wes Craven, New Line and much more. (Buy at Amazon)

TIME OF APES
Totally insane Japanese PLANET OF THE APES rip-off tv show edited down from 20-some episodes to a somewhat incoherent 90 minute movie. Two kids and a researcher get frozen in a lab accident and wake up on a planet of apes who drive 70s muscle cars. LARGE portions of the show's middle are completely excised and only referred to in passing. Makes the horrendous 70s RETURN TO THE PLANET OF THE APES cartoon appear Shakesperian by comparison. (Buy at Amazon)

Look for complete report on yesterday's APE-Fest to come!

SUMMER OF ACTION! -- If I Press Any Harder It's Gonna Break

2011-07-10T08:00:00.000-04:00

Earlier in this SUMMER OF ACTION! I reviewed Walter Hill's underrated 2002 prison boxing thriller UNDISPUTED (Buy at Amazon) starring Wesley Snipes as an inmate pugilist and Ving Rhames as a thinly-veiled version of Mike Tyson.

Found guilty of rape, "Iceman" Chambers (Rhames) lands behind bars and must fight against the highly-touted longtime prison champ Monroe Hutchen (Snipes). As much as I liked the flick – which sports a great supporting cast including the late Peter Falk and Michael Rooker – my biggest complaint was that while Snipes is in marvelous shape and looks like he could punch through a prison wall, Rhames comes off a bit too big and lumbering, not like a world class athlete who dominated his sport on the outside. Say what you want about Tyson, but in his prime letting him loose in the ring was like unleashing a caged tiger.

The Iceman's casting is corrected in the highly entertaining – and quite unexpected – UNDISPUTED II: LAST MAN STANDING thanks to a slightly ironic twist. Michael Jai White who played "Iceman" inspiration Mike Tyson in the made-for-tv movie TYSON steps into Rhames' shoes as the down-on-his-luck former champ struggling without a title after serving his time. A trip to Russia to film a vodka commercial lands Chambers in the middle of a frame job and faster than you can say "da svidaniya" the champ is in a craptacularly grey Russian hellhole complete with – you guessed it – a savage champ named Boyka (Scott Adkins).

But while Hutchen was a pure boxer willing to strap on the gloves and duke it out in the squared circle, Boyka is a lethal mixed martial artist, a blur of feet, knees, elbows and hands who dishes out spectacular punishment against the cons that the warden (and mobster who really runs the prison) keeps feeding him.

If you've seen any prison flicks the story progresses about how you'd expect – Chambers runs afoul of Boyka, a fight between the two becomes inevitable, prison shenanigans put the result of the fight in doubt, the aging con who emerges from hiding to train the champ, etc.

But heralded action director Isaac Florentine earns his stripes by grafting the typical "new prisoner meets prison kingpin" storyline onto a gritty, fun low-budget actioner complete with double-crosses, septic tank fights and an underground gambling storyline that reminded me a little of the excellent Thai fight-fest BANGKOK KNOCKOUT.

But the flick really belongs to the charismatic White and the spectacular Adkins. White brings a sneering "how'd I get involved in this shit?!" presence to Chambers not to mention the size AND speed to believably step in the ring with Adkins, whose turn as Boyka in this flick and the third installment has made him an action fanboy fave.

And for good reason.

UNDISPUTED II: LAST MAN STANDING (Buy at Amazon) is that rare instance – sorta like the TURBULENCE flicks I love so much – where the direct-to-video sequel is more entertaining than the bigger-budgeted, theatrically-released original. And, if the buzz is to be believed, UNDISPUTED III: REDEMPTION (Buy at Amazon) is even more entertaining than the second installment! We'll see in the days of summer ahead...

SUMMER OF ACTION! -- Flea Market Score!

2011-07-09T13:27:00.003-04:00

Just back from the local 4H Hoedown and Flea Market where my gut told me I'd find some good men's adventure fare to chow down on this summer.

By the end of our loop my bag of goodies was as bizarre as my Netflix queue, with a half-dozen Disney and Barbie VHS tapes rubbing up against a crew of one-eyed mercs, half-man half-robot cops and various other men of action.

Here's what I scored along the way...

Destroyer#84: Ground Zero -- Can Remo and Chiun stop the Crash of the 90s from ending with a big bang?
They Call Me The Mercenary #15: The Afghanistan Penetration -- A simple rescue is turning into much more than one-eyed merc captain Hank Frost bargained for – and maybe more than he can handle! (Written by Axel Kilgore... I'm thinking that's a pen name.)
Steele #5: Renegade Steele -- He's the perfect combination of man and machine. Armed with the firepower of a high-tech army.
The Guardians #13: Devil's Deal -- World War III is over... and the ultimate battle for control has begun
The Guardians #14: Death from Above -- America's last line of defense against world domination by the Federated States of Europe.
Stony Man #16: Deep Alert -- Nuclear terror strikes from the sea.
Able Team #19: Ironman -- Carl Lyons explodes into action in a Central American showdown. (Includes a chance for me to Gear-Up for Adventure and win a 1986 Jeep CJ)
Nick Carter #185: The Algarve Affair -- Agent N3 takes on a dope ring... a Soviet dope ring!

SUMMER OF ACTION! -- A Savage Beauty Holds the Key to World Survival

2011-07-09T10:00:00.001-04:00

Sometimes the Trap Catches the Trapper

SERIES: Nick Carter, Killmaster
VOLUME/TITLE: #31/Macao
AUTHOR: Manning Lee Stokes
PUBLISHER: Award Books
YEAR: 1968
OPENING LINES: London sweltered. It was the last week of July and for days now the thermometer had been bushing near to eighty. In Britain that is hot and it was only natural that the consumption of beer, mild and bitter, and nut brown ale should increase in direct ration to the degree Fahrenheit.
CLOSING LINES: He went back to the booth where Miss Benita Dawson, of Fort Wayne, Indiana, was waiting for him.

Nick Carter, Killmaster, was not the first American attempt to emulate the trademark spy adventures of Ian Fleming's creation James Bond 007, but if NICK CARTER, KILLMASTER #31: Macao is any indication, it may be one of the best. At least in terms of hitting all the right notes.

Carter – Agent N3 of AXE, a super secret and lethal spy agency of the United States – is a suave ladies man who is vacationing in London when he comes to the "rescue" of the out-of-control Princess de Gama, a Portugese beauty with a dark secret in her past that she medicates with drugs, booze and the attention of the opposite sex. Or, as AXE chief David Hawk puts it, "she is an international tramp with an appetite for booze and drugs and not much else". Meow!

Pretty soon Carter's act of chivalry finds him mixed up in a pornographic blackmail plot turned into a grisly murder scene, complete with a mutilated corpse whose mouth is stuffed with its own genitals. Seizing the opportunity to put the pretty princess to work for Uncle Sam, Hawk sends Carter and her to Macao on a mission to trap Colonel Chun Li, head of Chinese Counter-Intelligence.

Did I mention that Chun Li has set out a trap to capture Carter in order to put his own nefarious scheme into motion?

By the time Macao came out in 1968 the series most definitely out-Bonded James Bond to paraphrase a popular Killmaster series cover blurb of the day. Fleming was dead and any original Bond books from his pen were kaput. The film series had slowly but surely detoured away from the more espionage-oriented books into the somewhat cartoonish villainy of films like THUNDERBALL and YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE. Fans of Fleming's original novels could take solace in the world of the Killmaster complete with its super secret government agency and a gruff but fatherly boss who looked upon his deadliest agent as more than just a government assassin. (Other books in the series would further complete the bizarro Bond comparison thanks to a flirty secretary for Hawk and a Q-ish tech expert named Poindexter of all things.)

If you've read even one of Fleming's 007 novels you'll probably find yourself enjoying Macao much like I did – as a cut-rate Bond effort, right down to the hilarious description of a disguised Carter (whose cover image looks like a young Robert Wagner as pointed out by card-carrying Man of Action John Grace) pretending to be a nose-picking, cross-eyed coolie who shouts "No sabby. Want Hong Kong dolla now!" at a clerk he's just about to karate chop into submission. (I couldn't help but recall a giant, paunchy Sean Connery trying to pass for a Japanese fisherman in the unintentionally hilarious YOLT.)

The storyline globe hops in typical Bond fashion, our hero and heroine find themselves chained naked in a basement dungeon awaiting a fate worse than death, the villain gladly shares his evil scheme with a chained Carter, and there's a shifty ally who were never quite sure we can trust.

Unlike SWAG and THE CHAMELEON, the KILLMASTER series would prove to be one of the most durable and long-running of the men's action series. Dragon Slay, the 261st (!) Nick Carter adventure was published in 1990. We'll be back with more Nick Carter coverage as the Summer of ACTION! continues.

SUMMER OF ACTION! -- I Am A Tourist

2011-07-06T18:57:00.010-04:00

Where Survival is the Game, Swag Makes the Rules.

SERIES: Swag
VOLUME/TITLE: #1/Swag Town
AUTHOR: L.S. Riker
PUBLISHER: St. Martin's Paperbacks
YEAR: 1992
OPENING LINES: This is the way it happened. Eight hundred banks failed that year. The Japanese traded in their T-bills for francs and headed for Europe's Common Market. A loaf of white bread cost three dollars, and unemployment was over eighteen percent. A Republican was in the White House. Then came the war...
CLOSING LINES: "Huh," came the reply. "I thought you was a tourist. Must have been the shirt."

Of the half-dozen or more men's adventure novels, comics and eBooks I've read so far, SWAG #1: Swag Town definitely has the most intriguing concept. The United States has fallen victim to economic terrorism through a small-scale war conducted with assassins' bullets and a flood of foreign currency. By the time the "war" is over, the haves had fled to Europe and the shelter of their foreign bank accounts. The have nots have been left behind, old scores are being settled and payback – as you may have heard – is a bitch.

While the rest of America struggles under the belief that things will somehow be as they once were, New York City has become a playground for loads of skeevy Eurotrash and foreign jet-setters, a bustling center of commerce where anything – and everyone, it seems – is for sale.

Into the midst of this post-financial-apocalypse comes Swag, a former NYC detective who was shoved off the force in the aftermath of a bungled high-profile case. Swag – whose nickname is a mean-spirited joke and whose real name we never discover – is now forced to play bodyguard for the rich jet-setters who come in to the city and use their foreign cash to go on extended shopping sprees. But when one of Swag's clients gets blown away in a brazen, broad daylight hit the ex-cop wants answers... like who would want the pretty blonde dead so bad and what kind of hired trigger has Kevlar implanted under his skin?

Author LS Riker keeps the story moving as Swag drifts through the NYC underground – and briefly into Jersey – encountering low-lifes, mobsters, gun experts, hustlers, government men, ambitious bodyguards and a bevy of almost-indestructable killers who insist they are simply tourists. Even when they're trying to blow our hero's head off.

Swag Town seems more ambitious that your typical action novel of the era. Riker's NYC is familiar enough that you recognize it but just scary enough that you'd never, ever want to go there. Jam-packed with colorful characters and inter-weaving, overlapping plotlines, it requires a bit more attention on the reader's part than, say, the blast 'em all heroics of Mack Bolan – more than once I found myself doubling back to make sure I was making the right connections. Better than that, it never quite went where my expectations were leading me, which kept the novel full of surprises from the financial war start to the action-packed finale.

Swag also stands out as a character, because unlike Bolan, Remo Williams, Nick Carter or other heroes of these pulp adventures he has no special training aside from his time as a cop and he is most decidedly human and vulnerable. On more than one occasion our hero finds himself in an impossible scrape, only to have his ass pulled from the fire by a character who may be a friend, a foe or even a little bit of both.

Unfortunately, the Swag series only lasted for two more books: a Most Dangerous Game riff called Full Clip (1992) and the "more powerful than crack"-fueled revenge tale Kill Crazy (1993). Frankly, I think Danny McBride should get himself in shape and option the Swag novels for his own action franchise. For some reason I kept picturing a blend of Kenny Powers and a MARKED FOR DEATH-era Steven Seagal as the Hawaiian-shirt sporting, pistol packing bodyguard hero of the novel.

SUMMER OF ACTION! -- For Those Who Came In Late

2011-06-27T20:25:00.006-04:00

When I was growing up, one of my favorite daily activities was the time I spent reading the newspaper comic strip adventures of Lee Falk's iconic action hero The Phantom. Though this activity took all of about 30 seconds I can still recall the thrill that came with flipping to the comic section and drinking in the panels that made up his latest exploits.

Also known as "The Ghost Who Walks", The Phantom was a masked, seemingly-immortal jungle protector who lived in a skull-shaped cave in the country of Bengalla, had a trained wolf named Devil and even found time to romance the beautiful Diana Palmer while he was fighting poachers, criminals and modern-day pirates. How cool is that?

As it turned out, The Phantom wasn't immortal at all but the latest in a long line of masked heroes descended from Christopher Walker, a young boy whose father had been killed in 1536 by pirates during an attack on the high seas. The stories I read as a kid focused on Kit Walker, the 21st Phantom, and were still written by Falk, who worked on the strip up until his death in 1999.

Though my local daily doesn't carry the strip – nor do I get the paper on a daily basis – I was happy to see that the strip still runs in some papers. Unfortunately, I doubt there's a ten-year-old out there who is chowing down on bowls of King Vitaman while he reads and re-reads The Phantom as I was doing at that age. (I can't remember 99% of what I "learned" in college but can still recall the 1978 wedding of Diana and The Phantom – attended by Falk creation Mandrake the Magician! – and the birth of twins Kit and Heloise about a year later.)

Along with the Adam West version of Batman, Falk's creation was my first real exposure to the world of "superheroes". And while neither character has any super powers, the two masked crimefighters kicked as much ass as any son of Krypton.

So you can imagine my excitement when the 1990s brought news that Hollywood was bringing the purple-clad hero's exploits to the big screen. It didn't take long for me to discover that the project was likely doomed before it began – attempts to talk the project up with co-workers were largely met with with blank stares, a disinterested "who?" or the mistaken (and somewhat embarrassing) notion that I was super excited about a Phantom of the Opera movie.

Sigh.

In the rush to plunder the vaults for ready-made heroes, Hollywood had set their sites on the 1930s and 40s. And why not? There was plenty of material to draw inspiration from – including art deco sets, eye-catching cars, snappy clothes and villains simply dripping with WWII-era evil.

Warren Beatty's ill-advised DICK TRACY (1990) had started the ball rolling and though the square-jawed cop was another of my boyhood faves, even I was embarrassed by the end result. As well as the t-shirt I had to wear as my ticket to the midnight premiere.

A year later THE ROCKETEER gave it a shot. In the process, the filmmakers reinvented Hollywood, scrubbed Dave Stevens' comic clean, and turned Timothy Dalton into the lamest villain since Snidely Whiplash. Hey, at least we got to look at Jennifer Connolly. Oh, I mean Jennifer Connolly's boobs.

1994's THE SHADOW was another depressing strike for pulp/comic genre cinema, offering up a miscast Alec Baldwin, the shrieking Penelope Anne Miller and a hopelessly hammy Tim Curry (these days far better cast as voice talent in direct-to-video Scooby-Doo animated movies).

By 1996 THE PHANTOM was ready for his closeup – and while it fares slightly better than the aforementioned efforts I might just feel that way because I genuinely love the character.

Though it seems to be aimed at kids and families (yet is laced with more swear words than I'd be comfortable with my 4-year-old daughter hearing), THE PHANTOM is like an inbred retread of the Indiana Jones saga. In other words, there are lots of jungle chases, jungle natives, evil pillagers, power-hungry madmen and escapes from "certain death" that are supposed to remind us of cliffhanger serials. Unfortunately, I'm probably the last generation that has any concept of the serial adventure.

Watching the film again last night – and desperately hoping that I had somehow misjudged it all those years ago – sorta made me mad at what a blown opportunity the film is. Billy Zane is perfectly cast as the titular hero and to his credit had bulked up to play a jungle avenger in a skintight purple costume. While we have yet to see a Dark Knight who could truly wear the Batman costume, Zane is ripped and his dedication to playing the character shows. (Stories at the time of production had Bruce Campbell in consideration for the role but Zane, a fan of the comic, not only won the producers over but largely nails the character. Frankly, I think he would have made a great Batman.)

Unfortunately, the creators of the cinematic version of THE PHANTOM forgot a couple of key ingredients from both the character's comic roots and the Indiana Jones recipe. (Ironically, the flick was the last written by INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE scribe Jeffrey Boam.) Namely, a hero (and villains) that we have some interest in... and would it kill you to have a good storyline while you're at it?

Zane may be charming and heroic but Kristy Swanson is a bland, forgettable Diana Palmer and James Remar should be thankful that Treat Williams is aboard to wrestle the Shameless Overactor of 1996 crown away from him thanks to his mustache-twisting turn as evil industrialist Xander Drax (yaaaawwwwnnnn). Attempts to shove in too many storylines from the Falk archives make the whole thing feel crowded and the likes of a pre-stardom Catherine Zeta-Jones as the Pussy Galore-esque bi-sexual (?) leader of an all-girl squadron of pilots feel grafted on despite its roots in the source material.

I would love to love THE PHANTOM. Hell, I'd love to like THE PHANTOM. But the whole thing feels like little more than some film version of a live action stunt show or a ride at a Florida amusement park. I want to see The Ghost Who Walks get the proper treatment as much as any genre character and if SyFy's recent attempt to relaunch the character with some emo kid in a hoodie who wears a suit that makes him faster and stronger is any indication, I may be waiting a long, long time.

SUMMER OF ACTION! -- The Iceman Cometh

2011-06-23T07:54:00.004-04:00

"In the end, everybody gets beaten. The most you can hope for is that you stay on top a while. Be the best."

Ving Rhames (PULP FICTION, Vanessa Williams' Radio Shack commercial hubbie) stars in UNDISPUTED (Buy at Amazon) as James "The Iceman" Chambers, an undefeated heavyweight boxing champ serving time for rape. Sound familiar?

Wesley Snipes (BLADE, ART OF WAR) is Monroe Hutchens, serving a life sentence for a murder committed in the heat of passion (naturally). A highly-regarded fighter while on the outside, Hutchens has taken advantage of the prison's boxing program and hasn't lost a fight in the decade that he's been in the joint.

Sent to the same prison where Hutchens reigns supreme, The Iceman quickly tries to establish his dominance through violence and intimidation. When the wheels of the system get set in motion, a battle between Hutchens and The Iceman is inevitable. And to Hill's credit, the inevitable winner isn't a forgone conclusion.

It's too bad that they couldn't have cast The Iceman role with somebody more athletic or believable than Rhames. While he's certainly an imposing presence, he comes off as big and lumbering, not an athlete who dominates his sport on the outside. (This was corrected in the highly entertaining sequel UNDISPUTED II: LAST MAN STANDING in which Michael Jai White replaces Rhames.) Snipes, on the other hand, is in marvelous shape (big surprise) and gives his character more humanity, poise and depth than was probably needed.

Unfortunately, writer/director Walter Hill's prison/boxing hybrid was in and out of theaters in a flash and got lost in the 2002 event flick shuffle. Not that it's anything great like Hill's EXTREME PREJUDICE, but it certainly wasn't deserving of this fate.

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the low-budget franchise continued with 2006's UNDISPUTED II: LAST MAN STANDING and the highly regarded UNDISPUTED III: REDEMPTION (2010), both directed by Isaac Florentine. Look for coverage of both sequels coming up during ER's Summer of ACTION!

Summer of ACTION! -- The Chameleon is Mad as Hell!

2011-06-22T16:56:00.014-04:00

Like You, He's Mad As Hell And Not Gonna Take It Anymore!

SERIES: The Chameleon
VOLUME/TITLE: #1/The Wrath of Garde
AUTHOR: Jerry LaPlante
PUBLISHER: Zebra
YEAR: 1979
OPENING LINES: The rock passage was closing in. Off to the left, it tapered into a thin vanishing crack. My fingertips reached no more than a foot from my prone body before they wedged into solid mountain.
CLOSING LINES: "Balls." I bent over, holding mine in agony.

When I was a kid I'd usually accompany my Mom when she would go grocery shopping or make a trip to the Moorestown Mall (at that time the bastard stepchild of area malls). Since it was the late 1970s/early 1980s and nobody seemed really aware of things like child abduction and milk carton "missing" pics she'd usually drop me off in the book and magazine section while she went off to double- and triple-coupon the store into the red.

When we went to K-Mart or Pathmark I frequently found myself thumbing through the tie-ins for horror flicks like THE OMEN or AUDREY ROSE – stuff I wasn't allowed to see but could piece together in my mind thanks to "16 pages of black and white photos!". For any of you kids reading out there, trust me, the movie you make in your mind is probably gonna be waaaayyy better than whatever the filmmakers dish out.

But my favorite place was the little independent bookstore that sat at the end of a sad little branch of the Moorestown Mall. It might have been called Moorestown Books, though I can't be sure. What I do remember was that they had row upon row upon row of the men's adventure novels of the day... from hair-raising spy sagas featuring Nick Carter, Mack Bolan and Remo Williams to "sexy" adult westerns featuring Longarm. (I also seem to remember that there was a Roy Rogers across from it.)

These books were like forbidden fruit. For some reason my folks would never let me buy them, even though I'd burned through pretty much every James Bond book two or three times. I suppose the frequently lurid covers didn't help (not to mention double entendre-packed names like "Longarm"!) and, unlike the 007 novels, didn't come with my brother-in-law's stamp of approval.

And so, I'd stand there flipping through the latest from Killmaster, Executioner or Destroyer, always on the alert for my Mom. She'd already installed household bans on KISS and PLANET OF THE APES and I didn't want to queer the deal on my bookstore dalliances.

These days, venturing out to a used book sale is like being that 12-year-old kid again – except this time I get to buy whatever the hell I want! Like CHAMELEON #1: The Wrath of Garde (Buy at Amazon), which I grabbed immediately upon spotting it on a table littered with more popular examples of mass market literature.

Were James Bond to head up Q division the resulting hero might be something like Vance Garde, a "mild-mannered, scientific engineering genius" who uses his brains and the resources of his firm to, well, not so much fight crime as exact revenge against those who he feels have wronged him and/or his family.

Garde leaps into action when his young stepsister Sharon dies of a drug overdose thanks to a low-rent dealer nicknamed "The Oregano Kid". Spurred on to "don't get mad... get even", Garde creates a division known as VIBES (Vindication against Injustice, Bureaucracy and Ensconced Stupidity) and enlists the help of the beautiful Ballou Annis to ferret out the upper rungs of the drug pushing ladder that killed Sharon. Along the way he uncovers clues to the identity of his father's murderer, experiences multiple bouts of blue balls with Ms. Annis, and dispenses with more than one villain in colorful fashion that would make James Bond blush.

Little more than "Bond Lite" with more graphic sex and rougher violence, The Wrath of Garde is a breezy read thanks to Zebra's typically easy on the eyes font size and the check-your-brain-at-the-door plotline. You'll figure out most of the twists and turns long before the "brilliant" Garde but you won't hate yourself for going along for the ride.

The cover copy and art might actually be more entertaining than the book itself. The artist's rendition of Garde (resplendent in white jacket and burgundy turtleneck!) appears to clearly be based on a young Tony Curtis, though my wife suggested that there might be a little MANNIX-era Mike "Touch" Connors in there as well. As for the sheet-covered Ms. Annis? Sure looks like Elizabeth Taylor to me.

More challenging than figuring out the reference art is deciphering the cornucopia of pop culture references used to sell the reader on the book, not to mention the most perplexing of all questions: Why the hell is this series called The Chameleon?!

Both The Incredible Hulk (?!) and James Bond get name checked on the back cover copy while there's even a reference to NETWORK's Howard Beale ("Like You, He's Mad As Hell And Not Gonna Take It Anymore!") that appears atop all three books in the series. The colorful "Chameleon" logo is prominently displayed all over the covers despite the fact that – as Marty McKee keenly points out at his blog Johnny LaRue's Crane Shot – "[he] isn't a master of disguise or a cat burglar or anything like that".

Alas, the adventures of Vance Garde and Annis Ballou never really caught on and the series ended after two more books – In Garde We Trust (Buy at Amazon) and Garde Save The World (Buy at Amazon).

Welcome to ER's Summer of ACTION!

2011-06-21T17:29:00.009-04:00

It's official! Summer 2011 is finally here and with it comes The Exploitation Retrospect Summer of ACTION!

"Why action?", you may be asking yourself. (I know my wife was.)

The simple answer is that I like focus. I like tasks. I like themes. I like direction. Every morning I make a "To Do" list. It gives me a sense of purpose for my day and a feeling of accomplishment when I look back and see that I was able to scratch out things like ~~"Safeway?"~~ and ~~"Thank You Notes"~~. It only gets a little sad when I write down things after I've done them just so I can scratch them out.

Okay, that's a lot sad. But you get the idea.

So as the winter turned to spring and I found myself emerging from my annual work cocoon, I looked around and started thinking about what kind of project I could embrace for the long, hot summer months ahead.

Friends like the staff at RIGOR MORTIS had their zombies while WP Tandy was knee deep in Hon-troversy and all things Baltimore. David Zuzelo could be found juggling everything from life in the Pyuniverse and B-Side Barbarians to Casual (Un)Dress Fridays and Joe D'Amato's excursions into porn. Even Bruce Holecheck – who I've been trying to pry a review of AMERICAN PUNKS from for about five years – has been a veritable blogging machine of late, detailing the VHS offerings from labels like Mogul and IVC.

And while I usually devote the month of October to all things horror (under our 31 Days of Fright banner), I wanted something less challenging and more check-your-brain-at-the-door for days when I'm sitting on the beach, the hot sun pounding on my melon as I pass the hours till I can crack a cold brew and slake the mighty thirst that's been building.

Frankly, it didn't take long for the Summer of ACTION! to take shape. In early spring I found myself browsing the tables at a local used book sale. After becoming indignant at the insane prices being charged for the graphic novels and ephemera the sale staff now deemed "collectible" I wandered to the mass market paperbacks relegated to the rows of tables pushed against the back wall. Where last year's table featured what must have been someone's mighty mystery collection, this year saw pockets of men's adventure peeking out between the ubiquitous volumes of King, Ellroy and Clancy.

Without even trying I found my bag overflowing with characters both familiar (The Executioner, The Destroyer) and unknown (Chameleon, Swag) as well as one-shots featuring everything from vigilantes to a 3-year-old girl wired to explode if the right team doesn't win Game 7 of The World Series. (I suppose that's one way to make baseball interesting!)

Not long after that I took an April trip to North Carolina for an awesome weekend of ass-kickery, bounty hunters, samurai and fire walks at ActionFest and it became apparent that the junk culture gods were trying to tell me something – action was my future.

Which is how we got here. From now till Friday, September 23rd ER will be celebrating all things ACTION! – from television shows and comics to books and movies. From exploding huts and Eurospys to loner cops, costumed heroes and the men (and women) they pushed... too far.

We're always happy to hear from readers and fellow bloggers... we welcome your feedback and comments. And if you've got an idea for a guest post don't hesitate to e-mail me!

Lucio Fulci's NEW YORK RIPPER (1982)

2011-06-14T11:21:00.003-04:00

I hadn't watched Lucio Fulci's NEW YORK RIPPER in about 25 years. (Which pains me to write not just because that's too damn long between viewings but also because it reminds me how old I'm getting!) But after a recent discussion with some pals about favorite Fulci flicks and giallos I realized I was long overdue for a reappraisal and – thanks to Netflix's instant streaming service – could watch the widescreen print in the cozy confines of my office. Do we live in a great world or what?

RIPPER opens in memorable fashion with a man and his dog walking along the New York riverbank – playing a game of "fetch" that's just waiting to turn ugly in the Spaghetti Splatter maestro's hands. Sure enough it's not long before the pooch has retrieved a grotesque, moldy, decaying hand from the underbrush and brought it to his master's attention.

And "FREEZE!" as Fulci displays the credits over the rotting piece of human garbage dangling from the canine's mouth. It's a directorial and editing flourish that seems particularly fitting since RIPPER paints a grimy and gross portrait of New York City in its pre-Disneyfication days of the early 1980s. Neon lights pulsate as they hawk sex shows and the last gasp of grindhouse horror, action and exploitation as Lt. Fred Williams (Jack Hedley) deals with the bodies that are piling up thanks to the duck-voiced "Ripper" who is slashing and mutilating the bodies of beautiful women and leaving them strewn about the city like garbage.

With few leads at his disposal and pressure coming from the Chief (director Fulci in a pleasant cameo) the police turn to Dr. Paul Davis (HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY's Paolo Malco) in the hope that he can help profile the killer and narrow the search. When Olympic hopeful (?!) Fay Majors (Almanta Keller) survives an attack by the killer she puts cops on the trail of a deformed Times Square gigolo named Mickey Scellenda (Howard Ross) who has been seen with more than one of the Ripper's intended victims.

Experienced giallo watchers will be quick to figure out that Scellenda – while a perfect suspect thanks to his predator's eyes and rough manner – isn't Williams' man, which puts the cops and the viewer back at square one. Despite having watched the film 20+ years ago I still found myself second, third and fourth guessing my choice of killer, not unlike my first viewing back when RIPPER came out on VHS via Vidmark all those years ago.

Though I initially left RIPPER off my list of Top 5 Fulci Flicks, my recent viewing is causing me to seriously reassess my choices. Quite frankly, while I love GATES OF HELL for its "Fulci Highlight Reel" feel and THE BEYOND never fails to creep me out while it entertains, NEW YORK RIPPER represents the best of both worlds of the Splatter Maestro.

Visually, it's Fulci at his most restrained, keeping the trademark Fulci Zoom largely in check and using the colorful New York City locations to full effect. Storywise, the tale of the quacking Ripper is a giallo classic, as we're served up a rich stew of suspects, clues and red herrings... all of which kept me guessing right till the end. And, if it's sleaze you want, Fulci never flinches – whether it's a live nude sex show turning on a slumming rich broad (who also gets "toed" in one of the flick's most harrowing scenes), close-up scenes of the Ripper plying his trade on the body of a beautiful victim, or a bloody conclusion that puts an exclamation point on Fulci's horror career.

NEW YORK RIPPER was the end of an impressive five-year run that also includes THE PSYCHIC, CONTRABAND, ZOMBIE, GATES OF HELL, THE BEYOND and HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY. Though flicks like MANHATTAN BABY, CONQUEST, MURDER ROCK and THE NEW GLADIATORS would follow, none – for me, at least – would reach the same dizzying heights of his late 70s/early 80s output than ends with RIPPER.

Do yourself a favor and check out the widescreen version currently available on disc or streaming at Netflix. It's like seeing the film for the first time all over again!

Dario Argento's DO YOU LIKE HITCHCOCK? (2005)

2011-06-13T07:28:00.003-04:00

I didn't care who won the NBA championship and was too tired to read so Dario Argento's 2005 Italian tv movie DO YOU LIKE HITCHCOCK? felt like just the thing to end my weekend. 90 minutes long and billed as just the kind of "no heavy lifting" genre fare I needed, plus as a Hitchcock fan I was intrigued by what Dario would do with the concept. Hopefully he wouldn't simply trot out the nods to the classics that we've seen ad nauseum.

Ooops.

After a short pre-credit sequence in which young Giulio follows two suspicious chicks into the woods only to witness them sacrifice a chicken and then chase him the scene shifts to then-present-day 2005 where grown-up Giulio (Elio Germano) is a film student with an impossibly cute girlfriend (Spanish actress Cristina Brondo), a video store around the corner and an apartment whose giant windows look out onto the flat of Sasha (Elisabetta Rocchetti), a curvy brunette who likes to admire her form in the mirror... while Giulio stands in the window watching her through his binoculars.

When he's not amateurishly smoking pot and watching German expressionism for his upcoming exams and papers, Giulio continues spying on his neighbors across the way, getting an eyeful of everything from bossy perfectionists to card cheats. But it's the volatile relationship between Sasha and her widowed mom that catches his eyes – and ears – most. The two shout, scream, throw things and generally annoy each another, and you wonder when, not if, one of them will turn up dead.

It isn't long before Sasha's mother gets her head gorily bashed in by an intruder while Giulio sleeps and the alibied Sasha parties with friends. The film buff/stalker turned detective begins to wonder if Hitchcock's STRANGERS ON A TRAIN (in which two travelers meet and talk about exchanging murders) is being played out in real life. Could Sasha – who recently struck up a friendship with sexy blonde Federica (Chiara Conti) over the classic thriller – be plotting to swap murders in that film's "criss-cross" fashion?

What follows feels like the low-budget tv movie that it is – not something you'd expect from the man who helmed the intricately-plotted likes of FOUR FLIES ON GREY VELVET, CAT O' NINE TALES, BIRD WITH THE CRYTSAL PLUMAGE, TENEBRAE, OPERA and other hallmarks of the giallo genre. Unfortunately, it's just the kind of thing one might expect from the director of the wretched THE CARD PLAYER (hyped throughout on poster's in the video store shop the main characters haunt).

Argento mainly tries to conjure REAR WINDOW and STRANGERS – two of Hitchcock's masterpieces – but largely comes up flat (there are also nods to DIAL M FOR MURDER, SABOTEUR and PSYCHO). Giulio never comes off like a sympathetic everyman caught up in the plot's twists and turns a la Cary Grant or Jimmy Stewart – he's really just an annoying peeping tom and it's hard to root for him, even when he's hobbled and rushing to avoid being caught by a hulking blackmailer who wants to rip off his head. Character motivations come out of left field when convenient while "twists" are largely absent. In fact, HITCHCOCK plays out quite predictably and Argento, once a master at wringing suspense from a scenario, rarely succeeds in creating any kind of tension even when serving up classic genre tropes.

Frankly, I was less concerned with whether or not the killer or killers would get away/get Giulio than I was with whether or not Brondo would take her top off again.

That said, DO YOU LIKE HITCHCOCK? succeeds in being more watchable than the dreadful THE CARD PLAYER and less insulting than the forgettable THE MOTHER OF TEARS, so I suppose it has that in its favor. Again, no heavy lifting is required and you'll identify all the major culprits within moments of their on-screen appearance. Like the mystery movies of the week I watched as a kid it's the perfect Sunday nightcap after a busy weekend.

Buy or rent DO YOU LIKE HITCHCOCK? at Amazon.

DAMNED TO DARKNESS: A Terry Sharp Blog

2011-06-09T12:58:00.004-04:00

If you're reading this blog you should be well acquainted with Terry Sharp whose adventures are a cross between "The Saint and Curse of the Demon" in the words of co-creator Adrian Salmon.

Written by Robert Tinnell and illustrated by Salmon, Sharp's 2005 adventure THE FACELESS left this fan wanting more. Now you can follow the latest news as the duo prep Sharp's next adventure... just head on over to DAMNED TO DARKNESS for all the Terry Sharp news that's fit to print.

And if you don't already have a copy of THE FACELESS, well, shame on you and head to Amazon now!

Ever Wanted to Help Finance a Low-Budget Indie Horror Flick?

2011-06-06T23:08:00.003-04:00

I'm fascinated by Kickstarter. So far I've chipped in money for documentaries about The Replacements, an arcade in NY and Tower Records. But I haven't dipped in my pocket for any non-documentaries. Yet.

MY CASTLE – described as a "dark, gritty, mind-bending horror story" – caught my eye, especially when they dropped a reference to "Michele Soavi" as one of their influences.

CINEMA ARCANA: The VHS Archives

2011-06-06T22:19:00.003-04:00

Though I love the convenience of things like Redbox and Netflix (especially the latter's streaming service, which can keep me glued to the tv all night), I miss the thrill of spending hours milling about a video store. Drinking in the often-outrageous box art, wondering how some of the copy made it past a proofreader (there had to be one, right?), trying to decide if this was just another crappy retitling of a crappy horror (or action or sexploitation) flick I'd already seen.

Good times, good times.

While finding those off-the-beaten path video stores is largely a thing of the past it's good to know dedicated nuts like our pal Bruce Holecheck are keeping the spirit of trashy, low-budget VHS alive. Bruce's newest project at his excellent Cinema Arcana blog is The VHS Archives, a label-by-label attempt to catalog some of the less-heralded and more insane VHS labels from days gone by.

The first label to get examined is MOGUL (and its offshoots) and the project already includes a handful of entries, complete with box art, verbatim copy and – where possible – Holecheck's insights into the flick itself (like CONQUEROR OF THE WORLD).

Check it out!

Happy Birthday Peter Cushing!

2011-05-26T11:30:00.003-04:00

It's quite the time of year for birthdays involving veteran horror stars. As I mentioned in an earlier post Vincent Price's centennial is currently being celebrated in St. Louis and the great Christopher Lee celebrates his birthday tomorrow, too.

But today we take a moment to remember the one and only Peter Cushing, one of the greatest actors to ever grace the horror genre. I grew up watching Cushing and Lee – as Van Helsing and that cursed Count Dracula – match wits and battle it out on many a Saturday afternoon. But it took years for me to catch up with his truly spectacular work as Dr. Frankenstein in Hammer's impressive cycle of flicks devoted to the not-so-good doc and his attempts to cheat death.

In fact, I finally sat down and caught up with the whole cycle (well, almost) on DVD and wrote about it for the pages of the ER website. The beginning of that article – 'What a Monster! A Spin Through Hammer's Frankenstein Cycle' – is excerpted below. (To read the whole article simply click the "Continue Reading" link at the end of the post.)

As a kid growing up in the 1970s, many Saturday afternoons were spent frittered away in front of the tube digging on the latest offerings from that groovy ghoul Doctor Shock. His 'Creature Double Feature' was a pivotal, damaging influence on my young brain, just waiting to infect me with its delightful blend of gallows humor and D-grade schlock.

For whatever reason, my adolescent psyche had some sort of Frankenstein flick aversion. Not all Frankenstein flicks mind you. I'd watched countless encounters with the Universal variety of the blockheaded monster through the years, especially its meetings with Abbott and Costello.

But when I'd scan the weekly listings and spot one of the entries from the Hammer Films cycle of Frankenstein flicks, I'd mentally begin making plans for those couple hours. Why? Who knows? I loved the Hammer cycle of Dracula flicks, eating up every encounter between Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. Living for that moment in HORROR OF DRACULA when Van Helsing throws back the curtains, exposing the evil vampire to the deadly rays of the sun.

Perhaps I projected my boredom with the Universal cycle – a simmering contempt surely bred out of familiarity – that made me ask, "Why the hell would I want to watch another Frankenstein movie?"

With three decades of trash viewing under my belt, I had successfully avoided each and every one of the Hammer Frankenstein flicks like an episode of 'The Golden Girls.' Sure, I'd seen just about every frickin piece of Z-Grade straight-to-video trash that Full Moon Pictures could offer, but I hadn't seen anything more than the briefest clip of Peter Cushing as the bad doctor.

During a recent vacation I started reading Profoundly Disturbing, the latest book from drive-in movie critic Joe Bob Briggs. Though a touch more scholarly than I was expecting from the man who brought the world Rhett Beaver and the "blood, beasts and breasts" drive-in rating system, the chapter on CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN – the first flick in the cycle and the movie that defined Hammer as a house of horror – made me think I might be missing something.

Thanks to the wonders of DVD I was able to sit down recently and groove on five of the seven flicks in the cycle: CURSE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1957), REVENGE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1958), FRANKENSTEIN CREATED WOMAN (1967), FRANKENSTEIN MUST BE DESTROYED (1969) and FRANKENSTEIN AND THE MONSTER FROM HELL (1974). I passed on EVIL OF FRANKENSTEIN (1964) due to its unavailability on DVD (and the whisperings from some trusted sources that it pandered to Universal) and HORROR OF FRANKENSTEIN (1970) because it doesn't star Cushing.

CURSE – directed by Terence Fisher with a script by Jimmy Sangster – lays the groundwork for the series and immediately establishes it as something far, far different than the Universal flicks. Rendered in flashback, the flick tells how Baron Victor Frankenstein (Cushing) studies – and eventually surpasses – his mentor Paul Krempe (Robert Urquhart). After reanimating a dog Victor's itching to build a man and bring him to life while Paul's not so sure this is how they should be spending their time. The arrival of a pre-arranged fiance (Hazel Court) tosses a monkey wrench in Victor's maid-banging activities and creates the necessary tension between Victor and Paul as well as a dull love triangle of sorts.

Auction Adventures with Vincent Price

2011-05-26T07:04:00.003-04:00

The Vincentennial – the 100th birthday celebration of the life of actor Vincent Price – is going on in St. Louis through May 28th. In addition to screenings of some of the actor's major works, the celebration included appearances by Price's daughter Victoria and Roger Corman, whose famous Poe adaptations featured Price in starring roles. Alas, no mention is made of Price's role as a true "celebrity chef" who toured the world with his wife Mary in search of great food and drink. The article that follows originally appeared in the pages of The Hungover Gourmet: The Journal of Food, Drink, Travel and Fun.

Regular readers of THG are well aware that my interests are pretty far flung. Besides eating, cooking, drinking, traveling, self-publishing, writing and having fun I have nearly-lifelong penchants for both movies (my first zine was the drive-in movie newsletter Exploitation Retrospect) and music (years spent as a college radio DJ and record collector will do that).

What many folks don't know about me is that I'm also a collectibles nut. Though the job of cleaning out the house my parents lived in for four decades cured me of some of my hoarding tendencies, you can't cure it all in the span of a couple weeks.

My interest in collecting started out innocently enough with things like the Hardy Boys books when I was an adolescent. Atari 2600 video games came after that. When my parents decided to have a garage sale in the early 90s I thought little of it. Until I saw that they were essentially giving away large chunks of my childhood for what I thought to be insanely low prices.

I was incredulous that you could write "50 cents" on a vintage James Bond Board Game in permanent black marker (oh Dad...) but happily filled my car with games and toys my parents were delighted to see me haul off.

Since these were the days before eBay, I found myself selling and trading the items over now-ancient bulletin boards and at toy shows set up in Holiday Inns. Success had me hooked. Sales meant money and money meant replenishing inventory, so I would spend my weekends hitting garage and yard sales, flea markets, and thrift stores.

But there was always one thing that spooked me and that was (cue dramatic music) The Auction. Dun-dun-dun-duh!

I'd seen enough bad 60s sitcoms to convince me that an auction was no place for the likes of me. An auction was where high society gathered to bid on paintings by the masters, fragile statues and furniture sat upon by the people who shaped our nation's history.

And, as any sitcom will tell you, you can't attend an auction without accidentally bidding on something because your ear itches or you have a hair in your eye. Though I'm not a twitchy individual by nature an auction just didn't seem like a good idea.

Fast forward a dozen years and you can barely keep me away from an auction. I'm not sure when the transformation occurred, but I'm pretty sure my wife had something to do with it. I'd been to an auction or two before we started dating, but they became a fun way to spend a weekend morning and I got hooked. Especially on box lots. I loves me some box lots.

So, when the postcard arrived from one of the area auction companies I frequently patronize, I gave it my usual cursory glance before sticking it up on the fridge. And then it jumped out at me... TREASURY OF GREAT RECIPES cookbook signed by Vincent Price.

For those who only know Price from his roles in William Castle flicks, Roger Corman Poe films or as the ABOMINABLE DR. PHIBES, Price was actually a renowned chef who traveled the world with Mary, his wife, eating at some of the most famous and legendary restaurants of the day.

TREASURY OF GREAT RECIPES: Famous Specialties of the World's Foremost Restaurants Adapted for the American Kitchen was the result of some of those trips. In its pages, the Prices gathered menus and recipes from a far-flung assortment of eateries in France, Italy, Holland, Scandinavia, England, Spain, Mexico and here in the USA. Trust me, this is not some moronic celebrity cookbook featuring cocktail franks and BBQ dunking sauce. (Not that I have anything against that.) It's just that when you use phrases like "celebrity chef" Vincent Price literally wrote the book.

And I wanted that book.

I'd attended an auction from the same company a week before and had come away grossly disappointed. An advertised Batman bank from 1966 (oh yeah, I currently collect vintage Batman memorabilia) was listed but never materialized and I assumed the fragile statue of The Caped Crusader had been either lost or broken.

Though bidding wasn't slated to begin until 5:00 P.M. I arrived an hour early to scope out the goods and size up the competition. Oh yeah, and eavesdrop on the chatter, which is often the most fun to be had at these things.

It was many of the same faces as the previous week but the nice weather had brought some new folks thanks to the lure of items being auctioned both inside (collectibles and furniture) and out (tools and miscellaneous). Walking around before the auction starts is often the best part since you get to hear the bitching and moaning about how there's nothing good... yet these are the same people I see week in and week out at this auction house and others. There must be some reason they attend.

While searching for the Vincent Price cookbook I overhear that some of the items, including the cookbook, are left over from an estate sale held about a year ago. The source of the item is supposedly Hans Kramm, a chef who served as a cook for Adolph Hitler and various Nazi higher-ups before he emigrated to Maryland and opened a restaurant.

Who knows how much of the stuff you overhear at a sale is on the up and up and how much is utter bullshit, but it's an interesting story nonetheless. While searching for – and finding – the book I also locate a few other lots both outside and inside that I want. Most are items targeted for resale on eBay, but last week's missing 1966 Batman bank has surfaced! It's in a box with a bunch of sellable items and I get the whole lot for my maximum bid of $15. (Note... I've never been able to part with the Batman bank, even during the current spike in popularity due to THE DARK KNIGHT. In fact, it's sitting on my desk right now.)

The bidding outside is focused on tools, so it'll be a while before they get to the bag of games and puzzles that has caught my attention. Inside I snag another box of toys – including a Kellogg's 1992 Dream Team in-store premium – for a whopping $5.

The rest of the night is spent darting from the outside of the hall to the inside, trying to calculate which will go up first – the cookbook or the bag of games and puzzles. The sun goes down and a chill sets in as they finally hit the row with the bag of games. Desperate to move along they combine it with another box of stuff – including some creepy tobaccoiana – and I walk away with everything for less than $10. (The item I thought would bring the best dough is an Avalon Hill Gettysburg Board Game which I sell on eBay for about $25.)

Outside purchase accomplished I move inside and wait and wait and wait for the cookbook. For all I know it's going to go for way more money than I can/want to pay, but something tells me this crowd couldn't care less about The Host of Haunted Hill. As they start picking items off the furniture near the book I go into my usual auction mode. In other words, my palms start to sweat and my heart begins racing like I've just spent the last 30 minutes on a treadmill.

A poker face I am not.

$40 is about my limit and I'm praying that I won't get caught up in some kind of bidding frenzy. Last time I did that it cost me $125.

In the end Vincent Price is mine, mine, all mine for $20. Almost had it for $10 but somebody jumped in at the last minute. Who cares? I love the inscription as well as the backstory (true or not) and it makes an amazing addition to my bookcase-straining cookbook collection!

Spring 2011 Update Posted!

2011-05-24T18:58:00.003-04:00

Nothing like having what was intended as the January 2011 update somehow morph into the Spring 2011 update, but hey, it happens.

We just posted 25 new reviews including: not one, not two, but three from the mighty pen (keyboard?) of David Zuzelo; Doug Waltz on sexploitation double features and bad WIP parodies; a dash of Franco; a splash of Naschy (splaschy?); made-for-tv sci-fi; shot-on-video mayhem; some Tinto Brass; and more, plus initial details on our return to print and an interview with Wildside Cinema's Brian Harris.

Check it out!

THE RUTHLESS FOUR Trailer

2011-05-10T14:40:00.002-04:00

Had a great time this past weekend when I trekked up to Philly for the Exhumed Films exFest... a 12-hour marathon of exploitation sleazery featuring seven films from seven genres. (Look for a full write-up soon.)

Alas, no Kinski but I did get to see CUT-THROATS NINE and Alain Delon's NO WAY OUT on the big screen in all their bloody glory. We did get one little dose of Kinski, though, when they showed this trailer for the excellent THE RUTHLESS FOUR before CUT-THROATS started...

April Views: ActionFest and The King of Pop

2011-05-03T07:39:00.007-04:00

Not sure how but I was able to sneak away in April for a quick trip down to Asheville, NC for a very cool weekend at ActionFest, but I'm glad I did since the flicks I saw at the festival represent 11 of the 14 flicks I saw all month!

And if you're wondering how great ActionFest is I think the pic of Michael Jai White (aka Black Dynamite) and me says it all. Look for a full write-up on ActionFest coming soon!

But on to the flick report...

SKELETON MAN: Michael Rooker and Casper Van Dien star in this low-budget riff on PREDATOR where the titular villain is actually some sort of Native American grim reaper and not an interplanetary game hunter. The perfect flick to watch while assembling furniture.

I SAW THE DEVIL: Not for the faint of heart. When a secret service agent's wife is killed by a brutal serial killer he takes a leave of absence to hunt the bludgeon-crazy monster. To say too much more would spoil this riveting and at-times gruesome thriller.

MACHETE MAIDENS UNLEASHED: The latest doc from the NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD team focuses on the Fillipino-American action-adventure flicks from the likes of Roger Corman and Co. Definitely fun but not overly revelatory.

LITTLE BIG SOLDIER: If – like me – you started finding a lot of Jackie Chan's output to be juvenile and stupid (I'm looking at you FIRST STRIKE!), this period piece is a nice return to form, with an older Chan knowing his limitations and turning them into strengths. Chan plays a reluctant soldier who just wants to turn in the enemy general he's captured for some land to farm but it certainly won't be that easy.

SUPER: James Gunn's subversive, violent and funny spin on real-life superheroes showcases Rainn Wilson as a wrench-wielding vigilante who just wants his drug addict wife (Liv Tyler) back from the clutches of an evil drug dealer/strip club owner (Kevin Bacon). Definitely a roller coaster ride with a great performance from the usually-annoying Ellen Paige. Friends tell me it's the film that KICK-ASS (which I have yet to see) should have been.

NEVER BACK DOWN 2 - THE BEAT DOWN: Action star Michael Jai White makes his directorial debut with this rousing dose of ass-kickery set in the world of MMA. White is an ex-con who helps train a bevy of college students for an upcoming underground card, only to be hassled by The Man.

BLACK DYNAMITE: Almost note-perfect homage to 70s blaxploitation features Jai White as a super pimp who springs into action after his brother gets killed. Dips its toe into broad parody on occasion but gut-bustingly funny.

BANGKOK KNOCKOUT: If you can make it through the fifteen minute "plot" set up you'll be richly rewarded with this loco blend of martial arts and HOSTEL. Once the pesky storyline gets pushed aside it's an eye-popping stunt show with lots of lives being endangered for your entertainment.

BAIL ENFORCERS: Funny and highly-entertaining low-budget actioner with former WWE starlet Trish Stratus starring as a strip club waitress who also happens to be a pistol-packing bail enforcement agent. A simple job forces Trish and her team (including the hysterical Boomer Phillips as a failed cop wannabe) into a confrontation with a mobster looking to do away with a snitch.

A LONELY PLACE TO DIE: Definitely the best "movie" of ActionFest, though NEVER BACK DOWN 2 may have been the one that most entertained me. Melissa George (TRIANGLE) stars as a mountaineer who – along with a group of friends – stumbles into a kidnapping plot of international proportions. The flick zigs and zags in unexpected directions and is packed with breathtaking scenery and stunts. Though not in the same genre, director Julien Gilbey's exhilarating flick reminded me a bit of Neil Marshall's excellent DESCENT thanks to a great cast with believable chemistry.

HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN: Disappointing Troma wannabe that wastes a good premise. Rutger Hauer just wants to buy a lawn mower and start a landscaping business, but the rampant crime in his new town causes him to buy a shotgun and clean up the streets in other ways. Has all the broad humor and over-the-top attitude of the 80s Troma output but without any of the wit or intelligence that lurked behind the trash facade of films like CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH and THE TOXIC AVENGER.

13 ASSASSINS: Takashi Miike's latest is a "let's assemble a team" mission flick set in the final days of the samurai era. In an effort to end the reign of an evil and heartless ruler, an aging samurai gathers a team of assassins to kill the sadistic ruler before he can command more power. No real surprises but it's always fun to watch the team come together and the last 45 minutes is a non-stop fightfest as the assassins and the lord's army meet.

ROCK PROPHECIES: Pretentious and unfocused rock documentary about rock photojournalist Robert Knight. Best five minutes of the film are spent with legendary rock photog Jim Marshall, who I'd much rather watch a documentary about.

MICHAEL JACKSON - THIS IS IT: A little long but interesting look at the behind-the-scenes preparations for what was to be Jackson's comeback tour. All the hits are there but it's fun watching the mega-star micro-manage the show. Makes you wish he had lived so the final product could have come together but you have to wonder if the scheduled slate of shows might not have killed him anyway as the King of Pop looks tired, slow and sorta spent by the time rehearsals are done.

RESIDENT EVIL - AFTERLIFE: The fourth in the always-entertaining series is barely about zombies this time around but who cares?! Alice and Claire reunite in Alaska then find themselves attempting to help a group of survivors who have taken refuge in a maximum security prison.

Vote for ER in the 2011 TLA Cult Awards!

2011-03-02T15:48:00.006-05:00

To say I was surprised and humbled by the announcement that the Exploitation Retrospect web site had been nominated for a 2011 TLA Cult Award is an understatement. While I could name three good pals off the top of my head who probably were more deserving of the nod, I certainly won't look a gift horse in the mouth or turn down the additional readers and maybe a few extra flicks that come our way.

The fact that the nomination is from TLACult.com – powered by TLA Video – definitely means a little more. The TLA or Theatre of the Living Arts was a Philadelphia repertory film institution when I was growing up just across the bridge in South Jersey. And even when I was still too young to catch their screenings of trash cinema and repertory classics, the venue's monthly calendar was one of the first things I grabbed when cavorting on South Street with friends.

Years later I was fortunate enough to enjoy a few screenings when the theater went through its last days as a movie house and when they eventually switched over to an all-music venue I saw the likes of Danzig, The Cramps, Goo Goo Dolls and Cheap Trick there during my days in and around the city.

But even after the theater stopped showing films in the late 80s, the TLA Video stores that had popped up around the city were frequent stops on my way to or from classes at Drexel, my apartment, a club to see a band or even while just walking around town. Few stores boasted as eclectic a selection, even when things like TOMOKO, THE SAINTLY GIRL were not quite as advertised.

So thanks TLA Video for the nod and I encourage all our readers to check out all the categories, vote for us as Best Cult/Exploitation/Horror Blog/Website and definitely spend some time exploring the other nominees in our category.

Barry's Bond Legacy

2011-02-03T10:02:00.005-05:00

I've gone through a ton of various phases in my lifetime – tennis nut, conspiracy buff, thrift store addict, hopeless Atari collector, PLANET OF THE APES-phile, you get the picture – but I'd venture that the World of James Bond was one of, if not the first, that I really immersed myself in.

My brother-in-law had original paperbacks of all the Fleming Bond books and as soon as I could appreciate them he started letting me borrow them so I could read the series in order. This was also around the time of the release of THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, arguably Roger Moore's finest moment as 007, and I remember trekking up the street to the local theater to see it a handful of times during the summer of 1977. Couple that with ABC's frequent airings of the earlier Connery classics and I was totally hooked on Bond.

It didn't hurt that my older brothers had already been through this phase, so our garage was littered with vintage Bond board games and not one, but two of the gadget-packed attache cases that sell for hundreds of dollars on eBay. My friends and I played with them till the cases fell apart and the guns, rubber bullets, soft plastic knives, cap bombs and booby-trapped notebooks broke or were buried in my backyard. Only a couple decoders survived my childhood.

So it was sad to hear the news that legendary soundtrack composer/conductor John Barry passed away earlier this week. Though his legendary career truly runs the gamut (the man did the score for the amazing STAR CRASH for god's sake!) I think most folks will remember him as the man behind the music of Bond. And rightly so... the oft-imitated, never duplicated 007 theme has become a cinematic music icon, copied, ripped-off and parodied to the limit.

Luckily, one small piece of my Bond collection that has survived eight moves is my cache of Bond-related LPs. While I think I only own one or two original soundtracks (including the LP for the underated ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE featuring the great "All the Time in the World" written by Barry and sung by Louis Armstrong) I've never been able to pass up an album of tracks "inspired by" the soundtrack contributions of Barry and Co.

In Barry's memory, here's a sampling of tunes that will forever cement his legacy as the Man Behind the Bond Theme. (You can right-click and download any of the MP3s to your computer for listening at your leisure or click and play them now.)

Once United Artists realized they had a hit on their hands with the James Bond film franchise there was no stopping the spin-off machine. In fact, the explosion of 007 merchandise in the wake of GOLDFINGER's release is simply amazing to behold.

One of the many offshoots was the 007 album, in this case an authorized United Artists release featuring songs from the first three flicks as well as "interpretations of the Bond scene" by artists like Sir Julian, The Leasebreakers, Dick Ruedebusch and others.

This particular selection – entitled 'Golden Girl' – comes courtesy of LeRoy Holmes who left MGM for United Artists in the 1960s. He became a staple of their movie-oriented LPs and has several tracks on this slab. I'm not sure what mood LeRoy was trying to evoke here, but 'Golden Girl' is more "bawdy strip club" than "action-packed spy affair". It also flirts with the revved up music that accompanied the late-1960s 'Spider-Man' animated series that warped my fragile little mind.

United Artists must have been in a hurry to get this one out as nobody noticed the back cover blooper that suggests taking a tip from 007 and settling back with a "tasty martini, gently stirred and not shaken."

The success of GOLDFINGER inspired many other record companies to get in on the action, including RCA whose "GOLDFINGER AND OTHER MUSIC FROM JAMES BOND THRILLERS" features naturalized British subject Ray Martin and his Orchestra interpreting 007 soundtrack standards such as the super-spy's theme as well as title tunes from GOLDFINGER and FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.

The back cover of this particular classic features some fine LP copy from one Mort Goode...

James Bond is the inspired 007: Sir Hocus-Pocus; Lord Hokkum; Duke of Deviltry; a combination of the Royal Marines, the FBI, the Rangers and Houdini; a name that makes Casanova sound like a Brazilian supper club. He scales super-heights in the erasure of inhuman Bondage and sparks romantic ideas for the timid, the tiresome and others who can't even entertain an option.

Wow! Keep that in mind as you enjoy the cut 'Girl Trouble' from the magnificent FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.

Here's a couple choice cuts from the Springboard Records release: "Music from THE SPY WHO LOVED ME & Other Great JAMES BOND THRILLERS As Performed by the Film Festival Orchestra". I've had this album since I first snagged it in a grocery store back in the late-70s and it was probably the first piece in my Sounds of Bond collection, as well as the first of many Springboard records and tapes I would own (and sell or trade) over the years.

Looking at the cover now I wonder how I was expected to resist it – curvy babes, cars, helicopters, explosions and sharks! Even at 10 I knew this was super cool and that I was helpless against the power of cheesy ads.

Enjoy two tracks from this great release: the theme from ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (arguably my favorite 007 flick) and Barry's historic "James Bond Theme" from DR. NO.

The "Sleepwalk" Guitars of Dan and Dale may be – along with Chubby Checker – one of the few accurate names in the history of recorded music. Never has surf guitar inspired so many naps on my part. Check out this surf- and western-influenced take on the theme from GOLDFINGER.

I love these split LPs with seemingly-disparate movies like GOLDFINGER and ZORBA THE GREEK getting the knock-off soundtrack treatment. Another favorite in my collection features FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE coupled with Henry Mancini's iconic score for THE PINK PANTHER. It might not make sense for everybody, but Bond and the Panther were probably the first two cinematic tunes I ever identified with and that LP feels like it was made just for me.

Last but not least, the world of Bond has inspired plenty of gentle and not-so-gentle parodies over the years. Matzoh jokes and politically incorrect schtick are the trademarks of the borscht belt 007 spoof, JAMES BLONDE: THE MAN FROM TANTE. In this sequence, Blonde confronts matzoh maker and master criminal Goldflaker on the set of his latest commercial, gently tweaking both Bond and Barry's tunes along the way.

Snow Days and Filippino Stick Fights

2011-01-27T17:05:00.006-05:00

As you might have heard, the Northeast got popped with another snowstorm yesterday, though this was the first one that really affected us here in Baltimore. After dodging a bunch of Mother Nature's best shots over the last couple months we took a quick kick in the shins in the morning and then a rapid-fire series of blows to the solar plexus around evening rush hour.

So with my better half snowed in at work and not in the mood to follow something closely enough to seriously review it I shuffled through my Netflix Instant View queue until I found ARNIS: STICKS OF DEATH aka STICKS OF DEATH.

This 1984 Filippino actioner (which looks like it was made around 1975) stars Roland Dantes as a muscle-bound street hustler named Johnny who learns the ways of arnis from his wizened old grandfather after some slightly better-dressed thugs try to rub him out when he doesn't want to join forces. (Arnis is a form of self-defense employing sticks and is the Philippines' national martial art and sport.)

After the obligatory "training sequence" and a fight with some over-matched poachers (despite their use of machetes and a chainsaw!), Johnny heads home and joins the police force (?), woos a local mobster's daughter, and teams with an Italian INTERPOL agent to capture an American mobster staying at a Holiday Inn. All while training for and winning the big Arnis Invitational.

STICKS OF DEATH has the all-over-the-place plot shenanigans one comes to expect from martial-arts-inspired low-budget action but there's a schizo charm to it that makes the time pass quickly, sorta like a decent Bruceploitation flick.

But don't be misled by the poster shown above which features the tagline "The Ultimate Killing Machine". Yes, there are helicopters, an explosion, handguns and several stick fights, but I have NO IDEA who the guy featured in the center of the poster is nor do I recall Johnny doing a lot of killing. Certainly not enough to be labeled "The Ultimate Killing Machine".

As a bonus, the opening slum basketball sequence – between The Slumboys and Visitors according to the chalkboard scoring system – is up there with the "tennis" scenes from PIECES as some of the most poorly-executed, seemingly-irrelevant "sports" action in exploitation cinema.

Fun and like the trailer (below) says, you have to see it to believe it!

TIMESTALKERS (1987) on Netflix Instant View

2011-01-23T20:47:00.002-05:00

Been awhile since I've been able to post anything. Hope to have much more to report on soon.

In the meantime, check out Netflix Instant View... now airing the very fun 1987 time travel TV movie TIMESTALKERS with William Devan, Lauren Hutton and Klaus Kinski sporting a ponytail and duster.

Check out this scene. It should definitely make you want to see it. Now. And you can!

What I Dug in 2010: Tunes Edition

2011-01-05T19:00:00.001-05:00

Like movies, I used to spend a lot more time listening to new music than I do now. Nothing drove that home more than a recent weekend spent cleaning my office, where I discovered a manila folder bulging at the seams with record and CD reviews I'd written for magazines, fanzines and city weeklies during the 1990s.

Reading through those reviews also reminded me that I used to be a lot more angry and opinionated. Seriously, one review I wrote of a Dinosaur, Jr. album actually made me wince. I guess my encounter with J. Mascis at a college radio station concert was still pretty fresh in my mind.

These days I'm far more forgiving. Or am I just more open-minded? Whatever the explanation, it's working – of the plethora of new discs/downloads that I bought in 2010, there was only one release that I found myself ready to flip off as I listened to each and every one as the year wound down. (Tom Petty, I'm looking at you.)

Here's my Top 10 Favorites for 2010...

Butch Walker & The Black Widows – I Liked it Better When You Had No Heart: I've been a fan of songwriter/producer Walker since his days in Marvelous 3 and I can honestly say I've never been disappointed by something he's put out. His ability to segue between styles seems almost effortless, whether it's from album to album or even from song to song. If Sycamore Meadows was his reflective pop album and The Rise and Fall of Butch Walker and The Let's Go Out Tonite's his ode to glitter-glam you could call I Liked it Better... a journey into alt-country-garage. If there is such a thing. Clever, catchy and a gut-wrenching tear-jerker when it needs to be, this was definitely my fave disc of the year.

DEVO – Something for Everybody: I was pleasantly surprised by more than a few old favorites who released albums in 2010 (see Honorable Mentions below) but none matched this overdue blast from the past by The Spud Boys. Best of all, my daughter knows lead singer Mark Mothersbaugh as the guy who draws pictures on Yo Gabba Gabba so I can get away with slipping the spastic, stuttering "Fresh" or sing-songy "Please Baby Please" into our lunchtime mix without her batting an eye. Only one tune ("No Place Like Home") feels like a misfire and that's not bad for a band whose last great album (1982's Oh, No! It's Devo) came out when I was still in high school.

Apples in Stereo – Travellers in Space & Time: I have to hand it to my buddy David Zuzelo, fellow HorrorDad, comic writer, trash cinema scribe and pulled pork afficionado. He turned me on to Apples in Stereo a few years ago (much to my surprise) and I dug them so much I ended up getting this album the day it came out. A near-flawless blend of 70s electro-rock, infectious disco beats and power pop hooks, Travellers is what I'd imagine happening if Todd Rundgren had fronted ELO. If this doesn't make you want to get up and dance, well, I don't think I wanna know you.

Weezer – Hurley: I don't think I've actually listened to an entire Weezer album since their debut hit the streets and my favorite song ("No One Else") was the only one not released as a single. Or so it seemed. Since then they've become huge stars, sold billions of albums and toured worldwide to adoring fans. In other words, they probably don't need my support. But something made me grab Hurley, which sounds at times like a loosely compiled B-sides and outtakes disc thanks to a live cover of Coldplay's "Viva La Vida" and "All My Friends Are Insects" which they performed on Yo Gabba Gabba. But if songs like the soaring "Memories" and the delightfully poppy "Smart Girls" are "moronic" "novelty pop" (respectively, as described in a Pop Matters review), maybe I haven't changed that much. After all, my two favorite songs as a kid were "The Purple People Eater Meets the Witch Doctor" and "Snoopy vs. The Red Baron".

Maids of Honor – Self-Titled: I have to admit that I grudgingly enjoy Facebook. Though I don't understand the need to share some of the views and info that get posted there (or on other social media hubs), I dig the ability to stay in touch with friends and family and re-connect with old pals, especially long "lost" friends from the daze of the original print edition of ER. Who knew that I'd end up contacting one former trash zine trading partner for advice on how to pickle cucumbers or that Crimson Celluloid editor David Nolte would tip me to one of my favorite albums of the year while I was watching – you guessed it – Yo Gabba Gabba with my daughter? I barely know anything about Maids other than the fact that the drummer is a former Survivor contestant and that they remind me of the snarky rock that was regularly cranked out by bands like The Meices and Best Kissers in the World.

Rob Zombie – Hellbilly Deluxe 2: Just in case the strippers of the world were running out of good tunes to shed their panties to, Rob Zombie took a break from angering horror film fans to deliver this volume. It's a frequently uneven collection and admittedly I skip about a third of the tracks, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that "What?" features my favorite riff of 2010 while tunes like "Sick Bubblegum" and "Werewolf Women of the SS" make up for whatever else is hiding amongst the B-movie sound bites and White Zombie cast-offs.

Gaslight Anthem – American Slang: Not quite as good as The '59 Sound but I love this NJ band's blend of latter day Social Distortion and vintage Springsteen. I'm not sure if this approach is all they have in them or if future releases will stylistically push the envelope a bit, but there's way more hits than misses here unlike, say, Heaven is Whenever from the more critically-beloved The Hold Steady.

Danzig – Deth Red Sabaoth: A triumphant return from the tiny little teapot of muscle-bound metal seemed as likely as a killer disc from DEVO. Go figure! I love the first three Danzig discs and have been known to belt out "MOTHER!" on more than one occasion, but the former Misfit lost me around the time his discs lost their pounding Sabbath Meets Jim Morrison swagger and took on too much post-industrial-electronic-dirge. Fortunately, the new disc has everything I loved about early Danzig – ridiculous spelling, hooks that could crush a walnut, and silly metal lyrics that I like to sing when nobody is around (see "Ju Ju Bone"). Though some of the songs sound like Glenn was trapped in a closet during their recording, Deth Red Sabaoth has me ready to dive in and re-evaluate efforts like I Luciferi and Cradle of Snakes.

Bruce Springsteen – The Promise: There are two box sets that I've spent the last few years anxiously longing for: the long-rumored Replacements box set (which I'm assuming is never, ever coming out) and the just-released Darkness on the Edge of Town box from Bruce Springsteen. Darkness and The River have always been my two favorite Springsteen albums and I've never been able to figure out just how he made the leap from the gritty street rumble of tracks like "Adam Raised a Cain" and "Something in the Night" to rip-snorting raves like "Two Hearts" and "Ramrod". This two-disc outtakes collection connects the dots between those two very different releases with Springsteen getting down and dirty one minute, playful and raucous the next. With Born to Run and Darkness getting the grand treatment can a box set of The River be far behind? (Also available in a deluxe box set edition that includes Darkness on the Edge of Town plus a documentary and live CD/DVD material.)

Andrew WK – Close Calls with Brick Walls/Mother of Mankind: I've never been able to decide if I Get Wet – Andrew WK's magnificent full-length debut – is the greatest rock album of all-time or the greatest comedy album of all-time. No record has ever made me want to pump my fist in the air while grinning from ear to ear as much, yet I've never even listened to his follow-up (The Wolf) for fear that it couldn't possibly hold a candle to that debut. Mired in legal issues (I believe), Close Calls... only saw limited release around 2006 but was finally unleashed in 2010 along with the outtakes and rarities disc Mother of Mankind. It's all over the place, wildly uneven and – and its best – sounds a lot like Wet outtakes, but I simply can't help but love a disc that made me write the note "Meatloaf and Handsome Dick Manitoba write an off-off-Broadway rock opera".

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Paul Collins – King of Power Pop; Hoodoo Gurus – Purity of Essence; My Chemical Romance – Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys; Of Montreal – False Priest; Sleigh Bells – Treats; Southside Johnny & The Asbury Jukes – Pills & Ammo; Master Plan – Maximum Respect; Locksley – Be in Love; Timmy Sean – Songs From & Inspired By Noisewater.

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What I Dug in 2010: Movie Edition

2010-12-31T09:26:00.000-05:00

If you're looking for a "best" films list or even a list of flicks that came out in 2010 you may want to move along. It'd probably be tough to argue that anything I really enjoyed would make anybody's "best" list and other than THE SOCIAL NETWORK and PREDATORS, the only new theatrical releases I saw this year were all kid-oriented... ALVIN & THE CHIPMUNKS 2: The Squekuel, SHREK EVER AFTER and TOY STORY 3.

So what you have below is my list of the flicks I enjoyed watching the most in 2010. Doesn't matter when they came out, doesn't matter how I saw them... but first, a little accounting. Unless I watch 20 flicks to ring out 2010 my numbers are definitely down from 2009.

2009
------
75 New + 30 Rewatches = 105 Total

2010
------
67 New + 18 Rewatches = 85 Total

I did watch a higher percentage of films for the first time (79% this year to 71% last year) but the overall list is disappointingly light on Kinski flicks (only three for the year!) and my Eurotrash excursions took a surprising drop-off about midway through the year, never to recover. If I'm going to make any kind of cinematic resolutions for 2011, correcting those glaring errors will be at the top of the list.

Without further ado here's DT's 2010 Favorite Watches (in no particular order, only new watches eligible):

DANCE OF THE DEAD (2008): A late entry on the list thanks to a recommendation from good pal Bruce Holecheck of Cinema Arcana. Imagine a high school zombie comedy that's a little bit DAZED AND CONFUSED and a little bit NIGHT OF THE CREEPS with geeks, freaks, dweebs, cheerleaders, rockers and rednecks teaming up to battle an army of toxic zombies on prom night. Genuinely funny and packed with plenty of splatter.

TRIANGLE (2009): People seem to love or hate this Twilight Zone-esque tale of castaways who find themselves reliving the events on a seemingly-abandoned cruise ship after their boat capsizes. The ads featuring a weapon-wielding killer wearing a bag over their head might have led folks to believe this was more of a slasher than a head-scratcher but I loved every twist and turn.

KISS KISS BANG BANG (2005): It only took me five years to catch up with what may be my favorite flick of the last decade. A smashing love letter to the Gold Medal and pulp paperbacks I was obsessed with back in the 90s, Shane Black's triumphant return features Robert Downey, Jr. and Val Kilmer (aka The American Klaus Kinski) as a pair of mis-matched detectives in this somewhat screwball actioner. Downey, Kilmer and Co. need to re-team for another adventure from these characters... and soon!

DELIRIUM (1987): Oh DELIRIUM – and Serena Grandi – how did you escape my gaze for so long? Pretty sure this late 80s giallo from Baby Bava ended up in my Netflix queue at the urging of fellow HorrorDad(tm) and Tomb It May Concern scribe David Zuzelo – who apparently knows me very, very, very well. Grandi stars as Gloria, a former model who runs an adult mag called Pussycat. A deranged killer/stalker/fan is murdering models, posing them for the camera and then sending the pix back to her, boosting circulation but also making poor, busty Gloria wonder if the killer is one of her inner circle. Well, duh! An off-the-wall slice of 80s Eurotrash complete with familiar faces from Bava's DEMONS, sexy gals in various states of undress and a very oddball vibe that sets it apart from the norm.

GONE WITH THE POPE (2010): Duke Mitchell's "lost" 70s low-budget gangster epic finally saw its long overdue release thanks to the tireless efforts of Oscar winner Bob Murawski who shaped this bizzaro tale of mobsters (led by Duke Mitchell, the low-rent Dean Martin) who decide to kidnap the Pope. Certainly one of the most perplexing cinematic experiences I've ever had, with what seems like two shorter flicks jammed together to make one jaw-dropping, existential masterpiece. Along with BOARDING HOUSE (see below) this was the theatrical highlight of the year for me.

SLAUGHTER NIGHT (2006): Forget the slasher-esque title and headache-inducing aka of SL8N8. SLAUGHTER NIGHT is an entertaining dose of Euro-horror that dispenses with the recent penchant for torture-gore (FRONTIERS, etc.) and gets back to the stuffs I love... possessed beasties ripping out throats and wielding weapons! Though the set-up is pure horror trope and some of the stylistic flourishes gave me a slight headache, I enthusiastically recommend this Euro-mix of THE DESCENT, DEMONS and MY BLOODY VALENTINE.

ASSAULT OF THE SASQUATCH (2009): When this disc arrived in my PO Box I thought, "hmph, it looks like ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 with Bigfoot". And after watching this very fun, low-budget I can confirm that that's exactly what it is! More entertaining than it has any right to be, ASSAULT (like THEY BITE and MANSQUITO) finds just the right balance of no-budget exploitation inventiveness, gory effects and crazy humor. Don't be fooled by the no-name cast and improbably high-concept, um, concept. ASSAULT OF THE SASQUATCH delivers more than it promises.

DON'T WAKE THE DEAD (2008): I'd been anxiously awaiting this flick since seeing a trailer for it on YouTube a couple years ago – so when the aforementioned Mr. Zuzelo popped a copy into my hands this summer I had to temper my enthusiasm in order to fairly assess the flick. Ah, screw that, I couldn't wait to watch this nutzoid blend of undead Knights Templar, bimbo rock fans, Nazi zombies and pistol-packing monks who just happen to carry kung-fu weaponry with them. The first 30 minutes is so relentlessly paced and insane that it's hard to expect director Andreas Schnaas to keep it going... and he can't. But I give the pic a free pass and endorsement thanks to that first half-hour and one of the most gut-bustingly entertaining moments in whacked out horror history. Deserves to be seen with a crowd (ala THEY BITE, PIECES, RAW FORCE) for maximum enjoyment.

BOARDING HOUSE (1982): Speaking of RAW FORCE, that flick was the highlight of the 2009 Exhumed Marathon... an insanely great piece of largely-undiscovered trash cinema that literally rocked the house. For me, the highlight of 2010's marathon was easily BOARDING HOUSE (aka HOUSEGEIST), a shot-on-video-then-transferred-to-film masterpiece that will either make you fall in love with its amateurish brilliance or kick your TV in to make it stop for the love of God! There is no middle ground with this lovably inept blend of babes, telekinesis, monsters and mayhem.

FROZEN (2010): It's unfortunate that AMC's hasty pulling of Adam Green's HATCHET II got more ink than his blink-and-you-missed-its-theatricla-release thriller FROZEN, a flick that is rightly getting its due on more than one year end wrap-up. A 180-degree turn from the excellent HATCHET (I have yet to see the sequel), FROZEN tells the tale of two pals and one girlfriend stuck on a ski lift due to a mix of incompetence, indifference and that glazed-over minimum wage look. In other words, forget zombies, demons, devils, vampires, werewolves and whatever other supernatural beasties you're afraid of. It's the doped up dudes who run the ski lifts and carnival rides we probably have to fear the most! Itchy-skitchy and genuinely tense, Green's FROZEN simply confirmed my love of warmer climates and sandy beaches.

So there you have it. My "Favorite Watches for 2010" barring any last-minute contenders I might see tonight. Though there were a handful of completely worthless duds that I suffered through (DRAG ME TO HELL, MIRRORS [US], TERMINATOR: SALVATION, THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW [original], NECROSIS, CRUCIBLE OF TERROR, ANGELS & DEMONS, X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE, METAMORPHOSIS, BUG) I felt like this was a pretty solid viewing year.

In fact, you could do worse than check out any of these honorably mentioned slices of sinema that almost made my Top 10: REDNECK, BIG BAD WOLF, BLOOD GAMES, PLANET HULK, PSYCHOMANIA, BATMAN: UNDER THE RED HOOD, BONE SICKNESS, LOVE & MONEY, THANKSKILLING and WILD BEASTS.

New Watches (67)
-------------------------
12 Rounds
The Alcove
American Drive-In
Angels & Demons
Assassination Bureau
Assault of the Sasquatch
Batman: Under the Red Hood
The Beast Must Die
Behind the Planet of The Apes
Big Bad Wolf
Blades
Blood Games
Boarding House
Bone Sickness
Bottle Shock
Bug
Cold Storage
Crucible of Terror
Dawn of the Dead (Extended Cut)
Dead Eyes Open
The Deadly Spawn
Delirium
Don't Wake the Dead
Drag Me to Hell
Driven to Kill
Five Elements Ninjas
Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks
Frozen
Going to Pieces: Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film
Gone with the Pope
Grand Prix
Green Lantern: First Flight
The Green Monster
His Name Was Jason
The House on Sorority Row
JCVD
Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths
Justice League: The New Frontier
Kidnapping of the President
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Lights, Camera, Dead
Lisa & The Devil
Loose Screws: Screwballs 2
Love & Money
Metamorphosis
Mighty Peking Man
Mirrors
Muckman
Necrosis
Night of the Demon
Planet Hulk
Predators
Psychomania
Psychopath
Redneck
Slaughter Night
The Social Network
State of Play
Survival of the Dead
Tales from the Crypt II
Terminator: Salvation
Thankskilling
Triangle
Wild Beasts
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Zombieland

Rewatches (18)
-------------------
Batman vs Dracula
Better Off Dead
Beyond the Darkness
Curse of Frankenstein
Demons
Elm Street 3
Forbidden World aka Mutant
Friday the 13th Part 2
The Funhouse
Galaxy of Terror
Grand Slam
House by the Cemetery
The Howling
It Lives Again!
Jason Goes to Hell
The Last Match
Masters of Horror: The Black Cat
Phantom of the Paradise

An ER Holiday Classick: BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)

2010-12-28T09:41:00.002-05:00

Here's a review of a holiday horror fave from the ERchives...

It's a bit of a bummer to be writing this review after the tragic and untimely death of director Bob Clark, who died with his son Ariel on April 4, 2007 at the hands of a drunk driver. Best known for such disparate flicks as the original PORKY'S and the holiday favorite A CHRISTMAS STORY, Clark is equally beloved by fright fans for his trio of early, groundbreaking works: the hippie/zombie hybrid CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS; the politically charged DEATHDREAM (featuring a zombified Vietnam vet in the days when the conflict was a daily presence on the evening news); and, BLACK CHRISTMAS, which established the often-cribbed blueprint of a mysterious killer hacking his way through a shopping list of co-ed cuties, frequently around a holiday. In fact, the blueprint has become such a shopworn genre cliche that CABIN FEVER and HOSTEL director Eli Roth spoofed it with THANKSGIVING, his contribution to 2007's double feature concept flick GRINDHOUSE.

For some unknown reason I've always had a mental block about renting BLACK CHRISTMAS. I love Clark's work – especially his other aforementioned horror films – but I can't count how many times I knowingly passed on this classic. I really wish I knew why but I don't. Luckily, because of the 2006 remake (to be reviewed at a later date), renewed interest in the original resulted in this special edition...

Read the complete review at Exploitation Retrospect: The Journal of Junk Culture and Fringe Media.